Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Chevy's Kingdom of Heaven

Gancey Girlfriend had a very vivid dream about being in heaven, one of those dreams that seemed to last for hours, and she said that it was one of the most amazing, fun dreams she's ever had. In heaven, she was asking all kinds of questions, curious about things such as how people could fly - she would learn in due time, she was told. It didn't look like all cloudy like you see on television but more like a beautiful, clean, romantic city with all kinds of shops. At one point, thousands of people gathered around an enormous pulpit to listen to God speak. I immediately asked if God looked like the whiteboy Jesus from the paintings or the big guy with the long white beard. Nope, neither.

She said, "You know that guy from the National Lampoons movies? I said, "You mean Chevy Chase?" She said, "Yeah! Only he had white hair." I asked if he was funny, and I guess he was more moving and inspiring than funny.

I told her that as a kid I had numerous dreams about going to hell and the devil, to which she said, "Hmmmmmmmm."

Wouldn't that be weird if I said the devil looked like Bill Murray or Dan Aykroyd?

Monday, June 28, 2010

I couldn't think of anything to post, so here's that Black reporter switching instantaneously from cheesy reporter voice to straight ghetto voice when a fly flies into his mouth. Amazing.

Also . . .

Get a load of this dork asking the first incarnation of Pink Floyd why their music has to be so loud. This is a rare interview with Syd Barrett where he makes perfect sense all through out. He seems a little unsure of himself, but he's totally with it on this day. Poor Syd took too much acid and went nuts . . .

Friday, June 25, 2010

It's time, once again . . .

. . . for another song analysis, this time to the tune of "Mannish Boy" by Muddy Waters (1955):

Ooooooh, yeah, ooh, yeah

Everythin', everythin', everythin's gonna be alright this mornin'
Ooh yeah, whoaw
Now when I was a young boy, at the age of five
My mother said I was, gonna be the greatest man alive

Now, that's really high hopes for a mother, right? What had he done at age five that was so great? I feel that's setting a kid up with some pretty big expectations, but Muddy did pretty much bring electric guitar to the masses, so . . .

But now I'm a man, way past 21
Want you to believe me baby,
I had lot's of fun
I'm a man
I spell mmm, aaa child, nnn
That represents man
No B, O child, Y
That mean mannish boy
I'm a man
I'm a full grown man
I'm a man
I'm a natural born lovers man
I'm a man
I'm a rollin' stone
I'm a man
I'm a hoochie coochie man

He really was the Hoochie Coochie man. It's a wonder Muddy and Charo never hooked up.

Sittin' on the outside, just me and my mate
You know I'm made to move you honey,
come up two hours late
Wasn't that a man
I spell mmm, aaa child, nnn
That represents man
No B, O child, Y
That mean mannish boy
I'm a man
I'm a full grown man
I'm a natural born lovers man
I'm a rollin' stone
I'm a hoochie coochie man
The line I shoot will never miss
When I make love to a woman,
she can't resist
I think I go down,
to old Kansas Stew

I looked up Kansas Stew, and I have no idea what in the hell it means. Little help?

I'm gonna bring back my second cousin,
that little Johnny Concheroo

This is the lyric that got me wanting to do another analysis. It turns out Johnny Concheroo is a slang term for the root of a plant that is used in voodoo, enhancing sexual prowess, and as a laxative. Based on the contextual clues, I think old Muddy is using it to get some led in his pencil.

All you little girls,
sittin'out at that line
I can make love to you woman,
in five minutes time
Ain't that a man

Well, some would say that five minutes isn't too good. Sting is supposed to be able to go for hours, tantra-style, but maybe Muddy means that he's slayin' 'um one after the other as they're waiting in line ("sittin' out at that line"). In that case, five minutes at a crack is totally understandable.

I spell mmm, aaa child, nnn
That represents man
No B, O child, Y
That mean mannish boy
I'm a full grown man
I'm a natural born lovers man
I'm a rollin' stone
I'm a man-child
I'm a hoochie coochie man
well, well, well, well
hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry
Don't hurt me, don't hurt me child
don't hurt me, don't hurt, don't hurt me child
well, well, well, well


You get the idea. Hey, remember this song in Risky Business when a young Tom Cruise is walking the streets gathering up Johns to come to his parents' house where he was runnin' ho's out of there while his folks were out of town? Classic shit right there. Muddy would have been proud to have been associated with that scene. I think . . .

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Which of these movies will kick more ass, and which original film did you enjoy more?

1. Tron Legacy

2. Predators

Factors to consider about Tron:

1. Tron is a Disney movie, so there probably isn't as much violence as there should be.

2. However, it does have Jeff Bridges (The Dude) from the original, and I can't see him doing a completely shit movie.

3. It retains all the cool disc throwing, glowing car driving, and tanks from the original.

Things to remember about Predators:

1. The preview says it's a Robert Rodriguez (Sin City, Desperado) film, but he doesn't direct it - some guy named Nimrod does. That's really his first name.

2. With Lawrence Fishburne, Topher Grace, and Adrien Brody, that's a strong cast.

3. It looks as if there is a great deal of ass kicking, but no known Arnold cameo.

So, again, Seven Readers, which movie do you think will be better, and which original movie did you like better?

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Today at Trivia at the bar, we got our asses kicked. The host has still not had a music round, and every time he does a music question, I kill it. However, we did win the shot round, which got us a round of Jaeger Bombs, which is making my heart beat a little faster than I'd like at bed time. One question that was critical in our winning the round was:

What actors played the lead roles in the 1980's buddy cop film, Running Scared?

Our team was the only one to get it right, and I can't claim smartness here, only oldness.

Who knows it?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

American Gigilo VS American Schmo

I was watching American Gigilo (1980) today, and it was evident to me that Richard Gere's character in the film, high class male prostitute, Julian Kaye, is far, far cooler than Dr. Ken.

Consider this . . .

Julian works out by hanging upside down, shirtless in his posh L.A. apartment using hand weights while listening to tapes to learn other languages (he speaks five).

Kenneth worked out today while watching American Gigilo.

Julian has a closet filled with expensive suits, ties, and shirts made by all the top designers.

Kenneth sometimes uses gym shorts when he runs out of boxers, and many of his t-shirts were free for playing on sports teams in recreational men's leagues.

Julian is framed for a murder he didn't commit.

Kenneth was framed for taking a bite out a piece of chicken and putting it back in the fridge (a crime he didn't commit).

How about you, Seven Readers? Have you ever tried to live up to a fictional character's reputation?

Monday, June 21, 2010

Another Caption Contest

Okay, let's see what you got, Seven Readers!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Quote of the Weekend

Chris: Look at your mustache, bro? That shit's terrible.

Santos: Man, my mustache is murderous.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Your Category

I played trivia at a bar the other night, and third place prize was the honor of selecting your own category for the following. The one I would have picked (had we not finished fourth due to only having one person playing for the first round and then getting 2 out of 10 in the B.S. name the professional football's college team's category).

This got me thinking: What would be your category, oh seven readers?

Mine would be Pink Floyd. I'd be amazed if a table of drunks knew more than me about The Pink Floyd Sound, but who knows. What's your category, muthafuckas?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I'm sorry I've been out so long. My goal was to post every day, then I was happy with every other day, and pretty soon I let most of June go by without publishing a damn thing on here. It's a little bit of being too busy, but it's a lot of just having nothing to say. I usually have a topic or two saved into the notes on my phone, and here's the only one I have jotted down in the last few weeks:

"Topanga's right arm is too big."

The meaning of this random-ass note is that while watching some show where the gal who played Topanga on Boy Meets World now hosts a Talk Soup type of show where she stands by a monitor making fun of things that happened on TV, Gancey Girlfriend said, "remember last time we flipped by this show, and you said her right arm is bigger than her left? Well, it's true."

I had no recollection at first that I noticed that, but I was right as rain! Something is f'd up about that hammy right arm of hers! I actually tried to post this a while ago, but I couldn't find any hard evidence to attach to this post, so I just said screw it. Well, now I got nothin' else, so this is what you get.

If anyone can track down a good picture or video to back up this assertion, I'd greatly appreciate it. What a lame post, but at least the new layout of the blog is cool, right?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I published an article on Starpulse about The Bachelorette on ABC, and I think all seven of my beloved Seven Readers should check it out.

Click here for a way too in depth analysis of a stupid, stupid show.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Cup Chaser

My beloved Chicago Blackhawks are playing for a Stanley Cup tonight, and we're headed over to one of our old watering holes where we used to watch Chicago Bears games back when we still could get away with drinking heavily on Sunday nights.

The thing is, this city has really gotten behind their Hawks, which you would think would be surprising, since hockey isn't as popular as some other sports. But this has more to do with a city that needs a winner. Let's look at the facts:

Chicago Blackhawks: Last Stanley Cup: 1961. They made it to the cup in 1992, and then they traded away the three or four best players, guys who are some of the all time greats, and they've sucked ever since.

Chicago Bears: Last Super Bowl: 1986. Yes, Dr. Ken was in the 3rd grade. We played in one a few years ago, but Indianapolis beat the crap out of us.

Chicago Bulls: Last NBA Title: 1998. Number of NBA titles during Jordans periods of retirement: That's a big zero. He won three, sat out for two to let the Rockets win 2, came back to win three more, and then retired again. He came back for the Wizards to play for a stint, but let's just not get into that.

Chicago Whitesox: Last World Series: 2005. Yes, that's only a few years ago, but nobody cares because they are evil.

Chicago Cubs: Last World Series: 1908. Yes, that's over 100 years ago. One hundred. Civil War veterans could very well have been at that game. The last time they even played in a World Series was 1945, the same year that WW2 ended and Dr. Ken's father was born.

Chicago Governors: We sent around 4 out of last 5 to jail.

Chicago Olympics: Our mayor pumped in a ton of money to try to get the 2016 Summer Olympics here, and we lost out to Rio. Some say that it's because of all of our murders, but it turns out they have a bunch of those too. If they wanted the place with the most murders, they might as well have the thing in Detroit.

Chicago Parking Ticket Amount Paid By Dr. Ken: $3,048. This is a rough estimate. I know it's not good. They make signs in this city that are intentionally B.S., and even these pictures that you get in the mail of the automated things from the stop lights are crappola because you'll get one showing you doing a right turn on a red, which is okay on that intersection.

Now I'm just bitching, but my point is that we are sick of losing, and we're sick of bullshit. It's time to win tonight. It's time to "commit to the Indian." It's time to get my ass to the bar and reserve a table before all the other Chicagoans tired of losing get in there and drink all the beer.

Monday, June 07, 2010

You Must Not Know 'Bout Ken

I heard "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce' on the radio today, and I heard a lyric that I feel demanded a blog post. You're probably thinking either that this post is about a year too late or this guy has enough posts about song lyrics; both true statements, but it's all I got today.

Here is the refrain of the song:

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute,
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute, baby
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
Your irreplaceable

Now, the message of the song is clear: "I'm hot, I'm the shit, and I'm in demand. You, you're not all that great, and I could have another one of you by 9AM tomorrow morning." It makes perfect sense, and it's the basis of a really good pop song, but here's the part I don't like: "Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute . . ." To that, wouldn't just about any guy say:

"Are you shitting me? The guy that's been stickin' you is on his way over? Good. I can't wait to meet him. I ain't goin' nowhere! Matter fact, I'm-a fuck him up!"

Beyonce' could have just dumped him and politely asked the guy to pack his shit and get out, but she didn't do that. What she did is announce that the new man was on his way over to do her, something that she knew would infuriate the guy she's dumping - basically she is knowingly creating an environment for an unavoidable fight. She has set the stage for an act of violence between her past and current love interest for her own amusement, and to that I say, "I guess I didn't know 'bout you, Beyonce. I thought you were just a nice, foxy, leggy Black diva, but you're nothing but a sadist."

On another note, for a woman who is clearly one of the hottest women on the planet, when she dances, I'm completely turned off. She's one of those chicks who is sexy only when she doesn't try, and when she tries, it's a little embarrassing. Anyone with me on that or the sadist thing, or am I just a village idiot?

*Update: I just noticed that at 12 seconds of the Pink Floyd hand-farting clip in the last post, I think the guy accidently cuts loose with an actual fart.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

We All Have Our Talents . . .

And this guy's is sitting on his couch in front of a camera making hand fart sounds perfectly to rock songs. Here he is doing Bohemian Rhapsody (as always, turn off my music player on the left panel before hitting play on the vids):

Maybe you want a song to pump you up? Check him out hand-farting along to "The Final Countdown" by Europe; even he gets a little pumped up, but he doesn't get out of his seat or anything crazy:

Perhaps you're more into modern pop songs? Get a load of him doing an awful karaoke music version of "Hit Me Baby One More Time" by Brittney Spears.

I guess the nicer name for a hand-farter is a manualist. Hmmmm. Well, okay then. Here's a manualist version of perhaps the best rock song of all time, Stairway To Heaven:

Some of you may know that I'm probably the biggest Pink Floyd fan in the world, and you'd think I'd be offended by him trying his "hand" at some Floyd. On the contrary, I'm blown away. Blown like a fart:

How about you, Seven Readers? Got any kind of disgusting party tricks/Stupid Human Tricks?

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Young Girl

A good friend of mine you may know as the occaisional commenter T-Nobes recently made me a mix tape of mostly indie rock songs, but then "Young Girl" by Gary Pucket and The Union Gap came out of nowhere. The thing is, that song, while it kicks ass in its own way, is really kind of disturbing, in that it's about shagging a young girl. How young is the one in this song, you may ask? 14, evidently.

T-Nobes and I got in a conversation about this over email, and he found this bit of information about the song from the guy who wrote the song:

"As far as what inspired "Young Girl", that's another story" says Jerry."I was on the road a lot as an artist, fronting various groups for many years. I guess every entertainer goes through a time when fourteen-year-olds look like twenty-year-olds. That's somewhat of an inspiration...not from my own experience, but just knowing that it happens".

I just don't buy that part where he says "not from my experience." Yeah, right! Why would he take the time to write a song about someone tortured about the decision of whether or not to pork a young girl if he didn't go through it himself. I'm just not buying it. If you look at the lyrics of Jailbait by Motorhead (get a look here), Lemmy writes the song from the perspective of a guy who doesn't give a damn how young she is. I guess when you look like Lemmy, you just take anything that comes your way. "Young Girl" is all about a guy who is laboring over whether or not to bang a 14-year-old, and I'd like to, if I may, break this song down line-by-line like only Dr. Ken can to figure out once and for all if Gary Pucket stuck it.

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl,
You're much too young, girl

The fact that he cautions her by saying, "better run, girl" says to me that this guy is likening himself to a Statutory Rape Wolf Man who will reach a point where he won't be able to stop himself. Scary shit right there.
With all the charms of a woman
You've kept the secret of your youth
You led me to believe
You're old enough
To give me Love

I suppose what he means by this is old enough to lay, but you couldn't say that back when this song came out. I really don't think he means old enough to give love, because someone can give love at any age, right? You love people when you're four-years-old, right?

And now it hurts to know the truth, Oh,
Beneath your perfume and make-up
You're just a baby in disguise
And though you know
That it is wrong to be
Alone with me

Again, this is the Pervert Werewolf persona where he's saying that it's highly dangerous that she be alone with a man with so many deep, deep pervert urges.
That come on look is in your eyes, Oh,
So hurry home to your mama
I'm sure she wonders where you are
Get out of here
Before I have the time
To change my mind
'Cause I'm afraid we'll go too far, Oh,
Young girl

I like that line right there. It might be my favorite. He decides in the end to tell her to leave because he is still not entirely sure about turning this one down. What's sad is, the next time the band is in her town, you just know he's going through this whole thing again . . .

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

You Gotta Wash Your Ass

In 1976, a year before Dr. Ken was born, the late Red Foxx released a comedy album he said was about love, and caring, and being together." This record's title? You Got To Wash Your Ass.

Give a look at this video, and as always, turn off the wonderful music player on the left panel if you choose to play it.

I like where he says how it's amazing how something so smelly can come out of something only the size of a dime, quarter, or maybe a silver dollar, which is when he admits that he can't say your size for sure, as you know your ass better than he does.