Random, Random, Random Updates

1. So we were thinking of being the X-Men for Halloween as a family. I'm going as Gambit because I think he is just such a cool character who was never represented well in the films. The wife is going to be Storm. She and I are just going to piece together our outfits with thrift store stuff. Erik (who will be 4-years-old next month) is going to be Wolverine - probably will have to spring for a costume. And do you know what Erik said? "Do you know what would be funny? Desi (our 1-year-old) can be Professor X!" It's actually a great idea. We can push him in the stroller when we trick-or-treat and make the stroller look like a wheelchair with big X's for wheels, put him in a suit, and he's already pretty much bald. It's going to be great. If there is trick-or-Covid-treat. 

2. This upcoming weekend we are going to stay at a hotel with a swimming pool for a little "staycation." We got two adjoining rooms so that hopefully we can put the kids to bed and enjoy a little alone time. That's wishful thinking, so we will see. 

3. I finally got my used mountain bike working and will test it out on some trails this weekend with my good friends Choo Choo Train and Night Train.

4. Today I took Erik to school with the jogging stroller for about a 1.2 mile run, and then did another 3 or so miles or so, pushing an empty stroller for a grand total of 4.38 miles. But then I was able to push it around the grocery store and carry groceries in it, so it felt worth having it. When I went to pick him up I walked the jogging stroller up there with his scooter and helmet in it, and we walked all the way to the library and back home, logging in another 3.72 mile walk for me. My feet are killing me now, so no running tomorrow. 

5. One of my fantasy football leagues has a professional wrestling theme this season. This is a dream come true for me, but I'm a little disappointed in myself for not coming up with a good team name. So far my finalists are The Diamond Dallas Cowboys or The Dog Faced Gremlins. I'm not in love with either. Help me out if you can!

That's all I got, friends. Hope all is well with all of you. Hit me with a random, random, random update in the comments. 

Dad Tip: The Hulkster Test

Sometimes when you're rocking a baby in an attempt to get them to fall asleep, you lay them down and they're instantly awake again the second their head touches the crib. It is like they feel the gravity of being lowered down and say, "I'm up! I got more crying to do! Nobody is sleeping around here!" As the nights go on, you start to get a sense of if they're just momentarily sleeping or if they're out cold sleeping. There is a difference.

This leads me to another Dad Tip, this time referencing something any dad worth a damn can relate to: professional wrestling. What you do is give your youngster the Hulkster test. Remember when Hulk Hogan got locked in a sleeper hold*, perhaps Ted Dibiase's Million Dollar Dream, but really any finishing move that causes the opponent to lose consciousness? What the referee would do to see if Hogan could continue after the choke hold is lift Hulk's arm up in the air, and it would flop lifelessly down on the mat. Then he would do it a second time with the same result. Now, on the third hoisting of Mr. Hogan's python, if his arm hit the floor again the match would end in a victory for his opponent. Of course this would never happen because just before that hand would hit the floor he would stop it dead in its tracks and start shaking it. Then he would shake his head no, as if to say, "I'm not out yet." His opponent would then look all scared because if his finishing move wasn't enough, what chance did he have now?



So punches would be thrown at the Hulk in desperation, but The Hulkster would just keep shaking his head. And I think you know how the rest goes. Hogan throws the dude off the ropes, guy bounces and runs back towards him defenselessly for some reason, eats a boot to the face, Hulk gets a running start by bouncing himself off the ropes, and then he does a flying leg drop, landing 300 pounds on the guy's face via that overly tanned thigh meat, pins him, and that's the match.

So what I'm suggesting for today's Dad Tip** is lifting the baby's arm like a WWE referee to see if the kid is ready to sleep for real or just trying to bring some drama and excitement into the bedtime match that he knows he is going to win.

________________________________________

*I saw an interview of Hulk Hogan where he said that he wished he did a sleeper hold as his own finishing move instead of his leg drop because all that weight crashing down ended up doing irreparable damage to his spine.

**Hulk Hogan had somewhat of a Dad Tip of his own: "To all of my Hulkamaniacs out there, say your prayers and eat your vitamins and you'll never go wrong."

Old School Rap For an Old-Ass Dad

While having breakfast with Erik Noisewater this morning, I'm not exactly sure what made me put it on, but I keyed up "Enter the 36 Chambers" by The Wu-Tang Clan on my Sonos. I haven't listened to that one all the way through perhaps since the last millennium. As a matter of fact, this may have been the first time I have heard it in any other form besides cassette. You see, back in the mid 1990's when you bought an album, part of the process of deciding if you wanted the CD or the tape was whether or not you anticipated putting it on in the car or at home. You had to be rich to have a CD player in the car. Rap music to me was just cool as fuck to roll to in the car to like a pimp; leaned way back with one hand on the wall. You know, a white, dorky pimp.

Best pic of a Wu-Tang dad I could find.

There will never be another group like the Wu. A collection of rappers that talented from the same projects, all with something to say, with a sense of humor, with artistry and integrity, and with a brand new gritty style no one had ever heard. Very rarely can I listen to a rap album all the way through, especially as I get older. Even back then, I always thought it a little too bold of an idea when guys were coming out with double disc rap albums. But if there were 36 tracks on the Wu's debut, I gladly would have cruised the mean streets of my boring suburban town listening to every last one. Actually, it is so rare that I will listen to a rap album all the way through. I came up with this analogy, and let me know if it makes any sense to you.

Rappers are like professional wrestlers. So awesome to me back then, but as an adult I can't tell you anything about the modern day ones. 

I could go down the rabbit hole from hell researching 1980's pro wrestlers, and I can still kick some rhymes when I hear those throw-back rap joints.

Behold: Ravishing Rick Rude. The best bad guy wrestler ever with his porno mustache, mullet, and sick abs, about to give some fool the Rude Awakening. 

I have heard Kendrick Lamar is incredible, but I can't say that I have heard one thing by him. Still, I give him credit for going by his given name. Takes balls because those rapper names are so much more fun to think of and easier for fans to remember. Chance the Rapper sounds like just about the greatest guy for my city of Chicago, and I love everything he does for his home town. I just don't know squat about his music. It is like those lyrics just don't enter my brain like they used. They all soaked in there and stayed forever when I was a kid. I would hear a Beastie Boys song and have the whole song memorized after two listens. Now I hear that autotune sound and I just tune out, so to speak. There is no more room in my clogged-up, old balls brain.

Before the Internet there was no way to know for sure what all the lyrics were unless there was a lyric sheet in the album. Rap albums rarely had those. Metal albums almost always did, and they would even tell you which guy played each guitar solo. To figure out the rap lyrics I would put on headphones and write down each line and rewind them. Sometimes I would have to just jot down what it sounded like phonetically.

Even Ja Rule loves puppies.

I'm almost always playing my Sirius radio stations in the car, but on the actual radio there is a station, 104.3, which is all old school hip-hop and R & B. The other day I heard them playing that Ja Rule duet where the girl goes, "Love it when you fuck me, baby." Haaaayoooooo! They forgot to play the edited version. Young Erik Noisewater learned some new fun words in his car seat that morning. Some of the songs I never would have thought of until they popped up in the car 30 years later. For instance, "Freak Like Me" by Adina Howard.



This slice of R & B badd-assery came out a few years before Lil' Kim or Foxxy Brown. No woman back then was announcing that she was "freak," liked to hit it and quit it, and was every bit of a "dog" as the fellas, whilst she stuck her disproportionate derriere into the camera.

Hey, so I have to run. Baby Noisewater has a 1st birthday party for one of his little friends. That's our life now. Right or wrong. Anyone have any thoughts on old school rap, wrestling, song lyrics, or anything at all? Hit me up in 'dem comments!

Long Live "Rowdy" Roddy Piper

A good friend of mine called me up last night close to midnight when I was intent on staying in, but I hadn't seen her in a while so I met her out for a couple.  I was glad I did because the 1980's science fiction classic "They Live" was on starring none other than Rowdy Roddy.  In case you have never seen it, Roddy's character is a homeless man working odd jobs in construction when he discovers an underground rebellion fighting back against aliens who walk among us; You can't see them until you put on some special sunglasses.

Well, it seems Roddy didn't have a friend in the world, so he tried to convince the only guy he really did know, character actor Keith David, to put on these glasses to see for himself all the subliminal messages on billboards and scary alien faces behind the fake flesh.  Unfortunately, Keith wasn't convinced and thought The Rowdy One was nuts, as anyone might, so he wouldn't agree to put on the sunglasses.  This results in a six minute epic fist fight complete with body slams, swinging two-by-fours, and repeated hard knees to the groin.  I just love that director John Carpenter decided that there was no other way to demonstrate the reluctance someone might feel to believe an alien conspiracy then to let loose with an awesome drawn out fist fight!



You all should check it out.

It's also worth having a look at some of the classic 80's episodes of Rody's talk show during WWF broadcasts, "Piper's Pit," in which he would invariably end up beating up his guest.  "Saturday Night Live" really should have mailed him a check because it's the exact same concept as "The Joe Pesci Show."  Get a look at this one where he gives a jobber (wrestler who makes a career out of losing) from Columbus, Ohio a chance to be on the show but then ends up getting frustrated at his lack of success and whips his ass for no good reason. 

"The Mouth of the South"

When kids at my work have a big mouth, I like to call them "The Mouth of the South." Now, they have no idea that this is in reference to the 1980's professional wrestling manager, Jimmy Hart. Nor do they have any idea that he carried a megaphone and managed folks the likes of Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, The HonkyTonk Man, and Greg "The Hammer" Valentine.

I want to be a professional wrestling manager in the worst way. I figure I don't have a big enough physique to compete, but I do have a big enough mouth to be an extremely annoying manager, meddling in the affairs of the match, distracting referees, and sneaking folding chairs into the ring when no one is looking. This might be my calling. That and giving kids at my work funny nicknames . . .

The Iron Sheik

The best things about this clip of 1980's professional wrestler, The Iron Sheik, going bananas in order of their occurrences in this clip are . . . (and don't forget to turn off the music player on the right before hitting play)

1. His rapid mood change of nostalgia and happiness to outright disgust and contempt when the name of The Killer Bee's tag team member, Brian Blair, comes to his mind.

2.Sheik accidentally saying that Blair is a "fag" worse than Michael Jordan, but then immediately correcting himself to say "Michael Jackson." I must say, I was thrown at first at his mention of Jordan.

3. He comes out of his scowl to give respect to the other member of the Bee's, "Jumpin" Jim Brunzell, especially for being a good high jumper, but then the scowl returns as the subject comes back to Blair - and again, he is said to be a bigger "fag" than The King of Pop.



4. I like the process of breaking a man's back, making him humble, and then fucking his ass. It seems to conflict with his views on homosexuality, but we won't question the Sheik's methods.

5. He then says that he would have engaged in that whole ordeal mentioned in number four of this list, but he had too much respect for his "sport" and for his boss, Vince McMahon. But, had it not been for that, he would have done the ass fucking, part of the "old country way," but this time the steps are a little different. Now, he says he would first suplex him, then put him in the camel clutch - breaking his back, then fuck his ass, and then make him humble.

6. Now he says that he wouldn't do all of this because of God, Jesus, Mr. McMahon. But, again, for the third time, he says that Blair out-fags Michael Jackson, and he would have gladly, also for the third time, done some back breaking, ass fucking, and humble-making.

7. Now he says that he's worse than Hulk Hogan. It seems like everyone hated Hogan because he was a crappy wrestler with limited skills, but in spite of that, moved up the ranks strictly based on his showmanship. But, did he mean worse in that sense or in the gay sense? That's what's unclear here, Iron Sheik.

8. Besides all of the urges to break backs and sodomize someone, "everything was great." Love that ending! Thank you, Sheik!