Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I Have a Bad, Bad Feeling . . .

. . . that some idiot is going to shoot Barack Obama.

Every time someone with any kind of potential to be moving, exciting, or revolutionary comes along, some asshole, in turn, comes along and shoots him. That's why we haven't seen someone like him in so long; after Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John and Robert Kennedy, and even the Pope, for Christ's sake, got shot, nobody wants to make an impact, lest they get lit up by some hate monger with a rifle, a scope, and a bolt loose.

On election night, Barack plans to celebrate here in Chicago. When I heard that, I immediately thought that he would get shot that night. I didn't just think it, like, would if. I thought, "Oh no! Someone will shoot him," like it was clear to me that it is going down.

If he does get shot, I'm leaving the country. I'll let you guys decide if it's going to be Mexico or Canada because I can't go any farther on my budget. I'm just packing everything I own into my car and driving north or south. Which will it be, seven readers?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Friday night I decided to stay in and work on the play (The Loitering Hole). I'd just like to say that it's the second consecutive Friday doing this, and all the bars in Chicago have been contacting me wondering if I'm all right. This really shows my dedication, I think.

Anyway, one of my roommates comes home and is all excited about his new iphone. He shows me a couple features, a moustache maker, a harmonica, etc., and sits down in a chair two feet past the door. I went back to writing for two hours and came back into the kitchen to find him in that very chair still playing with it. This time he showed me a map feature that can zoom in with the satellites to find exactly where you are. It really says something about me that the first thing out of my mouth was, "Oh, that's great because if you have a blacked out drunk, road show, one-night-stand you could find out exactly where you are the next day.

Technology is an amazing thing.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Happy Ending for the Ladies?

Gancer Girlfriend got a text from a coworker last night that read, "Girl, I just went for a massage, and the guy used a vibrator on me. I came 5 times."


This conversation then went down:

Gancer: Wow. I didn't know they did that.

Gancer Girlfriend: I don't think they really used it on her vagina. I don't think they do that.

Gancer: Well, I would assume that is what she meant.

Gancer Girlfriend: No. She's not the type of woman to get that kind of service.

Gancer: Well, she's kind of that type of gal. Doesn't she have a stud stable of boyfriends, one of which she gave a time frame of when he could come by and break her off, another she told didn't f' well or go down on her well. Her notion was that most men do one or the other well, and . . .

Gancer Girlfriend: Okay, okay. How do you remember all of that?

Gancer: You know me. I remember all things like that.

Gancer Girlfriend: Okay, I need to call her real quick and get to the bottom of this.

So, she calls her up, and sure as shit, the masseuse, without asking if it was all right or not, took out a vibrating device and hummed away at her naughty bits long enough for her to cum five times and juice all over herself like she peed herself. One other yucky detail: As he was doing this, his less-than-impressive penis was brushed up against her hand.

Has anyone heard of this sort of service?

Shouldn't he have asked first?

Do you think that service was on the list of services on the package, so to speak, she had agreed to, and she just didn't notice it?

This whole thing came as a shocker to me, and I just want to get my readers' input on the matter . . .

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Trish the Crack Whore

You're hearing everywhere of the importance of blogging in the political arena, but all I ever talk about are farts and stuff. So, coming up on my 200th post, I figure I'd better make The Gancer just as relevant as the other boring blogs you're not reading by saying something about the man everyone is talking about, Joe the Plumber.

I tuned in late to the debate tonight so I don't really know what he's all about, but he sounds real fun, like a professional wrestler. My guess is that he represents the common man, or the middle class, but when will the low class be talked about more? When will the debates discuss Trish the Crack Whore? Stan the Bookie? Eli the Underground Abortionist? Sharon the Borough of Queens Cockfighting Ring Card Girl? Sheila the Gal Taking a Crap on the Train*?

Surely all of these folks have problems and day-to-day lives far worse than Joe, and you just know their stories are more interesting.

Maybe it's best that I stick to farts.

*At first I called this person Bill, but then it dawned on me that I had pigeonholed women to roles of crack whores and ring card girls. Hey, a woman can take a crap on a train as well as any guy. I'm such a feminist, man!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Doing Stuff

1. I wrote a piece about the most notable guest appearances in Friday the 13th films over at Starpulse.

2. At The Liar's Club, I posted something about those court ordered breathalizer things that people have to use to start their cars.

3. Any minute now, I hope, my review of Mercury Rev's new record should go live over at

4. Yesterday my partner and I booked our play and will perform it at The Gorilla Tango Theater here in Chicago on January 9th and 10th.

5. Last night I brought the house down with a killer karaoke version of Cold as Ice* by Foreigner.

6. I've been a busy boy, for sure, but I'm most proud of point number 5.


*The play we are writing has a karaoke theme, so we were intent on singing a song to celebrate booking the theater today. It wasn't looking good as the closing hour was approaching. Then, I got bumped up the list for picking up and gathering up the contents of the MC's tip jar, which she didn't know fell and contained numerous twenties. We nailed that song. The best part was when a buddy of mine was rocking the guitar solo and I was doing the break down with my back against his. That's an oldy but a goody rock maneuver if I ever saw one.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

I'm Writing a Play . . .

. . . And I want all my blog buddies to attend.

It's going to be a one act, forty minute or so performance with only four principal characters. We're booking the theater this Saturday for two shows in January. I'm co-writing it, and I may have a real small part in it. Hopefully I'll just be co-writing because if I have to act in front of people I'll probably get the nervous shits.

If you've been reading for a while, you can probably guess that this thing is going to be a combination of funny, gross, and heart warming.

I'd seriously love it if my first meeting with one of my long-time blog buddies was shaking his/her hand and having a drink with him/her after a performance.

More details to come.

In the mean time, here are a couple quick updates.

1. I'm going to see The Godfather on the big screen with my lady this Friday night.

2. The Cubs broke my heart. In my Michael Corleone voice: "I know it was you, you God awful Cubbies. You broke my heart"

3. I have tickets to see Louie C.K. this month and Mercury Rev in December.

4. What should I do for my upcoming 200th post?