Boys Don't Cry

I busted out crying out of nowhere in a diner late Friday night. It was a combination of a scary doctor experience, a really sad thing going on at work, and far, far too many cheap Mexican beers. It was in front of Gancey Girlfriend, and I was a little embarrassed, it being the first time I ever broke down in front of her. But then it occurred to me that I haven't cried at all in the two years I've been with her, not even alone. Is that unusual?

I found a statistic online that said men cry, on average, 1.4 times per month. I don't think that's right. I mean, a lot of men well up with tears when they watch their favorite male tear jerker like Brian's Song, but as far as full-on weeping? It's pretty rare, I think.


How often do you cry? If you're a female, how often does a male close to you cry? Is okay for men to cry, and can you put a number to it, or does it have more to do with the intensity of the bawling?

For the record, Gancey Girlfriend was extremely supportive and understanding, which is awesome, cause if I saw a guy who looked like me blubbering into his eggs at a diner, I'd have flung hash browns at him.

Billy Blanks in a Questionable Move

I was watching a Billy Blanks kickboxing aerobics video, not participating, just watching, and I saw him put his hand on a female participant's hind quarters and say, "Look at that ass! That ass is rock hard!"

What do you think? Is that sexual harrassment? Can you think of a time where one can totally get away with perving/harrassing?

Thoughts That Went Through My Head as an Asian Indian Guy Was Feeling My Nuts

My doctor found a lump in my ball sack today, and it's probably just a harmless cyst or something - but it scared the living shit out of me. Here's what ran through my head . . .

"I haven't accomplished anything in this life. I've been putting off writing my next play for way too long, and it will never get done. If we continue to put things off, our goals, our dreams, then we are wasting the precious life that we are granted. Shit, all I've done is try to stay out of debt and get drunk on the weekends. That's it. I don't see my family nearly enough, I don't tell them how much I love them nearly enough, and I don't don't do nice things for them out of the blue nearly enough.

Where is Gancey Girfriend when I need her? Would if my screwed up balls kill me or make me sterile? Her and I will never get to make those tall good lookin' babies we're always talking about. Gosh, I love her. I need to be better to her. I just want to hug her, and she'll tell me everything is okay. She'll rub my head and say, 'It's okay, Dr. Ken. Your nuts are just fine. You're not going to die cause I won't let you because you're the sexiest man alive, lumpy nuts or not.' I really do need her, and I need that hug. I wonder if this doctor would let me hug him right quick. You know, I really trust this guy. He's the awesomest doctor ever. When I had that horrible, horrible diahrea where I thought I was going to die, where even water was getting rerouted to my butt somehow, he told me to just drink a ton of Gatorade, and voila! It came out my dick hole like it should! This guy's smart. He'll take care of my nuts."

PS- There's a far less serious post below this one. Try to comment on both if you're in the commenting mood because I'm doing 2 a day still when I publish to get caught back up to 365 in 365. XOXO - Dr. Ken.

Top 5 Songs To Play as You Drive Into a Terrible, Terrible Neighborhood in the West Side of Chicago to Work Every Monday and Alternating Tuesdays*

5. "Let Me Ride" by Dr. Dre: Dre was rollin' in his 6-4, I'm rollin' in a piece of shit Camry, but either way, when I hear this one in the hood, I feel like I have 16 switches, sounds for the bitches, and hollow points for the snitches. I have no idea what I would do with all those switches . . .


4. "Real Muthaphuckkin G's" by Eazy E: I love that this record came out claiming that another guy (Dr. Dre) was fronting as a gangster and he was a real gangster. Only in the 90's . . .


3. "Now I Feel Ya" by Scarface: Scarface became a really smooth, intelligent rapper after some of his more manic, insane, hateful stuff he did with the Geto Boys, but that hateful stuff has merit too.


2. "The Message" by Grand Master Flash and the Furious Five Featuring DJ Melle Mel and Duke Bootee: I hear this one, and I just wonder who those people are "pissin' on the stairs." I mean, come on, maybe you don't have a pot to piss in, but do your business somewhere that isn't a safety hazard!


1. "In the Ghetto" by Elvis Presley: This one makes me laugh my ass off when I drive by the same dudes every morning with their burning trash can, mini grill, and tents. I want to play hookey one day, and join them with this playlist on repeat. Wonder what they cook? . . .

What Critter Would You Shtupp?

I was at a bar not too long ago, and somehow, I'm never sure exactly how, we got talking about what animal we would fornicate. We're talking you have to do it, like your family is in danger if you don't run over there and hump that rhino, your whole family is offed execution style. I'll now give you the results, protecting their anonymity, as no one wants to be known as a monkey fucker, or whatever the case may be.


1. 23-year-old Female: Horse. Ouch! Later she said that she meant she would "F" the horse, but no, there are no use of strap-ons. That doesn't count! I never got another answer.


2. 24-year-old Female: Octopus. She liked the idea of tentacles all over various parts of her a body; she likes a multitasker.





3. 35-year-old Male: Hippo. "Big, wide ass" he said, demonstrating the width of the hippo's hands with his massive hands.

4. 32-year-old Male: Dolphin. "They're always smiling, they're the only known animal to have sex for pleasure, and nailing a dolphin would be somehow . . . beautiful."

5. 27-year-old Male: Human. "A human being is an animal." Booooooo! That was cheap!

6. 25-year-old Male: Dolphin. He then sited the same random statistic the other guy said about the dolphin having sex for pleasure, despite not being there for that conversation. This excited the previous subject who then drunkenly blurted out, "We're breaking into Sea World and fucking dolphins!"

7. 23-year-old Male: Monkey. "They're the closest to humans." Is that really better? I think I'd rather have something furthest removed once I'm out of the realm of humans, as I've been with some at the brink of exiting that realm.


8. 26-year-old Female and Bartender: Cat. She did not have time to elaborate, but I guess she's a cat person. We elaborated for her, speculating that it may be good to have your cat declawed before attempting this, unless that element of danger gets you going.

What is the point of this exercise you may ask? Well, ask yourself, is there not a difference between a girl who wants to be titillated by the various extensions of the delicate octopus and the one who wants to be railed by a big, hulking horse? I'd say so.

How about you, Seven Readers? Which animal would you make love to, and why?

And remember, there's a blog below posted moments ago, so try to get by and comment on that one too (still posting two a day to get caught up). Thanks!

It's Almost Painless!

I was waiting to get my haircut in an extremely crabby stated due to being three days deep going cold turkey off of caffeine, and I was listening to an annoying young lady talking to who I think was her mother - much to my dismay with my inability to tuner her out, she said this:

"Yes, I'm going to the W Hotel on Lakeshore Drive. They are supposed to have the most painless Brazilian in Chicago."

K. Good to know.

The NBA Finals Finally Needs a Name

The Super Bowl!

The World Series!

These are really important sounding names, right? And then, the NBA Finals. How boring, right? They deserve a better name, especially since it's arguably the finale in which the best team truly wins, in that in baseball the team that happens to get hot at the end of the season usually pulls it out, and in football any team can win on any given Sunday (they need to play a best of three or something). And in hockey . . . who the F cares?

So, Seven Readers, what should they call it?

PS: There's another blog below where I need your input. I'm blogging two a day to get caught up to still make that 365 blogs in 365 days thing. Thanks!

November First

While at the bar watching the Bears win a meaningless game over the Browns, one of my buddies said that he loves the day after Halloween because it's the best day of the year for walk of shames. He saw a disheveled girl at ten in the morning trying to hail a cab dressed as a sexy, female Harry Potter. Priceless!

This is where you come in, Seven Readers: What should we call this day of walk of shames?

It's Moving, Amazing, But God Damn Disheartening . . .

. . . to watch Angels in America, written for the stage by Tony Kushner and adapted to the screen in an HBO miniseries a number of years back. I watched all but the final episode when it aired, and now that it's On Demand, I rewatched the whole thing, only this time I was watching more from the perspective of a writer, hence the disheartening. It's just so damn good. I wanted to find a quote from where Pryor was discretely trying to tell Meryl Streep's character how his erections could tip him off of an upcoming visit from the angel, but I couldn't find it. Instead, I'll paste you a section from the only time my two favorite characters meet. Pryor, the one dying of AIDS who believes he is a prophet, and Harper, the pill popping wife of a closeted gay mormon husband. The two meet in a joint hallucination though they have never met . . .

Harper Pitt: I don't understand this. If I didn't ever see you before, and I don't think I did, then I don't think you should be here in this hallucination because in my experience the mind which is where hallucinations come from shouldn't be able to make anything up that wasn't there to start with that didn't enter it from experience from the real world. Imagination can't create anything new can it? It only recycles bits and pieces from the world and reassembles them into visions. Am I making sense right now?

Prior Walter: Given the circumstances, yes.

Harper Pitt: So when we think we've escaped the unbearable ordinariness and, well, untruthfulness of our lives it's really only the same old ordinariness and falseness rearranged into the appearance of novelty and truth. Nothing unknown is knowable.

Don't OVERDO the Dew

Caron Butler, an all-star NBA Basketball player for the Washington Wizards just gave up drinking Mountain Dew. He was up to six cans a day, and he lost eleven pounds after quitting. The man had to have one right before bed! When he finally quit, he was having withdrawal symptoms and said those first two weeks without the disgusting soda in his system were the roughest two weeks of his life. You don't believe me? Read this.


He was even knocking back two before games and some more at halftime. How could he shoot free throws like that? Wouldn't he be all jittery? And how did his teeth not rot out of his head with all that sugar?

Well, at least it's not real gangsta shit like coke and hookers. Nope. Just sodie-pop. : )

What's one of your stupid addictions, readers?