Hooray! A New Gross Phrase . . .

My good friend, Big Business, and I just came up with a new fun phrase for the Urban Dictionary.  Big Business works terrible, terrible hours and raises his brother's two daughters, so I like to text back and forth with him a few times a day to make him laugh and keep him doing what he's doing.  I guess he does the same for me, come to think of it . . .

In any event, here it is:

1. The Pert (Plus) Spirt:
(n) When you squeeze the shampoo bottle right at climax to stimulate a monster load.

I damn near emptied the whole shampoo bottle with this morning's Pert Squirt! 
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Something wrong about using this pic, but whatever.  It's all wrong around here.

*It turns out there is already an urban dictionary definition for a pert squirt but it's stupid and doesn't make much sense.  All future additions should be approved by Big Business and the good Doctor . . . 

The Biz VS The Ken

Here's a text message conversation between myself and my good friend, Big Business, with topics ranging from the Chicago Bulls, cheerleaders, balls, and all kinds of other great stuff.

Dr. Ken: Watching the game online. Lovables r all grenades. They make up for their thunder thighs with their beat faces.

The Lovables are the Bulls cheerleaders.

Big Bizznazz: No. I like chunky chicks a lil' bit.

DK: I suppose I like them the way they r. That is just a little Midwest winter weight. I'd cuddle them all.

BB: Chubby ones tend to pay more attention to ball than skinny ones. Maybe the heavy ones feel like they have to?

BB: Like they sit and listen to their skinny friends say shit about not touching their boyfriend's nuts, and they figure if they do, they can get guys cuz skinny chicks aren't paying attention to the balls.



DK: Most attention to balls seems fleeting, just to say they did it, but I really like the ones out there who love a good bean bag.

BB: Oh yeah. The ones that treat it's a waffle cone and ice cream is dripping out of it.

BB: Like they move the wang out of the way just to get to the balls. Now, that's dedication to the balls.

DK: Haha! These girls got a lot of ass in those shorts. Like you can pull the shorts down slow and booty pops out of there like a magician's flowers.

BB: They're chunky, indeed. Like you can hear the shorts come off.

DK: Big Sexy used to pork 2 in the showers nightly. Both Bulls bigs had 15 or 16 boards.

Kurt "Big Sexy" Thomas played for the Bulls last season (seen below).

BB: Yeah. Double doubles are in recognition of the cheerleaders' behinds.

DK: Haha! In remembrance of Big Sexy's postgame shower ritual.

DK: He has Old Spice ejaculate.

BB: Big Sexy definitely ejaculates solid deodorant sticks.

This last part of the convo gets a little weird, but I know I laughed my ass off.

The Second Drunken Voicemail Post!

As always, be sure to pause the music player on the right so that you can make an informed decision.

"Fuck Pilsen!"

So, last night I went to see a band called Maritime at The Empty Bottle, and after many a 312 beer, we went to get burritos at The Burrito House. When we walk in, there are people milling around talking to the staff so I asked if they were ordering. They were not, but somehow a heavyset girl in a full soccer outfit felt a need to tell me that the quite beyond heavyset middle aged man with a beard and a sport coat they were with was a Pulitzer Prize winner. I didn't ask if he was, but, hey, that's great. When I'm a famous writer, I will demand that a chick in sports apparel talks me up to everyone within earshot, especially when I'm dining at 2 in the morning.

At first, when I heard how opinionated and annoying this fellow was, I suggested we sit as far away from him as we could, but the more I overheard, I just had to hear more awfulness! He was spouting off things like "Fuck Pilsen!" Pilsen is a neighborhood in Chicago. We never heard the meat of his arguments because we were laughing too hard and quoting lines from "Billy Madison" because he looked just like Principal Anderson, or The Revolting Blob, if you prefer his professional wrestling name.

The guy a table over from The Revolting Blob was sleeping. When we woke him up, he said, in a British accent "Yes, I need to make a left on Paulina." He was out of it. Probably got mugged later.

Then there were two guys perched at the counter, chatting up customers, and it appears as if they had come to the Burrito House to meet women. It's an interesting thought because women at that hour are perhaps drunk and desperate, but at that point they have chosen their stomachs over their vaginas, so it seems like getting to them a hair too late, no?

The thing about Big Business, is he makes me laugh constantly

when I'm around him. This morning my roommate told me that I woke her up when I got home because I was still laughing, and I continued to laugh intermittently through out the next day. I got a text from him this morning that read, "I wanted to explore that soccer girl. I bet her trench smelled like the floor of The Metro after a Pumpkins show." Trench! Okay, he's gross sometimes, but he's literally the funniest guy I know. So, if you want to honor him in your own way, order a Bizznizz Rocks (Vanilla Stoli and Diet Coke), and if you want to do me a favor, follow me around hanging on my every word and tell randoms about the Pulitzer I deserve for writing a shitty blog.

Big Business

I saw a friend last night who is the funniest guy I've ever known. He is a heavyset fellow with a thick Chicago accent, and anyone who meets him is laughing his/her ass off and waiting to hear what he will say next. I met him my freshman year of high school, and ever since he has been the most consistently funny person I have known, and I'm a pretty tough critic, being a fairly funny guy myself.

Here are some of his crowning achievements:

1. In the Earth Science class, we were handed out a worksheet with a heading of, "The Big Bang and the Day After." He whispered to me, "Hey, Ken. The big bang and the morning after." The teacher heard him and threw him out of the room.

2. When he got thrown out of class, he would make a giant blowfish face on the glass for everyone but the teacher to see.

3. We used to drive around together in his giant Buick listening to gangster rap, throwing McDonalds Playland balls at other moving cars, and tipping over portable toilets. This doesn't sound fun, unless you're Beavis or Butthead, but with this guy, it's a riot.

4. His nickname given to him by his work buddies is Big Business because he handles his damn business. When he hooks up with women of a heavy variety, he says they are "Business Class." He did so last night with one who was thick as a brick. God love him. Believe it or not, even if he is a heavy guy, the man is outstanding with the ladies. I had the post a couple blogs ago about needing a wingman in my newly single state, and this guy may be the guy. He works the room, fishes with a big net, and even if we don't have any success, we will always have fun together.

5. We had another teacher who Big Business used to drive nuts with his class clown antics, and one day when she asked where my book was, Business said, "He burned it." Without asking me if it was true, she called my dad to inform him that I had burned my Reading book. I get home, and my dad says, "So, you're burning books, huh?!"

6. During a bachelor party on a trolley, he pulled his pants down and pressed his butt cheeks up against the glass for a girl to see waiting at the bus stop. We all watched her as her glance slowly went towards that direction, and bam! She was horrified and looked away immediately. Hahahha! His brand of comedy sounds low brow, and sometimes it is, but he's actually highly intelligent and witty too.

7. His brother has struggled with drug addiction his whole life, and Business is basically raising his brother's two daughters, since his brother disappears for months at a time and steals stuff when he does come around. Those girls mean everything to Business. Okay, that wasn't an example of him being funny; just awesome.

There are a lot of qualities to a good friend, but one who can always keep you laughing is so important to me. Also, he's a guy who is there for you when you need him at the drop of a hat. Here's to you, Big Business. You're one of finest humans I'll ever know. I hoist a glass of your favorite drink, Vanilla Stoli and Diet Coke, in your general direction.