Metal Up Your Rear

This is a piece I just wrote that will be going on Stay Thirsty very soon. Hope you like it:

When I was either in my God awful sophomore or junior year of high school, I don’t know which because they blended into one collective shitty experience, I wanted to off myself one night while listening to “Fade To Black” by Metallica. It could be that the song moved me to want to end it all or it could be that it saved me from it, but either way, it had an effect on me. That type of music was just about all I liked back then. Sure, I liked some rap every now and again, but only if there were loads of references to shooting people – I was a pretty dark dude back then.

The metal phased its way out of my regular rotation as the years went on, revealing itself again here and there during the occasional metal renaissance, but still, it is the genre of music that got me passionate about rock to begin with – and for that I have Anthrax and the others to thank. Lately, that sound has been getting more and more play as I have been getting into marathons, weights, and the pressure of a looming weakening metabolism. I’m very much a mind-over-matter guy, for better or for worse, in that my brain can quite effectively talk me into quitting something, so sometimes there is no other type of music to keep me going but the likes of Phil Anselmo scowling and yelling at me, reminding me that “no one can piss on this determination.”

I thought for sure that I was the indie rocker type for good, and that metal was all but in the past. As it turns out, in the right situation, something like the drum fills on “Seasons in the Abyss” by Slayer can still move me in any way I thought was no longer possible. When someone hates all heavy music, there is still that little part of me, perhaps that dormant teen angst in me from all those years ago, which says to myself, “What a pussy!” One has to admit that it’s true that people either like that sludgy, distortion, drop-D sound or they don’t, and it’s sort of an exclusive club for those of us who get it. Indeed, when I get a few “pops” in me, there are still times when I’m all about old school Metallica, and even tanked, I can unearth just about every one of the lyrics from the first four classic discs. And I kind of feel a kinship to anyone who knows exactly what I’m talking about.

Sure, if you asked me my favorite bands, I’d likely tell you Pink Floyd, Built To Spill, and Grandaddy, but I will forever be in debt to Megadeth, Testament, and especially Metallica, for saving me from offing myself, or making me want to do it; I still don’t recall which.

Scene:

Jackson and Maya run in the same social circle and have been falling in love with one another over the past few months, and at this point, they have always stopped themselves at kissing. The only problem is, Maya is engaged to another man. The two have agreed to back off from one another until she has figured her situation out, as she says she's not being fair to all three people - something Jackson agrees with, but on this night, in a crowded bar, after numerous drinks, he just couldn't take it anymore.

The two keep sharing glances that alternate between smiles, looks of desperation, and looks of outright sadness. Suddenly, Jackson plays off like he's walking past her to go to the bathroom, but instead, he takes her hand, and leads her to a corner of the bar where they can talk. Granted, it's still loud from the music, but there is slightly less screaming and lousy singing there from the clientele.

Maya: Jackson, I can't.

Jackson: No, don't worry because I didn't pull you over to plant a kiss on you, although I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking of it all night.

Maya: Yeah, me too, but . . .

Jackson: Well, don't worry about it because I'm a man of my word. Yes, I think this guy is a tremendous asshole, and an asshole that seems unwilling to change, and the brand of asshole destined to make you miserable - but here's the thing: I said I would "back off," and I am. I just want to know a few things because I can't just move on until this thing is settled. I can't go on thinking "what if."

Maya: Okay, what do you need to know.

Jackson: I have been thinking that maybe we've been idealizing each other because of our respective situations - because we know we can't go through with it. But, maybe we'd never work out to begin with. Maybe there is a big fat deal breaker that we haven't even thought of. For instance, when one person is a lousy kisser, everyone knows a suck-ass kisser is game over, but that's not a problem for us. In fact, that seemed pretty damn incredible on this end . . .

Maya: Yes. No problems there.

Jackson: Right . . . So, I thought of a few others that might spell disaster, and that way I can move on.

Jackson unfolds a crumpled up piece of paper that he has to stand awkwardly to pry out of his jeans pocket.

Maya: I guess you have given this some thought.

Jackson: Yes. I think about you all the damn time. I have "backed off" really effectively, per your request, and I've been all business around you, so you can't even tell, but you're on my mind constantly. You're absolutely killing me.

Maya: Yeah. I think about you too, but . . .

(Brief pause)

Jackson: So, number one, are you like a die hard Republican? It's not a subject that ever came up, but if you have extremely right-thinking politics, like you hate homosexuals or certain ethnicities, that would gross me out to no end.

Maya: (Laughs) No. I'd say I'm pretty liberal, Jackson, so that's out. What else ya' got?

Jackson: Damn it! Next up, where do you stand on religion because I'm an agnostic bordering on atheist, and it's highly unlikely that I'll ever "find God," so if you're looking for a religious guy, that's just not happening.

Maya: I think we have talked about this, and I'm pretty sure I told you that I was raised Catholic, God's a part of my life, but I don't go to church to talk to him.

Jackson: Aha! But would it bother you if the person you're with for the rest of your life is a non believer, and would you raise your kids Catholic?

Maya: No and no.

Jackson: Well, shit and shit!! Next up . . .

Maya: Stop right there. I completely get what you're doing, but I don't think finding one of these deal breakers is going to help you with whatever you're going through here.

Jackson: Well, how do you know? And don't say it's just me going through it because we know that's not true. Now, come on, I only have eleven more.

Maya: No, I'm not doing this anymore.

(Maya starts to leave and Jackson jumps in front of her)

Jackson: Wait, first off, you're saying you get why I'm doing this, but I'm not sure you do. I'm in love with you, and I can't keep seeing you and not tell you this. The reason I want to find a way that we can't possibly work is because I can't move on until I figure out you and I. I'm dating women, and I can't stand any of them because none of them are you. I'm trying with them. I'm sleeping with them, and that makes me feel even worse because my heart's never in it. My heart's with you. Okay, that sounded gay, but . . . I don't know, Maya - I just feel something, and I, like, never feel anything, and that has to mean something, right?

To be continued? Maybe, but that's all I have written right now.