Kids Say the Deuchiest Things

I'm getting into full swing of my summer job, which sometimes means partying with people way younger than myself. Actually, the party I went to last night was at the same house as the party in a previous post.

I was making some observations while positioned on a balcony where, for whatever reason, very few guests ventured. This amounted to box seats for watching deuches in their natural habitat, and they came out in all variations . . .

Hula Deuche: There was a girl spinning a glowing hula hoop around with her whole body, using a slithering motion. All right, actually, that was more cool and sexy than it was deuchie. She got a golf clap from The Gancer.

Mouse Trap Deuche: A guy came storming out onto the balcony to ask for a "small rubber band" to jerry-rig a portion of the game Mouse Trap. I'm sure he was in college, but he looked 14. In his hastiness, he hadn't noticed that he locked himself out, but the rubber band was his chief concern. I felt like calling his parents to tell them that it looks as if their son has got into some heavy drugs, he's slipped into a Milton Bradley induced dementia, and his deuche baggery has reached alarming levels.

Deuchie Host: Actually, she's a good kid. I saw a big drum and asked if it was some sort of jungle juice. She told me that it had been numerous gallons of "pink pantie droppers," but it was now reduced to a few boozy pieces of fruit. Beer was scarce at the party too, but I was happy to celebrate her birthday, in spite of that and her suck-hole friends.

Deuche of the White Rhino Variety: He was a trendy black dude with a headband and, I'll say it, pretty eyes, and he looked a little like Lenny Kravitz, another big time D. Bag. He had me pinned into a corner of the kitchen, and he was going on and on and on and on and on about how pot will be legalized in the next ten to fifteen years, because of something or other about the government - perhaps based on something he had heard in his poli-sci class earlier that week. I then heard him throwing out some prices for some of his products. $50 for a bag of very "dank" pot and $65 for white rhino, or something like that. I'm so out of it when it comes to pot. I think he became aware of that when I said that I wouldn't mind seeing "dope" (I actually used that word) legalized, but I just can't picture it. Like, you walk into a liquor store and say, "I'll take a sixer of bud and some white rhino dope." He said something like, "Why do you call it dope? That implies anyone who smokes it is a dope." I would never imply anything like that, although, this guy certainly was.

My point is that kids are so sucky these days. Just to the right of the hula hoop girl, there was a hippy drum circle, and I think I saw a sitar. A sitar! Maybe kids have always sucked, but I just wish they weren't so trendy, and would just be themselves. I talked with one real cool kid for quite some time, who was celebrating not getting fired from his fish aquarium job (his "weed money job"), but other than him and maybe one other guy, it was a backyard full schmucks.

If I ever have kids some day, I'll be sure to tell my son, "At the first sign that you are becoming a d. bag, I'm punching you in the crotch. If that doesn't work, you're off to military school. If that doesn't take the deuche out of you, then I'm taking away your sitar.