Random, Random, Random Updates

1. So we were thinking of being the X-Men for Halloween as a family. I'm going as Gambit because I think he is just such a cool character who was never represented well in the films. The wife is going to be Storm. She and I are just going to piece together our outfits with thrift store stuff. Erik (who will be 4-years-old next month) is going to be Wolverine - probably will have to spring for a costume. And do you know what Erik said? "Do you know what would be funny? Desi (our 1-year-old) can be Professor X!" It's actually a great idea. We can push him in the stroller when we trick-or-treat and make the stroller look like a wheelchair with big X's for wheels, put him in a suit, and he's already pretty much bald. It's going to be great. If there is trick-or-Covid-treat. 

2. This upcoming weekend we are going to stay at a hotel with a swimming pool for a little "staycation." We got two adjoining rooms so that hopefully we can put the kids to bed and enjoy a little alone time. That's wishful thinking, so we will see. 

3. I finally got my used mountain bike working and will test it out on some trails this weekend with my good friends Choo Choo Train and Night Train.

4. Today I took Erik to school with the jogging stroller for about a 1.2 mile run, and then did another 3 or so miles or so, pushing an empty stroller for a grand total of 4.38 miles. But then I was able to push it around the grocery store and carry groceries in it, so it felt worth having it. When I went to pick him up I walked the jogging stroller up there with his scooter and helmet in it, and we walked all the way to the library and back home, logging in another 3.72 mile walk for me. My feet are killing me now, so no running tomorrow. 

5. One of my fantasy football leagues has a professional wrestling theme this season. This is a dream come true for me, but I'm a little disappointed in myself for not coming up with a good team name. So far my finalists are The Diamond Dallas Cowboys or The Dog Faced Gremlins. I'm not in love with either. Help me out if you can!

That's all I got, friends. Hope all is well with all of you. Hit me with a random, random, random update in the comments. 

I'm taking a sick day, and while searching for Halloween costume ideas, I came across this photo.


Is anyone else really disturbed by this?

Also, can anyone think of a good costume idea for your old friend, Dr. Ken?

Halloween Was Good, Except for THE MAN Trying to Keep the GREEN Man Down

Last night a guy at the door of this SHITTY bar in Chicago called Mix was giving me a hard time about my ID, like it's not me or like I'm not 21. I was dressed as Frankenstein with a green cap with scars and black hair, and my face was painted green. I suppose I looked a little different than I did in the picture, considering I WAS DRESSED AS FUCKING FRANKENSTEIN, but this guy was a real cock about it. I'm 29, so maybe green paint hides my age. Shit, why is it not socially acceptable to walk around in green paint? I'd mix it up, like The Hulk on Tuesdays, the Jolly Green Giant on Thursday's, Gazoo on Fridays . . . Anyway, this guy was like a frustrated cop, shining his big, stupid flash light in my face. I'm all, "Ask me anything you want about my ID. I'm me. I've been me all my life." Of all questions, he asks me, "Where did you get your driver's license." Now, I've gotten many a license at many a location, so I'm like, "I don't know. Is it in Naperville or does it say Chicago?" He's all, "It ain't Naperville." So I'm all, "Well, does it say the specific location in Chicago? I guess I'll say on Elston?" Thankfully, or maybe not thankfully, since the bar sucks, he got busy with something else and just let me in. So, I paid my 10 dollar cover to get into a shitty bar, and yes, this bar is shitty, and I got harassed by flipping T.J. Hooker with an attitude.

I'm going in there another night covered in green paint and with every aspect of my ID MEMORIZED, right down to the quality of lamination. Just when I pass his battery of questions, I'm going to say, "Fuck you and your bar!" Then I'll say a few phrases from the green man I will be dressed as on the evening in question. Let's see if you can guess which one:

"Yo ho ho! My green dick wouldn't fuck the skanky yo ho ho's in this joint for all the frozen peas in Jewel!"

Costumes for the Ages . . .

I thought of a great Halloween costume today. Doesn’t it always seem like you come up with a great idea when it’s like a year away from Halloween, but during the months leading up to October 31st, you rule out everything and end up cutting holes in a sheet and going as a half-assed ghost or something? You know, I totally forgot what my Halloween costume idea was. I’m destined to have a last second shitty one again.

The notion of costumes got me thinking about some of the best costumes I’ve ever seen.

Best costume I saw this year goes to a girl dressed up as a Contestant on the TV show Double Dare. I saw this young lady at Carol’s Pub, one of my favorite late night bars in Chicago, and she said to me, “Would you like to do a physical challenge.” When a girl says something like that to you the perverted lines you could throw back at her should be endless, but I think in my state I settled for, “Sure.” Not creative, but it was the right answer because she proceeded to pour a shot into the shot glass strapped to her helmut and bent over to pour it in my mouth. What a fun chick, right?

Last year’s best costume I saw was a guy dressed up as Teen Wolf, but not just Teen Wolf, the Teen Wolf from the Basketball Sequence. Very well done. I would have liked to have discussed the beauty of that movie with him but we were walking past each other right by Wrigley Field. I would have liked to have thrown on a fat suit and a bball uniform and went as the Fat Kid from Teen Wolf. The two of us could have had one hell of an evening “car surfing” and the like. The car surfing scene was in Teen Wolf, and not its ill fated sequel, Teen Wolf Two, starring TV’s Justin Bateman, right? I’m too lazy to look it up.

And now for my best all time costumes:

This year I went as Jay from Jay and Silent Bob. My Silent Bob backed out on me at the last minute, but I actually went as Jay and Silent Bob in college when I had long hair, and I had a Silent Bob with me that evening. We almost won a costume contest, but it was a popularity contest, and we didn’t roll into the bar 30 frat brothers strong like the clowns that won.

The year before I went as a Piece of White Trash. I had on some acid washed jeans, an AC/DC shirt (that has worked its way into my regular rotation), a mullet wig, and fake bad teeth. I learned a valuabe lesson that year: DON’T EVER MAKE YOURSELF LESS ATTRACTIVE ON HALLOWEEN. Girls seem to know this. They always go as something sexy, and God bless them for that. Why I thought to go as trailor trash I’ll never know. I mean these fake teeth were so bad that they changed my entire facial structure and made me look like a whole different person. I might have been okay if I had simply altered my costume, but I thought it would be a good idea to stay in character when girls politely asked me to take the disgusting teeth out. Like I said, I learned a valuable lesson.

My ALL TIME GREATEST COSTUME was when I went as Rick Allen from Def Leppard, fresh off the accident. I had a Def Leppard shirt, a bandana on my head, drumsticks in my pocket, the drummer gloves (as if he would have been driving around with that stuff), and I stuffed my arm in my shirt and had fake blood and gummy worms coming out of my stump to look like veins. (Clap, clap, clap …. Bravo!!!!)