The other day Erik Noisewater was having one of those mornings where he was not at all helpful with the whole getting ready for school process. Everything was a no. He kicked and tried to squirm away as I dressed him, and then in the car he was laughing and straightening out his legs, intentionally making it impossible to buckle him into his car seat. I said, "Erik Noisewater, you're going to make me late and get me fired." Perhaps that was a touch dramatic on my end and not entirely fair to blame a toddler - I could have always gotten up 10 minutes earlier.

This is when he said, in a teasing voice, "Someone's going to get fi-red."

I stopped dead in my tracks and wondered why in the hell he would say such a thing to me, even if I deserved it.

A few minutes later on our drive it dawned on me that it was a quote from "Bumblebee," a Transformers movie that he has seen 9 times, and he applied the quote to the perfect circumstances. In the scene the female main star is working at a shop at the amusement park when she accidentally spills a tray of sodas all over the handsome popular guy's shirt. He doesn't even seem mad about it, and in fact sees it as a great opportunity to take his shirt off and show off his chiseled abs. However, evil popular blond blog girl says to her, "Someone's going to get fi-red." Later in the movie evil popular blond girl also teases her about her father being dead. I was kind of hoping Bumblebee would run her over, but he does stomp on her car, smushing it up like an accordion. So good enough. For now.

No, there aren't any love scenes - before you ask.

Bumblebee is actually an enjoyable film; the only of the live action ones worth watching in my opinion. It actually has a great soundtrack since it takes place in the 1980's. The girl's favorite band is The Smiths, so that was a pleasant surprise.

Be good, friends. And remember, sometimes when a kid gives you some shit, you just have to laugh and remember that you just may have had it coming.

Optimistic Prime

LSD and I went to an alumni party for the graduate school she is going to in California, and the rest of the new students they were welcoming were incoming undergraduates. I joked with her on the ride up that someone was going to think we were an undergraduate student's parents, and someone actually did ask us that. I don't think we look old enough to have an 18-year-old kid, but I was hungover and she was tired from a half-marathon. Still, that was a tactless question, and the guy with a lack of tact was my role at this function, damn it.

It was at someone's house, and they had lots of money. I'll never have a kitchen that big. Ever. There were some pretty awesome cookies with the school's mascot on them, so that was fun. Also, I started with two coke zeros, and then my mood really improved when I saw there were Heinekens in another cooler.

I met a mathematician, so I asked her if she heard the one about the constipated mathematician? You know, he worked it out with a pencil? Now, that's a disgusting joke that paints a really gross picture, but how often do I get a chance to use that joke?

We met a girl with the last name of Stream, so we'll say her name was Sandy Stream, and I told LSD on the ride home that she has a great pee-pee-porn name.

Maybe it's best for LSD's career that she get away from me for a little while . . .

On a serious note, we met a guy who seemed very sad for us that we're starting this long-distance relationship, but he seemed to like us and was optimistic, reminding us that two years when you're an adult goes by very fast. I'm trying to be optimistic too, like Optimistic Prime. I mean, I am a pretty awesome boyfriend for driving her to and from this event, and peppering conversations with uncomfortable comments. If I could turn into an 18-wheeler like Optimistic Prime, I'd drive all her stuff out there, turn into a robot for a bit, run around on the beach scaring the shit out of people, maybe even have an awesome tailgate party in the back.

Wait, what happened to the "serious note?" This will be a tough period, but she's the shit, I'm the shit, and together we're anything but shitty, so this just has to work. Thanks for reading, everyone.

Rule #34 Part 2: Making Time With Furniture and Horny Robots

Rule #34: Generally accepted internet rule that states that pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject (from urbandictionary.com).

The next two searches to look into the legitimacy of Rule #34 (see previous post for an explanation) proved just as fun as the first, but we came out of Google search number four with one loss, batting three for four. Remember to turn off the music player to the right before playing the tracks. Enjoy!

First off, Crom wanted to see what was out there in the way of "furniture f'ing." We were losing hope, but then Dr. Ken modified the search and came up with a young Asian woman in a room doing a broom, a chair, and apparently later a piano, somehow. We clicked away in the interest of time after the chair, but I'm a little curious to know how she got freaky with the piano and if she played a song with her . . .


Listen to track one here:


Next, Dr. Ken was curious to see if there was any porno out there with one of his childhood heroes, Transformer leader of the Autobots, Optimus Prime. Turns out, we were only able to find a Family Guy clip of him doing it, but Dr. Ken was hoping more for a live action clip of a guy with a costume, even if it was homemade, getting it on. We had to count this as a loss. It was our first taste of defeat, and sadly, it wouldn't be our last . . .

Listen to track 2 here:


What do you think so far, Seven Readers? Remember, after I post all ten clips, I will post a downloadable MP3 of the whole thing so that you can listen to this goofy crap on the train or in the car or wherever you like to listen to weird stuff like this.

More Than Meets the Eye

http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=2160&SectionID=3

Disclamer: I am posting a site about Transformers and The Gobots. Yes they are toys. I'm sorry if I am alienating some of my female readers or my readers that think they are too cool to talk about toys. Wait, I don't care about the too cool for toys people. You people suck! The rest of you, enjoy this link.

The link is to an article written on the phatphree.com. The guys on this site do a great job at writing humorous articles. I read one once written from the perspective of a hardass in a striped shirt going out to the bars - very funny stuff there. In this article, the author ranks the top 5 crappiest Transformers and Gobots.

- I tend to agree with his number 1. What kid would have fun playing with a robot that turns into a rock? That is like a cruel joke, like giving a kid a lump of coal in his/her stocking.

- I don't like Grimlock being number 5. I see his point about dinosaurs not being able to blend in on earth like a car could, for instance, but Grimlock is the shit. This guy must not have seen Transformers the movie 800 times like me, or the Canadian version with the handful of curse words, for that matter, because Grimlock is part of the reason that the movie kicks ass, well, that and Judd Nelson lending his vocal talents to portray Hotrod.

- I agree with his dissing of Perceptor too. Come on! A telescope?? On the show he was a pacifist, Green Peace, hippy who wouldn't shoot anyone. That is until the movie when he just up and starts shooting Decepticons like it was going out of style. I always wondered if that was because the writers didn't research the show's history, or if Perceptor just snapped like a disgruntled postal worker from endless days of looking at slides while all the cool Transformers ran around solving mysteries and getting in adventures.

Anyone have any thoughts? I promise I'll get back to writing about stuff more people can relate to, but I had to let my inner nerd shine, if only for a moment.