The other day I went for a swim at a gym location and time that was strange to me, and it turns out that is the time when all of the older (perhaps retired) people use the pool. Few were swimming. Most were walking laps up and down. When I stopped on my end to take a break, I looked up to see a heavyset woman barreling her way towards me. Usually you ask someone before sharing a lane, but I'm not one to ever say no. Also, I found it odd that I recognized her as someone who was already in a lane. So, why make the jump into my lane? It turns out she wanted to talk to me while she did her pool-walking-laps.

Her: Am I the only one bothered by this? 

(She motioned towards of the other swimmers)

Me: What?

Her: The rules say for everyone to wear 'proper swim attire. We all have bathing suits. Why can't she put one on.

(Now it was clear to me that she was talking about another woman walking laps with foamy weights wearing garbs in accordance with her religious practice. Looks like I was in the midst of an aquatic holy war)

Me: I don't know.

(At this point I was pulling my goggles back on and trying my best to stay out of it.)

Her: I told the woman that she needs to wear proper swim attire, and she swore at me. She said "great googily-moogily. 

(she didn't actually say this gibberish. She stated some swear words in another language that I didn't recognize. I found it odd that the racist woman cared enough to research the curse words of a culture she hates.)

Me: Yeah, okay . . . 

Her: You know, you can't say anything to anyone anymore without getting arrested, or something. I already told the management about her, and they didn't do anything. 

Me: Okay, I'm going to finish swimming now.

(At this point I looked over at the woman with the religious garbs to see her pumping her foam weights emphatically and muttering angrily to herself. There really was a holy war erupting between these gals. Or perhaps just a Holy Cold War. Either way, I wasn't sticking around to find out if it was going to come to blows with bloody noses gushing all over the joint)

I don't think reporting someone to management is appropriate. The gym can't throw someone out of the gym for wearing what this woman was wearing. First Amendment rights still apply at the gym, right? And how could what someone else swims in possibly bother anyone else? If anything, I could have complained about the lady hopping into my lane without asking and unloading her hate speech at me. And why was she coming at me like I was going to agree with any of it? Just because I was a white male?

The second I hopped out of the pool and opened the locker room door, I found a couple of guys who should have been reported to management. Despite the fact that there is already music playing, they were blasting their own loud rap music with a little stereo while trying to yell over that and a couple of hair dryers to have a conversation the whole locker room had to listen to. Also, the rap music was that auto-tune robot vocals crap that all these rappers use these days. And I hate that shit. So when I come out of the shower to use one of the hair dryers, right when I turn the corner to where they are, I am hit with the awful stench of steamed body odor. These two morons were evidently drying off the stinky clothes they just worked out in with the only two hair dryers! If you ask me, leaving the sweaty clothes on would be far less offensive than heating them up, especially the socks because I think that is the smell that was really permeating all through the immediate area. 

After I got changed, I went back by the hair dryers to see if they were available to see that they were, but the stinky clothes were still on the sink and the stereo was still playing. One of the guys was rapping every word coming from the stereo 30 feet away loudly from his shower. A guy from the front desk came by to ask if it was my radio, and I said, "No. But I bet you can guess whose it is." 

Hand weights Muslim lady is welcome at my gym any time. Steamed sweat socks duo? You two need to learn some gym etiquette. And basic hygiene. And science. And music taste. And just how not to be idiots. And, just maybe work out from home with your robot vocals songs and never expose anyone to your steamed body odor. 

High Dive. Bomb's Away!!

If you have been reading this thing for a while, you know that I don't hide from you the fact that I drink and make bad decisions.  This started at an early age.  I was by my mom and dad's house yesterday, and when I drove past the private pool around the corner from them, I said to myself, "Oh yeah, that's the pool I used to break into for a swim at 2AM when I was drunk."  Now, that sounds like something a lot of kids do, but alone?  That's just weird.  And even worse is that I took dumps in the pool, which is just thoughtless because someone would have to start their morning cleaning up the dump that I should have taken in a perfectly good toilet.  One step worse is that I pooped off the high dive, which is a challenge to dangle your butt off the edge, twenty feet in the air, and then jump over your own poop.  I was more agile in those days but just as stupid. 

Someone found it.

I wish I could say I have grown up a lot since then.  I have, but it has taken a long, long time.  This Friday I didn't go out drinking at all, and then Saturday I got tired and went home early (for me), and I feel pretty good; might even make it to the gym, where I will swim and not poop. 

The Special Shower Convo's

We all nab the handicapped bathroom even when there are other vacant options because everyone likes a little more spacious area when you're doing your thing, and maybe even a couple of coat hooks to get really comfortable.  However, when I was in a hurry to shower up before a swim at the gym and the handicapped shower (the one with the chair) was the only one left, now that's one I can't do.  

A guy could really spend some QT in there.

This location of my gym has shower doors that only go up to your shoulders so you can see the busts of people showering across from you, and that is just weird.  What was even weirder was when two slightly overweight men saddle up next to each other in the handicapped shower, not to shower but to have a conversation, now that is just plain dumbfounding and kind of draws a crowd. I couldn't make out much of what was being said but they were both very serious and the word leadership was used more than once.  While I was getting out of the water after my swim, the same two guys went walking past me continuing to discuss their opinions about leadership, probably after taking a jacuzzi together.  

They were serious men.  I guess that's while I'll always be a follower and they'll be leaders.  And I'll be showering alone and they'll be showering each other.

"I don't always shower with men, but when I do, I drink Hamm's"

it's summer and it's hot. jump in the pool!