Thursday, September 29, 2011

To Live and Die and Do Stuff in L.A.

These are things I plan on doing in California this weekend:

1. Have sweet, sweet monthly sex with my long-distance girlfriend.

2. Get up early and go for a run along the beach for some last minute training before next week's Chicago Marathon.

3. Go to some sort of museum with the GF. Museums are kind of suck-ass, but when you're with someone fun, they're as fun as anything else.

4. Meet long time blog friends in person for the first time, Laughing Through My Chardonnay and SO@24. A few years back we would have hilarious IM conversations dubbed Eifel Tower Sessions that would either turn into deep probing therapeutic talks or completely off-the-wall disgusting revelations, both of which were equally rewarding. So, it will be good to have a happy hour with them and create "Eiffel Live."

5. Perhaps see one of my oldest friends who has been living there quite some time, and he has a birthday on Saturday. He's been playing in bands for years, and he may even play a show for his b-day, which would be great fun.

6. Go to In-N-Out Burger

7. Then a couple more rounds of the old monthly in-out-in-out with the lady.

8. Fly home Sunday and go back to my cold and lonely life back in Chicago, back to work with very little sleep.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Today's Funny Hood Story, Sept 27, 2011

Every Tuesday I work on the West Side of Chicago where I'm the only white guy for blocks and blocks . . .

Today, my boss in those parts, Mr. Green, wanted to get the attention of a big and ugly kid and said, "Hey, Big Ugly!" What's funny is that Big Ugly walked right over without being the least bit offended that he had just been called big and ugly.

Then Mr. Green started asking him if he played football because of his size, and I said, "Yeah, look at the hands on that fella!" His hands were maybe the biggest things I've ever seen and could have probably held two footballs each with room to spare.

Big Ugly could be very "handy" on The Chicago Bears offensive line this season, and it would be the best nickname since the last time we were really good and "The Fridge" played on the team.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Stop Complaining About Getting Laid Like Crazy, Rivers.

When I was running tonight, Rivers Cuomo from Weezer was singing to me about how tired he is of having sex. Now, I know the point of the song is that he was having meaningless sex with random women and wanted to be in love, but all I could hear is a guy whining about too much sex - and here I am without sex for a month.

My girfriend is in California, and when she was living in Chicago with me, we were hitting it all the time. Now I'm missing her so badly, and I don't think I've missed more than 2 or 3 days of wanking since she left. Seriously, I'm so tired of internet women. I hate these two dimensional, giant breasted women saying filthy things to me while they pretend to like baby batter sprayed in their stupid faces. It's weird, but I really do hate these random internet chicks. I just envision them being loaded up on cocaine and VD, doing it in front of a room full of dudes holding microphones and stuff. What's wrong with those phillies?

I just miss my girlfriend, and not just the sex. I miss her. Yeah, we video chat, but it's just so hard because she's right there . . . but she's not. No, we're not doing any cyber sex. If it happens, it happens, but right now it's just good to see her face every few nights, especially the funny expressions she makes with that face when she tells a goofy story or reacts to something gross and/or off putting that I say.

So, anyway, Rivers, don't talk about how sick of boning you are because I'm hornier than a jack rabbit over here. I'll see her when I fly out to Cali on Friday, and I can't wait! No wanking until Friday. Yeah, I had 3 today, but none for the next five days . . .
PS: If you're my mom or my sister and you're reading this post, I'm sorry.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

You're Entitled To Your Opinion; Your Wrong Opinion

I was just listening to a very funny podcast with Adam Carola and Artie Lange, and Adam was saying how people claim that how funny something is is a matter of opinion, so they can claim "Murphy Brown" was funnier than heyday Simpsons," but they're wrong. He goes on to say that if people can be so called experts on subjective topics such as wine or art, then why can't he be an expert on comedy?


I was so glad someone said this because it's always something I've felt, but I've never been able to frame it quite this well. I knew a chick once who said that she never liked "Seinfeld" and she thought "Friends" was funnier. This was before I was dating her, so I was just trying to tell her that she was flat-out wrong. Then we slept together, and somehow I forgot how someone with such atrocious and idiotic tastes could possibly be right for me. In any event, you just want to say to people like that, "No, you're wrong."

Music is the same way. If someone tries to tell me that 3 Doors Down is a better band than Pink Floyd, I'd just say, "Okay, you're welcome to your opinion, but your opinion spells it out very clearly to me that you are a cultural invalid."

Now, music and comedy are things that I think I know enough about, but films are a little different. I know "Boogie Nights" is a much better movie than . . . let's just say any of those crappy Robin Williams movies. That's fact, but if someone said that "Citizen Cane" is better than "3 Amigos," I would like to say that "3 Amigos" is better because I'd much rather watch it, but I'd be pretty sure that I was wrong. I just don't get "Citizen Cane," but I trust the experts when they tell me how good it is. Still, when El Guapo gets that sweater from his band of marauding banditos, it's just funny as hell. I mean, why would he need a sweater in the desert? "It's a sweater!!"

Okay, anyone want to agree, disagree, or hate me for life for any of this?

Monday, September 19, 2011

I Have No Topic Tonight . . .

. . . so let's just see if there are Wikipedia pages for the first 5 weird and/or disgusting things I can think of:

1. Fear Boner: If you watch "The League," you know that this is when you're so scared that you get an involuntary erection. It didn't make it onto Wikipedia. Yet.

2. Herve Villechaize: Yes the midget from TV's "Fantasy Island" has a page, and here are some fun facts: He insisted on being called a midget rather than a "little person." He was difficult on the set, propositioning the women, arguing with the producers, and when he demanded a salary on par with Ricardo Montalban, he was fired. According to his butler, Herve never got over losing his job on the show, and he spent a good deal of time drinking in a dark room while watching episodes of "Fantasy Island" and cursing at the television. That's actually kind of how Dr. Ken spends his evenings . . .

3. Slump Buster
: Believe it or not, when you look this up, "Hogging" comes up and is described as "the practice of groups of men who target overweight or obese women, typically for sexual encounters." This is also called "big game hunting," a term I'm actually not familiar with.

4. Ron Bykowski: He was the token white guy in George Clinton's Parliament/Funkadelic, and despite playing on a bunch of classic records, he does not have a Wikipedia page. This is kind of messed up because all the other obscure names I could think of who came in and out of the band over the years had a page dedicated to them. I know one record I have lists him as the "token white devil," which is nothing short of outstanding. I'm a big fan of Funkadelic, as evidenced by the picture of George stepping out of the Mothershp, which you can see has been my profile picture on this rag since day one. This has led some readers to think I'm Black, but in actuality, I'm more like the Ron Bykowski of the group.

5. Zubaz (pronounced Zoo-Baz). Yeah, there is a page for these awful, awful pants. I learned this: "In a 1993 survey in Inside Sports magazine, Zubaz finished third in the voting for Worst Thing to Happen in Sports that year." Also, "They hoped to make a short that would stretch and expand with the body during a workout." I was surprised to read that company went bankrupt because it's quite a debonair look.

So, what have we learned? Well, "The League" has yet to be given credit for the terms it has created, some midgets are okay with the term midget, every once in a while something that is more of an "urban dictionary" type of thing sneaks onto Wikipedia, you have to do a little more in your career than be a token guy of a different race than your group to get a page of your own, and Zubaz are just as ugly a look as I remember.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

So, Last Night . . .

. . . I was at a party with Beatnik and Gung Ho and some other folks, and things got really out of hand: We were all totally shit-assed.

As we were leaving, I just remember someone pointing out that the exit sign in the hallway was smashed and dangling off the wall. I don't remember hearing it get punched or whatever, and I have no idea which of us did it. The girl who lives there came out into the hallway and was pissed, rightfully so.

What's incredible is that I talked with both Gung Ho and Beatnik today, and nobody is sure who did it.

It was truly a mystery. A drunken, stupid mystery.
This is one of those posts that is so dumb and pointless that I centered the text to make it seem somehow more important.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Drunk Quiz Thursday

I'm trying to post every day, and today I'm topically bankrupt, so I found a site called, and look at all these great drinking topics:

What Mixed Drink Are You?
What Kind of Drunk Are You?
What Flavor Martini Are You?
What Flavor Margarita Are You?
What Alcoholic Drink Are You?
What's Your Beer Personality?
What Should You Be Drinking?
What Kind of Wine Are You?
Are You a Party Girl?
Are You a Drunk Diva or a Crunk Chick?
What Cuban Cocktail Are You Quiz?
What Hangover Cure Are You?
Are You Beer or Wine?
What Type of Beer Are You?
The Cocktail Test
The Martini Test
What Color Martini Are You?
What's Your Celebration Drink?
The Fancy Cocktail Test

I think we'll go with "What Kind of Drunk Are You," even if the one about "Drunk Diva or a Crunk Chick" is intriguing.

Who are you most likely to drunk dial?

Everyone you can think of
Your best friend
No one - you'll be too drunk to dial
Your ex
Random people, probably strangers
Your sponsor

How come your current girl isn't a choice? I guess I'll go with the best friend.

If you were going to get arrested while drinking, it would be for:

Attempting suicide
Talking back to a cop
Indecent exposure
Drunk in public

I will say "drunk in public." I just don't get people who talk back to cops. I see it all the time, but when the cops come it's time to, as Gancey's Sister says, go to shut-up school.

Where do you do most of your drinking?

In public, with a brown paper bag
During pub crawls
At home
Dive bars
At parties
In your car

I gotta say "at bars" for this one. I hate staying in on weekends, but I also hate spending hundreds of dollars at stupid bars. I actually have to find projects to do to keep me out of bars. Saturday I know I'll take it easy because I have a 20 mile run, volleyball tournament, and Gung Ho's mom's wake the next day, but Friday I need a really good reason not to spend pointless money at bars. Help me out guys . . .

When you drink, you also like to:

Drink more

I'm going to say perform because of all the damn karaoke I've been doing, but "drink more" is also a good choice. "Cry" is a funny option . . .

Finally, what's your poison?

Something warm
Nail polish remover

For sure beer on this one. Sometimes I do wine during the week but just a glass or too. Hard liquor gets away from me in a hurry, and I'm way too old for more than one shot in a night.

Anyone else want to answer a question or two in the comments?

Monday, September 12, 2011


All the time you hear people say, "Don't rain on my parade," but as my girlfriend, LSD, points out, who really likes parades, anyway? I think it's widely agreed upon that fireworks, whether done professionally or shot off very unprofessionally with no shirt or shoes and a beer in your hand, are way cooler than any stinking parade. So, don't rain on my fireworks? It doesn't quite work, does it?

LSD and I were saying how parade rainers, or as I call them, parade-shitters, can really bring you down. I'm sure you know the type: They're critical of everyone, they get annoyed when others have fun, they complain about everything, they're control freaks . . . any combination of these or any one of these to an excess would qualify as a bonafide parade shitter. Essentially, it's the person you envision when you listen to Bob Dylan sing "Positively Fourth Street," specifically the part about what a drag it is to see him/her (probably her).

So, here at The Gancer, to update this phrase, and to tie it in with the whole shit thing, here is what we shall use henceforth:

"Don't shit in my picnic basket."

You can just see it, right? Some jerk just opens up one end of your wicker basket packed with goodies and just craps all up in there, ruining everyone's afternoon with no regard for anyone but himself. That's just what the picnic-shitter does. He shit in picnic baskets.

What do you think, Seven Readers? Would you like to contribute a phrase of your own in the comments?

Yet Some More Gancey Updates

1. I have interns for the first time of my life, and it's a lot of fun but sort of more work, at least at first. In the long run, they're going to help me with the insane workload, but right now I have to run all over the place and keep checking back in with them to give them stuff to do. You know what I have noticed that is funny? When I drop some bomb-ass knowledge, or just say anything, even goofy stuff, they write it down. What a power trip! I hope they don't share these notes during their college courses or their professor will think they've signed up for Kramerica.

2. LSD, the girlfriend, will have been gone to L.A. a week tomorrow. You know what's annoying is when haters are blatantly negative about us trying this. Yeah, I have made some piss-poor choices with women, but now I'm a grown-ass man, and I know for a fact that I'm doing the right thing. Believe it or not, this was a conversation I had with someone today at work.

Dr. Ken: So I was thinking of taking that Friday off since I'll be going to L.A. and there will be nothing going on here that day.

Coworker: Yeah? Why are you going there.

Dr. Ken: My girlfriend lives there.

Coworker: That's what you're doing now? Dating a girl living in California?

Dr. Ken: Yup.

Coworker: Why?

Dr. Ken: Because she's my shit.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

That just says it all. In fact, I could hear that at a wedding.

Priest/Minister/or Whoever
: Do you take LSD to be your lawful wedded wife?

Dr. Ken: Yeah! Duh! She's my shit!

Thursday, September 08, 2011

I'm Tired, and This Is a School Night . . .

. . . so this is going to be brief and full of typos. I got all of my work stuff done tonight, had a half-assed workout, and settled in for the first game of the NFL season with some really crappy wine that tasted like ass vinegar. Let's say you drank wine out of someones butthole, but all you had to chase it with was vinegar - that's what this tasted like. It gave me a mild buzz, but it made up with it by sinking me into a deep depression. Score!

I saw a commercial for the Gene Simmons reality show, and he is finally proposing to Skinimax star Shannon Tweed. Man, I wanked to her movies so many times . . . Anyway, now she's beat up looking, and so is he. I just wish these rock stars would not do these awful reality shows where they're all old and embarrassing. It was bad enough when Ozzy reduced his legacy from being the front man for the founding fathers of heavy metal, Black Sabbath, and an outstanding front man and performer, the true heavy metal madman to . . . an old man hobbling around his apartment, helpless without his wife and he and his kids saying the f-word every few seconds.

Then along comes Gene. Once he was a fire breathing, blood spitting, long-tongued pussy licking Jewish beast-man rocker, and now . . . Well, now it looks like he's having heart surgery, and a couple of years ago he had maybe the worst sex tape of all time where he mounted some young girl with his big belly flopping into her, to the sounds of "I Want To Know What Love Is" by Foreigner (no one should intentionally bang to that after the 80's - let alone video tape it) and the girl didn't even bother to take off her flip-flops as her legs wrapped around the aging embarrassment.

I guess I just want rock stars to stay young forever. I'm not saying I want them to die young, but if they live, I'd just prefer they go into some sort of rock star witness protection program where they are never to be filmed in any way again. They play golf and talk to one another about the good old days, playing Madison Square Garden and that time they had insane groupies sticking squid tentacles into their snatches.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

What's Really on My Mind . . .

. . . is that my girlfriend just went out of town for 2 years, work this year will be the most challenging of my life, and my poor aunt had to pay 2,000 bucks to get thousands of bats out of her house.

But instead of writing about any of that, I'm going to write about random crap such as . . .

Check out this freaky octopus that pops out of that plant like the T-1000 in the 2nd "Terminator" movie. If I were that diver, I'd have crapped, not unlike that spray of ink.

And here's a video of Terrel Owens crying for having no money. Wow. Can we get Sally Struthers and maybe she can shoot a video of him with some flies buzzing around him while he's starving in the dessert, and then folks can send him the money they work for, doing things that are much less fun than playing a game? I mean, did you hear him? He has mortgage payments for superfluous houses he shouldn't have bought and child support for bastard kids he probably shouldn't have conceived during awesome parties you and I will never go to.

That's the kind of useless crap I feel like talking about tonight. I'll let you know when I'm in the mood to talk about what's really on my mind. Thanks for listening, Seven Readers.

Thursday, September 01, 2011

LSD's Going Away Playlist: Volume 4 (The Final Chapter!)

As this is the fourth and final installment in this series, if you already know the purpose of the list, just skip down to have a look at the songs, otherwise, have a look at the intro:

I have been working on writing the "liner notes" for the playlist for discs I made for LSD, my girlfriend, who is going away from Chicago and Dr. Ken for two years to attend grad school in California, and I thought I would share the songs and notes with my beloved Seven Readers.

There are 28 total songs, so I will post 7 songs at a time. As always, be sure to hit pause on the player on the right side of the page if you want to play the song clips. Let me know what you think!

Hey, LSD!

I hope you like these songs. I tried to pick ones that hold some sort of significance, and my hope is that they make at least 153 minutes of your drive to Cali enjoyable.

Perhaps one day you’ll come across this mix and smile.

They’re in alphabetical order by the name of the song, and I actually listened to each song as I wrote the notes for each one.


LSD Cali Mix 1 (part 4) – Liner Notes

22. Wilco "Say You Miss Me"

This is yet another song that came up when I did a search for "miss," and I forgot how much I like this one.

I've been sleepin' alone, out on my own
I'm sure it seems like I'm takin' my time to get back to you
You been doin' your part, working real hard

Yeah, there's some stuff about getting back at each other that totally doesn't apply, I hope, but it's a good song, huh?

23. Promise Ring "Skips a Beat Over You"

This song really doesn't have much to do with anything except that I know you like this power/pop/punk type of sound, and I love this cut. Also, it just peps up this disc a little with a quick 2:01 of rock.

24. Ween "Stay Forever"

I had to get some Ween on this list, and this one seemed to have the right vibe for the occasion. I went to a wedding a long time ago for a friend of mine named Bubba, who has since refused to be called that, and he and his wife danced to this song for their big dance. It was a great day for Bubba. And Dr. Ken.

25. Grandaddy "Summer . . . It's Gone"

This is the song that made me want to make a list like this, and it's the absolute perfect song. If you have to skip a few tracks on your road trip, fine, but just don't skip this one. It has that theme of summer ending, all the fun ending, and it's time to get serious (go to school, or whatever), and that's something we have all struggled with since we were little kids. Grandaddy can lay down miserably awesome songs with the best of them, and this is a great example of that artistry. We need some sad ones on this list for a little catharsis. Shit, I'm sad listening to it now but in a good way.

26. Guided By Voices "Teenage FBI"

This song has no relevance whatsoever except that you wore my "Teenage FBI" shirt when you slept over all the time, and that's a shirt from an softball team a million years ago of the same name and named after this very song. It's one of those big and bad-ass shirts that you don't have to worry about shrinking, and it has served us both well.

27. Joe Cocker "With a Little Help from My Friends"

What do I do when my love is away
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day,
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)

This song fits perfectly, whether you associate with the TV series, "The Wonder Years," or not. Actually, I heard that the "friends" referred to masturbation, which may be a friend I'll rely on more than ever, but in the literal sense, we'll need our actual friends a lot. What's sad is that you'll have to make almost all new friends, but you did so well at that here in Chicago, so I'm sure you'll be more than fine: To know you is to love you. And that's the truth. : )

28. Built To Spill "The Weather"

Yes, another BTS song sneaked onto the list, but I just think this song is so damn beautiful.

And the wind and snow, and the rain that blows;
none of those would matter much without you.
As long as it's talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

I feel like I'm finally with a girl who I can talk to all the time and not get sick of, and even more amazingly, you don't get sick of me talking. I have a lot of stupid ideas and a warped sense of humor (as evidenced by this blog over the years), and I have never felt like a woman has ever really "gotten" me, but you do. I'm a lucky man.