Sunday, August 26, 2007

Let's Get Physcial, Bitches.

One of the few things I hate more than cats is working out. Because of this, I get exercise through every type of sports league I can think of, and by riding my bike everywhere, even when it doesn't make any sense to do so. I'm just not a gym guy. Maybe it's the swollen-up, muscley, Neanderthal man grunting and groaning to assure that everyone becomes well aware that he is squatting hundreds of meaningless pounds. Maybe it's watching Johnny Hardass, perhaps the very same Neanderthal man, hit on the fake-breasted, but cute girl at the juice bar. Anyway, today I decided to do some gym-free push-ups and sit ups for two reasons:

1. I recently had an encounter with an old flame, and although the border police were stringent around her 38th Parallel/Mason-Dixon Line, we did end up mostly naked, back at her place. For whatever reason, she felt compelled to tell me that I should do some bench-pressing. That hurt a little bit, but after cycling through the pictures in her camera, I saw the type of guy she prefers in her recently dubbed ex-boyfriend: A totally ripped, cheesy-looking, Chip and Dales(tm) Dancer type. I wish I could say I didn't have this knowledge, but judging by his good-sized, yet unkempt penis area, he could have made a decent living at it. If you saw this dude, you'd know what I mean when I say that all he needs is the bow tie. In any event, I left her crappy, little apartment very ashamed of my lack of chest definition.

2. In a men's health magazine, I saw like seven push-up techniques, and I wanted to try them out, despite the fact that I could only seem to remember the one where you make a diamond out of your hands. Holy mackerel do those make my chest hurt, even now, with each and every keystroke. I also borrowed my neighbor’s ab-roller(tm). Those are a bitch, man! While I was rolling away, I Saw the Light by Todd Rundgren came on, and I remember thinking: "Those killer, bombastic drums bumping give quite an edge to an otherwise, fairly-tradional pop song. Hey, that's one heck of a guitar solo too. I wonder if that's big Todd himself? If memory serves, he raised Liv Tyler as his own daughter, even though it was Steven Tyler who knocked up her groupie mom." My mind went through various tangents like that one, until I realized I had been rolling for far, far too long. My tummy hurts, but not nearly as bad as my back.

Now, if you'll excuse me, me and my sore back and puny, but sore, chest, are going to anoint ourselves in a bathtub full of BenGay.

28 comments:

cathouse teri said...

Aw... I'm so sorry you felt minimalized by an old flame. But it sure made for a fun story for us! Especially the Todd story! You're a great at story-izing the mundane things.

Good job! And may you soon be a macho-er man!

(Okay, it was hyphen day.)

So what's an underdog anyway? I'm not familiar with all the techniques of a swinging guy like you!

And hey, thanks for stopping by, tiger. Didja get rid of that fuckin' cat yet?

Kadonkadonk said...

Your ex sounds like a huge bitch. I hope she's at least good in bed.

classyandfancy said...

Wait a sec, did she actually let you look through her camera at naked photos of her ex? Like, "Hey, naked guy in my bed, take a look at another naked guy that's been in my bed." Maybe it was supposed to turn you on.

mysterygirl! said...

There's so much to comment on here. I can't believe that that girl said that to you, especially when the border police were in full effect-- what, she hadn't put you in enough pain for one night?

I'm also wondering about how you ended up looking at the pictures of her naked ex. I like Classyandfancy's take on the situation, though.

I'm sure you look just fine, Dr. K. Not all ladies like the beefcake. GSR will be by soon to tell you about the merits of the Perfect Push-up, though, I'm sure.... :)

captain corky said...

Have you thought about signing up for the 6 week Captain Corky miracle chest workout? Three simple work outs a week, while watching TV, and for 1000 dollars I personally guarantee that in not time at all you wont be ashamed to take your shirt off at the beach.

And if you act now, I'll throw in the Captain Corky miracle wrist curl workout completely free!!!

BottleBlonde said...

For whatever reason, she felt compelled to tell me that I should do some bench-pressing.

This chick tells you this, and you STILL want to sleep with her? Wow. There's the difference between men and women. If a guy so much as looked at me the wrong way, I'd retract my vajayjay from the situation, right then and there.

Jenny! said...

What a whore bag! You should have told her after she took her pants off that her ass is sagging more than you remember!

zen wizard said...

Ben Gay® is so expensive--I wish they made Ben Experimented-at-Boy Scout-Camp, or something, for cheaper...

Anyway, here is another strategy--get a doctorate degree. Then, fifty years from now, you and her ex-boyfriend will both be shriveled-up geezers, but you will be SMART.

chuckdaddy2000 said...

It seems like the girls are more pissed than the guys on your ex's comment. The guys are just giving you advice while the girl's sound like they want to tear her a thrid one...

Maybe it's b/c guys no we have no right to get on girls about being superficial.

Airam said...

I personally am not into the whole beefcake look. I think it's gross.

Dyck!! said...

I'd skip the Ben Gay and get some tissues and K.Y. Sounds like you're going to need it.

non-Blondie said...

ouch, harsh. Maybe she wanted to punish you for the break-up? It's something girls do every now and then.
Some great advice an ex gave me is to stop caring what anyone says about you. Sound advice, but I'm still struggling to apply it to myself.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Teri: You guys all know what Underdogs are right? It's when you push a kid on the swing from the back, run all the way through the forward motion, and then release just before they go into their backward motion. It's named after one of the best cartoons ever. I hear there's a movie coming out soon . . .

Kadonk: She wasn't really a big bitch up until that point, just really annoying, and yes, good in the old sack.

Classy: I don't think it dawned on her that the weiner pics were in there when I started looking through.

Mystery!: I will await GSR's tutorial. I always think of G n' R when I type his name . . .

Corky: I'm down. I'm a dedicated student. However, I'll pass on the wrist workout, as that muscle group is a little overdeveloped.

Bottle: She told me this in the morning, after I was already denied. At this point, no I didn't want to sleep with her anymore. I actually was leaving to play vball on the beach - with my shirt on.

Jenny: Hahahhah! That saggy assed "whore bag!"

Zen: Quite true. Good investment. You're so wise . . .

Chuck: A third one!!! Yeah, the Phillies are beside themselves.

Airam: In that case, I'm not the least bit gross.

Dyk: You use KY on yourself? Is that for your thumb?

Non-Blondie: That's like when someone says, "Don't fall down." We can't avoid it. HEY READERS: GO TO NON-BLONDIE'S PAGE. I THINK I"M HER ONLY READER, AND THAT'S A DAMN SHAME, BECAUSE SHE DOES A REAL GOOD JOB WITH HER PAGE. FACT.

Drunken Chud said...

i have chest definition... in the form of bitch tits. lick my man mammaries baby!

Diesel said...

I got the underdog reference. Brought back memories...

You probably did too many pushups if you're that sore. Ease into it. After a few times, it won't hurt nearly as much.

Scary Monster said...

Me don't mind that me be a middle aged monster without the pectoral definition of a twenty year old.

If some floozey tells me that me be out of shape, Me informs her that round is a shape.
If she complains that me breasts are sagging then me steals her bra puts it on and dares her to unhook it with one hand- Fonzie style!

zen wizard said...

Here are some more sagely words of wisdom--never, no matter how desparate you are for lube, jerk off with Ben Gay®!!

(Actually I would kind of question the wisdom of anyone who knows that from personal experience...)

Kate said...

lol... sounds like an evening with mixed emotions!

When reading this, I kept thinking that is an example of the difference between a man and a woman... if a man told a woman she should do some sit ups as they were getting intimate... he is assured to be gettin nothin that evening! lol

You guys have your fun then fret about it later.lol

I hate really buff guys... to me it says they are too focused on their looks... dont get me wrong, a guy who is in good physical condition is a turn on... just not Mr Olympia!

Cheers!

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about your chest size. Glad the ex got to you before I did.

Eve said...

She sounds like a jerk. Good riddance.

And yes, please clarify why you were looking at these pics?

Grad School Reject said...

In random order:

1) Play sports. Like football. More specifically - Fantasy Football. That counts as being athletic, right?

2) I bought something called "The Perfect Push Up" about a month ago. It actually seems to be working.

Grad School Reject said...

Damn - I commented before I read the other comments. I see MG! has owned me once again.

ADW said...

OK, so I am a little late with the comment. That chick was a beyotch. Why would anyone say something hurtful like that? Unless you cheated on her with her mom the last time you were together? Did you do that? No? Yes? Maybe? C'mon, you can tell me, I can keep a secret.

I hope the next time you see her, you are with a way hotter chick. You won't even have to say anything and it will burn her ass.

Legaleagle said...

Alright, so my latest post won't help.... sorry about that.

In reality, though, I have never imagined you with ill-defines pecks. Don't let the slut get you down.

Steph said...

What an evil bitch! You should have told her that her ass was a lot fatter than you remembered. That would have shut her up.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chudly: You can pull off bitch tits.

Diesel: Ease in . . . So, like, two a day?

Monster: I don't remember Fonzie doing the "one hander." Didn't he just snap his fingers?

Zen: That would burn like a mothafucka!!

Kate: I am somewhere between Pee-Wee Herman and Mr. Olympia.

Cherry: Tonight would have been a good time to discuss that. Oh, wait, you blew me off . . .

Eve: I just was glancing through her pictures and came across a weiner. Ugh!!

GSR: She knows you too well.

ADW: I did NOT pork her mom, but it's on my too do list.

Legal: My pecs are not "ill defined" They're just not quite Chip N' Dales.

Steph: I would tell her that, if I ever spoke to her again. I think we're done. Every time she texts me, she makes it sound like we're going to get down, and we never do. Fuck that. She gone . . .

Laaw-yuhr said...

Methinks you should write a womanizing rap song about your ex. After all does Snoop Dog have chest definition. HELL NO! Besides, you at least write funny, which to normal women makes you a far better catch than the dick dancer.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Law: You're right! And you know what? Who's body looks better in their old age, Arnold Sharzenager or Iggy Pop? Arnold looks like a saggy tire, while Iggy looks the same as he did in 1978. For the long term, it's all about being lean and toned, not buffed out.