Wednesday, May 30, 2012

When the Ring Card Girl Starts Kicking, Who Holds the Cards?

The very hot ring card girl for the UFC, Arianny Celeste, was arrested for domestic violence after kicking her boyfriend in the face with her high heeled shoe.  Apparently, while in a limousine, the two got into a fight over some text messages her boyfriend, Praveen Chandra, had sent to other women, prompting the face kick.  The argument continued back at their hotel room where Celeste contends he choked her and Chandra says she threw two vases at him.

What I don't get about couples like this is how after a night like this they could ever want to work things out.  Once I have been kicked directly in the face by a girl in a high heeled shoe, even if she looks like Arianny Celeste, we're done.  There is no rational explanation for that, and if I choke you, I should be dumped too - and arrested.

Arianny, leave the kicking to the professionals - you just carry the cards and keep looking good in your undies, and if this guy wants to choke women, maybe get one of your fighter friends to perform a proper choke on him. 

Monday, May 28, 2012

Binge Drinking Recap #325

So yesterday I met HLP, his wife, and their baby out at a very hot and humid Chicago street festival nearby.  I'm really happy for him because I can tell he is totally content.  You know why?  He walks around a festival with tons of hot chicks around with a burp cloth on his shoulder, and when I point it out, he just leaves it there.  He had to go home, but luckily I bumped into some other friends, and Oats came out. 

We ended up at a random Lincoln Park bar because we thought they did karaoke.  Turns out they didn't, but everyone was smiling and we had a good vibe, so we just stuck around.  I like those bars where everyone talks to each other.  It didn't have those huge wolf packs of girls that only want to talk to each other.  One woman was there in a toga.  I mean, it was a really fancy toga, but still a toga.  Her friend said she picked her up and was like, "Okay.  A toga."  She was really nutty, so she kind of pulled it off.  She was nice too, but that didn't stop me from calling her the Iron Sheik and quoting Julius Caesar with an over exaggerated Charlton Heston voice. 

I then achieved a level of drunkenness where the Michael Jackson jokes just started flowing out of me.  That's a good level.  For me at least. 

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Nailed It!

There is a School of Rock right by my apartment in Chicago where young kids learn to play in rock bands.  As I was walking by, some kids were standing in a circle, still very much amped up from their jam session, and one pimply kid said, "We totally nailed breaking the law." 

I just love that there is a resurgence in classic music these days through stuff like this and "Guitar Hero."  When you talk to kids these days, they know all kinds of Sabbath and Zeppelin songs because they shred the solos on "Guitar Hero." 

I'm just glad those kids totally nailed it, that's all.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Kickball for Grownups

My friend, Oates, asked me to sub on his kickball team.  I told him no, but he said that if I didn't, they'd have to forfeit.  So I told Oates that if they couldn't find anyone, I would do it.  Well, he couldn't get anyone and I had to fill in.

I was telling my roommates as I was suiting up that I was pissed about having to go.  I really wanted to just go to the gym and go to sleep, but here I am spending a beautiful summer evening in Chicago playing a stupid recess game.

How dumb that there is a league for that game, right?  While you're at it, why not have a league for the game of Tag?  Better still, Freeze Tag?  Or how about a Red Light/Green Light, Mother May I, or Simon Says?  Kick the Can, anyone?  If you really wanted the GOAT kiddie game, put together a Ghost in the Graveyard tournament!

Then I get there and go 4 for 5 with a home run, zero errors, and we won.  Suddenly I'm a fan.

As it turns out, I think my hate for the game was more out of a fear of sucking at it.  That must be that borderline personality* of mine kicking in.

Hey, readers, anyone heard of any of the aforementioned leagues or played in anything goofy, like a Wiffle Ball league?

*See the angry comments I received in this post if you care for an explanation of this diagnosis. 

Sex and the City Part 2, Part 2

In part two of the video commentary over the movie, Crom, Dr. Ken, and Southie really start to get funny, to us anyway.  I think it was the perfect level of a little buzz from a coupla' beers and we hadn't yet gone fully nuts from a long and boring chick-flick. 


1. Southie evidently wanks off at the office sometimes

2. The option of dropping the women of Sex and the City into Afganastan is deemed "an act of war" by Crom.  

3. The boys decide which Ninja Turtle. Golden Girl, A Team, and member of Wu Tang best fits their respective personalities.

4. Due to a rapid change in the appearance of Sarah Jessica Parker, the boys explore the notion of her playing a female Joker in an upcoming "Batman" sequel. 

Check out the Link, let me know what you think in the comments, and stay tuned for the final 2 installments!


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

I'm Not Rob Anymore!

I have been putting off a lot of things because I'm moving in a couple weeks.  I'm not buying a lot of groceries and I'm not ordering anything to this apartment, which means I haven't ordered a new book to read.  A friend was over and gave me back my copy of "High Fidelity" by Nick Honrny, and while I am not even sure it is, in fact, my copy, I decided to give it another read. 

It's still a very funny and insightful book, but I can't fully relate to Rob, the protagonist, anymore.  There was a time, not long after I read it, where I was him, and most people who knew me would agree.  I was way too interested in rock music to a snobbish degree, I actually worked in a record store for a long time, and I got miserable over failed relationships and played sad songs until I cried.

I'm not that guy anymore.  I'm not Rob!

Even the last relationship I got out of, I was really hurt (even if it was painfully obvious to everyone around me that it was the wrong woman for me), but I bounced back beautifully.  I took all the right steps: Never called her again, cut off all mutual friends, work out like an animal, and got right back into the game with other women to feel good again as quickly as possible.

What I did 5 years prior was more like what Rob would have done: Wallow in self pitty spinning Smiths records, keep trying to figure out what went wrong, feel inadequate about myself in every way imaginable, and let it affect my personal and professional life to a marked degree.

Now look at me.  I'm getting my own place with the woman I love, leaving this frat house with the four roommates behind, I love my job and it's going great, I'm staying in shape - and at 35-years-old (the same age as Rob in the book), I'm finally an adult.  I should have been this guy when I was 27, but I have no regrets.  I grew up one way or another and I've had this blog full of goofy tales to mark my progress, albeit a slow process.  Thanks for reading those of you who have been along for the ride, and expect more grown-up style writing to come and some goofy stuff too  . . . I still gotta be me!

Monday, May 21, 2012

Sex and the City Part 2, Part 1

At long last, the video podcast of myself, Southie, and Crom doing a commentary over "Sex and the City 2."

Forgive us for some off color jokes, but there was beer flowing, it was long and terrible, and this led to some cabin fever insanity. 147 minute running time!  Why?!

So this is just part one, broken up into around 30 minute clips, available for download or just for watching.  Hope you all enjoy!

Special thanks to Crom for all his hard work on the editing process, and an apology for Southie for his crimes against humanity with his awesomely sick brand of humor.


Sunday, May 20, 2012


When I was a kid, my dad started getting these mysterious dirty greeting cards delivered in the mail.  Because they were unsigned and there was no return address, there was no way to tell who was sending them or why.  We could tell it was a male's handwriting on the envelope, but that was about it.  I don't remember how, but my dad figured out it was a good friend of his who would pick up a dirty greeting card in whatever town he was traveling to for work and send us these hilarious cards.

Even after we knew it was him, he continued to send them every now and again, still with no signature, and I would be the first to rip open the envelope to see the dirty jokes and naked people, even if they were usually cartoons - they were still naked.

It was really sad to hear that this friend died a few years back.  I wish I could have known him more as an adult because he seemed like my brand of people.  

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Sometimes You Gotta Slap a Foo'

The first time I saw this clip of Will Smith shoving and slapping a Ukrainian reporter I was pissed because it looked to me like Will leans in there to have the sides of his face kissed and then gets pissed when he gets the expected result.  However, after further review, he says that the guy tried to kiss him on the mouth, which does appear to be the case.  Now I'm kind of in favor of the slap.  If you let reporters kiss you on the mouth, you'll let them do anything to you.  Then the next red carpet event rolls around and the Ukrainian reporter is putting a finger in your ass.  I've seen it countless times at these things . . .

Friday, May 18, 2012

Eating Marijuana

I saw this article where some guys opened up a shop where you can go in and have some Marijuana cheesecake, for example.  In Oregon, medicinal marijuana is legal, so you have to have a card saying you can be "treated," and once in the door, everything is free and everyone shares pot to smoke or eat. 

There is a Ganja Gormet in Denver that opened in 2009, and this doesn't surprise me because Denver is a pretty laid back and progressive city like that. 

One customer said of a "medicated" beef and broccoli, "You can't even taste it that much."  So it may taste a little dopey, but it's much better for your lungs than smoking it.

What do we think about this, Seven Readers?  It doesn't bother me one bit, unless it's filled mostly with people with bogus reasons for the cards.  Actually, that doesn't really bother me either.  Who cares, right?  Smoke your brains out and eat the shit out of that cheesecake for all I care . . .

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I Learned Something When "Vacationing" in Wisconsin . . .

. . . they have commercials for gun stores.  Something was very unsettling about it, especially when they had a sale on a big ass assault rifle for $1,500.  Is that a good deal?  More importantly, should anyone be buying one of those for personal use?

They don't have those ads in Chicago.  Have you ever seen one?  Just curious . . .

Here's the only one I could find on Youtube that looked legit, but it's not as funny as the Wisconsin one.  I do like that there's a lady's night.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Sissy Boy Syndrome

Can you believe that is what a psychologist called the "disorder" that he "treated" through a government funded program in the 1970's?  It sounds more like something we would accuse your friends of being afflicted with when they are the first ones to leave the bar.

He believed he could cure young boys of gayness.  He instructed the boy's family featured in this video to ignore him every time he did anything deemed effeminate.  Well, he isn't gay anymore.  He's dead.  A lot of people call this treatment child abuse, and I tend to agree. 

What a messed up concept it is thinking you can turn people straight.  I believe you're just born one way or another.  I say this because I have met plenty of obviously gay 1st graders over the years.  And they were all great kids just the way they are: nothing needs "fixing."

Get a look at this video if you have a second. 

And try not to accuse your buddies of having Sissy Boy Syndrome because that's just rude and offensive.  Funny, yes, but out of line . . .

Thursday, May 10, 2012

I'll be out of town this weekend, this time running 22 miles around Lake Geneva in Wisconsin.  Sounds a lot more hilly and "challenging" than I thought. 

So I may be writing more when I get back because guys who can't walk have a lot of time for blogging.

In the meantime, how's about the 10 most painful shots to the nuts?

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Are You an Animal Lover?

Anyone ever see this couple?  I don't want to ruin it for you, but they do it with a horse.  No, they don't show it (thank God, plus that would probably be illegal to post anywhere), but they do talk about it in detail: The horse does it with the wife, and the husband lets the horse do him in the can.  

Sorry you're offended by this.  If so, click away now.  But if you want to delve deeper into these weirdos, by all means . . . 

1. "One thing led to another" and you were blowing a horse for the first time?  That sounds like a couple having consensual sex on a one night stand at a bar, and this is nothing like that; This is forcing sex upon a horse.

2. So he sees her getting it on with a horse, and he is turned on and wants to marry her?  This could be a possible angle for the long awaited season finale of "How I Met Your Mother."  You know, if I had to pick out of a lineup a dude who had sex with animals, I think without having seen this clip I could probably guess this guy would be into something along those lines.

3. The husband says that the true pleasure he gets is not from getting it in the wazoo from the horse but knowing that he is making the horse happy.  What a guy.  What an unselfish lover.  More importantly, what a whack-job deviant scumbag!

4. Hold on a minute . . . The horse blows in his ear and he thinks that is something it does for his benefit?  It's a horse!  And she says that the horse is "courting" her?  These people fail to understand that a horse will put its horse wang into anything handy.  They make like the horse is a suave natural born lover like Richard Gere in "American Gigalo."  No.  It.  Is.  A.  HORSE! 

5. This fella lets a horse bite him while he gets it in the butt from a horse?  And he is on television talking about it?  His mom must be proud.  Wonder if he brings the horse by mom's for Christmas.

Get a look at this clip.  Anything else I missed?  Leave your thoughts in the comments section.  And sorry if you're a little grossed out.  I'm a little uneasy myself.  I need to wash my brain of this couple.

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Bruce Wayne's Batcave Shitter

Don't you just when you have to go number two in your single stall, unisex bathroom at work, and just as you're sitting down, someone knocks on the damn door?  Then you have to do the "just a minute" where everyone knows your voice because it's so damn deep, sultry, and let's face it, sexy?  Now, what this interrupter should do is go use the identical bathroom one floor upstairs or just come back in a minute, but what she's going to do is a straight up stakeout and wait outside where I can see her feet pacing.  Who do you think you are, Richard Dreyfuss?  Now I feel like I have to go fast, knowing full well this not one of those fast ones.  So she's going to know that I take terribly long dumps, and because she'll be going in just as I'm headed out, she's going to know that this one was rancid and God awful like a sick person poop.  And thanks to her stakeout, she can now put a face to that awful smell.

What I would like to have is a Bruce Wayne Batcave Shitter.  You just know that at Bruce's place of business he had a similar problem, and being a forward thinking type of guy, he would get the guys who built his batcave at home to make a secret shitter batcave at his work.  All he does is rotate a statue of Rodin's "The Thinker" counter clockwise, and voila!  A bookshelf opens up to a passageway where he sits down in a shuttle that whisks him off to the cleanest most spacious shit house in all of America.  What's more, there is a television in there where he can catch an inning of the Cubs game too, or whatever baseball club plays in Gotham City.  Then he probably takes a picture of his turd and texts it to The Joker just for a laugh.

Yeah, this is what I think about at work.  I fantasize about the best work bathroom in the world.

Monday, May 07, 2012

2012 Cubs Game Damn Shame Game Two

Who Went: The Uncle, Southie, and LaFontaine.  This turned out to be quite a solid crew of funny men.  I like to be challenged by dudes as funny as me, and this day didn't disappoint.   

What I Drank: Let's see here . . . A crappy blue moon variation, a skunky rolling rock, a bunch of microbrews, and a host of watery domestics.

Who Won: My Cubbies won on a walk-off walk in 11th inning.

Today's Revelation: The four of us all agreed that there is no comedy sequel that is better than the original.  The only ones that come even close are the second "Austin Powers," the second "Naked Gun," and perhaps the best is "Christmas Vacation" due to its staying power in that a lot of people watch it every year.

Miscellaneous: We met over at Yankee's place because it's right in between all of our places, and it was already raining.  Then while we were there, a thunderstorm started, delaying the game.  Looking at the radar, it was not looking like there would be any baseball.  So, while we were holed up in there, we drank beers, watched the NBA Playoffs, and spun records (most notably a couple great Clash ones).  We then made it over to LaFontaine's local bar, and when we looked up at the television, the game was on after hours of delays!  We decided to walk up to the park, but Southie had to bow out because he wanted to get home by 5 (something that certainly would have happened had it started on time).

The remaining three walked into the park for one inning, and we were able to get a couple rows back because hardly anyone had waited out the long delay.  We then went to two more bars to watch the finish. 

We also decided that there's nothing wrong with Kate Upton dancing in her underpants.

Saturday, May 05, 2012

Long Live "Rowdy" Roddy Piper

A good friend of mine called me up last night close to midnight when I was intent on staying in, but I hadn't seen her in a while so I met her out for a couple.  I was glad I did because the 1980's science fiction classic "They Live" was on starring none other than Rowdy Roddy.  In case you have never seen it, Roddy's character is a homeless man working odd jobs in construction when he discovers an underground rebellion fighting back against aliens who walk among us; You can't see them until you put on some special sunglasses.

Well, it seems Roddy didn't have a friend in the world, so he tried to convince the only guy he really did know, character actor Keith David, to put on these glasses to see for himself all the subliminal messages on billboards and scary alien faces behind the fake flesh.  Unfortunately, Keith wasn't convinced and thought The Rowdy One was nuts, as anyone might, so he wouldn't agree to put on the sunglasses.  This results in a six minute epic fist fight complete with body slams, swinging two-by-fours, and repeated hard knees to the groin.  I just love that director John Carpenter decided that there was no other way to demonstrate the reluctance someone might feel to believe an alien conspiracy then to let loose with an awesome drawn out fist fight!

You all should check it out.

It's also worth having a look at some of the classic 80's episodes of Rody's talk show during WWF broadcasts, "Piper's Pit," in which he would invariably end up beating up his guest.  "Saturday Night Live" really should have mailed him a check because it's the exact same concept as "The Joe Pesci Show."  Get a look at this one where he gives a jobber (wrestler who makes a career out of losing) from Columbus, Ohio a chance to be on the show but then ends up getting frustrated at his lack of success and whips his ass for no good reason. 

Thursday, May 03, 2012

I'm Tired of Wicked-Fat People

I'm sorry if I'm alienating readers, but when I'm averaging like 1.2 comments a post, what do I really have to lose at this point?

When I watch the "Biggest Loser" and see these enormously fat people, I think what all of you think, "How in the hell did you let yourself get so mammoth?"  Now, I'm not talking about people 20 or 30 pounds overweight because that happens.  I'm talking about the big ass 300 + pounders.

There are a ton of excuses that wicked-fat people have been using for decades now, and none of them are valid, as you can see:

"It's genetic."  Could be.  Or maybe your parents eat like shit so you didn't know any better.  Now you're an adult so stop eating like crap.

"I'm big boned."  Yes, sometimes people have bigger frames, so there are those people who will never be a size 2 or have that 30 inch waist through healthy and safe means, but when you're 350, the bones have nothing to do with it.

"I eat because I'm depressed."  Maybe so, but try eating right and exercising for just one week and tell me if you're feeling nearly as bad as when you were killing that entire bag of hot chips when you promised yourself you'd only have a few.

"I just don't have time to work out."  I don't care what your job is or what your family obligations may be, you cannot tell me you can't find an hour somewhere in your day 5 days a week for the sake of your own health and lifespan.  Get up an hour early and work out in the morning or go for a run on your lunch hour, but do something.  Sometimes fat people feel embarrassed when they work out, but you know what I say when I see a fat person jogging by the lake?  "Way to go, buddy!  Keep that shit up!" 

"My significant other likes me the way I am."  I guarantee that when she said she likes a man with a little meat on his bones, she did not have three hundy' in mind.

People, we only get one life, and we only get one body.  Do you really want to spend your one life looking like the Michelin Man?  You don't need to go on the "Biggest Loser" and lose 150 pounds in 6 months because that's just not healthy.  You don't need to have unnecessary surgery in the form of stapling your stomach so small that it can only handle so much - it's called just not putting so much damn food into it (try some self-control!)  

Start small.

How about just switching to diet soda?  You don't like the taste?  No?  How do you like your dickie-do?

How about cutting out fast food.  Do you really need that processed crud?  You want grade D meat simply because you don't want to leave the comfort of your own car to feed yourself?

How about cutting out fried foods?  My doctor told me one of my cholesterol levels was slightly high, and that was all I had to hear.  Any time I can get something besides fries, I do it.  Yeah a side salad is not nearly as awesome as some seasoned fries from Bennigans, but my arteries don't get clogged from vinaigrette, and I don't feet like I need an immediate carb nap the way I do after a big-ass plate of fries. 

It's a simple formula: Just don't take in twice as many calories as you burn.  You can manage that.  Yes, you can start small, but it's important that you start today.  Throw out all your bad foods, go for a run, make some promises to yourself, and keep those promises.  Or live your life as the Michelin Man, but I doubt that's what you really want.  

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

The Word of the Day for 5.2.2012 Is . . .


It came up as a suggestion on a spell check I did at work, and I instantly loved the look of it.  It is at first glance just an adjective form of the verb caress, but it's more than that.  It seems like a combination of corrosive (which is not good) and caress (which is sweet and cuddly) so there is a nice dichotomy going on there.

Also, it reminds me of "Last Caress" by Misfits, which doesn't hurt in the least.

When looking up that word just now, I found this one:


That means a "simpleton" or a "silly person."  I'm without a doubt calling my nephews that the next time they are running around giggling and carrying on like a bunch of damn . . .  ninnyhammers.

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Hell Hath No Fury LIke a Pollack Scorned

A man in Poland dumped his girlfriend and kept his cleaning appointment with her at the dentist.  Not a good idea.  She put him under, and while he was gassed out, her anger took over, and she just couldn't resist removing every last one of his teeth

Now, a few things come to mind here:

1. Why wouldn't he just go to a different dentist?  No one expects someone to do something that twisted, but that's some balls asking her to go through with the cleaning after shit-canning her.  Because it was free, maybe?  What a cheap ass.

2. I heard she can do up to three years in prison for this offense.  Just 3?  I'd say a year for each tooth for a total of 32 would be fair.  Maybe that's a little harsh.  Let's meet halfway and say 16.

3. I also heard that his new girlfriend dumped him when she saw that he no longer had teeth.  Rough week for this fella . . .

4. Another report said that she bandaged him up so that he couldn't see his mouth and told him to take it off when he got home, saying there were some "complications."  With a cleaning?  Who goes unconscious for a cleaning?  The only thing I can think of is that maybe she said it was just laughing gas but slipped on the one that knocked his ass out.  I would never say no to laughing gas.  Wish I had a tank next to me right now, as a matter of fact.  That shit's a blast.

5. If we have learned anything from all of this it is that if you break up with a lady, don't hit her up for free stuff right away and don't be in the same room with her while unconscious while she has pliers in the room.  That should be obvious, right?  Now I know why there are so many Polish jokes . . . .

You can read the article here if you don't believe me.

And now I'm going to post a hot and sexy Polish newscaster with giant boobs in a shameless attempt to get more readership through google searches.  Enjoy.