Sunday, October 29, 2006

Halloween Was Good, Except for THE MAN Trying to Keep the GREEN Man Down

Last night a guy at the door of this SHITTY bar in Chicago called Mix was giving me a hard time about my ID, like it's not me or like I'm not 21. I was dressed as Frankenstein with a green cap with scars and black hair, and my face was painted green. I suppose I looked a little different than I did in the picture, considering I WAS DRESSED AS FUCKING FRANKENSTEIN, but this guy was a real cock about it. I'm 29, so maybe green paint hides my age. Shit, why is it not socially acceptable to walk around in green paint? I'd mix it up, like The Hulk on Tuesdays, the Jolly Green Giant on Thursday's, Gazoo on Fridays . . . Anyway, this guy was like a frustrated cop, shining his big, stupid flash light in my face. I'm all, "Ask me anything you want about my ID. I'm me. I've been me all my life." Of all questions, he asks me, "Where did you get your driver's license." Now, I've gotten many a license at many a location, so I'm like, "I don't know. Is it in Naperville or does it say Chicago?" He's all, "It ain't Naperville." So I'm all, "Well, does it say the specific location in Chicago? I guess I'll say on Elston?" Thankfully, or maybe not thankfully, since the bar sucks, he got busy with something else and just let me in. So, I paid my 10 dollar cover to get into a shitty bar, and yes, this bar is shitty, and I got harassed by flipping T.J. Hooker with an attitude.

I'm going in there another night covered in green paint and with every aspect of my ID MEMORIZED, right down to the quality of lamination. Just when I pass his battery of questions, I'm going to say, "Fuck you and your bar!" Then I'll say a few phrases from the green man I will be dressed as on the evening in question. Let's see if you can guess which one:

"Yo ho ho! My green dick wouldn't fuck the skanky yo ho ho's in this joint for all the frozen peas in Jewel!"

14 comments:

Cherry Ride said...

What a prick. But you know, had Ling Ling been there, he/I would have fucked that TJ Hooker-wannabe up, because Ling Ling is a bad-ass Panda.

classyandfancy said...

I think being the Hulk or Green Lantern would be a better way to channel all that agression.

Do you think kicking an inflatable football at him would have helped?

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Cherry: Ling Ling does not play around! That would have been HILARIOUS if you got in his face w/ your cute, little panda suit.

Classy: You were better at kicking the inflatable ball randomly into crowds of people, but I will say that the punch to the gut that you gave Luke Longly would have knocked the wind out of T.J. Hooker so bad his MOMMA would have felt it.

Cherry Ride said...

I was totally hoping to kick someone's ass for halloween too. How awesome would that be if some jerk got their ass beat by a panda?

Well, I guess there is still tonight at the parade on Halsted in Boystown. Is it considered gay bashing if the basher and bashee are both gay?

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Boy, I didn't know gay bars were so strict!

darci ann said...

let's see a picture of the franken-beast!! :)

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Cherry: How was the parade?

Dyk: It was only a gay bar figuratively.

Darci: Go to Cherry's page and check out his flicker for pics. In Cherry's words: PROPER!

Steph said...

Clearly, green makes people look younger.

There's gotta be a business venture in that.
Forget expensive plastic surgery. Get some green paint on your face!

Loudlush said...

I love The Hulk, he rocks, but do you really think he has a green dick??? I've never really thought about that before. Ew.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Steph: I'm willing to try it. Did you SEE the photos on Cherry's page? I look like a green mac daddy!!

Lush: You've never wondered about The Hulk's member? Of COURSE it's green. It's as green as it is angry.

Ms Smack said...

hehehe, maybe when you hit that 30 mark, you might feel flattered that he asks you :)

Ms Smack said...

I checked out the pics on Cherry's page and I can see why you got asked for ID. You have a cute little baby face! thats why! Tall or not, you look cute.

Great pics!

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Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Smack: I'm responding two years later to your comment, but thanks. I do still have a baby face. I just need to work on the baby mind.