The Boot

A buddy of mine was in a relationship for a long time in which he was having "the sex" around once or twice a year.  Newly single, he is ravenous out there, taking home women of all shapes and sizes and telling us all about it.  I must say, every time I say him on a Sunday during a Bears game, he shares some hilarious information about one of his recent encounters, the funniest of which would be the following:

He got down with one gal recently, and apparently the act was less than enjoyable for him based on this description of what it felt like to go in there:

"It felt like doing it with a fireman's boot full of warm, spoiled mayonnaise."

Let that soak in for a moment.  Like the mayonnaise.

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How about you, Seven Readers?  Got any friends who became suddenly single, and it's totally weird hearing about them dating?  

I remember one of the first women I dated after my divorce was an artist from Los Angeles.  She was just getting out of something too, so we weren't too serious, we just drank gin and tonics, watched old movies in my bedroom and did the nasty.  One night she said that there was something I should know, and my heart dropped because I figured she was going to drop an H Bomb* on me.  Nope.  She just thought I should know that not too long ago she was addicted to crystal meth.  Oh, that's all?  What did I care?  She was an artist, for Christ's sakes.  They all did that for a while, right?  Let's just get back to the movies, gin, and boning.  Those were simpler times . . . 

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*H Bomb: When someone you are sleeping with tells you they have the herpes. 

2 Quick Theories On Dating . . .

I have this friend, and while I don't see him much these days, largely due to the fact that he has four kids and he's a quantum physicist or something or other, in his day he was quite the party type and mad genius.  Here are two ideas that he had that popped in my head today that I will now share with you, and I hope that they prove useful to you in your endeavors.

1. The thing to do is find a girl with a beautiful face who is a little overweight.  What's that?  You don't like the heavy types?  Just fuck her thin!  Okay, yes, it's a little crass, but this was a long time ago . . .

2. Any time you are nervous about talking to a pretty girl, just remember, even she poops, and sometimes . . . . Sometimes!  She has has diarrhea. 

I was on a date with this girl, second date, and I'm going to keep this brief because I'm sleepy and it's a school night, and before she got there I was waiting to get a drink at the bar where this annoying guy was holding court with his poor unsuspecting friend, who was feeling the onslaught of horribleness. Sadly, I came in right at the start of an anecdote where he was saying that Faulkner was holding a lecture in his late seventies, and some guy asked where he gets inspired to write. According to this yahoo, Faulkner gave him some entirely sarcastic response about getting inspired every day around 1PM like clock work, at which time he has a shot of Bourbon and yada, yada, yada.

The whole while the guy with him is throwing in the occasional "yeah," "wow," and "okay," and then without missing a beat or giving the other guy a chance to change the subject, brutal guy says, "Faulkner was saying that he just worked harder than the other guys, he just wrote. It's like if you want to be the best guitar player ever, if you're like (some guy I've never heard of, and that's saying something because I know almost everyone worth a damn), you have to play like all the time. Now, let's say, with you, you want to be the best mixed martial artist . . . "

Now wait just a God damn minute. This guy is an MMA fighter? No wonder he's so damn bored with your Faulkner stories. Holy hell! This guy sucked butt.

However, the date went well. She's super funny and cool and smart. We'll see how it goes, but that guy . . . Yikes. What a doucher.

Good night.

Storytelling Podcast 2 of 4: Speed Dating/Turbo Loving

In Crom's story, he tells the gang about the time he tried out speed dating, where you go from one table to another trying to meet people, but something was a little fishy about the whole operation. So, Crom, Dr. Ken, Beatnik, and L.C. plot their revenge against the Russian mobsters who run these speed dating events.



L.C. argues that speed dating should be a little more like playing Plinko on "The Price Is Right."

Of course, the word of the day, sump pump, was used just under the wire. Phew! So, Turbo Lovers, download the MP3 by clicking on the play button on the bottom or just listen by clicking on the word play in the middle of the player below, but if you do that, remember to turn off the music player on my blog, to the right.
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Songs Used:
1. "Medley: Just a Gigalo/I Ain't Got Nobody" by David Lee Roth
2. "Hey Ladies" by The Beastie Boys
3. "Young Lust" by Pink Floyd
5. "Turbo Lover by Judas Priest

Set Ups

When you're single and people think you're not a psycho and a decent human, women are wanting to set you up with their friends all the time. This usually isn't good because it makes you feel like you're going to disappoint someone if you don't hit it off with the friend.

So, the other day we're having lunch at work, and one of my coworkers says she has the perfect girl for me. Luckily, my good friend was on the scene with some valuable information, and he said, "You try to set her up with everyone, so what's wrong with her? Is she desperate? Plus, she's not that great looking. I've been out with Dr. Ken, and he gets tens.*" Then the female coworker countered with, "She is, too, pretty. I mean, Dr. Ken, you're not going to hear "Who's That Lady?" when she walks in the room."

But I want to hear "Who's That Lady"; that's just it.

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*I don't get tens. Plus, I don't want to date tens because really, really hot women have Hot Girl Entitlement Issues (HGETs), they have a warped sense of reality because everyone treats them extra nice their whole lives, and they're hit on all the time, so you're fighting off every penis in the room with a stick. But, I'm a little ashamed to admit that I like that feeling of walking into a room with the prettiest girl under my arm, and it's nice to be loved by a beautiful woman as opposed to a so-so one. Let's face it: I'm dying alone.

On a First Date, Don't Talk About Any Exes, and Don't Talk About Pissing Yourself

Finding myself single and reentering the dating scene has been equal parts weird, embarrassing, fun, exciting, awful, and scary. However, nothing has been quite as bad as a story a friend of mine recently relayed to me (same friend as this post).

Apparently, she had her first phone conversation with a guy from a dating site, and he asked her what her most embarrassing moment was. She said that she couldn't really think of one off the top of her head, and she asked what his would be. This is the time where, on their first conversation, mind you, he decided it would be a good idea to tell her about the time he was on a date with a girl where they were watching a very long movie, and he had to pee really bad but didn't want to miss anything - so he pissed his pants. Surprisingly, the girl on that date never called him again.

It gets worse. On my friend's date with this guy, he told yet another story in which he was at a bar with a long line for the bathroom, and he pissed his pants on that occasion too. Wow.

Anyone want to share an embarrassing date story? I'll level with you guys, since we're all friends here: I went on a date with a girl where there was free beer at a bar involved, somehow, and when she showed up I had maybe a little too good of a free buzz going. She said she had to go to the bathroom and disappeared. Maybe she was just scared she was falling in love with me. Right? That was my understanding of it.

Tall, Dark, and Useful?

I’m dating this girl who makes me feel useful. She is a beautiful, intelligent woman who was born in Hong Kong and moved here in 1997. For starters, she missed the 1980’s! I have so much to teach her about tight-rolled jeans, jelly shoes, The Superbowl Shuffle, Bananarama, and Kajagoogoo. The following are some slightly more important things I’ve helped her with, taught her, or plan on teaching her:

1. Because she doesn’t have a car, nor does she know how to drive, I convinced her to buy a bike. I know a lot about them, so I was able to accompany her to the bike shop, which helped her, but annoyed the salesperson, who I foiled in her attempt to push everything in the store on her. “How about a light? A bell? A bolt to keep your seat on? A $60 lock? How about surface to air missles?”

2. I plan on teaching her to drive. I think I’d be good at this job, since I’m so patient. For the time being, I feel useful in that I can drive her places, since I have a car and know how to drive it.

3. Today I helped her pick out a handbag. She was all set to buy a $700 one, when I suggested we go to Bucktown and look in a shop that just sells bags, a shop I got the name of from a friend, since I knew they would be of good quality, potentially less expensive, and more unique. She liked a couple, but I could tell she wasn’t nuts about either of them, so I suggested we go down the street to a store called Stitch, which specializes in leather products. Sure enough, she fell in love with a bag, and I like it too. It’s somehow sexy, because it almost looks like a leather skirt. It’s interesting, but not gaudy. Maybe she can return the favor by decreasing my talk of handbags, and increasing my talk about sports, thus making me far less flaming. Until the Cubs give me something to talk about that doesn’t make my blood boil, I will continue to talk of fierce (with a lisp) handbags.

4. I plan on teaching her how to play volleyball. She will be worthy of being my double’s partner by the end of the summer. I’ll whip balls in her face, see previous post, if that’s what it takes.

5. Perhaps most importantly, I am making her watch all the original Star Wars films. We just finished Empire, and she had NO idea Darth Vader was Luke’s father. I must give her props, since after watching Darth use the dark side of the force to choke the 2nd or 3rd general, she wondered why anyone would want to be promoted, thus having to work more closely with the boss who gets frustrated and kills muthafuckas. A valid point, and an interesting notion I had not previously entertained. I know the picture is of him choking a GOOD guy by HAND, but I couldn't find any of him using the force to do it, and let's face it, pictures of him simply pointing his fingers aren't as menacing. Very nerdy of me to clarify that, but If you want to see some REAL Star Wars nerds, check these guys out: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=672422470842718521

I would be remiss if I did not add that she is a rad chick in ways other than I can teach her things. In fact, there are a lot of things she has taught me in the short time I’ve known her. Okay, I’m going to get some sleep so I can be “usefull” at work tomorrow.

Online Dating Part 2

A good friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, read my blog and sent me a terrific email. So, I felt obliged to post it on my website, with her permission of course. I think the female perspective helps. Thanks, friend that shall remain nameless. Enjoy:

I was just complaining about the EXACT same thing to a friend of mine
yesterday, except with changing the word "ladies" with "guys."
Seriously. They ALL write the exact same thing. They all have a
sarcastic/dry sense of humor, like to travel, love their families and
friends, are up for going out or staying in ... They all like
intelligent women with a sense of humor who, you guessed it, like to
travel, are close to their family, and are up for going out or staying
in.

The picture section is even worse. I would like to send all guys on
that thing a list of what not to post.

Do not post

1) A picture of you in front of some European cathedral, to prove to
me that you like to travel, in which you are 2 centimeters big.
Everyone and their moms backpacked across Europe in their 20s, and
that cathedral looks like every other cathedral in Europe. And I
still have no idea what you look like, and that makes make me think
you don't want me to know.

2) (I know you did this, because you told me so, so forgive me) A
picture with your niece/nephew/daughter/son/random child to prove to
me you like kids. Yes, I get it. There are billions of these.

3) A picture of yourself without your shirt on. No. One dude who
winked at me was even lying down on a bed posing. In fact, there was
a SERIES of photos of him on/beside the bed without his shirt on. I
wish I was kidding. (Along with this is a picture of you with a
tank-top/muscle shirt on ... Guess what? Those went out in nineteen
eighty-something ... Wait, those were never in. You make me worry
that if I scroll down, you will be wearing zoobas.)

4) A picture of your dog/cat/fish/horse. I don't care.

5) A picture of cars you like. Seriously, don't do this. Some guy
who looked like a cross between Joe Piscopo and Rambo and winked at me
and had Ferraris in his photo section. No.

6) A picture with two buxom women on either arm. I cannot believe how
many guys do that. Is it to prove you could get women if you really
wanted to? That you're a ladies' man? It's even better when they
scratch out their faces in a very scary manner.

7) An outright bad photo. I know not everyone is photogenic. I, for
one, can't take a good picture to save my life. But there HAS to be
one better than some these guys post.

Anyway, to answer your question, the experience has been a big bust
for me. I'm glad I'm only signed up for a month. I am quite popular
with the out-of-state divorced 40-year-old father of 2. Oh, and
incredibly short dudes with no college degrees. The normal looking
guys I wink at want nothing to do with me, which really hasn't done
very good things to my self-esteem.

In conclusion, I am going to die alone.

Have a great day!

Online Dating Part 1

I’m going to make a confession: I dabble in online dating. Hey, there are millions of people doing it. Allow me to paraphrase what every loser writes on their page to justify being blatantly lonely enough to try this endeavor: “I just wasn’t meeting the quality of people I’m looking for in the bar scene.” How about, “I’m just so busy during the week, that I don’t have time to meet people.” Better yet, “I was holding out for a long time, but my friend has been begging me to sign up, and here I am.” Please accept any one of those horrible excuses, and we’ll simply move onto uncovering the embarrassing world that is online dating.
I’ve only been on 5 or 6 dates, and I’ve been signed up for over a year. I’m sure you’re thinking I’m being overly picky, but if you saw some of the women that email me, you’d understand. Sometimes I’d like to email back one of these unfortunate looking, young ladies and say, “I didn’t know Trolls really existed! Isn’t there a bridge you should be under right now, or do you get a wireless signal under your bridge.” Okay, so I don’t get the random emails from attractive ones, but I do find lots of pretty ones when I sort through the profiles. Pretty ones with anything INTERESTING to say in their profile, now that’s a different story. Allow me to list some boring elements that I guarantee a profile picked at random will have at least one of:

“I really like to travel” – I do too, but I can’t fucking afford it. I can love it all I want, but let’s face it; my salary only allows me to do so much. Well, hope she likes the Wisconsin Dells! I know a guy that can get us the best bench at Paul Bunyan’s, so we can share a romantic flapjack meal.

“My family and friends are very important to me” - I want the one that says she’s alienated and estranged from her family, and the split has to do with a horrific incident that she’s only able to talk about through hypnosis. It would be scary, but at least be interesting . . .

“I want a man that’s confident but not cocky” – You rarely come across the gal saying she’s looking for an arrogant prick of a man that picks a bunch of fights with strangers.

“I enjoy going out, but I also like staying in” - Doesn’t everyone love those two things? If you did just one or the other you’d either be a raging alcoholic or a hermit. I think we all strike that balance, honey.

I think the reason for the boring female profiles is that men are under the gun to be funny and witty all the time, and online dating is no exception. When I get an email or a wink (how nerdy is that) from someone, they are usually interested in the picture or something they found funny on the profile. I’m almost always interested solely in the picture, then I frantically skim through the profile for something mildly interesting to comment on, and if I don’t find it interesting, I fake it, like this, “Wow! I like to travel too, usually with my family, who is so very important to me. I love going out almost as much as I love to stay in, but if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s cocky men. Damn those cocky bastards . . .” Am I lying when I say these things? Of course I am. The whole world of online dating is based on lying, which I think will be the topic of my next blog. Stay tuned . . .