Mergasm

I had a boner dream the other night.  It wasn't a full on wet dream because I'm too old for those.  I would wager those rear their messy heads somewhere between once every four or five years these days.  A boner dream falls short of those.  It's one where you're on the verge of eruption when you wake up.  Hell, those only seem to cum (come) around once a year or so now that I think about it.

My morning was 10% as sexy as this.

Now, I don't really have a problem with a stiff wake up call on a Thursday morning, but what I do take issue with is that what was happening in the dream was simply me having a wank in my apartment.  Is that the best my brain's run down dream factory could come up with?  Dreams can do anything they want - they can fly me to Jupiter - but what am I doing?  Pulling myself off with my pants around my ankles in my dusty Chicago apartment.  The foreman at my dream factory needs to be fired.

A dream factory within a perfect mind could have had me at a fashion show where the supermodels would walk down the catwalk, backstage to me on a bearskin rug where I'm naked and smoking a pipe, she does the nasty with Doctor Ken, puts on a new outfit and parades back to the catwalk, just in time for a new one come to come backstage, and so forth.  And that's just off the top of my head!

"Take a quick bow and hurry back to the bearskin rug."

As a matter of fact, my boner dream could have taken me to a mythical land of insatiable creatures.  Dr. Ken could have been lying happily in a forest with ferries fluttering around his face, landing gently on his face, when a mermaid comes by.  Or a unicorn.  Hell, make it a winged mermaid princes with a big glowing horn jutting out of her head like a unicorn.  Somehow she rocks that horn; She owns it and makes it sexy.  She saunters over to me horny as hell, tells all the little ferries to piss off, mounts me, grinds away, and her wings are flapping in ecstasy.  Soon she is getting worked up enough to make her horn glow bright red and offers to do crazy horn penetration with me, but I politely tell her I'm not quite ready to take that plunge with her.  But maybe when I get to know her better.

This was the afternoon the woman of my dreams was conceived.

After hours and hours she finally has a powerful mergasm (which everyone knows is a mermaid orgasm) which blasts fairy dust in a 100 yard radius, knocking back the trees within the first few feet of her and making anything in its vicinity hornier than hell.  Which happens to be a centaur named Bill who trots over and pulls "the cable guy" in a porno movie on me, asking if he can join the party.  Mer-Pegasus-Unicorn lady is totally into it, but I'm not a three way dude.  Even if I were, two guys and a girl is not for me, so me and a centaur is totally out of the question - and to be honest a little intimidating.  So I excuse myself and step away to sulk under a tree, pouting about my slutty mythical beast woman who has left me for a giant horse-man.

How can I be expected to compete with this guy?

When they finish up, I thought I had gotten far enough away to get out of the range of her mergasm blast, but Bill made her fire out fairy dust twice as far.  That damn dust works its magic on me, and even though I hate myself by this point, I can't help masturbating.  And there I am tugging away with the stupid little fairies buzzing around laughing at me, and I'm whipping rocks at them, crying, and yelling at them to go away.  And that's where my boner dream would pick up, skipping all that awesome stuff you read about a minute ago . . .

So I had this dream last night that my girlfriend and I were desperately trying to screw in this giant grotto style public pool type place, but we kept getting interrupted.  It was as if it had to get done or something bad was going to happen.  And at one point I looked down to see that I had way too much chest hair.  Truth be told, I'm a bit of a hairless mammal, so it was a little scary for me.

In other news, when I went to pick up my contacts today, I dropped into the record store across the street that I usually go to when I see the eye doctor.  They specialize in dance/house type music so their rock collection is very limited.  They play their shitty house music the whole time, and when I was done selecting my $13.10 worth of records, I found myself waiting at the register with no one to ring me up for a couple minutes.  So I peeked into the back room to find three employees hanging out and not working, and I had to interrupt them and ask if someone could actually do two minutes of work and ring up my purchase.

Yup.  That's what your typical record shop in Chicago is like.  They're snobs, they are way over staffed with guys doing nothing, and they suck.  When I did that job, I loved every single shift.  It was the best job in the world - listening to music all day and talking about it all day.  Real jobs are hard, and that's what they need to realize.  The record shop gig is fun and really, really easy, but you do have to staff one of the three guys to be not in the back room so that they can spot when a customer is trying to spend money in the shop.  That's one of the only rules.

Okay.  I gotta go spin my $13.10 of music that was well spent, even if the proprietors didn't make it easy for me to spend it.

The Boot

A buddy of mine was in a relationship for a long time in which he was having "the sex" around once or twice a year.  Newly single, he is ravenous out there, taking home women of all shapes and sizes and telling us all about it.  I must say, every time I say him on a Sunday during a Bears game, he shares some hilarious information about one of his recent encounters, the funniest of which would be the following:

He got down with one gal recently, and apparently the act was less than enjoyable for him based on this description of what it felt like to go in there:

"It felt like doing it with a fireman's boot full of warm, spoiled mayonnaise."

Let that soak in for a moment.  Like the mayonnaise.

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How about you, Seven Readers?  Got any friends who became suddenly single, and it's totally weird hearing about them dating?  

Carpool Humping Lane

Once again I long awaited for inspiration to sit down and write another post, and this time my muse was an unattractive couple having sex while driving down the Eisenhower Expressway in my home town of Chicago.

I put off posting about this so long that A) everyone has probably already seen it and made fun of it before me by now and B) Many of the videos have been deleted.  After searching for it for a few minutes with no luck, I remembered that it was an old friend of mine who first turned me onto it on Facebook and that link still worked.  Thank you, old friend, for sharing this dangerous and hilarious sex act caught on film!

Now, let's begin the commentary as only Dr. Ken can . . .

0:10 - Despite the fact that the woman in the passenger seat is sure that she's "totally got it" with the video camera on her phone, the woman driving (WD) is really doubting that she does.

0:20 - Passenger side woman (PSW) is starting to think they have filmed enough evidence of this and is fairly sure the fornicators in the car a mere 7 feet away have noticed that they are becoming unsuspecting porn stars.  "No no," says WD.  "It's called safety."  Just what does she mean by that?  "Is that his hand or his foot?"  I thought the same thing, and if he is having sex while driving with his foot, that is highly unsafe, unless he is a professional stunt driver and porn actor.  However, if she is worried about the well-being of her fellow motorists, wouldn't she just alert the authorities rather than make 7 or 8 passes to film them?  I'm starting to think WD is really getting off on the whole moving-car-sex-thing . . .

0:30 - "I want to get her bouncing again.  She's just laying on him."  Yup.  She's a perv.  I was half expecting her to yell some more directions at them and perhaps suggest some new positions.  PSW says she is looking away from them and plans to just watch her video later, but WD is quite obviously gawking at them and speeding up and slowing down to go by them so many times that eventually it looks as if the dude is waving at them while he screws.  A baller move, if you ask me.

0:50 - "Angle it down, you're getting all sky," the director tells her camera person, at which point PSW says I'm done and turns off her phone.  I would agree that she has amassed quite enough footage and has had enough bossing from her half-assed director.  WD would have filmed all day if she had the means.  I sort of think she was hoping they would crash, and she would have the world's best snuff film - she seems just that sick to me.
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Here are my thoughts on this whole thing: Sure, when this couple started humping one another in broad daylight on the highway, they opened themselves up to other people on the road watching and perhaps video taping.  However, they didn't need to be hounded like this.  Just have a laugh (maybe a quick video) and be on your way.  WD was hell bent on filming this thing from the foreplay all the way to the money shot all over the dashboard, and maybe even the clean up.

Meanwhile in the other lane, I can't at all blame the guy for having a shag while driving.  How can you pass that up?  But my man needed to do a better job at distancing himself from other cars.  I have only had a few similar experiences in my wilder days, but when I did, I like to think I could enjoy myself pretty well while keeping the other cars out of view for the most part.  Then again, I was never pursued by anyone with a tenacity quite like WD.

What do you think, Seven Readers?  Are the days of doing it anywhere with reckless abandon ruined by the modern cameras, cell phones, and youtubers everywhere nowadays?  Anyone want to share a crazy place they tried to do it and were busted?

The Hulkster Sex Tape

I heard that Hulk Hogan has a sex tape out in which he does it with a girl while his friend, Bubba the Love Sponge, videotaped it in the closet.

I'm fascinated with sex tapes.  They crack me up.  I think I have seen just about every one that has ever come out from Pamela Anderson, to Kim Kardashian, to Paris Hilton.  However, those women are all hot and the dudes in the videos were in good shape too.  The Hulkster tape is more akin to the Gene Simmons tape, and what I want to know is which one is grosser. 

Gene was doing it missionary with his gut hanging down, and he couldn't get a very impressive erection going.  Also, "I Want To Know What Love Is" by Foreigner could be heard in the background, and the girl didn't even bother taking her flip flops off as her legs stuck straight up in the air.  Also, he leaves his shirt on and his pants around his ankles, maybe thinking that any extra efforts would provide time to lose that lackluster boner.  Damn it!  That guy used to be a sexual demon! (Here it is if you want to see it.  This is a porno link, so don't get mad it you don't like porno.)

While Hulk may have trouble topping Gene in being revolting to the senses, Hulk may beat him in being morally gross.  Gene was in an open marriage, so Shannon Tweed, Skinimax film star, was okay with that.  The Hulk's wife was not okay with him doing that, and the girl he was shagging was obviously not okay with it being filmed because his boy was hiding in the closet.  Now, I have some really close friends, but I would never want to film them doing it!  Gross!  Also, it's just wrong to videotape someone banging without telling them.  I knew a guy once who was going to video himself and a chick he was doing at the time.  He had it set up in his closet where there would be no way anyone would notice.  He even showed me how it would look with him just jumping around on the bed, and it would have worked out just right.  I really wish I had told him what a flipping scumbag move that would have been, but he thought better of it on his own.

But Hulk Hogan did not.

What a dissapointment to all those little Hulkamaniacs out there . . . .

Are You an Animal Lover?

Anyone ever see this couple?  I don't want to ruin it for you, but they do it with a horse.  No, they don't show it (thank God, plus that would probably be illegal to post anywhere), but they do talk about it in detail: The horse does it with the wife, and the husband lets the horse do him in the can.  

Sorry you're offended by this.  If so, click away now.  But if you want to delve deeper into these weirdos, by all means . . . 

1. "One thing led to another" and you were blowing a horse for the first time?  That sounds like a couple having consensual sex on a one night stand at a bar, and this is nothing like that; This is forcing sex upon a horse.

2. So he sees her getting it on with a horse, and he is turned on and wants to marry her?  This could be a possible angle for the long awaited season finale of "How I Met Your Mother."  You know, if I had to pick out of a lineup a dude who had sex with animals, I think without having seen this clip I could probably guess this guy would be into something along those lines.

3. The husband says that the true pleasure he gets is not from getting it in the wazoo from the horse but knowing that he is making the horse happy.  What a guy.  What an unselfish lover.  More importantly, what a whack-job deviant scumbag!

4. Hold on a minute . . . The horse blows in his ear and he thinks that is something it does for his benefit?  It's a horse!  And she says that the horse is "courting" her?  These people fail to understand that a horse will put its horse wang into anything handy.  They make like the horse is a suave natural born lover like Richard Gere in "American Gigalo."  No.  It.  Is.  A.  HORSE! 

5. This fella lets a horse bite him while he gets it in the butt from a horse?  And he is on television talking about it?  His mom must be proud.  Wonder if he brings the horse by mom's for Christmas.

Get a look at this clip.  Anything else I missed?  Leave your thoughts in the comments section.  And sorry if you're a little grossed out.  I'm a little uneasy myself.  I need to wash my brain of this couple.

In a Hurry to Get Your Freak On Is NOT an Excuse to Speed

Zachary P. Ramirez, 21, of Naperville, Illinois found that out the hard way after going 111mph and running a stop sign and a red light (whole story including picture of the idiot here).  When the officer asked why he was going so fast, he said he was in a hurry to go have sex with a girl he likes. 

Now, it seems to me that it's as good an excuse as any, but to be going that fast and disobeying traffic signals knowing you have weed in the car?  That must have been some poonanny . . .