Anyone ever hear "'Da Butt" by E.U.?  I heard it on my bike ride home from work today and started laughing my ass off at this line: "If you get that notion get your backfield in motion."

I'm going to say something right now: That is singlehandedly the best line ever about American football, booty shaking, or combinations thereof.

The minute I got home I added it to our wedding playlist.  This was a point of contention, but to compromise I'm going to give the d.j. a time to fade it out midway through the song, likely just after that backfield line . . .

Another Damn Bar Tale?

Last night after watching the Chicago Bears lose in terrible touchdown-less fashion, Oates, HLP, Cliff, and myself went to another bar for a few nightcaps.  We started getting friendly with some girls who were in there, and I remember putting on one girls' sweatshirt that was really snug on me and had glitter.  I like that feeling of tight clothes clinging tightly to me, like I'm getting a prolonged hug, so I just left it on for an hour or so like a total jackass.

For some reason, perhaps because a Michael Jackson song came on, another chick in there said she could do the moonwalk perfectly.  I expressed my doubt that she could, so we agreed that if it was good, I would buy her a drink.  She took her shoes off and did a pretty crappy, white moonwalk for a few of us to see.  I told her I was not that impressed because when Michael did it, it was faster and it looked like he was levitating, and when he did it for the first time at the Grammy's, we all lost our minds.  So, she yelled at me, said I was just some idiot in a girls' sweatshirt, and I'm pretty sure she called me a fag.  So, I just laughed my ass off at how angry she got over a stupid moonwalk, and that just made her more mad.

It should have looked a hell of a lot more like this:

 

Gancing

It occurred to me that I’m four entries into my blogspot and I’m yet to explain the title of the page. What is gancing you may ask? It is a term that a friend of mine came across somewhere, but while whatever publication it was coined the term, I believe my friends and I have perfected it, and indeed made it an art form.

Gancing is when two or more guys are dancing, essentially with each other, with no girls around. Hence, the “g” in the word stands for gay. Hold on, I’m not saying this is something that you see at a gay club. That’s a whole different animal. An animal which I don’t have as much knowledge about, and of course, the lack of knowledge does not stem from intolerance or fear, but just a lack of interest in hairy assholes, or guys assholes in general, regardless of hair. In any event, the type of dancing that gay men do, and they probably dance a hell of a lot better than my friends and I, is done with the intention of hooking up with his dance partner, while ours is to hook up with girls.

How does one hook up with girls by dancing with his male friends you may be asking yourself? It takes a lot of patience, but simply keep dancing with your friends as if you don’t have any interest in hooking up with girls. You are just there to dance and have a good time with your friends, which is what girls always say they are doing. That is bullshit and it’s bullshit when we do it, because of course in the back of our minds men and women want to meet someone, but the trick is to LOOK like you don’t. Then the women say, “Wow, would you look at those guys! They are so much fun!! I want to hang out with THEM!” What they won’t ever say is, “Hey, look at that brooding, depressed guy standing off to the side. I want to rock his world!!” Of course you can still be the brooding depressed guy on the inside, but the trick is projecting an image of a fun guy to the people around you.

Now a problem may arise if a girl thinks to herself, “Jeez, I don’t remember seeing this many openly gay men in this bar . . .” Now that’s a problem if they think that. I didn’t say this approach is fool proof, and I don’t as of yet have a solution for this particular dilemma. I have to say though, if you’re dancing well enough that girls think you are gay then you are gancing all WRONG! The gancer must say to the people around him, “I can’t dance for shit, but I don’t let that stop me from gancing the night away!!” You go from casual gancer to PROFESSIONAL gancer when you actually ARE having fun and are no longer feigning enthusiasm when you gance. This can be done through going out with the right people, the right blend of loud mouth soup, the right place, and most importantly, the right music. If you actually ARE feeling the song and having a good time, then your gancing is no longer a cheap ploy to get girls, it actually IS what you want to be doing at that time, and when this happens more girls believe that a dancing with your male friends is all you want to do. When you get in a groove like this just keep it going with the occasional survey of the room to look for pockets of girls who may be lancing (hmmm, that’s a new one) and especially you need to keep your eyes pealed for everyone’s favorite band of bad decision making lancers (the term is growing on me), the bachelorette party.

So, I say to the gancers of the world. Gance! Gance like you’ve never ganced before. Gance, damn it!