So I'm married with our first baby on the way, but did you guys know that I was married once before? It's true. I was actually married for a whopping 8 months before my wife at the time decided that she should start sleeping with a Chicago Cop. At the time I was totally devastated, but now I would like to thank that man. Not only does he risk his life every day, but he got me out of a horrible marriage. She and I couldn't be more wrong for each other, so he did us both a favor. He did my wife, and he did me a favor.  It's weird because at the time I was so messed up about it that I hated all cops as a result, but now I would shake his hand and thank him from the bottom of my heart. 

But back when that whole thing was going down with the ex, I was an absolute mess. I was losing weight and couldn't sleep. One friend saw me and said I looked like death. Thanks! He was right. I almost laughed, but I couldn't. I'm a man who loves comedy, but nothing could make me laugh at the time. "Da Ali G Show" was new on HBO during that time, and he was the only guy who could get me laughing. This was a major revelation. If I could start laughing again, I could be myself again. Ali G, Bruno, and Borat became my therapists.

The second part of the puzzle was meeting other women, and I couldn't even think about that. I was fixated on my failed marriage and my depression. I moved out of our apartment downtown and back with my parents in the suburbs. My parents are wonderful people, but I was losing my mind and had to get the hell out of there. I would work and sleep all week in the burbs and then pack up a backpack to stay back in Chicago all weekend with friends. I would try to talk to women, but I was not in a good place. They don't want to talk to the sullen brooding guy. When you get dumped and you're young and stupid, you don't think you'll ever meet anyone again. Then one night an amazingly hot Asian Indian chick struck up a conversation with me, and I got her number. I don't think anything tangible came of that, but it gave me the confidence I needed. I remember when I packed up my car with my handful of belongings to move back into the city, I thought to myself that I would meet plenty of women and would be just fine. I remember gazing at the skyline on my drive in, and it was the first time I was really optimistic. My thinking at the time was: This will be a new chapter in your life, Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. 

I went out to the burbs yesterday to visit my dad because my mom is out of town for the week, and driving back to the city on the very same highway that I did so many years ago, I saw the skyline and was reminded how I felt that day. Moments like that are why this is my favorite city in the world and why Chicago's skyline has been at the top of this blog for so long. Thanks for listening, friends. Ali G and Associates were relieved of their duties of their duties as therapists in 2005. That role has been filled by you, seven readers. Thanks for listening, and have yourself a super-duper weekend. 

I remember one of the first women I dated after my divorce was an artist from Los Angeles.  She was just getting out of something too, so we weren't too serious, we just drank gin and tonics, watched old movies in my bedroom and did the nasty.  One night she said that there was something I should know, and my heart dropped because I figured she was going to drop an H Bomb* on me.  Nope.  She just thought I should know that not too long ago she was addicted to crystal meth.  Oh, that's all?  What did I care?  She was an artist, for Christ's sakes.  They all did that for a while, right?  Let's just get back to the movies, gin, and boning.  Those were simpler times . . . 

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*H Bomb: When someone you are sleeping with tells you they have the herpes. 

The Liars Are Back!

I'm starting back up my Liars Club blog about funny stuff that I come across in Chicago along with 2 new contributors.  Be sure to come by to find out what the founding Liars have been doing.  Also, we could always use another contributor or two, so if you live or have ever lived in Chicago and would like to be a Liar, send me an email.

Now, I don't like being that guy who gives a link and doesn't provide a proper blog post so here goes:

Today I was telling some other fellas how Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian get a lot of attention for having giant disproportionate butts, but Nicki Manaj doesn't seem to get as much credit for having a rear end that is equally rotund.  This hardly seems fair.

Plus, that Nicki Minaj seems like a nice kid.

Yup.  That's a great deal of ass.

This is also a substantial rump.

But that is a gigantic hind quarters as well, right????

What do you think about all of this, Readers?  Is this a clear case of booty discrimination or something else all together?

2 Quick Theories On Dating . . .

I have this friend, and while I don't see him much these days, largely due to the fact that he has four kids and he's a quantum physicist or something or other, in his day he was quite the party type and mad genius.  Here are two ideas that he had that popped in my head today that I will now share with you, and I hope that they prove useful to you in your endeavors.

1. The thing to do is find a girl with a beautiful face who is a little overweight.  What's that?  You don't like the heavy types?  Just fuck her thin!  Okay, yes, it's a little crass, but this was a long time ago . . .

2. Any time you are nervous about talking to a pretty girl, just remember, even she poops, and sometimes . . . . Sometimes!  She has has diarrhea. 

When the Ring Card Girl Starts Kicking, Who Holds the Cards?

The very hot ring card girl for the UFC, Arianny Celeste, was arrested for domestic violence after kicking her boyfriend in the face with her high heeled shoe.  Apparently, while in a limousine, the two got into a fight over some text messages her boyfriend, Praveen Chandra, had sent to other women, prompting the face kick.  The argument continued back at their hotel room where Celeste contends he choked her and Chandra says she threw two vases at him.

What I don't get about couples like this is how after a night like this they could ever want to work things out.  Once I have been kicked directly in the face by a girl in a high heeled shoe, even if she looks like Arianny Celeste, we're done.  There is no rational explanation for that, and if I choke you, I should be dumped too - and arrested.

Arianny, leave the kicking to the professionals - you just carry the cards and keep looking good in your undies, and if this guy wants to choke women, maybe get one of your fighter friends to perform a proper choke on him. 

Very Superstitious Plumbers

I have this friend, I'm going to call him Plumber, and every time he comes out to the bars with me, he gets lucky with the ladies. He's a good looking guy, but I think when I'm out with him I force him to be more social because he can be shy. I'm fearless out there because I have a girlfriend, so what the hell do I care, right?

So, he had gone home with girls 2 straight times when he went out with me going into Saturday's outing. We were having a burger cook off at my place, and then the second we stepped out into the alley to go to the bars, the neighbor girls, who I don't even know, hollered at us to come join them on their garage deck. I thought it was unsafe move on their part, but luckily for them, Plumber and I are not rapists. We mingled with them for a while, one seemed interested in Plumber, he got her number, and she's been blowing him up ever since.

Then at the karaoke spot, we met a number of women. One had a tight dress that looked like tin foil, like a baked potato, but she wasn't very cool. Then another girl thought I was an MMA fighter, I think because she has seen me in the bar with my friend, Gung Ho who trains. I was too drunk to be clever enough to lie. Then there was a pair of girls we were chatting up, and while I ran interference on the not pretty one, at some point Plumber had a barroom make out deal with the pretty one. Boom!

You ever get superstitious about things when you were single?

I know there were certain shirts I was convinced were vagina deterrents, and I'd never wear them out. Some bars I would go to I would see friends having success, but I'd be like a damn leper in the joint. Then other shirts and other bars would be really consistent for me.

Anyone have anything along these lines they'd like to share?

So, I was taking a picture of some girls last night who were friends of friends . . .

. . . and one told me to hold the camera up high and point it downward, and because I was like 10 Corona's deep, I blurted out, "Oh, you mean to minimize the double chins. Gotcha." The first pic I took had 5 pissed off faces and one giving me the bird.

Then I had to split a cab with them downtown.

This uncomfortable foot-in-the-mouth moment has been brought to you by Summer's Eve.