Bands Women Hate

When it comes to couples and music, some is meant to listen to together, and I bet you and that special someone have songs that you dance the night away to or scream out the open windows during a road trip with one another.  But then there are others that us men need to hear on our own.  You don't want her to like that band, and you never would in your wildest dreams expect her to.  That band is just for you.

I conducted extensive research through surveying numerous men of all ages* to see which bands women hate the most.  Now, outright metal is not on then the list would just be dominated by metal, and we wouldn't learn anything from that.  Of course women don't like metal, and the ones that do are often scary and we don't want to date them.  If she can beat the tar out of me in a pit, then I tend to get scared off.  What I set out to do here is to try to find the bands that are hated by women not because they are too heavy for them, but because they annoy them for some other reason.  This way we could find the common factors of non-metal bands that are loved primarily by men.  

I conducted a study in which I played one of the top nine bands (in no particular order) that the men have determined to be disliked universally by females, and I recorded Mrs. Noisewater's reactions to them.  Here is what I discovered.

DISCLAIMER: I got midway through this project and thought that I am really generalizing and making assumptions a lot with a list like this.  And assigning gender stereotypes to music is kind of wrong.  I know this.  But I finished anyway because I was halfway through, and if I keep giving up on stupid projects like this, then I'll never finish any of my stupid projects.

1. Ween are so damn weird that when you're listening to them and someone else pops in they're like "Just what in the hell is this weird-ass stuff?"  They play stuff that is very strange at first, but eventually that weirdness is . . . it's just Ween.  There was no one else like them.  Some songs are too obnoxious even for fans of the band, but then other times it's just genius.  They have tons of songs that are in a wide variety of genres where Gene Ween sings entirely different for every song so that you can sneak them on without anyone knowing it's Ween.  Then they got entire albums worth of stuff like the song listed below that is unmistakably Ween.  And pretty darned annoying to the unconditioned ear.
Sample Song: "Big Jilm" by Ween.  

Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: "Halloween music and farting. Happy farts."

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "I don't like it."

2. If you watch the concert video below you will see an arena filled with 95% dudes.  This is because women very rarely like Rush.  I think they have the perfect storm of elements rarely appreciated by female listeners: They're heavy, they're ugly (well the singer is.  He looks like a chicken), they sing in falsetto, and they play progressive music.  And then guys get together and air drum the hell out of their songs, and that doesn't exactly draw women into the band.  
Sample Song: "YYZ" by Rush

Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: "It sounds like a a promotional video for a gym with guys cycling and doing x-games stuff.

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: It's okay.

3. Steely Dan has the jazz type of vibe that doesn't seem to do it for everyone.  I think there are a song or two that made it big on classic rock radio that infiltrated female audiences, but it's pretty rare that you find a hardcore female Steely Dan fan.  Jerry Seinfeld really likes these guys, and he is man.  Okay, it's true.  I have zero basis for anything on this list . . .
Sample Song: "Peg" by Steely Dan. 

Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: "Sounds like bad wedding music.  Or maybe Romantic comedy background music.  

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "Is this Michael McDonald?" - I think that is not a favorable review.

4. Prog rock bands just seem to be a dude thing, and Yes played just about the most pretentious music you could find.  Just look at the clip below: How many keyboard players are on that stage?  Three?  But I have the "Yes Album" and "Fragile" on vinyl, and they're both amazing.  Oh, also, Rick Wakeman wore weird cloaks like a wizard, and Dungeons & Dragons outfits aren't exactly pussy magnets.

Sample Song: “Heart of the Sunrise” by Yes
Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: This is the band where your friend wants you to go with to see them and the plays has a bunch of weird-looking dudes bobbing their heads.  

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "Meh."

5. The progressive thing seems to be a very common thread in these bands, and Frank Zaapa also had the weird factor going on, like Ween listed above.  Like Ween, he also has mysoginist lyrics that additionally push the females away.  Then again, Frank's wife did make quilts out of the panties thrown on stage during shows, I am told, so apparently chicks dug him at some point in his career.  I just haven't met any.
Sample Song: "Don't Eat the Yellow Snow" by Frank Zappa

Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: This is also like background music, but it’s too annoying to be in the background.  I need to put on a big flowey skirt and dance around with hippies.

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "When is this game over?" - I think that means she hates it.

6. Grunge rock was huge with men and women alike in the early to mid 90's with bands like Pearl Jam and Nirvana, but Alice In Chains seemed to be bigger with the fellas.  Perhaps it was that they played music that was a little heavier and really, really depressing.  Those songs that make you want to do tons of heroin until you die don't bring loads of babes to your shows, but it is terrific on vinyl on a rainy afternoon.
Sample Song: "Over Now" by Alice In Chains

Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: “Why are they playing “Taps?  Is this Alice N’ Chains!?  You know I hate Alice n’ Chains!  

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "They sound like a bunch of whining teenage girls."

7. Tool played music that was heavy and progressive, and we are learning that those are sure fire attractions to dudes and dudes only.  They also had videos with disgusting imagery of weird demon-like beings doing gross shit.  I still don't like to watch that part in the "Sober" video where the monster guy opens up the pipe to find a giant bloody worm crawling through, and he touches it!

Sample Song: "Parabola" by Tool

Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: This makes me want to slit my wrist.  I want to drink a bottle of whiskey and cry in the corner.  This is Tool!  It sounds like an insane asylum.  It would drive me to an insane asylum and then I would throw that bottle of whiskey into someone’s face!

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: I knew she hates Alice N' Chains and Tool more than any other bands, so if I could have done it again I wouldn't have had them right in a row like this.  She almost quit at this point, but I talked her into sitting through the last two clips . . .(skip to 4:45 to bypass the intro)

8. I suppose Dio is the most clearly heavy metal band on the list, and I was supposed to be avoiding metal bands.  However, I did include him because of all his lyrics about dragons, sorcery, and witches.  That's not subject matter that the ladies like to rock out to and sing with their girls.  Or is it? See below . . .
Sample Song: “Rainbow in the Dark” by Dio

Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: "I kind of want to dress up like a slut and dance with my girlfriends."

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "I like this one!"

9. AC/DC sang thinly veiled sexual innuendo rockers like "Big Balls" and "Sink the Pink."  Do women like that?  If I overheard an attractive woman singing "Sink the Pink," I would be pretty surprised.  And frisky.  But, now that I think of it, I can remember seeing a lot of concert footage of women lifting up their shirts and showing boobs and AC/DC shows.  Still, they're a pretty dude heavy band if you ask me.  
Sample Song: “Let Me Put My Love Into You” by AC/DC

Mrs. Noisewater's Thoughts: "This is a song you would hear before a sports game.  It’s like a sports pump up song."

Mrs. Noisewater's Verdict: "It sounds like AC/DC."  That's actually a genius assessment because that is exactly what can be said of all AC/DC songs whether you like them or not.  

What do you think of the list, friends?  I have nine bands so I could really use your help to find that tenth . . .

________________________________________

*I group texted two friends who are around the same age as me.  That was the extent of the research.

Part 2 of That Thing I Was Working On Last Post

Last post I took a look at the first ten on the list of things that annoy you if you're really into music, or whatever the author called it.  So far 5 out of 10 on the list I had to answer with a "Yes, that bothers me."  Let's see how I do with the final 11 . . .

11. "When you can't talk about a band without saying everything about the band."

Yes.  I catch myself doing this.  I need to work on just dropping that one anecdote and just stop.  Just get in, get out.  But I always get on tangents that could potentially be bothering those around me, and certainly bothering the female I'm with at the time.

12. "Only being able to start things when you've found the perfect playlist."

Yes.  I can't do any work around the house until I have a good record picked out, and I certainly can't exercise in any way whatsoever without assembling a bomb playlist.  In fact, I'm more likely to end up going to the gym if I know that a good playlist is waiting for me on the shuffle in my gym bag.  

13. When you play a song for someone and it's not as awesome as you remember.

Yes.  I just recently downloaded the theme from "The Lost Boys," and while it sounds so cool in the movie with all the vampire visuals, just hearing it on your iPod sound incredibly dumb.

14. "When someone refers to 'your music' so dismissively."

Yes.  I was playing some Yo La Tengo at work a long time ago, and a bitchy coworker of mine at the time said, "Does your girlfriend like your music?"  She said "your music" just as the author of this list intended.

15. "When you can't stop yourself from ranking everything."

Yes.  Anyone who has been around this blog page for a while knows that I have made a lot of lists over the years, right down to the funniest douche commercials of all time, so yeah, I rank stuff too much.

16. "When you can't stop planning the songs they will play at your wedding."

No.  But it's close.  I don't care too much about making a list like that until it's getting close to take the time to take the plunge.   However, I do think it's important for every couple to know what their first dance will be because that's their song.  Mr and Mrs Noisewater's song is "The Air That I Breathe" by The Hollies, incidentally, and we will slow dance any damn place immediately upon hearing those soothing sounds . . .

17. "Or Your Funeral"

No.  Not even I do that.  This one might be the one you need to ask yourself to see if your music snobbery has gone slightly over the edge.  Well, if I had to pick a song, I guess it would be "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion.  Just kidding.

18. "When you need to keep a running list on your phone of songs you need to sing on karaoke."

Yes.  I'm afraid to say yes.  This one embarrasses me a little, but yes, I will make a mental note of a song I need to try out the next time I grab the mic.  When next I sing, I was thinking I need to do some Phil Collins, but if I'm too hammered, then I always sing the "go to" songs that I can do on drunk autopilot.

19. "Then you never end up using it."

Yes.  Or I try it once and it's way harder than I thought it would be.  I thought one time it would be good to sing "Nickleback" because it's so bad, but because it's such a bad song, it's really hard to sing.  It's a very awkward melody.

20. "When a song comes on that you just can't not sing along to."

Yes.  But more I would say that I just can't sing one line or phrase that I think is particularly good.

21. "When people think they're super fans but only know the latest record."

No.  This one would have been a definite yes for me a few years back, but I have really changed my ways.  I'm a recovering music snob.

However, music snobbery is like herpes.  It will go away for long stretches of time and then will rear its ugly head when something flares it up, like reading this list.  Once you have it, you never entirely lose it.

Totals: 13 out of 21

I just saw a list of 21 Problems Only Music Lovers Will Understand and I wanted to see how many of them fit this music lover struggles with. Yes means it bothers me, no means it doesn't, and let's see the totals to see how nuts I am, shall we?

1. "When people don’t realize that a hit song is just a cover of another song."

Yes. I once knew a guy who insisted that Clapton wrote "I Shot the Sherrif." I showed him evidenc (before the internet) that Marley wrote it, and he still insisted he was right.

2. "When someone asks you what your favorite album is and expects you to pick just one."

No. Pick one. Don't be a wuss. Dark Side of the Moon is the best rock and roll album ever recorded. Period. Any good music hard-ass type is nothing if he/she is not decisive.

3. "When you play a song for someone and they start talking."

No. Hearing a song for the first time doesn't always connect the first time through, and someone isn't always in the mood to hear what they want you to hear. Also, if you expect the two of you to sit there in silence while you force them to listen to something, you might be a nut.

4. "When the radio overplays the single from your favorite new album."

Yes. A recent example is the new Daft Punk. I loved it until I saw that it was playing on every station. I know it's stupid to not like something because everyone else does, but damn it, I can't help not wanting to have much in common with so many idiots.

5. "When the new album from a band you love gets a bad review."

No. People have their opinions. Lord knows I have them; only mine are always right.

6. When you have to wait 10 years between albums.

No. A band can take as much time as they want, but when they do wait that long, they usually come back only to suck. Weezer gathered a million fans during their long hiatus, came back with a fairly good record that was nowhere near as good as their first two, and then made a shit album every year ever since. So, you can take a lot of time off, but will likely come back sucky.

7. "When you have your headphones on and forget you’re in public."

No. When I see people air drumming or singing on the train or something, I always think how dorky they look, but it doesn't stop me from punching a low-flying branch as my high hat as I crush a drum fill on a jog.

8. "When no one gets your obscure music references."

Yes. That can be annoying, but the best thing to do is in that situation is just text a friend that you know will get it. What is more annoying is when there is a really cool song is in a movie or playing somewhere it shouldn't be and no one knows that it's amazing that the obscure song is being used, and that's why I have to go with a yes on this item.

9. "When you ask someone what they’re into and they say, 'Oh, you know. Anything.'”

Yes. But the wording of this one really matters. When someone says that they are into "all kinds of stuff" and then they are able to at least name some interesting things they like, fine. But if they just have a vague "anything" response, then yeah, that sucks. 

10. "Or they say they don't really listen to music."

Yes. Well, I guess it doesn't bother me; I just pity them. Unless they're into some kind of art, be it film, painting, sculpture . . . something! But it makes me wonder what kind of life they are leading where they're not stopping to appreciate anything beautiful in the world as it passes them by.

- - - -- - - -- - -- - -- - - -- - -- - -

Okay, this list is long. Maybe I'll tackle the other 11 on the list next time. I'm 5 out of 10 so far.  What do you all think? Do you agree or disagree with any of these? Are you a music obsessed nut-job type? Bottom line is this: I would have been a yes to every one of these about 5 years ago, so what does that say about me? I'm growing up? For better or worse?

The Iditarod is going on this week, a race in negative 100 degree temperature where you are pulled on a sled by 8 for 8 or 9 days.  Off the top of my head, I would rather do these 5 things for 8 days straight . . . 

1. Cash in an 8 day pass to the Milli Vanilli museum in Austria.

2. Be homeless in San Diego for 8 days.

3. Eat nothing but Taco Bell for 8 days without the use of toilet paper.

4. Not masturbate for 8 days (I might get on the sled and have a wank in the cold after 4 days . . .)

5. Wash Honey Boo Boo's mom's necks for 8 straight mornings.  

That's three necks by my count.


What about you, Seven Readers?  What might you do instead?

A to Z Farts

Well, the last blog was about pooping, and I'm sorry to say that this one is about farting.  Now, without thinking about each letter for more than a few seconds, I give you every type of fart from A to Z.

A - Aroma therapy fart
B - Barrage of farts
C - Chimichanga fart
D - Dangerous fart
E - Effervescing fart
F - Full blast fart
G - Gorgeous fart
H - Helluva fart
I - Impossibly bad fart
J - Joyous fart
K - Kissed by a fart
L - Lackluster fart
M - Mediocre fart (seem to be hitting the run of the mill farts around here)
N - Napalm strike fart
O - Omnipotent farting
P - Perennial
Q - Quit farting already fart!
R - Relaxed fart
S - Sharting fart (or perhaps the snart, when you sneeze and a fart eeks out - Thank you, Chudd).
T - Treacherous fart
U - Unmistakably a fart
V - Vicious fart
W - Wasn't a fart at all.  Must have been the leather couch cushion .
X - X-men fart (mutant power farts)
Y - Yes, that was my fart.
Z - Zangief holding you down and farting on you fart.

"Ref!  Help!  Can he do that?"

Your mission, readers, if you choose to accept it, is to take one of these types of farts and describe it in detail.  That or just say what an idiot I am or whatever else you wanna say.  

The Top 5 Reasons People Run Marathons

5. Running is a time to sort you mind out, and most runners will tell you that it's the time where they can think most clearly.

4. It is man versus nature.  It is man versus the open road, and we're drawn to those sorts of conflicts, battles of wills.

3. It promotes good cardiovascular health, and with a race looming around the corner, it motivates us to keep training on those days where we want to sleep in.

2. Once you do a race, you want to do a longer one.  Then when you do a half-marathon, inevitably someone says to you, "Anyone who can do a half can do a full."  That goes in the back of your head, and the next time you want to sign up for another half, you think about that.

1. We run marathons so we can feel superior to people who haven't.  Never mind the rest of the list.  It's mostly just this one.

More Crap You Don't Need To Know About Dr. Ken

I couldn't think of a good topic today, so what you're going to get is one of these flipping questionnaires. No, I'm not going to tag any of you to answer these because then you feel obligated to do it, and you feel like a jerk. Just enjoy. Or don't. Either way, but I'll do my best to make it interesting.

1. If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be?

I'm going to say somewhere in Colorado because I like the mountain air out there, but if we're saying anywhere in the world, I think I'd say somewhere like Sweden or Norway. I'll let you know more if I make it out to Scandinavia this summer. Actually, I think I'm more of a city guy, so it might just be here in Chicago. It's all very stressful - probably why I'm a perennial renter.

2. What is your favorite article of clothing?

I just bought a Cleveland Browns shirt that looks good on me. I became a fan one day at the bar when my Bears quarterback threw 3 pics to the same player in the same game. I decided at that point that I'd go sit on the couches with the Browns fans in the bar, and they played an awesome game, beating the defending champ Saints. After that, they beat the Patriots! The rest of the season they started to suck again like they usually do, but I always liked "The Brownies," and I always will.

3. Favorite physical feature on the opposite sex?

I'm not sure there is a name for it, but I like that hip bone area where you can grab onto it - and I don't necessarily mean that in a sexual way. It's just one of the many contours on a woman that make them beautiful, and I appreciate it.

4. What's the best CD that you bought?

A buddy just downloaded the entire Kyuss catalog for me (they are the guys that went on to form Queens of the Stone Age), and they are unbelievable and great to listen to at the gym. A reformed version of Kyuss without the guitar player are touring right now but only in Europe, which seems to be the case with every band I get into.

5. Where are your favorite places to be?

At Wrigley Field and anywhere with my friends and family, "wrastling" with my nephews, making them laugh uncontrollably.

6. Where's your least favorite place to be?

Waiting. For anything. When I was a kid, I'd ask my parents before we went out to eat, "Are we having fast food or slow food?"

7. What's your favorite place to be massaged?

My hands. The gal who cuts my hair puts a hot towel on my face while she gives me a hand massage, and it's like heaven. She also does the scalp, which would place in a close second.

8. What's most important: strong in body or strong in mind?

The mind for sure. What a dumb question - must have been written by someone who is week minded but with shredded abs and shit.

9. What time do you wake up in the morning?

7 AM on weekdays
10 AM on weekends

10. What is your favorite kitchen appliance?

I'm big on the blender lately, whipping up protein shakes most every day with bananas, peanut butter, and sometimes coffee - because I'm a caffeine junky. A good question for one of these things would be, "Would you rather give up caffeine or alcohol?" As a guy who likes vodka/red bulls, having both drugs at once, I don't have an answer for this. Told you it's a good question.

11. What makes you really angry?

People who suck and can't have a good time and seem to have no problem sucking a whole room of people into their suckiness.

12. Do you believe in an afterlife?

Sadly, no. I don't, but I hope I'm wrong. Odds are if it is true, and I spent my whole life not believing, then I probably wouldn't be going there, but it would be good to know people deserving of going would.

13. Favorite children's book?

"A Light in the Attic" by Shel Silverstein. He was the man, and he wrote "Boy Named Sue" too. When I was a kid, I really thought that he had a beard covering his whole body like that one goofy cartoon of him in the book.

14. What's your favorite household chore?

I really don't mind cleaning the bathroom that much, and it feels so good to have it done. Jeez, that one was boring. Sorry.

15. If you have a tattoo, what is it?

I don't, but I always wanted to get the Autobot and Decepticon symbols on each shoulder blade, as my shoulder region is one of my presentable regions. However, then the "Transformers" movies came out and sucked, so I scratched that idea. Still, since I'm turning 34 in like a week, I think the whole tattoo thing has passed me by, and with it tattoos based on toys.

16. What's in the trunk of your car?

A baseball bat. I work in some tough neighborhoods sometimes, so I like to keep a perfectly legal Louisville Slugger in the old trunk for emergencies.

17. Do you prefer sushi or a hamburger?

Well, you caught me immediately following a terrible sushi experience, so I'm going to go burger, being the more consistent of the two. So tonight, I was already giving the driver a really generous tip, and then he conveniently didn't have enough change, making me tip him even more. Then they forgot my wasabi, and the rolls were falling apart and not very good. A burger is always a burger - hard to mess up, unless it's at Hooters, but then there is good scenery, usually.

So, yeah, if you want to do this questionnaire or another, go for it. If you want to comment on one of these in the comment section, great. I will probably suspect that you only read that one question, and I'm not saying I would blame you for that.

Gance on.

Getting To Know Dr. Ken. Getting To Know All About Dr. Ken.

I have no topic today, so I'm going to answer these questions, quickly, because I'm tired as hell. Here goes . . .

* What's your favorite horror movie?
Night of the Living Dead. It's still so entertaining, and so many movies have derived from that one low budget wonderful movie with most of the actors having no experience.

* Do you do dance crazy when no one is looking at you?
I dance crazy whether people are looking or not. I don't give a good God damn what people think about my dancing. If you're living life self-conscious, you're just not living life.

* Do you like to sing while you are taking a shower? What do sing in the shower if you do sing?
Hell yeah I sing in the shower. I air guitar and air drum in the shower too.

* What's your favorite color?
Blue, only because it's the color that looks the best on me because of my blue eyes.

* Do you think people should eat the fish they catch, or just let them go?
I think you might as well eat it. How would you like to have a hook in your mouth, be pulled under water or somewhere you couldn't breathe, and then thrown back. It's pretty traumatic, and I wouldn't want to go through that more than a couple times. Just go ahead and eat me.

* What do you like better hands or feet?
I like hands and feet a lot on girls. When I'm into a girl, I'm all over both of those - not in a sexual way, just a loving way.

* Do you like curly hair or straight?
Can I say wavy? I like wavy.

* What's your favorite drink?
Lately, Amstel Light.

* Where did you grow up?
A Western suburb of Chicago, Illinois. My folks still live there, and the sign says "A nice place to live" when you drive in. True.

* What do you do in your spare time?
I write, work out, play volleyball . . .

* Do you have any pets?
None, but I want a dog pretty bad.

* What type of music do you like?
Anything that moves me.

* What do you think you would be 20 years down the lane?
Retired, hopefully. Published, hopefully, and looking back on a pretty awesome life, hopefully.

* What sort of a life partner do you expect?
One who gets my sense of humor, enjoys my company, and has faith in me.

* Which is the place you'd love to visit?
Sweden and Norway to meet relatives that my parents and aunt met that I have not, and I hear that everyone is cool as shit out there.

* What's your worst/best memory of high school and why?
I felt invisible in high school, so I would say it was pretty much one collective shitty experience. What's sad is that I honestly couldn't tell you my favorite memory.

* If you knew today was your last day on Earth, how would you spend it and why?
I'd spend it with my family and closest friends, and I'd "write my words on the face of today."

* What is the most rewarding experience you have had and what made it so?
I guess I would say writing, directing, and producing a play that was well liked.

* Who or what inspires you and why?
I'm inspired by people who never give up, people who live life to the fullest, and people who remain positive and accomplish their goals. I'm also inspired by good music and good art in general.

Okay, it wasn't funny, but I'm not feeling funny right now - and I'm not really feeling all that introspective or even interesting at the moment. So, that's all I got today.

The Suburbs Will Suck Your Soul

I hate losing contact with my friends from the suburbs. It's not that I like them any less than my city dwelling friends, it just happens. It reaches a point where it's a standoff: They hate coming out here and I hate going out there. It's like, I have this terrific city all around me, and they have . . . Naperville. Sure the suburbs can be fun, if by fun you mean going to the same two bars every weekend to watch the cool kids from high school become bigger and bigger losers over the years, and then hop in your car, only to be followed by a DUI-ticket-writing-hungry, suburban cop who has no real crimes to fight. I came up with percentages for the reasons I think the suburban friends have for not coming out, and my good friend Roxana helped me with a pie chart. Thanks, Roxy. However, I can't figure out how to get the pie chart on my blog, so you'll just have to form a little pie chart in your head, which is a pretty fun way to pass the time. Enjoy.

70%: There is nowhere to park in that fucking city. Why don't they have any God damned parking lots? After driving around looking for an hour, I just want to go home, drink a sixer, and go to sleep.

20%: $6.50 for one Heineken? I can get a twelve pack of Busch light for that in the burbs.

7% $5 cover charge? That's bullshit. I've been to Joanie's Dry Dock dozens of time, and not ONCE has Joanie asked me for a cover charge.

2% I'd like to come out to Chicago, but I have to get a fresh start on my lawn early tomorrow morning, or the neighbors will start talking about me.

1% Just come out by me! Hootie and the Blowfish are playing Ribfest in Naperville!

The Gospel According To Frank Zappa

Someone I know did a post in which you use your favorite band's song titles to answer the questions below. Although Frank Zappa isn't my favorite, he is certainly among them, and his songs have the funniest titles, by far. It should be noted that I only used songs that are in my personal catalogue. I hope you enjoy the list, and I'd love to see your version, either in comment form or posted on your blog.

1. Are you male or female? Muffin Man

2. Describe yourself: I Can’t Afford No Shoes

3. How do some people feel about you: Dancin’ Fool

4. How do you feel about yourself: I’m So Cute

5. Describe your ex girlfriend: Crew Slut

6. Describe your current significant other: Road Ladies


7. Describe where you want to be: Wild Love

8. Describe how you live: Broken Hearts Are For Assholes

9. Describe how you love: Advanced Romance and Dirty Love (tie)

10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish: Titties and Beer

11. Share a few words of wisdom: Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow

12. Now say goodbye: Wait a Minute . .

Wow, these titles make me sound like a pervert or something. Well, that's just Frank for you. If I chose another band the list would have a whole different feel. Frank, thanks for giving me a good laugh while sorting through some of the titles of songs I love.

More Than Meets the Eye

http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=2160&SectionID=3

Disclamer: I am posting a site about Transformers and The Gobots. Yes they are toys. I'm sorry if I am alienating some of my female readers or my readers that think they are too cool to talk about toys. Wait, I don't care about the too cool for toys people. You people suck! The rest of you, enjoy this link.

The link is to an article written on the phatphree.com. The guys on this site do a great job at writing humorous articles. I read one once written from the perspective of a hardass in a striped shirt going out to the bars - very funny stuff there. In this article, the author ranks the top 5 crappiest Transformers and Gobots.

- I tend to agree with his number 1. What kid would have fun playing with a robot that turns into a rock? That is like a cruel joke, like giving a kid a lump of coal in his/her stocking.

- I don't like Grimlock being number 5. I see his point about dinosaurs not being able to blend in on earth like a car could, for instance, but Grimlock is the shit. This guy must not have seen Transformers the movie 800 times like me, or the Canadian version with the handful of curse words, for that matter, because Grimlock is part of the reason that the movie kicks ass, well, that and Judd Nelson lending his vocal talents to portray Hotrod.

- I agree with his dissing of Perceptor too. Come on! A telescope?? On the show he was a pacifist, Green Peace, hippy who wouldn't shoot anyone. That is until the movie when he just up and starts shooting Decepticons like it was going out of style. I always wondered if that was because the writers didn't research the show's history, or if Perceptor just snapped like a disgruntled postal worker from endless days of looking at slides while all the cool Transformers ran around solving mysteries and getting in adventures.

Anyone have any thoughts? I promise I'll get back to writing about stuff more people can relate to, but I had to let my inner nerd shine, if only for a moment.