the gancer

L.A. Recap

2012-02-13T19:38:00.000-08:00

As some of you know, my girlfriend, the lovely Miss LSD, is living in Los Angeles for 2 years while going to graduate school. We had a monthly visit in L.A. over the weekend, and here's what I learned: I love my lady, and I love The Rainbow more than any bar outside of Chicago. Lemmy and Ron Jeremy are there almost every night, Lemmy by the bar playing video poker and drinking Jack and Cokes and Ron in his own booth with another booth for his big, old, hairy penis.

On this night, Chuck Zito and Leatherface were in there. Some dude I didn't know said, "Do you want to meet Leatherface?" I thought it a little strange because, while I am a fan of horror movies, I'm not a big enough fan to bother the dude who played Leatherface. Too late, the guy had already motioned for me to follow him. When we get to Leatherface's table, he is huge, standing around 6'6", but he looks way younger than he should be. I shook his hand and told him how much I loved his work, especially when he plunks that poor guy in the head with the hammer. He muttered to the friend that introduced me something to the effect of "What are you my publicist?," and turned around back to his friends. I said that he didn't seem too friendly, and the guy that brought me back there said, "Yeah. We don't really get along." Then why in the hell did you drag me back here to meet this big jerk? And it wasn't even the original Leatherface. It was the one in the remake and the same dude who played Lattimer in "The Program." Well, better that I just played it cool and didn't what I really think of him. I mean, have you seen this scene?

Hate F'ing, 2nd and Final Chapter

2012-02-13T17:38:00.000-08:00

Well, folks. Below you will find the second half of the Hate F'ing podcast (part one is a couple of posts ago). As a reminder, Hate F'ing is when you sleep with someone out of anger. The way we came up with our totals was have all participants list their submissions, we discussed, and then all entries were voted on by the group to see if they made it through to the finals (the lady needed 3 out of the 4 thumbs up to get through, not counting vote of the person who suggested the name). We then rated each of the 13 finalists one to 13, with the lowest score being the best (sort of like an NFL Confidence Pool) and added up all of our totals.

And here is the master list of most Hate F'able Famous Women in the Free World from last place to first (remember that a low score wins, like golf).

12. Sarah Silverman - 43 points

11. Paula Abdul - 41 points

10. Heidi Moutag - 39 points

9. Jessica Simpson - 37 points

8. Kristen Stewart - 37 points

7. Paris Hilton - 36 points

6. Chelsea Handler 34 points

4th and 5th (tie) Fran Drescher and Miley Cyrus (tied with 33 points

3. Ce'line Dion - 24 points

2. Sarah Palin - 17 points

1. Casey Anthony - 14 points.

Yes, Casey killed her kid, so that gave her a big edge in the hate department, being the only murderer on the list. Still, we congratulate you, Casey. And we hate you, but I'm sure you'll get that painful Hate F'ing or jail time (or both) that you deserve (like O.J.).

Remember, we're not evil, just a bunch of dudes who got together with booze and a bad idea. Also, you have to turn my music player off on my blog to along the right panel before hitting play. If you double click in the MP3, it will download to your iTunes, and if you just hit play, it will just play.

Happy Hate F'ing and Happy Valentines Day, everyone!

I Was Telling My Shrink the Other Day . . .

2012-02-08T20:32:00.000-08:00

. . . That I don't like people who aren't funny. That's too strong. I don't dislike them - they're not bad people - I just prefer to surround myself with funny people. I feel no sense of curiosity around the unfunnies as to what might be the next thing they might say when nothing funny ever comes out of them. Maybe they'll give me important tips or advice, but how often does that really happen. Hardly ever, right? So better just to not listen or half-listen.

Then again, crazy is the next best thing to funny. When someone is totally of their nutter, then the do say some interesting stuff, albeit totally insane.

Now, funny with a healthy amount of crazy is really what I like. That's the best of both worlds, and that's pretty much what I am. This is evidence by the fact that I write funny stuff (that's the funny side) and I just said I see a shrink in the title (there you have your crazy).

I just hope I'm as funny as these guys when I'm their age.

Hate F#cking: Part One

2012-02-06T19:03:00.000-08:00

Yes, hate f#cking - when you hate someone so much that you want to give them a rough rodgering. I hope you enjoy this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it. As always, be sure to pause the music player on the right panel before hitting play. If you want to download it to your iTunes for some interesting conversation during your morning commute, double click where it says MP3, and if you just want to listen here on the blog, just hit the play button. Part 2 will go live in a week or so. Happy hate f#cking, everyone!

The Grudge

2012-02-04T14:51:00.000-08:00

I got my boys coming over a podcast tonight. The topic: Top 5 Grudge F$%ks. Yes, women you hate so much that you want to give them a good rogering to teach them a lesson. Yes, it's horribly sexist, but what do you expect when you get a bunch of dudes together away from their girlfriends and load them up with beer?

This is your last chance to submit some names. They'll be here in a little bit . . .

Great Time for a Caption Contest

2012-01-31T19:59:00.000-08:00

I saw this picture on Facebook, and it's just dying for a caption. "What's going on here?" is the caption used on FB, so you can't use that one - even if it's just about the funniest possible one.

James Douglas, no more lurking. I'm specifically thinking you could get a win here . . .

Great Big Fat Person

2012-01-30T22:36:00.000-08:00

There's nothing sexier than when your man leans in really close and slowly asks you the following: "Oh wait, was she a great big fat person?"

Updates Nobody Gives a Good God Damn About

2012-01-29T17:33:00.000-08:00

I'm sick and barely left my bed today, and I'm reading two books I got at the dollar store, one of which sucks.

I miss my long distance girlfriend, the lovely Miss LSD, but I'm happy she's going to see Neal Brennan and Bill Burr per my recommendation, 5 blocks from her house for 5 bucks.

The word of the day is pederast, as in, "He had to go door-to-door to tell everyone he was a pederast."

It turns out the NFL Prowbowl is really stupid. It's like they don't hit each other, and you're almost a dick if you try to break a tackle. Why not just make the thing two-hand touch or have them hang sweat socks off their belts and play flag? Piss poor. What's worse is that this year they're letting the players tweet during the game. Wait, one more dumb thing is that the two best teams don't represent players because they play in a real game next week called "The Super Bowl."

So like NFL players like Ocho Cinco, I am pretty active on Twitter lately. I guess it's just that I like people to immediately tell me I'm funny, and blogger doesn't allow for that nearly as well, except for Sybil Law who comments immediately, and I'm grateful for that. Don't worry, Seven Readers, I'll always be a blogger, whether people read or not.

Remember when you were a kid and a Big Mac was like the biggest thing on earth? I remember the day I finished one was the day I became a man. Now I think I could knock down three if I had to, so what's that make me?

Drunken Tales Number . . . Somewhere in the Teens

2012-01-28T10:12:00.000-08:00

I was out last night with Oats and his buddy Chest, and on our way home after last call, we passed Oats' usual bar that was still packed when it should have been closed. We had to investigate. Turns out everyone in there had tuxedos and evening gowns (do people still say that outside of Ms America?) on, and the bar was still liberally pouring drinks. One very gay man was telling Chest and myself that everyone in there came from an Opera event, and he proceeded to tell us how much everyone in the room made, whether we cared to know or not. "That guy gets 2 grand a night, he makes 3 . . ." I asked who in there made the most, and he motioned to a really heavy woman, who was hilariously bending over at the time, and he told me that she gets 7 grand a performance. I said, "So, I guess that's because it's not over until the fat lady sings, right?" He didn't find it all that funny, but Chest did, so it was worth saying as far as I'm concerned.

Then we were talking to a young lady who manages one of the singers in the room she motioned to who looks like Venessa Williams, who I guess is on the billboards for the Opera house. Manager chick was one of those gals who's snotty and elitist but doesn't even realize it, and it's not even in a mean way, so you can't really hate her. She said that she grew up in the Chicago burbs but was quick to point out that this is the first time she has been back because now she's a New Yorker - one of those people who thinks New York is like an island, like Kurt Russel in "Escape from New York," and everyone living anywhere else must be some kind of mouth breather just drooling on himself and watching "Hee Haw." I told her which burb I grew up in, and she said, "Oh, that's way out there." I politely pointed out that it's the same distance from Chicago only west instead of north. She only knew the North Shore suburbs where all the rich people live, so she kind of had that snooty mentality before becoming such a big deal New Yorker. I just feel bad for her parents who want to see her, but she won't come back home unless she absolutely has to because Vanessa Billboard has a performance that weekend. When she asked what I did for a living, I didn't want to tell her my real job because I didn't like her, and when I don't like people, I lie to them. So, I let her know that Chest and I were "consultants." This seemed to interest her, but I just shifted the conversation back to how much the see donkey* in the corner makes a night.

Anyway, I have to get going because I have awesome seats for UFC in my hometown of Chicago, a city that I love like I love my family and my girlfriend and beer. Toodles.
-------------------------------------------
*This is a term that Oats uses for fat women. It's mean and doesn't make much sense because donkeys don't swim and aren't always fat, but tell me it's not funny to say? I give it a week until Shife starts saying it, driving his wife nuts.

Mugs in the News

2012-01-25T17:49:00.000-08:00

Believe it or not, there is so much crime in my hometown of Chicago that there is a section on Chicagotribune.com with that very title. Here at The Gancer, I'd like to help stop crime by assuming other crimes that these guys have done based solely on their faces and make fun of people who are innocent until proven guilty. But let's face it - they probably did it.

Suspect #1

This fella is charged with attempted murder, but because he looks so much like Thom York, I'm going to say that he's also guilty of a couple years of brilliance followed by years-of-years of aimless moaning and groaning like a sick cat over drum machines and tape loops.

Suspect #2

This ruffian is charged with aiding in child molestation, aiding in child exploitation, aiding in voyeurism, aiding in theft, and possession of child pornography. Now, to aid in voyeurism, is that like holding a ladder while another guy peeps in a window? We're also charging him with playing second fiddle too much to a real pervert.

Suspect #3

This idiot stands charged of aggravated battery, resisting a police officer, and battery with intent to provoke or insult. Now, when you batter someone, throw a brick at their head, don't just provoke and insult. Just like grade school: No name-calling, young man! In addition, with that horribly dumb smile of his in the mug shot, The Gancer is formerly charging him with smiling entirely too eagerly and creepily for your mug shot. I think he may have been the lead pervert with the overly helpful assistance of Suspect #2.

If you have any suspects you'd like me to make assumptions about and make fun of, send them to thegancer@yahoo.com. With your emails and my assumptions, together we can stop crime.

Response To What the Fuck Facts

2012-01-23T17:51:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the language, but that's a twitter account that I follow that tweets out really weird facts all day long. I like to respond to them, for some reason, and here's what I have said to the fine folks at "WTF Facts" so far.

WTF Facts: Men with a certain rare medical condition can breastfeed babies.
Dr. Ken: That "medical condition" is called man boobies.

WTF Facts: In an average day, a four year old child will ask 437 questions!
Dr. Ken: And they will say "Mom" 899 times trying to get your attention. Annoying!

WTF Facts: More people have cell phones than access to a decent toilet.
Dr. Ken: That's just crazy, right? I love texting from my "decent" toilet.

WTF Facts: Women fart just as much in a day as men.
Dr. Ken: More people have cell phones than access to a decent toilet.

WTF Facts: Facebook was directly related to 1/3 of divorces (Don't quote this stat. Couldn't find the original).
Dr. Ken: Twitter needs to step

WTF Facts: 42% of couples have sex in front of a pet (another guessed stat because I couldn't find the original)
Dr. Ken: Hell no. My iguana judges me.

WTF Facts: Two dogs survived the sinking of the Titanic.
Dr. Ken: Does this turn into a joke about how those two formed the pedigree for Chuck Norris' dogs?

Another Lyric Analysis: "Mama Said Knock You Out" by L.L. Cool J.

2012-01-18T19:23:00.000-08:00

And with the local DBT news, LL Cool J with a triumphant comeback
[mumbling]
but tonight . . .

I looked up the acronym DBT, and the most common ones are Drive By Truckers and Department of Biotechnology, neither one likely to have been covering L.L.'s comeback in their publication.

Don't call it a comeback
I been here for years
Rockin my peers and puttin suckas in fear
Makin the tears rain down like a MON-soon
Listen to the bass go BOOM
Explosion, overpowerin'
Over the competition, I'm towerin'
Wreckin shop, when I drop these lyrics that'll make you call the cops
Don't you dare stare, you betta move
Don't ever compare
Me to the rest that'll all get sliced and diced
Competition's payin the price

[Chorus:]

I'm gonna knock you out (HUUUH!!!)
Mama said knock you out (HUUUH!!!)
[REPEAT 4X]

Don't u call this a regular jam
I'm gonna rock this land
I'm gonna take this itty bitty world by storm
And I'm just gettin warm
Just like Muhummad Ali they called him Cassius

I never got this. Did they call L.L. Cassius? It seems like he could have named hundreds of other ways he could be compared to Ali that would have made more sense, but since he rhymed it perfectly with "bash this," we'll let it slide.

Watch me bash this beat like a skull
Cuz u know I had beef wit
Why do u riff with me, the maniac psycho
And when I pull out my jammy get ready cuz it might go
BLAAAAW, how ya like me now?
The river will not allow
U to get with, Mr. Smith, dont riff
Listen to my gear shift
I'm blastin, outlastin
Kinda like Shaft, so u could say I'm shaftin
Old English filled my mind
And I came up with a funky rhyme

I just love that Old English triggered his brain to write rap lyrics because all it makes me to is go pee and throw up, maybe pour out liquor for dead homies, like Optimus Prime.

C'mon man

Shadow boxin' when I heard you on the radio (HUUUH!!!)
I just don't know
What made you forget that I was raw?
But now I got a new tour
I'm goin insane, startin' the hurricane, releasin' pain
Lettin' you know that you can't gain, I maintain
Unless ya say my name
Rippin', killin'
Diggin' and drillin' a hole
Pass the Ol' Gold

I always thought this was "past the old goal," like surpassing a goal, but maybe he means he wants someone to pass him the "ol' gold," as in his big assed gold chain. Either way, rippin', diggin', and drillin' a hole sounds really painful and gross, like maybe he wanted to rape Kool Mo Dee's butt, who I heard this song was about.

Shotgun blasts are heard
When I rip and kill, at WILL
The man of the hour, tower of power, I'll devour
I'm gonna tie you up and let you understand

Okay, now I'm sure he wants to rape somebody.

that I'm not your average man
when I got a jammy in my hand
DAAAAAM!!!!! Oooooohh!!
Listen to the way I slaaaaay, your crew
Damage (UHH) damage (UHH) damage (UHH) damage
Destruction, terror, and mayhem
Pass me a sissy so suckas I'll slay him
Farmers (What!!!) Farmers (What!!!)

Why's he getting all these farmers amped up like this, and is he getting them to bomb a town in the name of his personal rap beef? That sounds unfair to these poor farmers who are just trying to earn an honest living off the land. Fight your own battles, L!

I'm ready (we're ready!!!)
I think I'm gonna bomb a town (get down!!)
Don't u neva', eva', pull my lever
Cuz I explode
And my nine is easy to load
I gotta thank God
Cuz he gave me the strength to rock
HARD!! knock you out, mama said knock you out

He seems against people pulling his lever in that last verse, whereas I'm okay with a lever pull every now and again, especially when Old English is filling my mind. Peace, Seven Readers. And farmers . . .

It's a Punjabi-Jammy-Jamm!

2012-01-17T20:06:00.000-08:00

I figured out at an Indian wedding in Costa Rica that Punjabi music is fun as all hell; you simply can't not be having fun with a room full of people dancing around to the stuff. Heterosexual Life Partner (HLP) and myself are dying to get our hands on some Punjabi discs. Can you imagine working out to a song like the one below? You'd feel like an all-powerful Genie! (Be sure to click off the music player to the right before playing the video)

Just look at the cat in this video. I dig how he decides to just have like five versions of himself, and each version is even more enthusiastic about this Punjabi groove than the one before him. Together, forget about it. The dude crashes down to earth in a comet, multiplies, and starts dominating and flinging around fireballs. I'm not sure of the significance of the spinning fans, but he no doubt worked up a sweat with all that rocking. At 3:10, he puts his hands into a huddle with a few other guys like the starting five of a basketball team, as if to say, "What time is it?!? . . . Punjabi Time!"

I'm going to have a Punjabi Jammy Jam at my apartment this summer. You're all invited for samosas and dancing like crazy-asses, and this guy is landing in my backyard in the form of a comet right around midnight.

Sly? Is That You?

2012-01-16T21:50:00.000-08:00

("Yo! What'l it be, pizon?")

I had a dream last night that Sylvester Stallone was working at the pizza by the slice place on the corner by my house. I remember kind of feeling bad for him; the fact that he had to work there.

I love how in dreams we don't questions things like this, like how in the hell could Sly go broke overnight and move to Chicago to dole out slices of pizza. It made perfect sense last night.

2012-01-15T14:39:00.001-08:00

Crom and Cliff are coming over in a little while for a Podcast where we'll be watching the Star Wars Christmas special from 1978. George Lucas wasn't too happy with how it came out, saying, "If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it."

Well, you didn't find my copy, George, and I'm going to make fun of it tonight while sipping some cheap, shitty wine with my buddies.

Expect this thing to be posted in a week or so, Seven Readers.

Another Boozing Summary

2012-01-14T08:33:00.000-08:00

Last night I had to go downtown for my good friend Oats' birthday party. The thing about downtown versus the North Side is that the people are prettier overall, dressed up nicer and probably more successful, but once everyone is drunk, they're just like drunks anywhere else - Albuquerque, Hamburg, Tatooine, it doesn't matter. Folks were still falling into me, spilling stuff, bumping into lamps, and I'm always cool with that because I've likely been "that guy" twice as many times as them.

Without a doubt, the drunkest human in there was someone I met named Kate. She came up to me and ripped my pearl snap shirt open, then she and a friend howled like "Girls Gone Wild," and then she walked away. Later, we had a more civilized encounter, and she was telling me how she was pretty sure her friend liked me. I said, "But Kate, weren't you the one trying to strip me naked a minute ago?" She also had a strange habit of taking pictures of people she doesn't know, which is probably fun at the time but confusing the next day when she scans through her handy work.

It turns out Kate, like your humble narrator, is in a long-distance relationship, with her fella living in Boston. She said she's pretty sure that we could be friends, but I don't think that will work out because we didn't exchange information. Plus I need another drinking buddy like I need to squat naked on an upright a football.

2012-01-11T21:35:00.000-08:00

I had this dream where I was moving into a new apartment, and Brock Lesnar was going to be my new roommate. The realtor was showing him around, and when she introduced him to me, he didn't know who I was, which I thought was weird because I was his last roommate too, evidently. I remember shaking his hand, and what was incredibly realistic is that his hand engulfed mine completely, which it about would.

Midway through this realtor showing us around, it dawned on me that there is no way in hell I could afford this place unless Brock was paying 95% of the rent.

Then I woke up.

Spell Check Is Smarter Than You Think

2012-01-11T18:00:00.000-08:00

Today I was spell checking a document, and the word "sippy," as in sippy cup, came up as an unknown word. The word suggested instead was "nippy," as in nippy cup?

Actually, that kind of makes sense since the baby is getting used to something that's kind of like the . . .

You see!

Spell Check is Smarter Than You Think.

Forever Lazy and Forever Behind the Times Here at The Gancer

2012-01-09T19:30:00.001-08:00

Yes, I'm probably the last blogger on earth to see this commercial for pajamas geared towards weirdos who want to be lazy infants. This video . . . it fascinates me. Allow me to tell you, oh seven readers, chronologically, just how Forever Lazy pajamas are so warm, fuzzy, and creepy.

0:01: Have you ever seen people struggle so much to operate something I had thought mankind had perfected thousands of years ago: the blanket? That last woman looks like she's about to snap, the poor thing.

0:40: This guy has evidently decided to "party it up with friends" by calling over his buddies to watch the ballgame in their fuzzy jammies. Do you get the feeling that he insisted these kids slip into the Forever Lazies he had "just lying around," and then asked them to join him for a celebratory "cuddle fest" after the local team won the televised sporting event? I mean, I would cut the Forever Lazy commercial-maker-people some credit and say it was a harmless afternoon of a father and his sons, but they're the ones who painted the picture of some grown-ass-man "partying it up" with his prepubescent "friends"

0:41: Are they suggesting that it's easier to get close to animals when you, like them, have a full body coat of fur? Okay, I guess I can see that. I don't take issue with this. Next . . .

0:58: Now, I don't get how they're billing these get-ups as the best way to get lazy as hell, but then they're saying it's good to wear them when cramming for an exam. I'm concerned this young man will doze off to sleep into his Western Civ book and hibernate through the whole semester like a big, lazy pink bear. Slip some jeans on, sir, and . . . Wait! Is that his asshole roommate, also wearing pink Forever Lazy, loudly and quite rudely shooting Nazi's in the face in "Call of Duty" with his feet up while his poor roommate is trying to study for his midterm? More importantly, do these boys have no fear of being made fun of unmercilessly for cavorting around together in their dorm room in their matching pajama onesies?

1:00: Now, when they say that going to a ballgame in a big group, all wearing Forever Lazies, will make them the talk of the next tailgate, do they mean that they will be talked of in a favorable way, because I have my doubts about that.

1:15: And this takes us to the coup de gras - how to go pee and poop in one of these contraptions. There are zippers both in front and on back, of course. Am I to believe that these folks going to the ballgame are to sit their furry asses down on a toilet seat, sucking up all those germs and crabs onto their furry pelts? Yuck. Count me out for that post-game "cuddle fest."

1:20 to Rest of Stupid Commercial: If you order now, as if wearing one of these things doesn't sound quite lazy enough, you also get a neck pillow. And if you don't think that you feel nearly enough like a baby, you can also get something you probably haven't worn since you were an infant: Footies!

If you and your friends order a bunch of these and attend a ballgame in them, I'd like you to send your videos to thegancer@yahoo.com. And please don't send any videos of you doing your number one and two's through the flaps or any furry love making, also utilizing the flaps, as that's not something I'm into. Yet . . .

Club Fred

2012-01-07T15:53:00.000-08:00

At the wedding in Costa Rica I was talking about in the last post, I got to know the photographer pretty well. He was telling me how he was staying at Club Fred, which sounds like a fancy resort, right? Nope. When you're staying there, you're just living with some dude named Fred.

I guess Fred told the photographer guy, "Yeah, so if you take some beers out of the fridge, just replace them, okay?" Also, when Fred's guest asked how he should get to town to buy groceries and things, Fred, watching the television with his feet up, just tosses him the car keys over his shoulder and and says, "Here, take my car. Just put some gas in it. Cool?"

Sounds like a lovely home away from home, no?

The Costa Rican Go Go House

2012-01-06T12:32:00.001-08:00

Sorry about the long blogging absence, Seven Readers, but I was getting settled back in after my trip to beautiful Costa Rica. Myself, LSD (Law School Dropout), and two other couples stayed in a house, formerly owned by one of the Go Go's, right in the jungle and just off the beach, and we had the craziest caretaker-lady ever, which is what I want to tell you about.

She was waiting on the front porch when we got there for what she told us was 5 hours, smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. She was a pleasant enough looking woman if not a little weathered and haggard, but it was nice that she went right in for hugs, even rubbing HLP's (Heterosexual Life Partner) wife's pregnant belly immediately upon meeting her.

She then began her tour of the place, which was extensive and intense, bordering on meth-infused, complete with far too in depth instructions of which light switches did what. She went on to make the bold claim that we were guaranteed to see monkeys, sloths, and pumas right outside the place. She also said that you could go down by the river/waterfall and see shrimps at night, that is if we packed our infrared goggles. I'm afraid we did not have the foresight for that.

Not only did this woman say we'd see fun animals, but there was a guestbook full of entries of people saying how many critters they saw. We saw no animals we couldn't have seen variations of in Chicago. One time while on a hike, a monkey tried to pee on HLP, but he barely got a good look at him. Other friends of ours saw a sloth while zip lining, but we missed that one too. Some other friends of ours said they were having breakfast outside by their hotel, and a bunch of howler monkeys could be seen and heard just going bananas and ape-shit all over the damn place. We searched high and low for fun animals, and these monkeys were just coming over to their damn breakfast nook to perform. Totally unfair.

The tenants in the guestbook said that "Sammy the Sloth" came to visit them every morning, and more than one entry spoke of the monkeys that showed them their babies, like they were dangling them over a balcony like Michael Jackson or hoisting them up like Simba in Lion King. What animal waves their babies out for a bigger species to eat? Pretty selfish, like, "Eat this little fucker and let us go. Cool?"

One night I thought for sure I heard monkeys, so I put on my slippers, went outside, and frantically circled the whole veranda . . . nothing. LSD said I was beginning to slip into Monkey Madness. I was. She also said that the guestbook and the caretaker made it sound like the monkeys would want to be our friends, but they didn't. The little pricks. Caretaker-lady said that when you look outside in the morning, you'd see anywhere from 5 to 100 monkeys. What? 5 sounds perfect to me, but 100 sounds more like a hostile takeover like in "Planet of the Apes."

HLP thought of the perfect entry for us in the infamous guestbook, and it was as follows:

We didn't see a God damned thing.
-Chicago, 2011.

I really do hate all those monkey-seeing jerks . . .

A Blog Break in Paradise for Dr. Ken

2011-12-26T20:46:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of me and one of my closest friends, Sexpot, jumping off swings when we were kids. There are numerous things that are noteworthy here:

1. Sexpot's butt appears to be on backwards.

2. Dr. Ken's shorts are horrible. So are his socks.

3. The shadows look like they're having a killer karate match.

4. Our buddy, Nerf, who took the picture, got it at the very top of our jump! If we did this jump now, all our old-balls bones would pulverize into fine Peruvian powder.

5. Sexpot is getting married in a few days in Costa Rica, and I'm headed there tomorrow to celebrate with him. I found this old picture, blew it up, printed it, wrapped it up for him, and I just know he's going to love it, as this is a legendary picture that we always talk about.

I probably won't be around for a week or so, but I'm sure I'll have some fun stories when I get back. See you around, 7 Readers . . .

5.

Top 10 Worst Things for a Dude To Ask the Help at Victoria's Secret

2011-12-24T20:15:00.000-08:00

10) Can you help me into one of these lacey numbers? And if so, can I wear it out?

9) These all look like panties. Where are all the undies?

8) My wife is wicked fat. You think I could squeeze her gut into one of them corsets?

7) Has anyone tried these on before? I only want to buy them if someones tried them on before.

6) Do you have anything hornier and trashier?

5) I've knocked down a few of these, and I don't feel too good. You sure they're edible?

4) I'm looking for something to turn on my mom's new asshole boyfriend.

3) I can't concentrate anymore. Can I use one of those fitting rooms to "take care" of this boner and get back to shopping?

2) Do you think my 7-year-old would like these?

1) I'm positive these right here won't fully contain my nuts.

---------------------------------------------------

*I let Dr. Ken's sister rank these, needing a woman's touch to decide which questions are creepier than others.

2011-12-24T01:50:00.000-08:00

When we were at the bar tonight, someone was raving about something called something like the dolphin hummer, or something, and it tickles the spot on a man during sex, somewhere around where the balls meet the peen? We were wondering what the name of this spot is, and some were saying that there is a clear distinction between the two areas, while others were saying they sort of fuse into one another.

So, the consensus is that they are kind of like a joint or a socket. We're going with the Peen Socket.

2011-12-20T18:06:00.000-08:00

A while back, I interviewed former UFC fighter and Chicago MMA legend, Shonie "Mr. International" Carter. You can listen to that here. It's pretty damn funny.

These days, he has lost 8 out of his last 10, he still often dons a top hat, and he trains people at my gym. Today, as I walked by, he was working on the mat with a woman lying down, and he was rubbing a big foam roller across her back. Then he mounted her, sitting on her butt to get a better position. When I came back over there to use the bathroom, I saw that he had abandoned the roller, and he was rubbing her shoulders, still sitting on her butt. When I came out of the bathroom, he was rubbing her butt, kneading those cheeks like dough.

Now, I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt here, but as many personal trainers as I've seen over the years, I've never seen one implement the butt rub.

What do you think, Seven Readers? Would you be okay with a butt rub on a gym mat in front of everyone at your athletic club? Would if it was a person of the same sex?

Sit Down "Indian Style" on the Carpet, Seven Readers . . .

2011-12-18T16:02:00.000-08:00

. . . because it's story time, but we don't say "Indian Style" anymore; we say "Criss-Cross Applesauce."

I have been getting rejected for publications that don't even pay me, which is a new experience that I find to be irritating and disheartening. However, whether my "prose," whatever that is, is up to snuff or not, I know that one thing I can do is tell a funny story about shit that goes down when I go out "drankin'," so that's what I'm going to do for your today, oh Seven Readers . . .

As some of you know from my "Tales from the Hood" segments, I work in the hood with Black folks every Tuesday, and Friday night that office had their Christmas party downtown with the other branches all in attendance too, who are also 95% Black. As I was coming in, I saw two African American ladies who were wondering whether to go upstairs or downstairs, and one actually said, "Well, I hear Black people downstairs." I asked what they were looking for, they said they wanted to find the office party, so I told them, "You're right, there are Black people downstairs, but the party you want is upstairs," and led them to it.

One fun thing about this group of people is that when someone new shows up, they make a loud crazy entrance, kind of like when a character pops his head in for the first time in a sitcom. As they got more "pops" in them, things got louder and buck wild. One chick was pressing her hands against the wall, sticking her butt out, and doing an up and down thing with alternating cheeks maneuver that I really can't describe - you just had to be there. The whole room was transfixed by her, including one dude who's funnier than hell who was making eyes at her, but he didn't have his contacts in. I helped him out by telling him that she was more of a 2AM girl and it was only around 10 at this point.

I ducked out of the party when everyone started dancing because I can't dance for shit. Plus the guy was mixing in the 90's songs I like, but by the time I'd get to the dance floor, he'd start playing some new shit I didn't know. I hate that. So, I met up with Oats at our karaoke spot. There was some .com party in there that packed the damn place. The DJ always sings songs with me, and one he and I like to do is "At This Moment" by Billy Vera and the Beaters. I had a bad, bad feeling about doing this song because usually it's for like 20 people who are barely paying attention, but this was a night where everyone knew each other and no one knew who in the hell I was or what in the hell that stupid song was all about. They must not get those fond memories I get of Alex P. Keaton and Ellen's love affair when they hear that number. So, I was greeted with a chorus of boo's. What's worse is that the DJ started out trading versus with me, but then he started talking to some chick, leaving me all alone with an unruly audience who wanted blood! In true Dr. Ken fashion, I told them all, "I know you guys are hating on this, and here comes the big finish! If I could just hoooooooold you . . . . It gets worse! If Iiiiiiiiiiii could just hooooooooooooold yoooouuuuuuuuuu . . . Again! Thank you! You'll never get those 4 minutes back, pornhub.com!!!!!!"

After that, Oats did "For the Longest Time" by Billy Joel, but he wanted DJ and I to back him up, so DJ did the "oh oh's" and I did some sort of A Capella bass vocal/beat box type thing, like the guy with the cane in Boys To Men. Oats then wanted to meet some gal he's trying to bed at Sidetracks in Boys Town, the gay neighborhood of Chicago. As the two of us were walking down Halsted Street with all the Christmas decorations around the rainbow poles, Oats was practicing his "tenor" vocal on "For the Longest Time" and getting frustrated that he can never get the right pitch on stage because he gets nervous. He told me that he was in show choir as a kid but then quickly changed the subject. He then got a text that his girl left the bar to go home, so we enjoyed a lovely late night stroll through fabulous Boys Town totally in vain, which I thanked him for. Very sarcastically.

CS'er and MF'er

2011-12-14T20:18:00.000-08:00

I had a bad experience being put on hold for too long and jerked around last night trying to get something from an airline, and it occurred to me that I knew the answer: CS'er and MF'er them!

I knew a guy once who said that if you ever want to get people on the phone to see things your way, even when they've been trained to screw you is say those magic two phrases as many times as possible.

Example:

Dr. Ken: Hey, I'm getting a little pissed here.

Operator: Sir, try to remain calm.

Dr. Ken: Yeah, I've been calm. Now I'm MF'ing pissed.

Operator: I understand, but I've told you that we can't refund your . . .

Dr. Ken: Oh, you'll refund my MF'ing money, or you'll put me on with your supervisor, and that CS'er will refund my MF'ing money

Operator: Umm . . . okay, I'll connect you . . .

-----------------------------------

You see? It's just that easy! Now, I'm not saying you should all excessively CS and MF all through out your day. That would just be rude and crazy like a Tourette's guy, but there are those desperate times where those wonderfully offensive phrases will get you what you MF'ing want out of those dirty CS'ers.

Tales From The Hood: Volume 16

2011-12-14T17:51:00.000-08:00

Sorry it's been a while, but I think you'll like this hood tale, 7 readers.

So, the dude I'm talking to has like the biggest hands of all time, like a couple of catcher's mitts, and the other gal is a really nice lesbian chick. They were asking if one Caucasian gal who came by who I know from previous gigs was my "shorty," and if I gave her a kiss on the way out. I told Catcher's Mit that it's not like that, but then they got asking if I did have a girlfriend. These two could not fathom that I'm faithfully in a long-distance relationship. I think Nice Lesbian has had some rough times because she urged me to just go ahead and have my fun because she'll probably hurt me. Catcher's Mit thought I should do the same, but for different reasons (he claims to have bedded 4 girls in that office alone).

Being one of the only white guys around, I naturally get compared to the other couple white guys. They asked if my girlfriend is good-looking and wanted to see a picture. Catcher's Mit told me that he saw White Guy #1's GF, and she was "ugly as hell" to the point where White Guy #1 made a face showing Catcher's Mit the picture that was as if to say, "Yeah. She looks like that." I asked what White Guy #2's lady friend looked like, to which Catcher's Mit said, "She's a bad muthafucka!" For those of you who don't know, that's good.

I sincerely did want to show them a picture, but as I cycled through my phone, none of them were appropriate. Either way, I'm sure Catcher's Mit would deem her an equally bad muthafucka. I know to me she's bad as hell.

Have I Offended Someone?

2011-12-11T18:31:00.000-08:00

I wrote a piece and submitted it to an online publication (you can read it here) and then I got this comment:

Sorry for being critical, but this piece is NOT good. It's kinda pointless...and if you've allowed THIS, then I sure as hell should be published here. How do I get my prose writing published here?

Then I got this one:

Shallow, seriously offensive and poorly written. I wouldn't post something so negative but this is so offensive.

So, I was pissed and posted a retaliation, but then deleted it because I don't need to defend myself. Screw those people, right? But I was still kind of pissed because I'm sensitive (read "thenthitive").

But then I got this awesome comment by someone named Diane:

Written from the point of view of a 34 yr old guy, noticing the women through the same window every time he wlks past, I find no offense in this at all. I caught the humour. I've had the hardest time reading ANYthing in the past year or so, 'cause nothing holds my interest (used to read 1-2 bks a week- all my life- just for reference), and this kept me reading. So definitely not poorly written. As far as shallow & pointless- do you need to have a "message" knock you upside the head every time you read something..(especially for just a short entertaining piece). The aside about his childhood friend & his little sister was a glimpse into the real life of some kids. WHAT are these people going to say to kids so desperate they're willing to live on the streets? I hardly find that pointless. Subtlety IS an art.

Well, the course of events got me into the offensive mood, so when we had a Man Night at my apartment with Southie, Chellie, Haircut and Dr. Ken something inflametory was bound to occur. We grilled up some steaks, drank a mess of beers, and for some reason collaborated on a highly misogynistic list: "Top 5 Fat Celebrity Women You'd Nail," but that wasn't a title polarizing enough for our tastes, so Southie entitled it, "Top 5 Cow's You'd Plow." Yes, it's really crude, but holy shit did we have some laughs looking up Google images to plead our cases.

Now, keep in mind the rationale behind some of these choices. Haircut is an accountant, so he devised a mathematical equation based on who we each picked for our own top 5's, and then we talked it out. Kirstie Allie, I'm told, gives rim jobs, so that was a plus. She also had a childhood crush factor, which really worked in Topenga's favor too. Monica Lewinksi has what I dubbed, a "famous mouth," which prompted Chellie to Tweet that immediately as well. I also said hail damage (cellulite) is a game changer, which also got tweeted shortly thereafter. Sorry, I know this shit is mean as hell, but anything goes on Man Night. Kelly Clarkson was pretty cute a few years back, but have you seen some candid shots? Holy hell did she ever blow up like the world trade! I was the only guy who had Delta Burke on my list. I was really lobbying for her, but after going through some images, she was just really 80's and yuckier than I remember. Other honorable mentions were Adele, Stiffler's Mom, Faith Evans, Pepa from Salt N' Pepa, Queen Latifah, and Ricki Lake. Chellie kept pointing out to me that "Fattie from 'Grey's'" has a name, but it's just way funnier to call her "Fatty from 'Grey's.'" Shit, I just though of Robin Quivers from "The Howard Stern Show." Always wanted to get on her for some reason.

When I was texting about this list with Big Business, he said that "big girls do sex better." That's a fact that a lot of people already know, but only the Incomparable Big Business could word it so perfectly.

Anyway.

Behold, the all mighty list written on the chalkboard in the kitchen in which we were drinking heavily.

2011-12-09T19:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes science fiction writers like Orwell, Bradburry, and Arthur C. Clarke blow me away with the stuff they predict with the worlds they create - advances in technology and trends in modern society that occur thirty years after they write a story.

I'm rereading "A Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley, and aside from the class systems, test tube babies, genetic engineering, pill popping, and other things he was dead on with, here is a passage predicting something I don't think many envisioned:

And around her waist she wore a silver-mounted green morocco-surrogate cartridge belt, bulging (for Lenina was not a freemartin) with the regulation supply of contraceptives.

Yup. He predicted that Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes and the rest of TLC would wear condom accessories as part of their wardrobe. Bravo, Aldous. That is probably something he threw in there to exaggerate for effect, but yup, modern society is that stupid.

"I Want a Man With a Slow Hand"

2011-12-07T16:44:00.000-08:00

I heard that goofy song in the shower today, and what's even stranger is that I had the option to switch the station before getting in. Washing yourself, especially "down there," is an all together different feeling when the Pointer Sisters are outlining how it is they like their love-making. Creepy. Glad no one saw me.

But it got me thinking what this song would be like in today's day, seeing as things in songs are said more obscenely, explicitly, and with crappier grammar. Given those three elements, and let's say it was sung by Rihanna, and I'd say the title to the song in this era would be . . .

"Don't Want No Finger Blaster."

7 Readers, I Ask You . . .

2011-12-06T14:38:00.000-08:00

. . . Have you ever seen or heard something so awful? It never occurred to anyone involved with this piece of crap that "ram it" might sound sexual? My favorite guy is the one who steps out of the locker.

Last Night We Played With the Breathalyzer Machine . . .

2011-12-03T09:20:00.000-08:00

. . . on the way out of the bar. Here are the results:

Oats: He had been drinking lots of Sam Addams because he had a good review at work. He was trying to take home a female companion, but all he took home were tacos. His score:
.11

Gelfling: She is a very tiny girl with big fake boobs, so it doesn't take a whole lot to get her lit up like a Christmas tree. Her score:
.10

Gung Ho: He loves a good piano bar and was knocking back mixed drinks of various colors and potency. His score:
.09 (To which he said: "So, I could take a piss and drive right now?)

Monique: She would have destroyed all of us because she was swaying around not unlike a guy in Mortal Kombat about to get a brutal fatality, but she did a disappearing act before we could get a score from her.

Shogun: I honestly don't remember his score, but he would have done pretty well. He's that guy that pops up behind you, dropping off more beers than there are people at your table.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater: Like Oats, I also had a good review at work that resulted in tenure that might be dealt away with anyway, but I really don't need an excuse to celebrate via way too many beers. Oats was feeding me lots and lots of Sammies. I recall dropping off 5 bucks to one of the piano guys to play "Go Cubs Go." My score:
A robust .11

Shogun's Wife: She always gets bombed to the point where she's like a little kid. A harmless lovable drunk. She was the night's winner at the breathalyzer showdown:
.14!

I always hear about people being "twice the legal limit," but none of us achieved that this evening. What are people thinking about getting into a car in that condition?

You Know How I Know I'm Old?

2011-12-02T16:20:00.000-08:00

I used to rub one out if I needed to take a nap.

Now I read.

Sorry. That's a weak post, but it was too racy for Facebook.

2011-11-30T20:39:00.000-08:00

So, I'm watching this thing about "Star Trek" on TV, and Nichelle Nichols who played Uhura, the Black officer on the original series, was saying how just when she was getting ready to leave the show to return to a career in musical theater, she met Martin Luther King who told her that "Star Trek" was the only show he allowed his kids to stay up to watch. He was shocked when she told him she was going to leave the show, and he urged her to stay, saying that she can't do that because "for the first time we are seen as we should be seen. You don't have a black role. You have an equal role."

Martin Luther King not only died in the name of civil rights, he kept Uhura on "Star Trek," and for that I'm thankful because she was fine as hell.

"Everybody underestimates the kick to the groin."

2011-11-28T21:01:00.000-08:00

I'm a big fan of Dutch mixed martial arts fighter, Bas "El Guapo" Rutten, not only because he's a legend in the ring but because he's funny and as hyper as Dr. Ken. If you haven't seen these barroom self-defense videos online, check them out. It's like he's just making this stuff up as he goes along. Ram a receipt holder stick thingy up a guy's rectum? Why not. Knock a guy out and poor hot sauce in his butt? Sure!

Anyone ever fight dirty or see someone do something to make El Guapo proud?

Mustache Envy

2011-11-27T10:15:00.001-08:00

Last night I was at the bar with a buddy I've been hanging out with so much that I think he needs a block nickname . . . We'll call him Oats.

So, Oats and I are drinking entirely too many light beers at the bar on a slow rainy night when suddenely about 12 dudes with mustaches come onto the scene and make the place instantly fun. The music was all 1980's stuff too because the DJ is a friend of mine and knows what's up, so seeing all these mustached dudes getting their groove on to the likes of Huey Lewis was amazing. I don't think I was the only one jealous of how much fun these guys were having based on the way everyone was transfixed on them, but I think I was one of the only ones stricken with a severe case of mustache envy.

You see, I can't grow very good facial hair. It's all splotchy and the space just below my nose inexplicably can grow zero hairs, like someone gave me electrolysis that I didn't know about. Perhaps the facial hair I was most envious of belonged to a fella who looked exactly like Keith Hernandez. I said to one of "Keith's" buddies, "Did you know your friend over there looks exactly like Keith Hernandez?" And he goes, "Keith Hernandez!" just like Newman on "Seinfeld," right on cue. This only deepened the envy. I wanted to be friends with these guys in the worst way.

2011-11-25T22:23:00.000-08:00

Sorry about that last awful post. I was still a little buzzed up and pissed when I wrote it in the middle of the night. I'm not sure why I put a link to a Kyuss song at the top of it because that really didn't have anything to do with anything.

I had one of those depressing hangovers from all that cheap white wine. So now I'm having a glass of red wine at midnight (a great hangover cure) and just watched a sad and sort of crappy movie called "Weakness" in which a high school teacher's mom dies, his girlfriend bangs the guy fixing his dead mom's roof*, he cares for his autistic little brother, then he starts nailing a former student, loses his job . . . Okay, so now you don't have to watch it. I only rented it because I like the actor, Bobby Cannavale.

It turns out I'm still angered by cheating. When this big Latin stud was laying pipe in this fictional guy's wife, I was just getting pissed as all hell. Next to anything bad ever happening to any of my nephews, which I'll give you a hint - that was the subject of the last post - cheating enrages me the most. Now this movie has me all scared that LSD is fooling around with some idiot from her high school reunion right now. I know she wouldn't do something like that, but nights like this can do weird things to an already weird guy's brain.

I don't know if I ever told any of you this, but I was married once. I'm also unsure if I ever told you that she and I had differing views on marriage: I thought it was a committed relationship when you go through the whole production of a wedding, and she thought she could screw a Chicago cop like 8 months into the thing. I now know that it was the best thing that ever happened to me, but at the time I was a wreck, losing weight, couldn't sleep - that whole bit. The last one breaking up with me also turned out to be a good thing. They were both the wrong type of chick for me. Heterosexual Life Partner (HLP) was talking to LSD and told her, "Wait, you're not a bitch." My good friend, Big Business, told me after the break up with this last one, "Dr. Ken, you need to get away from this brand of woman." Man, was he right, and I finally found the right brand. LSD is funny as hell, beautiful, kind, and loves the shit out of the good doctor. No more adversarial relationships. That shit gives me stomach aches. Shortens my lifespan.

Well, I don't really have a point to this post. It was just sort of a free writing exercise. Hope you are all well. Good night.

--------------------------------------------------------

*The worst part about that is not only did he shag his wife, but he f'd him again by not doing a good job fixing the roof - it still leaked.

2011-11-24T23:58:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_io1dSc2nvA&feature=related

So, I got this call during my Thanksgiving, and it was one of those calls where this asshole that I'm mad at is lucky I didn't have means of getting a hold of him because I was likely to kill him. Everyone who saw me thought I was nuts. I hate that feeling where you want to do something but can't.

Anyway, I don't want to get into specifics, but I drank it off for the most part, but I'm still pissed. Ugh! What a butthole, this guy!!!!!!

Thanksgiving Cleaning

2011-11-23T21:11:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I'm having a Thanksgiving feast here at the frat house apartment that I've been living in way too long. When you have a place like this, a lot of crap accumulates that no one is sure who's it is, and often times it's someones who lived here like 9 tenants ago. Today I was cleaning around the TV stand, and I threw out the following:

1. A boom box that still had an ex-roomy's "Quit Smoking Now" tape in it.

2. I nearly threw out a VCR, but I decided that someone could show up with the 1986 Super Bowl on VHS- and then who would be the wiser?

3. I also kept a VHS of "Boogie Nights," which I already have on DVD, but when it's your favorite movie, it just feels sacrilegious and a slap in the face to Jack Horner to throw it in the trash.

4. A bootleg DVD of "War of the Worlds" with Tom Cruise. A crystal clear version of that thing isn't even worth watching, so how in the hell did that thing make it 5 years lying there?

5. A "Holiday Classics" cassette tape, like you get at a gas station, still in the wrapper!

6. The paperwork insert to a Cardigans disc. While I'm pretty sure which ex roommate's this is, I don't think he'll miss it.

7. I don't have a witty ending to this list. I'm tired. I need to get some sleep. Lots of wine to drink and football to watch tomorrow.

Anyone Remember This One?

2011-11-23T05:16:00.001-08:00

"Thre Men and One Big 'Ol Slut"

2011-11-21T17:42:00.000-08:00

In the film "Three Men and a Baby," the Ted Danson character knocked up the mom of the baby who he and his grown-ass-man roommates would later raise as their own. Then in the really shitty sequel to an already not great movie, "Three Men and a Little Lady," the Tom Selleck character falls in love with the mom and no doubt gives her one of his famous mustache rides.

This leaves only Steve Guttenberg with no carnal knowledge of this chick. Now, if they made a third film where "The Gutes," as I call him, finally gets to tap that, it should be called:

"Three Men and a Big Ol' Slut"

"Three Roommates and a Gaping Vagina"

Or

"The Jewish One Finally Tapped That."

Any write-ins, Seven Readers?

The Best Thing to Say at Your Local Dilly Shop

2011-11-20T11:56:00.001-08:00

"Can you point me in the direction of your biggest, blackest, veiniest dildo?"

Zack Attack

2011-11-19T12:30:00.000-08:00

I blew dry my hair with a powerful Hilton Hotel blow dryer, not paying much attention to what I was doing due to still being half-drunk from all the box wine I drank at a wedding the night before, and now my hair looks very weird.

I couldn't put my finger on it, but I just told LSD that I look like God damn Zack Morris. Any minute now I'm going to break the fourth wall and start talking to the camera or perhaps into an over-sized prototype mobile phone.

Observe:

Dr. Kenneth Noise water

VS

Dr. Mark Paul Gosselaar

If You're From Chicago, You Might Be Familiar With "The Belmont Transfer."

2011-11-17T21:50:00.001-08:00

2.	Belmont Transfer	35 up, 6 down
	1. When a man moves from the front door of a lady having her period (red) to said lady's backdoor porch area (brown) and back again (purple). Based on Chicago's sexy and efficient train system. Similarly named moves are found in Boston and New York. 2. A long-form improv style characterized by moving quickly from one story arc to another and back again. See Chicago improv group "The Belmont Transfer." "Hey, you comin' to see the Belmont Transfer tonight perform at the Playground?" "Sorry bro, I'll be movin' from brown to red with Lacy all night long. It's our anniversary." buy belmont transfer mugs & shirts chicago improv brown red purple move long-form by Beezus Jeezus Apr 10, 2009 share this add a video
3.	Belmont Transfer	9 up, 5 down
	Slang term referring to the switch from vaginal to anal sex, assuming the female participant is 'on the rag.' The Belmont train station in Chicago, IL is where the Red Line meets the Brown Line. I earned my red wings with her, then she insisted we go anal, so I made the Belmont Transfer.

Bait Car

2011-11-15T21:29:00.001-08:00

Did you know there is a show called "Bait Car" on TrueTV in which a car is left unlocked in running in a different ghettos, and they see who will try to steal it? Then the cops in the van freeze the car up remotely so it can't run anymore and the robber is locked from the inside.

I just hope that they pull those cars up to trailer parks too so that people see that poor white people will steal too.

Check out this guy. He doesn't know that there was a camera in the car busting him crying, so he comes out of the car with his hardcore gangster vibe.

Rehearsals

2011-11-12T15:15:00.000-08:00

As you may know, I post some short stories on the blog from time to time, and I think this is my best. I'd like to know what you think, Seven Readers.

Rehearsals

The only thing that got me out of my California King this morning was the excitement of driving into the West Side to buy heroin. I’ve been out of the smack game for quite some time now, but I’m sure the protocol is roughly the same – just find a guy in a long white t-shirt standing around with no other conceivable purpose. I do a number of drugs, and they all serve their own purpose. Heroin seemed to have that life-ruining purpose years ago, but now I need it in a stop-caring-about-stuff capacity because it’s the first day to record the new inevitably shitty record for my band’s all important nobody cares about us anymore period. Some say that it’s not a good idea to start dabbling again with a drug with such chemically addictive capabilities, but I’m not the guy I was five years ago – I can control my shit, so I should be fine, and like I said, it’s the only way I’ll be able to just play and not care that I’m nothing more than the guitar player for another one of Alistair’s “artistic visions.”

When we started Lehmi County Airport, it was the most exciting time of my life – all of our lives. I can honestly say that the moment we knew we could make great songs together, even though we were living together in a dump in Logan Square, those were better times than when we got “the money.” When I met Alistair Radcliff, he was playing and singing a Syd Barrett song in a Potbelly, up in the scaffolding, or whatever, and it was like when you fall for a chick. He was captivating all those nimrods in the joint, waiting for their God damned sour dough, and I actually said out loud, “This motherfucker is going to make me rich.”

The drummer, Lester Clayton, was a black guy I had met a week or two earlier when he came by to install my cable. I had a beat up drum kit in the apartment, and when he was done, he asked if he could play for a second. I said, “Yeah, go nuts,” and he did. Holy crap. I got out my guitar, and we fucked around for hours, rolling doobs, playing, and things just clicked. I think he blew off the rest of his calls for the day, which was probably for the best because when that guy gets going on the pot, he’s incapacitated except for his playing, in which case he’s an animal, really pushing the guys he plays with to new heights.

Just thinking about those days makes me pumped to play, but not with these guys. For the last few years, after the success of “. . . And Sometimes Why,” it has really become like work. And the saddest part is that I don’t even see these guys in between tours and recording. Before “Sometimes,” we would get shit-assed drunk together every few nights, but now these guys have families. That’s really the problem, I think; Allistair has this whole new worldview and writes songs about his fucking kids. Don’t get me wrong, that stuff’s important, but nobody wants to hear songs about it. Tell me a good song about someone’s damn kid, besides “Isn’t She Lovely.” And Les isn’t much fun either these days. Yeah, he’s still banging lots of chicks, something I don’t think he’ll ever stop doing, but I just hate that he doesn’t care what we’re doing musically. An artist like that guy should give a shit, and I think he did at one time, but now he just goes along with whatever the fuck Allistair wants to do.

I’ve been trying to find other musical outlets ever since my role diminished in this band, and I’m pretty pleased with how the first album for my side project metal band, Bruticus, came out. Those guys are fun to play with, but lately it has dawned on me that I shouldn’t have to find other people to play with – I play with the perfect guys, and we’re in a pretty successful band, only I want them how they were before they got so fucking gay. And even more than missing the days when I loved the music we made, I miss hanging out with those guys. Allistair always invites me to his kids’ fricking Christenings or circumcisions, or whatever it is they’re doing, but I’m always too damned hung over to make an appearance, and even if I did, seeing the domesticated, watered-down version of such a talent would just depress the shit out of me.

So, yeah, it’s a perfect day for some good old heroin. Just enough to make me not care and to make the guitar sound better, and not so much where I’m just drooling all over it. Just enough where I don’t care that Allistair, a guy I loved like a brother and respected as far as musicians go more than just about anyone, is now kind of, and I hate to say this, a dork. And just enough where it doesn’t bother me that Les, a guy who at one time was more passionate than any of us about the band, now allows himself to be a tool and goes along with everything Al wants. Fuck it. Maybe so much God damned heroin to the point where I pass out and have an excuse not to record another awful record with those guys ever again.

2011-11-12T02:30:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm still a little drunk, and it's not easy to see clearly that which I'm typing, but I wanted to get some thoughts down on this stupid rag of a blog.

I was posting random crap on Facebook about Randy Rhoads because it's National Metal Day and I love dead rock stars, especially when they're virtuoso types who were so bored from not doing drugs that they got into a single engine plane with their bus driver's plane who they didn't know was a dumbass coke addict and crashed the plane into their tour bus.

Anyway, all the searching around youtubes eventually got me stumbling upon a bunch of Built To Spill clips, probably my favorite band, and that's something I often lose sight of. They're from Boise, Idaho, but holy crap just listen.

When I was horribly depressed around the time I stared this blog, I had a "Depressing as Hell" list, and there were a good number of BTS songs on there, and in fact, I think "Else" is still on the blog music player.

But, there is no song that makes me instantly want to cry more than "Carry the Zero." Jesus H. Christ, it's just so sad. There were nights where I just knew I needed to cry and I'd play this one to get it out there. Weird, right?

Okay, the computer is running out of power, so it's time to go to sleep. Treat yourself to something awesomely depressing and beautiful.

"Rick Reuschel, Sit on My Face"

2011-11-11T16:32:00.000-08:00

The title of this post is a shirt that my mom said she saw a woman wearing to a Wrigley Field when the hulking giant, Reuschel, was hurling fastballs for Chicago Cubs.

I did a search for "Rick Reuschel, sit on my face," and I'm afraid it yielded no results. I was half-hoping I'd stumble upon the woman's story who donned that shirt because you have to admit it's interesting. I mean, I can see her offering to sit on his face, but to want a big hairy sweaty athlete sitting on your own face . . .

And you got to remember, this was in the 70's or 80's, so her taking the time to print a shirt exhibiting such an uncouth message would have been highly unusual. Hell, I'd like to meet the woman today who had the cojones to put on such a thing.

Was this a woman who was into the arseholes of professional athletes or did she just find it funny?

Did she lose a bet of some kind?

If she had a significant other at the game with her, what did he think about all of this?

These are questions I need answered, Seven Readers. You have any thoughts to ease my mind, as this mystery and Reuschel's big, hairy anus has been haunting me for decades.

Trench

2011-11-09T21:25:00.000-08:00

My good buddy, Big Business, referred to a woman's (ahem!) as a "trench." For some reason I thought that was the funniest thing ever because it's just about the least appealing word ever.

So the other day I'm mad at some woman, and in my head I'm cursing her out, and I called her a trench. Yes! A trench!

What I like about this new term is that it hasn't broken on the scene yet, so I think you can still use it on network television all day.

Example:

Doctor: I'm afraid her condition has worsened. We're going to have to operate on her trench.

What do you think, Seven Readers?

More Lessons from The Hood: Wet and Soul Train

2011-11-08T15:01:00.000-08:00

As some of you may know, Tuesday is when I work in Chicago's West Side, and I always come away with a funny story or a bit of knowledge; Today I got both.

1. A student asked me if I was dry. I had no idea what he meant by this, and other students informed me that to be dry meant to "not be getting any from any females." So, if your skin is dry, that means you're ashy, and if you couldn't get laid in a morgue, you are dry as hell. Make sense? I didn't tell them that I only get "wet" once a month when I see my out-of-town girlfriend. It didn't seem like something those boys needed to know.

2. Mr. Green, the principal at the school for bad kids, said that one teacher was sending so many kids out of his class and down to the office that it was like the "Soul Train" line of dancers down the hallway. I asked him if he felt like Don Cornelius up in there. Actually, Don Cornelius is a product of Chicago Public Schools. No lie.

3. One girl told me that she doesn't like the drama created from hanging out with girls. So, she said "That's why I like to be hangin' out with niggas." By that she meant males. Something was just funny about her saying that to just about the whitest guy in America.

Me and Del Were Playing "Little Runaway."

2011-11-06T18:26:00.000-08:00

Every time I walk to and from the gym, I pass the runaway hotline place, and I can see all the women manning the phones but mostly surfing the net, filing their nails, and bullshitting with one another. After all, who really calls that place? Are the types of kids who run away likely to know such a hotline exists, and if so, are they really going to want to call someone who is there to to talk people into going back home to their shitheel parents?

What's strange is that there is always at least one hot chick in there. If I were a single guy, I might be inclined to go in there with a backpack or maybe a napsack slung over a pole over my shoulder, act all frantic and ready to run away. They might look at me a little funny, seeing as I'm 34-years-old, but I bet they're so hard up for calls that they'd take me seriously. Then they would get all emotional, and there would be a big sex festival for all passerby's to see. It would be awesome . . .

I think I ran away a couple times as a kid, for no reason, really, because I had a great family - still do. I would just go off into the forest behind my house with a bag of chips in case I got hungry. I'd only be there a couple of hours and just go home. Probably when I ran out of chips. But I had a neighbor who once spent the night in a fort that we built out there because he got in a "fight" with his dad. He was kind of like the John Bender from "Breakfast Club" of our block. In fact, I think he still holds the number of detentions record at the local junior high. I wonder what he's doing these days? I should look him up on Facebook. He had a nerdy little sister who sent my other buddy on the block a very naughty letter when they were adults saying all the dirty things he wanted to do to him when they were kids, but I think he was already married when she sent it.

Where was I going with this . . .

Ah, yes. Running away. Don't run away, kids. If you do, give the hotline a call, and if I'm not there sexing all of them, I'm sure they'll give you the sage-like advice you'll need to go back to those shitheel parents of yours.

PS: The second picture has nothing to do with anything, you may notice. I did a search for "forest forts," and that's what came up. That looks like a very romantic way to spend an evening with a special lady friend, or a terrific way to burn your house down. Either way . . .

I Want To Freeze Time . . .

2011-11-02T21:06:00.000-07:00

. . . so that I can catch up on things, but if I did that, would I age during the frozen time? Would I end up abusing it to the point where I would age 20 years during a span of time that would only be 5 years to everyone else?

There's just never enough time to get everything done. But when I was high school, all I wanted to do was fast forward until it was over with, and I didn't care about getting anything done.

Well, if I got freezing power, I swear I wouldn't use it to do silly stuff like change two people's hats around, like a punk kid's baseball cap from one guy and swap it with an old Black lady's big church hat. Okay, I can't promise I wouldn't do stuff like that. I'd make a lousy super hero. If I were Freeze Time Guy, and I was in The Justice League, they'd always be looking for me to help thwart the plans of Dr. Doom, or whoever, and I'd be out a-hat-swapping.

Point being, Dr. Kenneth has too much crap going on this week and needs a little R & R if he can't get the superpowers. Yet.

Caption Contest: Day After Halloween Special

2011-11-01T19:04:00.000-07:00

I couldn't think of anything to post today, and then I saw this terrific picture that is just begging and pleading for captions. The only problem is that these are real kids that I found on Facebook, and I'm using the pic without permission.

So, don't go looking for these kids and do anything nutty . . . because that will disqualify you from the caption contest.

Samoans, Do the Humpty Hump

2011-10-31T20:49:00.000-07:00

A friend-of-a-friend got mugged by three guys a block away from my house fairly early in the evening on a weeknight, which really worried me. I was telling LSD, my girlfriend, and she asked if he was able to identify them. I told her that they were Samoans, but I was just kidding. But, would if they were? I imagine you could outrun some Samoan gentlemen, given their size . . .

LSD then told me that Tongans are also big people, and she's right because I looked it up and 90% of Tongan people are overweight. They share the distinction of the highest overweight and obese population with the neighboring Nauru.

So, if your would-be muggers are a Samoan, a Tongan, and a Nauruan, the best course of action would be to run, feed them, or spark up an argument between them about Tonga's Constitutional Monarchy.

Cheers!

2011-10-30T19:48:00.000-07:00

I was driving with my lovely girlfriend, LSD, and the "Cheers" theme came on my iPod. We were both very much caught off guard by the lyric at around 1:20 where he says "and your husband wants to be a girl."

It was a wise move to not use that verse for the show because it could really throw off the viewers, seeing as transvestites and/or transsexuals didn't play a significant role in the story lines of "Cheers;" at least not in any of the episodes I have ever seen.

Also, I think it's funny to sing it like this: "You wanna' go where everyone knows you're gay." That would be a killer sing-a-long at a gay bar, don't you think? "And they're always glad you came" is a lyric that kind of works for that version too . . .

Tank Diesel

2011-10-29T19:02:00.000-07:00

I was at a wedding this weekend in this beautiful mansion, and I got wonderfully intoxicated. At one point I was talking to a fun couple, and the guy said that he was trying to talk his wife into naming their son, Tank Diesel. I was such a fan of this name, that we were calling each other by that name all night.

As I was giving the girlfriend, LSD, a piggy-back ride on the way out of the party, I could hear a voice behind me yelling, "Yeah! Take her home, Tank Diesel!"

The Next Podcast Right Here on the Gancer

2011-10-26T21:12:00.000-07:00

I saw my good buddy, Crom, tonight, and it's really the first time I talked to him at length since he got a girlfriend. He had been living alone out in the suburbs for a long time, and he'd joke around that his apartment was nothing but stacked up empty pizza boxes and sex robots.

Now his ladyfriend is over all weekend every weekend, and he's banging away like a son of a gun and happier than I've ever seen him.

This got Crom and I thinking about our next podcast. How about the top 10 loneliest moments of singlehood. Look for this to hit the world wide web for 10's of people on this blog very soon.

I Have Nothing To Blog About . . .

2011-10-24T19:36:00.000-07:00

. . . so here's a clip of Black Sabbath during the Ozzy years. I just read Ozzy's autobiography, "I Am Ozzy," which made me laugh out loud more than anything I've ever read. I was intermittently setting it down and rolling around my bed laughing, whether it was a story about blowing away chickens with his shotgun or shagging three groupies in one night, each of them coming in to do him and then just "fucking off."

People who only know him as the bumbling old guy shuffling around his mansion stuttering and mumbling to himself on the reality show need to know that the guy was a rock god and a member of one of the most influential rock bands in history, considering Black Sabbath basically invented heavy metal music. Tell me this performance isn't killer . . . .

And even if you don't think so, read the book anyway because it's funnier than hell.

Great Weekend, But I Have One Regret

2011-10-23T18:44:00.000-07:00

Until this weekend, I had never been to a wedding with coolers of beer with stickers on top saying which beers were in each one, and you could just reach in and grab them yourself. I'm telling you this because it led to HLP (Heterosexual Life Patner) and myself lining up the tops of them on our table in an attempt to drink every different type of beer, which led to horrible, horrible drunkenness on my part.

Back in our cottage with other guests, while in varying stages of blacking out watching the World Series, I threw a stuffed goose for this great dog that was along for the wedding, she jumped over a couch to get it, knocking red wine all over some poor guy's suit. I don't remember much of this, but apparently I thought this was hilarious and I never so much as apologized.

Now, I know this was stupid on my part, but when there's a stuffed goose and a terrific dog in the room with me, I'm not NOT going to throw the stuffed goose for the terrific dog. Right?

No, it was dumb, and I need to get my boozing under control . . .

A Good Dirty Movie Title

2011-10-20T18:34:00.000-07:00

My roommate was watching "Grey's Anatomy," and I was watching for a moment waiting for "The League" to come on. To make good use of my time watching a crap television show, I tried to come up with a porno title for the show, considering the show is written about as well as a porno with just as many senseless sexual encounters, including lesbian action. Here's what I came up with:

"Grey's Downstairs Anatomy"

What do you think? Got any better ones?

Rules for Long Distance Relationships

2011-10-18T19:11:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend, LSD, and I came up with some simple rules to long distance dating, and maybe they can help you too.

1. You can't sleep with other people.

2. Well, you can, but only if they're celebrities.

3. But they have to be major celebrities on a list submitted to one another, since LSD has already rubbed elbows with a few stars, making just any celebrity a possibility.

4. Come to think of it, Dr. Ken gets to have twice as many celebrities on his list since he lives nowhere near L.A.

5. No sex with animals either.

6. Unless they're really famous animals. For instance, one of the dogs from the "Kardasians" wouldn't count, but the president's dog is fair game or Bubbles, Michael Jackson's chimp, since, being the king of pop, Michael's chimp is royalty.

7. No peeing on dogs or chimps. That's just too weird.

So long as we follow these simple rules, I think we'll make it.

Very Superstitious Plumbers

2011-10-17T18:53:00.000-07:00

I have this friend, I'm going to call him Plumber, and every time he comes out to the bars with me, he gets lucky with the ladies. He's a good looking guy, but I think when I'm out with him I force him to be more social because he can be shy. I'm fearless out there because I have a girlfriend, so what the hell do I care, right?

So, he had gone home with girls 2 straight times when he went out with me going into Saturday's outing. We were having a burger cook off at my place, and then the second we stepped out into the alley to go to the bars, the neighbor girls, who I don't even know, hollered at us to come join them on their garage deck. I thought it was unsafe move on their part, but luckily for them, Plumber and I are not rapists. We mingled with them for a while, one seemed interested in Plumber, he got her number, and she's been blowing him up ever since.

Then at the karaoke spot, we met a number of women. One had a tight dress that looked like tin foil, like a baked potato, but she wasn't very cool. Then another girl thought I was an MMA fighter, I think because she has seen me in the bar with my friend, Gung Ho who trains. I was too drunk to be clever enough to lie. Then there was a pair of girls we were chatting up, and while I ran interference on the not pretty one, at some point Plumber had a barroom make out deal with the pretty one. Boom!

You ever get superstitious about things when you were single?

I know there were certain shirts I was convinced were vagina deterrents, and I'd never wear them out. Some bars I would go to I would see friends having success, but I'd be like a damn leper in the joint. Then other shirts and other bars would be really consistent for me.

Anyone have anything along these lines they'd like to share?

Her Birthday Session

2011-10-13T20:15:00.000-07:00

Sara: It's my birthday.

Doctor Fauser: Happy birthday! We're almost done with the session. I'm curious why you didn't mention this before?

S: Probably because I don't like thinking about what a shitty birthday this is.

DF: Yes? And why is that?

S: Well, let's see. The first thing I did when I woke up was cry. Birthdays totally suck, especially because it commemorates the day I was born.

DF: And why is that so bad.

S: Because I wish I was never born.

DF: What do you mean by that?

S: Don't worry. I don't want to kill myself. It's just . . . Life really sucks sometimes. And it's 6:00, and still no one has said happy birthday to me, besides you, but you're my analyst so that doesn't count.

DF: People didn't even say happy birthday on Facebook?

S: (Laughs)

DF: What's so funny?

S: I just don't picture you on Facebook. With pictures tagged of you drinking out of funnels. In one of your nice suits.

DF: Don't look for me on there. You will find no such pictures. I never drink like that with a good suit on.

S: (Laughs again)

DF: But surely someone said happy birthday on Facebook?

S: Yes, but that doesn't count. Nobody cares enough to go beyond that, and those people are hardly friends anyways. And, did you know that I told my friend that this is exactly how my birthday would go? That I'd wake up and cry and no one would give a shit that it's my birthday?

DF: That's what we call a self-fulfill . . .

S: (cutting him off) Self-fulfilling prophecy, I know.

DF: I'm impressed. Do you think you do that often?

S: What's that?

DF: Set the stage for your own disappointment and eventual sadness?

S: Maybe. Probably. What do you think?

DF: I think that's something we'll have to explore next week. Our time is up.

S: Okay. Thanks. See you again next week.

As Sara and Doctor Fauser stand up, she checks her phone.

DF: I'm willing to bet you missed some calls. Or texts?

S: Yeah. A few, actually.

DF: You see!

S: Yeah. See you next week.

Sara smiles, turns away and opens the door.

DF: Yes you will. Oh, and Sara?

S: Yes?

DF: I'm glad you were born.

Long Distance Runner and Long Distance Relationshiper

2011-10-11T20:13:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I was intent on running from my house to Navy Pier (in Chicago), and it's not enough to just say I'm going to the Pier because I didn't want to leave it vague so that I'd turn around early. So, instead, I said I had to pat the head of one of the statues in there, preferably an R2D2 mailbox, which was no longer there, so I had to opt for a statue of some kids playing "ring around the rosie." I did okay on that run (10 miles or so), but it took me 4 and 1/2 hours to run the marathon and my dad did his in like 3:07 at my age. It took me an hour and a half longer. My dad could have finished his race, popped in "Zombie Land" and watched the whole thing in a Lazy Boy, waiting for me to finish. That is, if time and space allowed such a scenario for our 34-year-old selves to race one another and there were big chairs and televisions at the finish . . .

Later that night, I ordered in sushi by myself and watched a movie, also by myself. It was kind of lonely night for me in a big empty house, missing my girlfriend who is living in L.A. In fact, when the character in the movie, "Zombie Land," as a matter of fact, says how he loves to brush a woman's hair behind her ear, I got insanely jealous; I love that move. Yes, I was jealous of a fictional character merely because he got to touch another fictional person's hair and ear.

So, that's me: A long distance runner and a long distance relationshiper, and I'm finding that I'm not too good at either one. And they're both equally painful.

My FIrst Marathon Highlights.

2011-10-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

1. My playlist was killer. Just before the race was going to start, I hit play and heard "The Final Countdown" by Europe. I also entitled the playlist, "Chicago Marathon. You Can Do It," so the little voice in my headphones told me that when I selected that playlist. Sometimes I name lists with swears just to make the guy say them. Anyway, the race took me a little longer than I thought so I had to skip through to a couple songs to hear them twice. Songs heard twice: "Back That Ass Up," "Train in Vain," and "Just Like Heaven" to name a few. Major props to Kyuss for having two full albums on my list. I recommend them to anyone who works out or beats people up.

2. The signs people had were great. I saw one that said "Worst Parade Ever," which I thought was hilarious until I saw two more. However, the third one had the pic of the comic book store guy from "The Simpsons," which was a nice touch. Another said "Don't poop" (in big letters) and then "out" in small letters. Another said, "While you're out, can you pick up some bread and milk? We're all out." Turns out it was a friend of a friend with that sign. Another said "Run, total stranger!" These signs made me laugh, which is huge when you're running. Other signs were inspiring, if even just for 5 seconds.

3. People give you cheers and high fives as well, and it's even better if you have your name on your shirt so they say, "All right, Dr. Ken!" High fives from little kids kept me smiling. One lady had a sign that said "free hugs," and I really considered it. Another guy had a sign that said "free beer for runners," and he was giving out tiny cans of beer. I saw one lady with a sign that said "shortcut to free beer" with an arrow pointing the way everyone was running anyway. I only got a quarter through my free beer at the end of the race. It tasted amazing (Goose Island's 312, a great Chicago beer), but it just wouldn't go down.

4. I had plenty of beer after getting home and taking a nap. The last bar we stopped at had a drunk sweaty Black guy doing Thai Chi for the whole bar, for some reason. He was quite pleased with himself, but I was more impressed with the sweat coverage on his shit, which was thicker than anyone in the race that afternoon.

5. I was running a couple miles with a friend of mine until she stopped to pee at a point I didn't have to, and as we were approaching the gay neighborhood of Chicago, Boys Town, where there were male cheerleaders and all sorts of fun stuff, I said to her, "I can feel the gayness." And she said, "What? You can smell the anus?" I laughed and said, "No, that's not what I said, but I wish I had because it's fricking hilarious . . ."

6. On a serious note, I wore a ribbon with my buddy Gung Ho's mother's name who just died of cancer. I had it on my back, so I would periodically check it it was still there through out the race. She made it the whole way!

7. Was I in pain? Yes. At one point people were handing out Ben Gay type stuff in packets, and I damn near squirted in my mouth before I heard someone yell, "No! Don't eat it!" Wait, it gets dumber. After putting it in my hand, I rubbed it all over my knees and took a pee, touching my wang with the stuff. I'm not going to say it hurt, but it did just feel super weird, and it was all I could think about for a whole mile.

Stream of Ganciness

2011-10-06T20:17:00.001-07:00

On today's run, I was thinking these sort of rambling thoughts:

That Dylan McDermott is an asshole because he was mostly naked like 10% of that ghost show and in much better shape than me despite being older than me, and he made me go for a run and do pull-ups and sit-ups. Then again, I'm glad I'm running now because I had that beef sandwich earlier. Which I'm burping up. Shouldn't have gotten the hot peppers.

I know I don't listen to enough new music, but they just don't make albums like "OK Computer" anymore. Hell, Radiohead makes really good music these days, but even they don't make anything anywhere near as good as this nowadays. It's kind of like sports where you can't possibly make your best work past a certain age, that is without performance enhancing drugs. Roger Clemens threw harder at 40 than he did when he was 20. There is no equivalent to that in rock. If Roger Clemens had a rock band, maybe called "Rocket," even if they were good at some point, the stuff he put out in his 40's wouldn't be nearly as good. Sure, you can make quality music in late adulthood, but it just won't have that power, angst, edge, evilness, and sexiness that it did in your youth when you were young and crazy.

Hold that note, Radiohead, I gotta hit pause and hear what this saxophone guy sounds like in this tunnel. Hmmmm. Sounds like he's just tuning up or something. And it smells like piss. I know these guys probably get better acoustics in these tunnels, but why don't they just play in the open air? How can they stand that piss stench? Maybe the stink makes them blow a little hint of the blues into their horn . . .

The best song by the oldest possible guy was "Harvest Moon" by Neil Young. I'll have to look up how old he was when he recorded that one when I get home. Maybe blog about it. Eh, who am I kidding; there's no topic in that.

We Had Nothing Else of Better To Do at the Bar the Other Night . . .

2011-10-05T21:27:00.000-07:00

. . . so SO@24, a guy I never met but knew from blogging and IM'ing, and myself recreated the image of the Hall and Oats classic album cover from 1982, "H2O."

It required getting very close to one another and staring extremly gayly into one another's eyes.

Here's the original:

After taking our own picture, seen below, my girlfriend, the lovely and talented Miss LSD, photoshopped it to look as red and stupid as the original. I got the blond hair, he's got the black. Sure, he's half Asian and has no mustache, but it's pretty damn impressive. And gay . . .

It's amazing how he and I and Chardsy, a gal who we had long IM conversations with like 3 years ago, hit it off so well in person and spontaneously did stupid crap like this. This sort of weird stuff keeps me laughing and happy.

I Don't Wanna . . .

2011-10-04T18:22:00.000-07:00

. . . run this stupid marathon on Sunday

. . . wait another month to see my G.F.

. . . spend a bunch of money on 3 weddings in 2 months.

. . . go to a Halloween party without a great costume. I've had some good ones, so there's some pressure, but I have NO IDEA what to be.

Have You Ever Had a Fart That Sounds Like a Chewbacca Howl?

2011-10-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

I had one of those walking through a nearly empty airport tonight, and it got me wondering if wookies do, in fact, fart, and if so, how bad would wookie flatulence smell?

To Live and Die and Do Stuff in L.A.

2011-09-29T18:17:00.000-07:00

These are things I plan on doing in California this weekend:

1. Have sweet, sweet monthly sex with my long-distance girlfriend.

2. Get up early and go for a run along the beach for some last minute training before next week's Chicago Marathon.

3. Go to some sort of museum with the GF. Museums are kind of suck-ass, but when you're with someone fun, they're as fun as anything else.

4. Meet long time blog friends in person for the first time, Laughing Through My Chardonnay and SO@24. A few years back we would have hilarious IM conversations dubbed Eifel Tower Sessions that would either turn into deep probing therapeutic talks or completely off-the-wall disgusting revelations, both of which were equally rewarding. So, it will be good to have a happy hour with them and create "Eiffel Live."

5. Perhaps see one of my oldest friends who has been living there quite some time, and he has a birthday on Saturday. He's been playing in bands for years, and he may even play a show for his b-day, which would be great fun.

6. Go to In-N-Out Burger

7. Then a couple more rounds of the old monthly in-out-in-out with the lady.

8. Fly home Sunday and go back to my cold and lonely life back in Chicago, back to work with very little sleep.

Today's Funny Hood Story, Sept 27, 2011

2011-09-27T21:20:00.000-07:00

Every Tuesday I work on the West Side of Chicago where I'm the only white guy for blocks and blocks . . .

Today, my boss in those parts, Mr. Green, wanted to get the attention of a big and ugly kid and said, "Hey, Big Ugly!" What's funny is that Big Ugly walked right over without being the least bit offended that he had just been called big and ugly.

Then Mr. Green started asking him if he played football because of his size, and I said, "Yeah, look at the hands on that fella!" His hands were maybe the biggest things I've ever seen and could have probably held two footballs each with room to spare.

Big Ugly could be very "handy" on The Chicago Bears offensive line this season, and it would be the best nickname since the last time we were really good and "The Fridge" played on the team.

Stop Complaining About Getting Laid Like Crazy, Rivers.

2011-09-25T21:37:00.001-07:00

When I was running tonight, Rivers Cuomo from Weezer was singing to me about how tired he is of having sex. Now, I know the point of the song is that he was having meaningless sex with random women and wanted to be in love, but all I could hear is a guy whining about too much sex - and here I am without sex for a month.

My girfriend is in California, and when she was living in Chicago with me, we were hitting it all the time. Now I'm missing her so badly, and I don't think I've missed more than 2 or 3 days of wanking since she left. Seriously, I'm so tired of internet women. I hate these two dimensional, giant breasted women saying filthy things to me while they pretend to like baby batter sprayed in their stupid faces. It's weird, but I really do hate these random internet chicks. I just envision them being loaded up on cocaine and VD, doing it in front of a room full of dudes holding microphones and stuff. What's wrong with those phillies?

I just miss my girlfriend, and not just the sex. I miss her. Yeah, we video chat, but it's just so hard because she's right there . . . but she's not. No, we're not doing any cyber sex. If it happens, it happens, but right now it's just good to see her face every few nights, especially the funny expressions she makes with that face when she tells a goofy story or reacts to something gross and/or off putting that I say.

So, anyway, Rivers, don't talk about how sick of boning you are because I'm hornier than a jack rabbit over here. I'll see her when I fly out to Cali on Friday, and I can't wait! No wanking until Friday. Yeah, I had 3 today, but none for the next five days . . .
----------------
PS: If you're my mom or my sister and you're reading this post, I'm sorry.

You're Entitled To Your Opinion; Your Wrong Opinion

2011-09-22T19:28:00.001-07:00

I was just listening to a very funny podcast with Adam Carola and Artie Lange, and Adam was saying how people claim that how funny something is is a matter of opinion, so they can claim "Murphy Brown" was funnier than heyday Simpsons," but they're wrong. He goes on to say that if people can be so called experts on subjective topics such as wine or art, then why can't he be an expert on comedy?

Wow.

I was so glad someone said this because it's always something I've felt, but I've never been able to frame it quite this well. I knew a chick once who said that she never liked "Seinfeld" and she thought "Friends" was funnier. This was before I was dating her, so I was just trying to tell her that she was flat-out wrong. Then we slept together, and somehow I forgot how someone with such atrocious and idiotic tastes could possibly be right for me. In any event, you just want to say to people like that, "No, you're wrong."

Music is the same way. If someone tries to tell me that 3 Doors Down is a better band than Pink Floyd, I'd just say, "Okay, you're welcome to your opinion, but your opinion spells it out very clearly to me that you are a cultural invalid."

Now, music and comedy are things that I think I know enough about, but films are a little different. I know "Boogie Nights" is a much better movie than . . . let's just say any of those crappy Robin Williams movies. That's fact, but if someone said that "Citizen Cane" is better than "3 Amigos," I would like to say that "3 Amigos" is better because I'd much rather watch it, but I'd be pretty sure that I was wrong. I just don't get "Citizen Cane," but I trust the experts when they tell me how good it is. Still, when El Guapo gets that sweater from his band of marauding banditos, it's just funny as hell. I mean, why would he need a sweater in the desert? "It's a sweater!!"

Okay, anyone want to agree, disagree, or hate me for life for any of this?

I Have No Topic Tonight . . .

2011-09-19T19:46:00.001-07:00

. . . so let's just see if there are Wikipedia pages for the first 5 weird and/or disgusting things I can think of:

1. Fear Boner: If you watch "The League," you know that this is when you're so scared that you get an involuntary erection. It didn't make it onto Wikipedia. Yet.

2. Herve Villechaize: Yes the midget from TV's "Fantasy Island" has a page, and here are some fun facts: He insisted on being called a midget rather than a "little person." He was difficult on the set, propositioning the women, arguing with the producers, and when he demanded a salary on par with Ricardo Montalban, he was fired. According to his butler, Herve never got over losing his job on the show, and he spent a good deal of time drinking in a dark room while watching episodes of "Fantasy Island" and cursing at the television. That's actually kind of how Dr. Ken spends his evenings . . .

3. Slump Buster: Believe it or not, when you look this up, "Hogging" comes up and is described as "the practice of groups of men who target overweight or obese women, typically for sexual encounters." This is also called "big game hunting," a term I'm actually not familiar with.

4. Ron Bykowski: He was the token white guy in George Clinton's Parliament/Funkadelic, and despite playing on a bunch of classic records, he does not have a Wikipedia page. This is kind of messed up because all the other obscure names I could think of who came in and out of the band over the years had a page dedicated to them. I know one record I have lists him as the "token white devil," which is nothing short of outstanding. I'm a big fan of Funkadelic, as evidenced by the picture of George stepping out of the Mothershp, which you can see has been my profile picture on this rag since day one. This has led some readers to think I'm Black, but in actuality, I'm more like the Ron Bykowski of the group.

5. Zubaz (pronounced Zoo-Baz). Yeah, there is a page for these awful, awful pants. I learned this: "In a 1993 survey in Inside Sports magazine, Zubaz finished third in the voting for Worst Thing to Happen in Sports that year." Also, "They hoped to make a short that would stretch and expand with the body during a workout." I was surprised to read that company went bankrupt because it's quite a debonair look.

So, what have we learned? Well, "The League" has yet to be given credit for the terms it has created, some midgets are okay with the term midget, every once in a while something that is more of an "urban dictionary" type of thing sneaks onto Wikipedia, you have to do a little more in your career than be a token guy of a different race than your group to get a page of your own, and Zubaz are just as ugly a look as I remember.

So, Last Night . . .

2011-09-17T19:34:00.000-07:00

. . . I was at a party with Beatnik and Gung Ho and some other folks, and things got really out of hand: We were all totally shit-assed.

As we were leaving, I just remember someone pointing out that the exit sign in the hallway was smashed and dangling off the wall. I don't remember hearing it get punched or whatever, and I have no idea which of us did it. The girl who lives there came out into the hallway and was pissed, rightfully so.

What's incredible is that I talked with both Gung Ho and Beatnik today, and nobody is sure who did it.

It was truly a mystery. A drunken, stupid mystery.
------------------------------------
This is one of those posts that is so dumb and pointless that I centered the text to make it seem somehow more important.

Drunk Quiz Thursday

2011-09-15T20:15:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to post every day, and today I'm topically bankrupt, so I found a site called blogthings.com, and look at all these great drinking topics:

What Mixed Drink Are You?
What Kind of Drunk Are You?
What Flavor Martini Are You?
What Flavor Margarita Are You?
What Alcoholic Drink Are You?
What's Your Beer Personality?
What Should You Be Drinking?
What Kind of Wine Are You?
Are You a Party Girl?
Are You a Drunk Diva or a Crunk Chick?
What Cuban Cocktail Are You Quiz?
What Hangover Cure Are You?
Are You Beer or Wine?
What Type of Beer Are You?
The Cocktail Test
The Martini Test
What Color Martini Are You?
What's Your Celebration Drink?
The Fancy Cocktail Test

I think we'll go with "What Kind of Drunk Are You," even if the one about "Drunk Diva or a Crunk Chick" is intriguing.

Who are you most likely to drunk dial?

Everyone you can think of
Your best friend
No one - you'll be too drunk to dial
Your ex
Random people, probably strangers
Your sponsor

How come your current girl isn't a choice? I guess I'll go with the best friend.

If you were going to get arrested while drinking, it would be for:

Attempting suicide
Talking back to a cop
Fighting
DUI
Indecent exposure
Drunk in public

I will say "drunk in public." I just don't get people who talk back to cops. I see it all the time, but when the cops come it's time to, as Gancey's Sister says, go to shut-up school.

Where do you do most of your drinking?

In public, with a brown paper bag
During pub crawls
At home
Dive bars
At parties
In your car

I gotta say "at bars" for this one. I hate staying in on weekends, but I also hate spending hundreds of dollars at stupid bars. I actually have to find projects to do to keep me out of bars. Saturday I know I'll take it easy because I have a 20 mile run, volleyball tournament, and Gung Ho's mom's wake the next day, but Friday I need a really good reason not to spend pointless money at bars. Help me out guys . . .

When you drink, you also like to:

Dance
Perform
Drink more
Cry
Sleep
Fight

I'm going to say perform because of all the damn karaoke I've been doing, but "drink more" is also a good choice. "Cry" is a funny option . . .

Finally, what's your poison?

Something warm
Wine
Nail polish remover
Rum
Tequila
Beer

For sure beer on this one. Sometimes I do wine during the week but just a glass or too. Hard liquor gets away from me in a hurry, and I'm way too old for more than one shot in a night.

Anyone else want to answer a question or two in the comments?

Parade-Shitters

2011-09-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

All the time you hear people say, "Don't rain on my parade," but as my girlfriend, LSD, points out, who really likes parades, anyway? I think it's widely agreed upon that fireworks, whether done professionally or shot off very unprofessionally with no shirt or shoes and a beer in your hand, are way cooler than any stinking parade. So, don't rain on my fireworks? It doesn't quite work, does it?

LSD and I were saying how parade rainers, or as I call them, parade-shitters, can really bring you down. I'm sure you know the type: They're critical of everyone, they get annoyed when others have fun, they complain about everything, they're control freaks . . . any combination of these or any one of these to an excess would qualify as a bonafide parade shitter. Essentially, it's the person you envision when you listen to Bob Dylan sing "Positively Fourth Street," specifically the part about what a drag it is to see him/her (probably her).

So, here at The Gancer, to update this phrase, and to tie it in with the whole shit thing, here is what we shall use henceforth:

"Don't shit in my picnic basket."

You can just see it, right? Some jerk just opens up one end of your wicker basket packed with goodies and just craps all up in there, ruining everyone's afternoon with no regard for anyone but himself. That's just what the picnic-shitter does. He shit in picnic baskets.

What do you think, Seven Readers? Would you like to contribute a phrase of your own in the comments?

Yet Some More Gancey Updates

2011-09-12T20:02:00.000-07:00

1. I have interns for the first time of my life, and it's a lot of fun but sort of more work, at least at first. In the long run, they're going to help me with the insane workload, but right now I have to run all over the place and keep checking back in with them to give them stuff to do. You know what I have noticed that is funny? When I drop some bomb-ass knowledge, or just say anything, even goofy stuff, they write it down. What a power trip! I hope they don't share these notes during their college courses or their professor will think they've signed up for Kramerica.

2. LSD, the girlfriend, will have been gone to L.A. a week tomorrow. You know what's annoying is when haters are blatantly negative about us trying this. Yeah, I have made some piss-poor choices with women, but now I'm a grown-ass man, and I know for a fact that I'm doing the right thing. Believe it or not, this was a conversation I had with someone today at work.

Dr. Ken: So I was thinking of taking that Friday off since I'll be going to L.A. and there will be nothing going on here that day.

Coworker: Yeah? Why are you going there.

Dr. Ken: My girlfriend lives there.

Coworker: That's what you're doing now? Dating a girl living in California?

Dr. Ken: Yup.

Coworker: Why?

Dr. Ken: Because she's my shit.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

That just says it all. In fact, I could hear that at a wedding.

Priest/Minister/or Whoever: Do you take LSD to be your lawful wedded wife?

Dr. Ken: Yeah! Duh! She's my shit!

I'm Tired, and This Is a School Night . . .

2011-09-08T21:21:00.001-07:00

. . . so this is going to be brief and full of typos. I got all of my work stuff done tonight, had a half-assed workout, and settled in for the first game of the NFL season with some really crappy wine that tasted like ass vinegar. Let's say you drank wine out of someones butthole, but all you had to chase it with was vinegar - that's what this tasted like. It gave me a mild buzz, but it made up with it by sinking me into a deep depression. Score!

I saw a commercial for the Gene Simmons reality show, and he is finally proposing to Skinimax star Shannon Tweed. Man, I wanked to her movies so many times . . . Anyway, now she's beat up looking, and so is he. I just wish these rock stars would not do these awful reality shows where they're all old and embarrassing. It was bad enough when Ozzy reduced his legacy from being the front man for the founding fathers of heavy metal, Black Sabbath, and an outstanding front man and performer, the true heavy metal madman to . . . an old man hobbling around his apartment, helpless without his wife and he and his kids saying the f-word every few seconds.

Then along comes Gene. Once he was a fire breathing, blood spitting, long-tongued pussy licking Jewish beast-man rocker, and now . . . Well, now it looks like he's having heart surgery, and a couple of years ago he had maybe the worst sex tape of all time where he mounted some young girl with his big belly flopping into her, to the sounds of "I Want To Know What Love Is" by Foreigner (no one should intentionally bang to that after the 80's - let alone video tape it) and the girl didn't even bother to take off her flip-flops as her legs wrapped around the aging embarrassment.

I guess I just want rock stars to stay young forever. I'm not saying I want them to die young, but if they live, I'd just prefer they go into some sort of rock star witness protection program where they are never to be filmed in any way again. They play golf and talk to one another about the good old days, playing Madison Square Garden and that time they had insane groupies sticking squid tentacles into their snatches.

What's Really on My Mind . . .

2011-09-07T19:47:00.000-07:00

. . . is that my girlfriend just went out of town for 2 years, work this year will be the most challenging of my life, and my poor aunt had to pay 2,000 bucks to get thousands of bats out of her house.

But instead of writing about any of that, I'm going to write about random crap such as . . .

Check out this freaky octopus that pops out of that plant like the T-1000 in the 2nd "Terminator" movie. If I were that diver, I'd have crapped, not unlike that spray of ink.

And here's a video of Terrel Owens crying for having no money. Wow. Can we get Sally Struthers and maybe she can shoot a video of him with some flies buzzing around him while he's starving in the dessert, and then folks can send him the money they work for, doing things that are much less fun than playing a game? I mean, did you hear him? He has mortgage payments for superfluous houses he shouldn't have bought and child support for bastard kids he probably shouldn't have conceived during awesome parties you and I will never go to.

Get More: The T.O. Show 3, TV Shows, Full Episode Video, Reality TV Shows

That's the kind of useless crap I feel like talking about tonight. I'll let you know when I'm in the mood to talk about what's really on my mind. Thanks for listening, Seven Readers.

LSD's Going Away Playlist: Volume 4 (The Final Chapter!)

2011-09-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

As this is the fourth and final installment in this series, if you already know the purpose of the list, just skip down to have a look at the songs, otherwise, have a look at the intro:

I have been working on writing the "liner notes" for the playlist for discs I made for LSD, my girlfriend, who is going away from Chicago and Dr. Ken for two years to attend grad school in California, and I thought I would share the songs and notes with my beloved Seven Readers.

There are 28 total songs, so I will post 7 songs at a time. As always, be sure to hit pause on the player on the right side of the page if you want to play the song clips. Let me know what you think!

Hey, LSD!

I hope you like these songs. I tried to pick ones that hold some sort of significance, and my hope is that they make at least 153 minutes of your drive to Cali enjoyable.

Perhaps one day you’ll come across this mix and smile.

They’re in alphabetical order by the name of the song, and I actually listened to each song as I wrote the notes for each one.

Enjoy!

LSD Cali Mix 1 (part 4) – Liner Notes

22. Wilco "Say You Miss Me"

This is yet another song that came up when I did a search for "miss," and I forgot how much I like this one.

I've been sleepin' alone, out on my own
I'm sure it seems like I'm takin' my time to get back to you
You been doin' your part, working real hard

Yeah, there's some stuff about getting back at each other that totally doesn't apply, I hope, but it's a good song, huh?

23. Promise Ring "Skips a Beat Over You"

This song really doesn't have much to do with anything except that I know you like this power/pop/punk type of sound, and I love this cut. Also, it just peps up this disc a little with a quick 2:01 of rock.

24. Ween "Stay Forever"

I had to get some Ween on this list, and this one seemed to have the right vibe for the occasion. I went to a wedding a long time ago for a friend of mine named Bubba, who has since refused to be called that, and he and his wife danced to this song for their big dance. It was a great day for Bubba. And Dr. Ken.

25. Grandaddy "Summer . . . It's Gone"

This is the song that made me want to make a list like this, and it's the absolute perfect song. If you have to skip a few tracks on your road trip, fine, but just don't skip this one. It has that theme of summer ending, all the fun ending, and it's time to get serious (go to school, or whatever), and that's something we have all struggled with since we were little kids. Grandaddy can lay down miserably awesome songs with the best of them, and this is a great example of that artistry. We need some sad ones on this list for a little catharsis. Shit, I'm sad listening to it now but in a good way.

26. Guided By Voices "Teenage FBI"

This song has no relevance whatsoever except that you wore my "Teenage FBI" shirt when you slept over all the time, and that's a shirt from an softball team a million years ago of the same name and named after this very song. It's one of those big and bad-ass shirts that you don't have to worry about shrinking, and it has served us both well.

27. Joe Cocker "With a Little Help from My Friends"

What do I do when my love is away
(Does it worry you to be alone?)
How do I feel by the end of the day,
(Are you sad because you're on your own?)

This song fits perfectly, whether you associate with the TV series, "The Wonder Years," or not. Actually, I heard that the "friends" referred to masturbation, which may be a friend I'll rely on more than ever, but in the literal sense, we'll need our actual friends a lot. What's sad is that you'll have to make almost all new friends, but you did so well at that here in Chicago, so I'm sure you'll be more than fine: To know you is to love you. And that's the truth. : )

28. Built To Spill "The Weather"

Yes, another BTS song sneaked onto the list, but I just think this song is so damn beautiful.

And the wind and snow, and the rain that blows;
none of those would matter much without you.
As long as it's talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

I feel like I'm finally with a girl who I can talk to all the time and not get sick of, and even more amazingly, you don't get sick of me talking. I have a lot of stupid ideas and a warped sense of humor (as evidenced by this blog over the years), and I have never felt like a woman has ever really "gotten" me, but you do. I'm a lucky man.

LSD's Going Away Playlist: Volume 3 of 4

2011-08-28T13:36:00.000-07:00

As this is the third installment in this series, if you already know the purpose of the list, just skip down to have a look at the songs, otherwise, have a look at the intro:

I have been working on writing the "liner notes" for the playlist for discs I made for LSD, my girlfriend, who is going away from Chicago and Dr. Ken for two years to attend grad school in California, and I thought I would share the songs and notes with my beloved Seven Readers.

There are 28 total songs, so I will post 7 songs at a time. As always, be sure to hit pause on the player on the right side of the page if you want to play the song clips. Let me know what you think!

Hey, LSD!

I hope you like these songs. I tried to pick ones that hold some sort of significance, and my hope is that they make at least 153 minutes of your drive to Cali enjoyable.

Perhaps one day you’ll come across this mix and smile.

They’re in alphabetical order by the name of the song, and I actually listened to each song as I wrote the notes for each one.

Enjoy!

LSD Cali Mix 1 (part 3) – Liner Notes

15. Journey "Lights"

I know this is the second song by Journey on here, and I really did not set out to have two cuts by such a goofy band. Sometimes corny songs feel good and make you laugh on a car ride, and also you want to get back to your "city by the bay," being a Bay Area girl, right? Again, the song is yet another lament by Steve Perry being away from his main squeeze. Steve Perry speaks to us, and that's not something I thought I'd ever say. Let's just move onto a better song . . .

16. Cure "Love Song"

I don't need to explain to anyone why this is an incredible song, so for this one I'm just going to paste in all the lyrics. I guarantee everyone in the world has felt at least one of the sentiments in this song. It has to be the most simultaneously depressing and uplifting song of all time. I'll just shut up and paste those lyrics:

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you

17. Rolling Stones “Miss You”

I think the notion of sleeping all alone and waiting by the phone is kind of like how we'll feel a lot over these next two years, but if I get that call from a buddy saying he's got a case of wine and some Puerto Rican girls just dying to meet me, I'll give him a polite no thanks because I got my boo in California. I think this track adds a little funkiness and a disco vibe to the mix.

18. Janet Jackson "Miss You Much"

I thought it would be funny to include this song, but it kind of sucks, right? This is the only one I really wish I hadn't included, but with any luck you'll like it and dance like Janet in the car.

19. Inxs "I Need You Tonight"

I have always contended that this is the best booty call song of all time. This dude was so sexy. I will just never understand he could go out wanking it on a doorknob, hanging himself, or whatever. That's just no way to go.

20. Three Dog Night "Old Fashioned Love Song"

I like this cut because it reminds me of being a kid because my folks were always playing these guys on the record player, and I dig it for this list because it's about love songs and how they can make you feel, which is kind of the purpose of this endeavor, right? : )

21. Blue Image "Ride Captain Ride"

I remember hearing this one on my ipod when we were getting ready to land in San Francisco for that great trip that you and I had, falling even deeper in love and realizing that we could never get sick of each other, even in what my own buddy calls the "relationship pressure cooker:" the vacation. Chicago will always our city, but so is San Fran because I think that's when we knew it was on for you and I even if it meant we had to get through a long distance thing or whatever else comes our way.

LSD's Going Away Playlist: Volume 2 of 4

2011-08-24T13:43:00.000-07:00

As this is the second installment in this series, if you already know the purpose of the list, just skip down to have a look at the songs, otherwise, have a look at the intro:

I have been working on writing the "liner notes" for the playlist for discs I made for LSD, my girlfriend, who is going away from Chicago and Dr. Ken for two years to attend grad school in California, and I thought I would share the songs and notes with my beloved Seven Readers.

There are 28 total songs, so I will post 7 songs at a time. As always, be sure to hit pause on the player on the right side of the page if you want to play the song clips. Let me know what you think!

Hey, LSD!

I hope you like these songs. I tried to pick ones that hold some sort of significance, and my hope is that they make at least 153 minutes of your drive to Cali enjoyable.

Perhaps one day you’ll come across this mix and smile.

They’re in alphabetical order by the name of the song, and I actually listened to each song as I wrote the notes for each one.

Enjoy!

LSD Cali Mix 1 (part 2) – Liner Notes

8. Led Zeppelin “Going to California”

Okay, again, not so creative, but I really do like this live version with the country lap steel guitar sound. “Took my chances on a big jet plane. Never let them tell you that they’re all the same.” Also, I think this line applies, given your undertaking: “Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams, telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems."

9. Travis “Hit Me, Baby, One More Time”

I mostly put this on here because you went to Britney in the second row, or whatever, but also this is a good version to have because it’s hard to find. I read an article with the Travis guy, who I think is an incredible singer, and he said that they started doing the song as a joke, but eventually he put so much heart and soul into it that the words began to mean something to him. “Oh baby I shouldn’t have let you go . . . My loneliness is killing me . . .” I can see why those words might mean something to a guy like myself.

10. Motley Crue “Home Sweet Home.”

Yes, this is a hair metal ballad, but it’s pretty awesome. It’s surprising you don’t hear this one at the bar more like you do with “Livin’ on a Prayer.” The song has that message of being home sweet home, coming down that long and winding road to be with your loved one, or whatever, but it also needs to be on this list just to add some rock and balls.

11. Whitney Houston “I Will Always Love You.”

This song is pretty craptacular, but it will always make me laugh thinking about you belting it out the window on the way back from the same wedding as track 5. You were just going for broke, voice cracking from some of the harder notes, but pretty much nailing it – at least I thought so, but I was drunk. Hope you sing it with at least half of that gusto when you hear it now.**

12. Method Man and Mary J. Blige “I’ll Be There For You

The original song already had some good sentiments, but Meth delivers lines like “all that romance crap to show you love.” Okay, that’s not such a good part, but I like when he says “Even when the skies were gray, you would rub me on my back and tell me ‘baby it will be okay.’” FYI there is around two minutes where they break it on down where I wouldn’t be mad if you skipped it. I just wanted to get some good rap on this list.***

13. Milli Vanilli “I’m Gonna Miss You”

Okay, this one came up when I did a search for “miss,” and I laughed my ass off. If you don’t have fond memories of this song, I understand if you give it a skip. I just picture those goofy dread locked dudes from Germany lip syncing with the record skipping and smile every time. Still, I think it’s kind of a sweet song.

"But there was nothin' I could do to make you stay
I'm gonna miss you"

"Giving all the love I feel for you

couldn't make you change your point of view

You're leavin'.

Now I'm sittin' here, Wastin' my time
I just don't know what I should do"

14. Neutral Milk Hotel “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea.”

I remember lying in the bed over by your place, and you asked me to keep playing “pretty songs” on the iTunes. I recall that you liked this one, and I liked how it felt lying next to you listening to it. I figure there will be many “Aeroplanes” in our future over the next couple of years, not necessarily over seas, but lakes and rivers for sure.

This line is good:

"What a beautiful face
I have found in this place
That is circling all round the sun"

And so is this one:

"And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me."

-------------------------------------------------------------

*This isn't the version of "Going to California" that I put on there, the actual one being the version from the "How the West Was Won" disc.

**Okay, that's not Whitney, but that kid is putting it down, whether he knows what he's saying or not.

***This youtube is also a slightly different version, and I think I like it better than the one I put on her disc. Darn!

LSD's Going Away Playlist: Volume 1 of 4

2011-08-23T15:25:00.001-07:00

I have been working on writing the "liner notes" for the playlist for discs I made for LSD, my girlfriend, who is going away from Chicago and Dr. Ken for two years to attend grad school in California, and I thought I would share the songs and notes with my beloved Seven Readers.

There are 28 total songs, so I will post 7 songs at a time. As always, be sure to hit pause on the player on the right side of the page if you want to play the song clips. Let me know what you think!

Hey, LSD!

I hope you like these songs. I tried to pick ones that hold some sort of significance, and my hope is that they make at least 153 minutes of your drive to Cali enjoyable. Perhaps one day you’ll come across this mix and smile.

They’re in alphabetical order by the name of the song, and I actually listened to each song as I wrote the notes for each one.

Enjoy!

LSD Cali Mix 1 – Liner Notes

1. R. Kelly “Bump N’ Grind.”

There really isn’t a great reason to put this one on here aside from the fact that he’s from Chicago and we did a lot of bumping as well as grinding in the last year. Also, I thought this one might make you laugh because it cracks me up. "My mind's tellin' me no!!"

2. Wilco “California Stars.”

This has always been a feel-good song for me. They’re from Chicago and the song is about California, so what the hell. It’s actually taken from a poem by Woody Guthrie, and I can’t see anyone doing a better job at turning it into a song. It’s also a good driving with the windows down and the wind in your hair type of song – I think.

3. Built to Spill “Car.”

I wanted to be sure that I had a BTS song on here because they’re just about my favorite band; for sure my favorite from Idaho. Will you be driving through The Land of Potatoes? Anyway, the song says “You get the car, I’ll get the night off. You’ll get the chance to take the world apart and figure out how it works.” Also, he says “I need a car, you need a guy who needs a map,” so that makes me think of you and Suzy in the car with a map, and Suzy getting the “night off” of work to drive with you.*

4. Marvin Gaye “Distant Lover.”

I did a search for “distant” or “distance” on the iTunes and this one came up. I had forgotten what a great performance this was. He was driving bitches crazy that night! Anyway, Dr Ken and LSD will be distant lovers for sure. Boot up that Skype, I'll grab some Kleenex, and “let’s get it on” like Marvin!

5. E.U. “Doin’ the Butt.”

I think you will recall driving home from that wedding and me singing this one to random Black folks getting out of the bar in the middle of the night. Plus, I just think you and I sang this goofy one so much to the point that it became a good song. I still need to hear this one at Liars Club before I die . . .**

6. Journey “Faithfully.”

This song is really corny but awesome, and it perfectly expressed what it was like for Steve Perry to be apart from his lady while on tour. One line that is equally gay and amazing is “I get the joy of rediscovering you.” Fuck it. I love this song. I’ll tell the world! I remember listening to this one on my sister’s stereo before I had a CD player. I love those drum fills starting at 2:52. “being apart ain’t easy on this love affair,” but we’ll be stronger for it – I just know it.

7. L.L. Cool J “Going Back to Cali”

There is nothing deeper that went into the logic of putting this song on here except that you used to live in Cali and now you’re going back there. Still, L.L. says “I don’t think so,” which suggests that he would always be representin’ Queens just like you represent Chicago, or wherever we end up together.

Stay tuned for parts 2 through 4, Seven Readers!

------------------------------------------------------
*Suzy is her buddy who is driving with her and taking a flight back to Chicago, just so that LSD has some company. Nice, right?
**I think Spike Lee being in this video gives it some street cred.

2011-08-20T02:33:00.000-07:00

My sister was telling me a story about a girl she knew in college who was the male equivilant of a c@ck block. There was one incident where a girl was hitting it off with a guy at a party, and this c-blocker walked right over there, grabbed him by the hand, took him upstairs and got it on with him, later excusing the incident by saying that she "just needed it."

This is when Dr. Ken's sister demonstrated that she is related to me by being equal parts clever and gross when she said that she coined this young woman's nickname: The Beaver Dam. I just love that . . .

You know any other female c-blocker terms?

Is Mark Wahlberg an Asshole?

2011-08-18T12:07:00.000-07:00

Well, you be the judge. I did a search on google of whether or not he was a jerk or an asshole, and this is what I found. Now if anyone else searches, I hope this post is the first thing they find because I think I put this Asshole Assessment together quite nicely.

Here's a clip of him threatening to beat up a guy interviewing him just because he calls him an action star. He's doing it in jest but it's a little too much - Mark seems like a bully type that's not yet fully grown up.

Here he is saying that with all his boxing training in movies, he could knock out Manny Pacquiao if he could get in a sucker punch. Also, he says that he punched someone recently and fish hooked another guy's eye socket.

According to his biography on IMDB, this is where he came from:

Wahlberg dropped out of high school at age 14 (but later got his GED) to pursue a life of petty crime and drugs. He'd spend his days scamming and stealing, working on the odd drug deal before treating himself to the substances himself. The young man also had a violent streak - one which was often aimed at minorities. At age 16, he was convicted of assault against two Vietnamese men after he had tried to rob them.

Yes! Beating up minorities! I knew he was an asshole, but this extends to straight-up evil.

What got me on this quest was listening to his commentary in "Boogie Nights" where his phone keeps going off loudly and he never bothers to silence it and at another point he takes a call from his travel agent. The director of the film, Paul Thomas Anderson, had great conversations with the other members of the cast, all of them pointing out scenes they liked and elements of the characters, often characters that weren't theirs, that they enjoyed, while Mark Wahlberg just asked when it was over because he had to go, bitching about the movie being too long. With the other cast members, the conversation just flowed, but with Wahlberg, he had to be prompted to say things, and without fail he would let out a big loud yawn and talk through his yawn. Really, Marky Mark? You didn't know how long the movie was going to be, and once there, you couldn't muster up some enthusiasm or turn your damn phone off? Without that movie, he would never be respected as a serious actor the way he is now, just a serious asshole, so the least he could do was act mildly interested.

Then during John C. Riley's, a much more talented actor, let's face it, portion of the commentary, he tells a story about how during the pool party scene, Wahlberg had his whole entourage with him, now made famous by the overrated HBO series, and he was testing everyone, seeing who would put up with his crap and who he could get a rise out of. People were pushing one another into the pool, but Marky Mark would do it to the same person four times just to get under their skin. Riley says that he doesn't have an angry streak, but he had low blood sugar from not eating and was tired of Wahlberg's crap, so when he got hit square in the forehead in front of everyone with a Marky Mark thrown marshmallow, he just lost it and attacked him. Good job, John C. Riley. Someone needed to stand up to the bully, so I'm glad you had that low blood sugar that day (Also, John is from Chicago so that makes him awesome. I really don't like that for his IMDB biography, the first line is "With a homely mug . . .")

I guess I wouldn't have gotten so mad about Mark being such a turd in the commentary if I didn't love this movie so much; "Boogie Nights" is my favorite film of all time, and when I hate the actor, it ruins the character for me. Dirk Diggler, or really Eddie Adams from Torence, was a sweet innocent kid swept up into a world of sex and drugs, latching onto Jack Horner, the director, and one of the female stars like a father and mother, whereas Mark Wahlberg just seems like an outright butthole. Hopefully with time, when I watch the movie, I'll just see him as Dirk and not the a-hole bully. After all, I was worried that all "Seinfeld" reruns would make me just think what a racist dumbass Michael Richards seemed like at the time, but now he's just Kramer.

Anyone have any thoughts on this guy or know of another celebrity being a jerk? How about one who is supposed to be a jerk but you found them quite nice/misunderstood?

"Allowance:" Another Short Story

2011-08-16T13:45:00.000-07:00

Here is the short story I just submitted for publishing, and I hope you all enjoy it.

Allowance

“This is so nice,” said Lilly, reaching across the table for David’s hand. “I can’t believe you were able to get us in here.”

“Yeah, it’s not bad” was the most enthused that David could muster in response.
He was trying to live in the moment and simply enjoy himself, but this was not the table the guy on the phone had promised him. Securing the God damn secluded romantic booth shouldn’t have been a problem on a Wednesday, especially since he had booked it weeks ago, but they likely screwed him over for a b-list celebrity.

He would be sure to see whom they seated in the damn thing. No bother. David would still attempt to make the best of this evening out with Lilly, something they were so rarely able to do with their hectic work schedules, both being in their forties and entrenched in the rat race of their respective successful careers.

A young blond waitress in a long black dress approached them saying, quite charmingly, “If there’s one thing I hate about this job, it’s that I have to interrupt romantic moments such as this one. How cute are the two of you?”

David laughed, “Oh don’t worry about that at all, miss. You wouldn’t think we were too cute if we got all starving and crabby on you, so you had to interrupt at some point” said David, who found himself toning down his flirtation midway through his response.

“I suppose you’re right, sir. And if you’re anything like me, sobriety makes you equally crabby, so what can I get the two of you to drink?”

Now David was perked up, but still keeping the full flirtation he would like to have employed at bay, “We’ll make it easy on you: two dirty Goose martinis.”

“Okay, two dirty geese for these fine folks? I can do that. Back in a bit. Get back to canoodling,” said the waitress, as she tapped the table delicately with her open palm and sauntered past Lilly towards the kitchen, flashing a knowing smile at David over her shoulder.

This time David was the one to reach for Lilly’s hand, his mood much improved after that happy interruption, and he did a good job at maintaining eye contact while at the same time soaking in a solid notion of how sexy the young waitress looked from behind in that long black dress.

“Maybe you’re right, Lil’. Perhaps we don’t need that booth all tucked away when we can let the whole joint know just how in love we are.”

“Yeah, and maybe you have a thing for that waitress,” she said with an innocent smile, but in David’s experience with women, nothing was innocent – she picked up on something.

“Yes, and I was thinking we take her home with us, yes?”

“Really?

God, he only wished.

“No! Of course not! We’re not cut out for that sort of thing. Besides, I don’t want to share you,” he said, effectively diffusing a situation, flashing his charm that he knew he still had, because despite being a touch older than he used to be, a good smile, a few bucks, and lots of tanning could keep him charming for at least another five or six years.

The waitress approached the table, saying, “Here are the dirty-geesies, but I have some bad news: We got swamped by the piano bar, a fricking gin-swilling office party of some kind, and they’re moving me over there to catch the newbies up because I’m the best. So, I guess this is goodbye,” she said, with a cute little frowny face, and this time David was positive she was digging him.

Calmly, David took out his wallet and handed her a large sum of cash and said, “Okay, well here’s the money for the drinks, and you have yourself a lovely evening.”

“Thanks! You two do the same,” she said, not looking at the amount, which David found endearing. Was it possible he was falling in love with his waitress after only this brief amount of time with her? One thing he knew for sure was that he was picking up on some seriously amazing vibes, and he was sure she felt the same.

Waiting it out, after getting a new dull waitress and having a few bites of his meal, he would make his move. He excused himself and walked towards the nearest bathrooms, which thankfully were in the piano bar section – her section.

Walking in, he spotted her instantly – her long legs, perky breasts, long flowing blond hair, and that incredible disarming smile of hers. Casually, he approached her, and reaching for one of his leather business card holder, he touched the fuzzy engagement ring box he was actually going to give Lilly tonight; He was about to make a huge mistake, and this beautiful woman saved him.

Handing her a card, he said, “Listen, I know I’m with someone here, and this is a little embarrassing, but I took her out tonight to end it. I know what I want, and I think it’s someone exactly like you. You’re beautiful, elegant, witty, and just . . . great. Call me, will you?”

Appearing a little shocked and flattered, the waitress said, “I do believe I will, Mr.” (looking at the card to read the name) “Brenneman. I thought we had something going on back there. Now, go do what you have to do with your date, and be expecting a phone call tomorrow, young man.” And with that, she went right back to charming the pants off of that awfully drunk office party for a moment, but as David walked back to Lilly and his table, the waitress made her way to a staff bathroom in the back, joining her friend and coworker who was straightening up her makeup, beginning her shift.

As the waitress, David’s waitress, took out her mirror/cocaine case and lined up a bump to get her through what was to be a busy night, she said to her friend, “Guess who just found herself the perfect man to give me the allowance I’m going to need for the next few months?”

“No! But you just ended the last one. I’m beginning to think you do it because you like the old guys.”

“That’s not it at all. I mean, this new one is attractive for an older guy, but I really need the money, and it’s the only way to get it as fast as I need it. Besides, this is the last one, I promise. Just this one last sugar daddy and then I’ll have enough saved to finally make it to New York for good. Aren’t you happy for me?”

Laughing, her friend said, as she joined the other waitress for a rail of cocaine of her own, “Yes. I suppose so. Does he have a friend?”

Optimistic Prime

2011-08-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

LSD and I went to an alumni party for the graduate school she is going to in California, and the rest of the new students they were welcoming were incoming undergraduates. I joked with her on the ride up that someone was going to think we were an undergraduate student's parents, and someone actually did ask us that. I don't think we look old enough to have an 18-year-old kid, but I was hungover and she was tired from a half-marathon. Still, that was a tactless question, and the guy with a lack of tact was my role at this function, damn it.

It was at someone's house, and they had lots of money. I'll never have a kitchen that big. Ever. There were some pretty awesome cookies with the school's mascot on them, so that was fun. Also, I started with two coke zeros, and then my mood really improved when I saw there were Heinekens in another cooler.

I met a mathematician, so I asked her if she heard the one about the constipated mathematician? You know, he worked it out with a pencil? Now, that's a disgusting joke that paints a really gross picture, but how often do I get a chance to use that joke?

We met a girl with the last name of Stream, so we'll say her name was Sandy Stream, and I told LSD on the ride home that she has a great pee-pee-porn name.

Maybe it's best for LSD's career that she get away from me for a little while . . .

On a serious note, we met a guy who seemed very sad for us that we're starting this long-distance relationship, but he seemed to like us and was optimistic, reminding us that two years when you're an adult goes by very fast. I'm trying to be optimistic too, like Optimistic Prime. I mean, I am a pretty awesome boyfriend for driving her to and from this event, and peppering conversations with uncomfortable comments. If I could turn into an 18-wheeler like Optimistic Prime, I'd drive all her stuff out there, turn into a robot for a bit, run around on the beach scaring the shit out of people, maybe even have an awesome tailgate party in the back.

Wait, what happened to the "serious note?" This will be a tough period, but she's the shit, I'm the shit, and together we're anything but shitty, so this just has to work. Thanks for reading, everyone.

Does The Naked Guy Run Marathons?

2011-08-13T10:42:00.001-07:00

And yes, "The" is capitalized in the title of this post because that's just how I write his name.

I ran with a running group for the first time along with my friend Monique, who is running her first marathon like myself, and first let me rant about how dumb these groups are. Yes, you get some free Gatorade and water along the way, it gives you encouragement not to stop, they have pace people to keep you running at whatever pace you want, and there are no doubt many other advantages. Ooh, and free crackers and shit at the end. That's good too, but here's what I don't like: They yell out when there is a guy on a bike coming, they yell when there's the slightest divot in the gravel, and overall, they just make you feel like when you were with a nerdy group of friends in high school when you see normal people who simply run by themselves, the cool kids in this scenario.

Okay, now for what's been on my mind, and brace yourself because this is a break through:

I think I saw The Naked Guy from The Liars Club running in the 8 minute mile group with Monique's friend.

We opted for the 9 and a 1/2 minute miles and that was plenty fast when you're doing 15. I don't want to get off on another rant about how dumb it is to run so damn far because I need you, My Seven Readers, to help me get to the bottom of this mystery.

Now, The Naked Guy is the gentleman who strips naked and dances around at my favorite bar of all time, a place where my ashes will likely be on a shelf behind the bar next to the Goldschlager, The Liars Club. I know from my conversations with The Naked Guy that he is a nudist, but if he were an avid runner it wouldn't surprise me because he stays in pretty good shape (click here if you want to know a little bit more about the LC or the NG).

I write on The Liars Club Facebook page from time-to-time so I was going to ask on there if The Naked Guy is also The Marathon Guy, but I was the last guy to comment on the page - making me look like a weirdo if I comment twice in a row.

This is why I enlisted the help of my Heterosexual Life Partner (HLP), also a big fan of the bar, the two of us got in lots of trouble in there over the years, to ask this burning question for me.

I shall keep you posted, Seven Readers . . .

Rape Me, My Friend.

2011-08-10T14:01:00.000-07:00

I was running today to "In Utero" by Nirvana, something I hadn't heard in a long time. What struck me is that this is their worst record by far - not even close. He had success and too much fame for his tastes and wanted to release a big F-U to the public, and he was probably horribly depressed and doing too many drugs. Still, it's a better record than most any band will ever make; He was such a naturally gifted songwriter that he made a good record in spite of himself.

Then when "Rape Me" came on, I thought about an Environmental Science class in high school that I was taking when that record came out (Dr. Ken went to school during the grunge era) and a project we had in which we had to bring in a CD to play with a song that was about the environment.

A young Dr. Ken, a metal-head at the time, read a few lyrics from a song called "Greenhouse Effect" by Testament, which is a rather awful song about, you guessed it, the greenhouse effect. Only like three tracks still hold up on that album, but the cover art is still terrific, don't you think? I didn't want to play it on the stereo because I thought the metal would scare the other kids - I was a giant pussy at the time because now I would be more like, "deal with it, pussies."

Then, a classmate of mine had the teacher put on "Rape Me" by Nirvana. We listened to the whole thing, and the teacher was obviously disturbed and offended, especially by the time it got to the breakdown at the end where Kurt is just yelling "rape me" over-and-over again. She asked the young man what the song is supposed to mean and just why in the hell did we listen to that whole abrasive thing, to which he said, "I dunno. I couldn't think of anything."

He could have made something up about it being about mother earth being raped by non-earth conscious consumers using too much hair spray and polluting and the like, but nope, he just came clean and said he couldn't think of anything. Outstanding. A good day in my otherwise highly uneventful high school tenure. Don't forget to turn off my music player along the right panel if you want to see this awesome live performance of "Rape Me" with a young Dave Grohl going all the way off.

2011-08-09T15:19:00.001-07:00

I'm halfway, okay, maybe a third-way, through a short story, and I just had to get a break from it and update the old blog. I'll probably post the finished product on here tomorrow.

I'm in the Starbucks, and some woman came in here with the two nuttiest little boys ever, like 2 and 3 years old respectively. She went to the counter and let them terrorize the place, begging for some of the orange soda from the guy across from me and then reaching for my hot coffee. I told them, "No, boys. That's hot." The guy across from me was laughing and smiling and so was I. The mom at the counter didn't even turn around to see what her kids were doing.

Then she sat right by us, and there was something really off about these kids but more in the parenting. She kept saying please when asking them to do things, and it was with this nicey-nice tone. I'm critical of shitty parents in public places, which probably means I'll be worse at it than all of them some day, bribing my kids with cookies like this lady.

In other news, I'm reading "Rules of Attraction" by Bret Easton Ellis, and it's outstanding. Anyone ever read it? It sort of inspired the idea for this short story, the notion that people are always falling for the wrong people.

Also, tomorrow I'm going to a Chicago Cubs game with HLP, James Douglas, and Captain Jack. You know what's funny? I recently had someone tell me that she wanted to get into the blog and get a blog nickname. Anyone else have people requesting that?

Also, I'm not quite ready for this marathon in a couple months, but I may be filling in for LSD in a half-marathon this weekend. My workouts inspired this Facebook update:

Lately, when I work out, I need heavy metal, and when I work out a lot, I eat healthier, buying and enjoying more produce. As a result, I'm going through a simultaneous heavy metal and produce revolution. I call it: Megadeth and Mangos.

I think that the eating healthy thing is great, but the metal thing is really strange because I haven't been this into metal since I was in high school, over 15 years ago. No other type of music can push me in the way that a good and heavy song can. I need that aggressive pace and angry vocals to help me wince through the pain. The ultimate band for this is called Kyuss, and if you haven't heard of them, go buy either "Blues for the Red Sun," "Welcome To Sky Valley," or "And the Circus Leaves Town," all of which are perfect heavy records, not necessarily metal, but heavy, sludgy, progressive, and addictive.

Okay, I'm going to finish this book, hang out with LSD for a bit, and then when she meets some friends for a drink, I'll try to finish this story. Take it easy, Seven Readers.

So, I was taking a picture of some girls last night who were friends of friends . . .

2011-08-07T10:07:00.000-07:00

. . . and one told me to hold the camera up high and point it downward, and because I was like 10 Corona's deep, I blurted out, "Oh, you mean to minimize the double chins. Gotcha." The first pic I took had 5 pissed off faces and one giving me the bird.

Then I had to split a cab with them downtown.

This uncomfortable foot-in-the-mouth moment has been brought to you by Summer's Eve.

Old Style Beer and the Old Style of Peeing

2011-08-04T13:30:00.001-07:00

Wrigley Field announced that it will stop carrying Old Style and replace it with, rumor has it, Coors Light. This is a tragedy. Yes, Old Style tastes like liquid ass, but it's a man's beer - it tastes like a beer. Bitter, gross, and like diesel fuel - it tastes like when your dad gave you a sip of beer when you were seven and you wanted to puke.

Now, Old Style used to be a quarter or fifty cents cheaper, but then it became the same price. Once it became the same amount of money, the only time one opted for the Dog Pile (as it's sometimes known as) is when the Bud beer vendor hadn't been to your section in a while. It's not like I'm going to miss the taste of the beer too much, but taking away Old Style is kind of like taking away tradition. A nasty, skunky tradition that I treasured and something that has been a part of the ballpark for as long as I can remember.

If you're anything like me, and I hope for your sake you're not, this is making you worry that they will take away other mainstays, like the trough-style urinals. I started a Facebook group to keep the troughs in Wrigley around a year ago, and we have built a robust number of seven people who are willing to put their name on a movement to keep peeing in something horses eat out of.

With your help, we can get over 10 people . . .

Click these words to join the movement.

What's Your L. Ron Hubbard Name?

2011-08-03T12:33:00.000-07:00

When we were at the bar - I have no idea why this came up - (why does anything come up at the bar?) we started going around the table saying our L. Ron Hubbard names: the first letter of your first name, followed by your whole middle and last name. This could also be called your M. Night Shyamalan name. Often times it makes the person sound a lot more important than he/she really is.

I can't give you names of myself or any of my friends, but I will give you some fun ones (God bless wikipedia for having all the full names of goofy celebrities):

R. Milhous Nixon (Yup. His middle name was like Bart's nerdy buddy on "The Simpsons."

H. Enrique Estrada (Ponch from Chips sounds pretty serious with his name like this.)

M. Andrew Fox (We're not letting "Michael J." fool us with that middle initial that doesn't stand for anything - not in this game!)

O. James Simpson (A way better athlete/double-murderer with this name)

L. Anthony Gallagher Jr. (Yeah. The guy who smashes watermelons with a mallet)

C. Javon Ochocinco (This dumb-dumb should know that it's ochenta y cinco, but this game even makes this goof ball seem more legitimate, right?)

So, Seven Readers, would you like to submit a celebrity L. Ron name into the comments? Perhaps you can even try using your L. Ron name on a job application to make yourself sound more important, like someone worthy of important things, such as making up a bogus religion about aliens to con celebrities out of their money. Something like that . . .

2011-08-02T13:55:00.000-07:00

LSD, my girlfriend, and I have reached a very important part of our relationship where I feel comfortable asking her the following extremely pivotal question:

"Hey, babe. Is this a whopper zit on the back of my ear? I have no way of seeing it."

So, all I had to do today was buy flip-flops . . .

2011-08-01T13:31:00.001-07:00

. . . and that's all I really accomplished, so it's what I'm going to write about.

See if you can tell me what's strange about this conversation when I was ringing up my two pairs of thongs. I still call them thongs sometimes . . .

Cashier: You find everything okay, brau?
Ken: Yessir.
Cashier: Okay, cash or credit?
Ken: Credit (hands him his card)
Cashier: Your name, bro?
Ken: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater
Cashier: And address, bro?
Ken: 6969 W. Riveredge Road.
Cashier: And phone number, brau?
Ken: 555-8309
Cashier: Okay, just sign right here, bro.
Ken: There you go
Cahier: Okay, need a bag?
Ken: Nah.
Cahier: Okay, have a good one, bro.

And if you said the funny thing about this exchange, besides the goofy address and phone number and how much information he requested, was that he called me bro 4 times and brau 2 times, you win! He dealt me a full house, bro's over brau's, plus an extra bro for good measure!

Now, did he think that it was okay to call me that because I'm youngish looking, had on a Motley Crue shirt and my hair was still messy from coming home from my lady-friend's? Or does his company, which sounds a little like Bird of Prey from the United States (good selection of thongs!) trains him to call people brau and the like?

Here's another question, which term do you hate being called the most:

Guy
Chief
Captain
Boss
Partner
Big fella
Big homey
Lil' homey
My man
Dude
Toots
Sugar
Sugar-tits
Sweetheart
Ma'am (Makes women feel old)
Sweets
Honey
Babe
Baby
Sugar (This one is okay if it's used by a waitress with an old fashioned bea hive hairdo)

Any others you would like to add?

2011-07-30T12:25:00.000-07:00

In this song, DJ Easy Dick says that his radio station, W-Balls, I believe, is the station that "slaps you upside your fat ass with a fat dick." I always thought that was a solid slogan.

Dr. Ken's Buddies

2011-07-27T13:53:00.000-07:00

Last night I had 2 dollar pitchers with "the lads" from Ireland. A bunch of them went home early, but Skittles and I stayed out late. I don't think I'd feel nearly as hungover if he hadn't been scooping up so many abandoned pitchers for us to drink. I always blame someone . . .

I had lunch with Gung Ho today, and he and I have the best conversations. I really could just transcribe them and turn them into dialogue for a movie, like those scenes when the buddies get together and talk about life and women over basketball. Isn't there always a damn scene like that?

Now I'm off to go for a run with my other friend, Monique, who, like me, is running her first marathon in a couple months. I'm excited to meet her new puppy as well. The other day we were running together for the first time, sweating our asses off in the heat, and then we realized we were both running faster than usual, thinking that the other person wanted to go that fast. You ever do that?

2011-07-27T00:21:00.000-07:00

I was riding home tonight, fresh off a night of trying to get my friend laid, and riding home, I really was looking forward to updating the blog. I think this is good, as many months have gone by without a 15+ month.

Well, Seven Readers. deal with this awful post, this awful, meaningless update of nothingness.

I'll tell you this: When I started this blog, I felt like the guy in the youutbe below, and now I'm much, much better. Everyone who has been here for a long time, I truly value your commitment.