Monday, October 16, 2006

Nude Field Goal Kicking???!?!?!

I didn't think my night could get any better after, to quote a friend, "the best worst game ever or worst best game ever," but then I heard God speak to me on the radio. First the game. The Chicago Bears turned the ball over 6 times, we were down 20 at half, and we scored ZERO offensive touchdowns. I am taking full credit for this victory, because I tried everything to shake up this Bear offense. I changed chairs, changed lighting, and put on a head band for the 2nd half. You know what did it though? I turned the television off. After the 6th turnover, down 13, and with hardly any time left on the clock, I was disgusted and went off to bed. I won the game with that move, and frankly I'm really pissed that Brian Urlacher didn't thank me in his press conference.

Now back to the subject at hand. As I'm brushing my teeth I hear an advertisement on the radio for The Admiral Theatre, a local Chicago strip joint, and I could have sworn I heard Nude Field Goal Kicking. But I couldn't have heard that because that is simply too funny and brilliant. If something that awesome existed then we wouldn't have any problems with Korea and nuclear weapons. George and that guy with the big glasses would have a beer, watch a few greased up nude girls fall down trying to kick a ball, have a few laughs, and then immediately both disarm.

So, I did a little google search to see if I heard what I thought I heard. I found nothing on The Admiral website mentioning any football related nakedness, but I didn't give up there. I actually called them up and spoke to a representative. Here was the conversation.

Me: I just heard an advertisement on the radio, and did they say nude field goal kicking?
Nudey Bar Receptionist: Yes. Every Monday night after the game.
Me: So, we're talking 3 nude girls? One snapping, one holding, and one kicking a field goal?
NBR: Yeah, I guess. Every Monday.
Me: I will see you on Monday.

A week from today The Gancer may be engaging in some investigative reporting, and I just might walk on as a long snapper . . .*

*For my Austrailian readers, a long snapper is the guy who hikes the football between his legs a long distance. Typically, that is all he does, unlike the center, who hikes the ball and blocks every other down. The long snapper hikes the ball and gets mauled over by marauding opponents who are trying to block punts.

16 comments:

classyandfancy said...

Do they take titty bucks? 'Cause you know I've been looking for a reason to obtain/use them and combining football with that revelry is the best reason I've heard thus far. . .

Regarding that game tonight. I too was disgusted to no end, I took my big ass orange plastic earrings out after the half, and was walking out of the door to go home when Hester ran the punt back for the td to tie it. I think Urlacher should be thanking me.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Between your ear ring removal and my television turning off abilities we won this thing.

Cherry Ride said...

OK, three comments:
1. I can't believe you actually called them.
2. Thanks for explaining the long snapper. Because you don't have to be Australian to NOT know what that is.
3. Will we need to leave work early on Monday to get there on time?

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

BFF:
1. Of course I called them. That thought would have lurked in the recesses of my mind all night, and it would have kept me from sleeping.
2. I like to think someone can learn a little something from every post. Now you can impress your friends with your football knowledge the next time you are watching football at Crew. You see, I learned about Crew, the gay sports bar, from reading KB's page. The circle of life . . .
3. Yes. We need time to stretch, find football half-shirts, and fluff the talent.
3.

Matt said...

Oh, the reasons to come to Chicago just keep growing!

Loudlush said...

Thanks for the description of long snappers for we Antipodeans. I actually prefer the first visual that popped into my mind and am about to go revisit that, but I do look forward to hearing about your adventures next Monday night.

Do I want to know what "titty bucks" are??

God's Child said...

that's amazing. Let your fingers do the walking. Aren't you glad you called first?

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Matt: If the adventures of Classy, Cherry, and myself don't convince you that Chicago is a good time than nothing will.

Lush: For a description of "titty bucks" dig back into a September post. Welcome back, lush!

God's: Reach out and touch someone, like a nude kicker.

ocg said...

I need to hear full details of this... it's almost too much to picture.

Though I imagine you have several times by now....

darci ann said...

there is a great Seinfeld, which covers the topic of good naked and bad naked. while all naked may be bad for me, i fear nude field goal kicking might be on the bad naked list even for hotties.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

OCG: I'll give you a full report. Maybe pictures too! Cherry, you have a camera so OCG can see some pics?

Darci: This would not be good naked, but it WOULD be funny naked. In other words, I'm going more for laughs than for stiffies. I said stiffies . . .

Steph said...

I think I'd like to see that too.
Post pics :P

kb said...

the fact that you called to find out more info instantly makes you my new hero.

oh- and if you ever want to watch football from chicago's premiere (ie: only) gay sports bar, let me know. cherry/will will have to join us.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Steph: I'll be sure to post photos, and I may even do an interview with the star kicker.

KB: Maybe we should hit the gay sports bar and then the naked field goal kicking. That would be a well-rounded evening.

ocg said...

Soooo????

I have been dying to hear if you went...

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

OC- Sorry to dissapoint, but I didn't make it. I'm thinking over Christmas Break for sure!