It was a really great day, while I can't tell you the best moment, I can tell you the moment I laughed the hardest.
One of Mrs. Noisewater's good friends from back in the Bay Area is a fun-loving guy like me. We spent the Thursday before the wedding with a big group of people at the Oakland A's game. It was less than 1/3 full in there and quiet. This guy and myself were easily the loudest people in the whole place. I distinctly remember looking around to find that my sister and all of my nephews had been gone for the remainder of the game. I asked my sister the next time I saw her if I was swearing or being offensive. She said, "No, you were being nice. You were just really loud." And so it was with this wedding guest and myself for most of that ballgame . . .
(We also enjoyed a sparsely populated tailgate in the parking lot. This isn't us. These are less cool randoms off of Google Images)
So at the wedding, later in the evening after all of the speeches and dances were done and people were just cutting loose, our favorite guest (picture a curly haired short Italian man, like a young Joe Pesci) stops me as I'm walking across the room and says the following:
"Hey, Ken. Great party. I want to give you your gift right now (he hands me a folded up 100 dollar bill). This is what I always do at weddings. No, I didn't get you a card. You don't need a card, right? You'll get a ton of them! And I certainly didn't get you anything on your stupid registry. I don't even know where you're registered. Fuck your registry! You don't need any of that shit! Here's a hundred bucks. Do whatever you want with it. Spend it all tonight at the bar, put it up your nose (I think he meant like cocaine). I don't care! Anyway, like I said. Great party. Thanks for having me. See you around"
"Great party!"
It's when he said "put it up your nose" that I really started dying laughing. Come to think of it, there were a few moments where I was laughing my ass off, like during my best man's (Heterosexual Life Partner's) speech. Maybe I'll post about that next.
Anyway, have a good day, friends. And don't go putting your money up your nose.
Word got out on Facebook that I performed a wedding for a friend, and now another buddy has asked me to do the honor for his wedding this summer. Beastly is a good friend, but just like most friendships in adulthood, I only see him once or twice a year. When I started college, he and I became very close because all my other friends went away to school while I lived at home and commuted. That sounds like he was a default best friend, but the truth is that the circumstances made us figure out how much we had in common. We both loved to over analyze rock music, we both enjoyed watching stupid movies while drinking Lowenbrau, and we even both, regrettably, grew out long hair. I wanted to look like Duane Allman, but it was Beastly who could actually play a guitar. I just had what I thought was awesome rock star hair. Nobody believes me that I had the golden locks, but there are pictures to prove it - those that I haven't found and burned.
His and hers Grandpa Simpson ties, while supplies last!
I'm not sure what all I will say at this ceremony, probably almost none of what you just read, but I'm sure if I just speak from the heart like the last one, then I'll do just fine. And I'll wear the bolo tie again - my calling card.
DISCLAIMER: If you are reading this and are a guest at the wedding where I'm the reverend on Saturday, stop reading at once. Don't be that guy. Come on!
So, keep in mind that this is a wedding with zero religious implications and it's at a bar, so it's a little unconventional. Anyway, here is what I got. Please respond with any thoughts, comments, or criticisms:
"Yeah!You all ready for a
wedding or what!?Let’s do this!
(now in a very calm voice) Yeah, in case you didn’t know, we’re gathered here today to
join Nic Van Horn and Sarah Fergusen in the holiest
of holy matrimony.I’m Dr. Ken, for
those that don’t know me.These
two lovely people asked me to be their reverend, and I was truly honored, and
If anyone doubts my reverendship, I’ll have you know that I labored on the
internet clicking and clacking away for over five minutes to get a
professional-ish looking certificate with my name on it to make it
official.And I bought this tie (motions to bolo tie with the cross broach) - So
I’m the guy.
I met Nic on Craig’s list.The reverend has met a lot of interesting people on Craig’s
List.People into all kinds of
interesting things, but Nic was a prospective roommate at the now legendary 5
bedroom Chicago house of our extended, latent fratboy period, the place known
simply as: 1522.When he walked in
the door for his interview, we all knew he was the guy.Laid back, funny, likes sports, and
likes to have a beer or two.In
fact, over drinks is how he got his nickname.Not Nicky-Bear.Only one person calls him that (motions
toward bride), well, maybe 70 or 80 people will call him that now that I’ve
let that cat out of the bag, but Ryan dubbed him “Nicky Woo-Woo.”Why?Well every now and then when Nic is partying, he will let
out a (holds mic over to Nic, who lets out a WOO in the vain of Ric Flair)
And it was at a party, a redneck party, at 1522 where he
courted a young Sarah.He
in a pair of very revealing cut off
jean shorts, and she in . . . just regular clothes.Going redneck
comes more naturally to Michiganders than it does to those from Mass, it seems.In any event, I recall Nic settling in
at the back porch table, and Sarah arrived shortly thereafter.The two hit it off instantly, and
gradually they weren’t talking to . . . anyone else . . . but each other.It got to a point where the good
reverend thought it best to excuse himself, and it looked as if others thought
the same.Soon it was just the two
of them on that back porch and they were conversing at a closer-and-closer
distance which could only mean one thing . . . they were gonna’ smooch!And smooch they did!
And they really haven’t stopped.Only a matter of weeks ago, my lady and I were out with them
at the Liars Club - you’ll all be going there later tonight, by the way.It’s the best bar in Chicago, and the
reverend will be having his ashes spread on that dance floor when it’s his time
to join Baby Jesus in Heaven- So we’re at the Liars Club, and Nic and Sarah
appear to be trying to swallow one another’s faces off.We smiled at them and said something to
the effect of, “Holy mackerel!,” to which the irreverent Nic Van Horn responded,
“What?Come on!Have you seen her?”I love this guy.Honest to God I do.
And Sarah is
awesome too.Whenever I come out,
she smiles all night like she’s so happy to see me, and I feel really good
about myself.If she makes me feel like that, I can’t even imagine
how happy she makes Nic.
These two are very much in love, and that is plain to
see.You just have to love these
two, and the two of them together are even better.They send out nothing but good vibes and all smiles, and
they just seem so natural and happy with one another. Take it from a guy in love: There really is no better thing in the world than being in
love, and these two are a perfect example of that.; the kind of love certainly
worth celebrating.
So, let’s get to the part where they profess their undying love
to one another for all of us to hear with their own words, reading their own
vows, which I think is just a baller-ass move at a wedding.None of that scripted crap – just from
the heart, what’s in here (motions to
heart).
Sarah, you’re up first.
(Brief organic on Sarah’s speech)
And now, Nic, it is your turn.
(Brief organic on Nic’s speech)
Okay, we did the vows, so now let’s go to the part where I
say this: Nic,do you swear to be
the world’s best husband known to man to Sarah for the rest of your days.
Sarah, do you swear to love this guy with all you got all
day, every day until the end of time?
Then, by the power vested in me from Reverend.com, or
whatever, I now pronounce you man and wife.You may now smooch the bride!"
