Below is a video of a crack head going poo in a bucket in my backyard and trying to break into my landlord's house.

(Notice the lack of wiping? Maybe all he was going to take if he broke in was some toilet paper . . .)

Mrs. Noisewater found the video on some guy's blog (not mine).  My landlord is a part time cop and has cameras everywhere, so he posted this video up on a crime watch site.  It quickly went viral.  Suddenly the Chicago Police Department wanted to find this guy.  Turns out he lives in Elgin, Illinois, and although CPD couldn't locate him, my landlord made a few calls and he was brought in.  Turns out that because of his now famous "shitty" break in attempt video, he was identified by someone else a few blocks down who chased him out of his apartment that poopy-pants broke into weeks earlier.  Evidently this guy comes out to the city for concerts, gets horribly drunk and full of crack, and starts breaking into apartments.

You want to know what's really weird?  We had a big BBQ in the very courtyard pictured in that video.  I remember that white bucket next to me while I was manning the grill.  When I left for work this morning, I noticed the bucket was gone.  No sense in washing that one out once someone has taken a crack-dump in it, right?

Because I'm such a clever pain in the ass, I wrote a little joke in the memo section.  My landlord is a good dude, so I think he will appreciate it.  It read:

#oneguyonebucket.com

Betting On Cow Poop. Because Why Not? That's Why.

I was out with a buddy the other night who says that at the small college he attended in California they apparently bet on cow poop.  My understanding is they send a cow out onto a field, and people bet money on which square foot of land the cow will choose to shit on.  So, it's kind of like craps.  No, it's more like roulette in format, but it does involve crap.

But hold on.  I got lots of questions.

     1. Could you bet on two to four squares that the cow could crap on at once, seeing as cow pies can be quite big.

     2. Do you think all the people hollering at the cow could make her clam up and tighten up her sphincter, thus messing up the game?

     3. Would if the cow releases all of its payload before it is sent out into the betting field?

     4. What is this game called?

     5. Do you think they put a little visor on the cow like a roulette dealer?  Because that would be adorable.

Unfortunately I haven't had any of these questions answered due to my buddy's only vague recollections of this practice and there seemingly being nothing about it on the internet.  Please let me know in the comments section if you know anything about this.

Also, below is the second installment of the best naked scenes in movie history podcast list that myself and Crom compiled.  We really upped the video production for this one, since we learned more what the hell we're doing.

So, poop and boobs today.  In that order.

Him: Hey, babe.  You almost done in there?  Because I gotta poo like a mastodon.

Her: Yikes.

Him: Wait, what's a mastodon again?  A minotaur is half man and half bull, and a centaur is a half man and half horse . . .




Her: A mastadon is a giant, hairy elephant thing.

Him: Oh yeah.  That's what I gotta' poo like so hurry up in there.

High Dive. Bomb's Away!!

If you have been reading this thing for a while, you know that I don't hide from you the fact that I drink and make bad decisions.  This started at an early age.  I was by my mom and dad's house yesterday, and when I drove past the private pool around the corner from them, I said to myself, "Oh yeah, that's the pool I used to break into for a swim at 2AM when I was drunk."  Now, that sounds like something a lot of kids do, but alone?  That's just weird.  And even worse is that I took dumps in the pool, which is just thoughtless because someone would have to start their morning cleaning up the dump that I should have taken in a perfectly good toilet.  One step worse is that I pooped off the high dive, which is a challenge to dangle your butt off the edge, twenty feet in the air, and then jump over your own poop.  I was more agile in those days but just as stupid. 

Someone found it.

I wish I could say I have grown up a lot since then.  I have, but it has taken a long, long time.  This Friday I didn't go out drinking at all, and then Saturday I got tired and went home early (for me), and I feel pretty good; might even make it to the gym, where I will swim and not poop. 

Destroy

Some mornings I listen to these DJ's in Chicago named Sherman and Tingle because they're funny, and they have a guy named Paul the Perv who gives me the traffic times in a Buffalo Bill voice from Silence of the Lambs. The other day, for whatever reason, Sherman, or maybe it was Tingle, was saying that every holiday his grandma takes a dump in the bathroom and stinks it up to all hell. What killed me about it was how he said it: "She goes in there and just destroys!"

That's a great way to say it, and the doctor urges you to use that word in that sense by the end of the week.

That's Doctor's orders.

Zoo sells $20,884 in reindeer dropping ornaments

BLOOMINGTON, Ill. (AP) — Bloomington's Miller Park Zoo has raised $20,884 this holiday season selling necklaces and ornaments made from reindeer droppings.
The zoo had such success last year selling Christmas ornaments made of the reindeer droppings that they started making jewelry this year. The droppings are dime-sized, dehydrated, sterilized and spray-painted with glitter. They're called "Magical Reindeer Gems."

The Miller Park Zoological Society says this year they made about 300 necklaces and more than 2,000 ornaments. Society spokeswoman Susie Ohley says the money will go to help the city-owned zoo.

The last ornaments were sold Sunday, but Ohley says the items will be available in the zoo gift shop again next year.

Copyright 2009 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Would if reindeer could reason and talk? What do you think they'd have to say about humans turning their poop into jewelry and selling it to other stupid humans?