I'm watching all the Star Wars movies with my eldest of two sons, Erik. I was going to wait until he was a  little older to delve into the films because of some of the violence, like Obi Wan lopping that pig faced dude's arm clean off in A New Hope with blood everywhere, but the night of the Capitol insurrection I had a few to many coping drinks in me and just said to him, "You want to watch Star Wars instead of all this news?" He has a few Star Wars books and knows that we have not watched the films due to the violence so he capitalized on my moment of weakness and gave me an emphatic yes! 

Here are a couple of interesting thoughts Erik had about the movies:

1. "Fin and Rey. Those are both ocean names."

2. "Chebacca's hugs are soft.

3. When Erik gets pissed off and snaps and throws stuff and hits his little brother, I remind him that Kilo Ren does that sort of thing when he gives into the Dark Side and his fits of rage. He also ends up killing his own father, which I'm totally not cool with and make a point of drilling that into Erik as being a not-so-good thing to do.

So the other day when we are getting into the car in the morning, while Erik is crabby about God know what, I'm reminding him how he needs to take deep breaths so that he doesn't give into his anger like Kilo Ren, Erik says, "But Darth Vader uses the Dark Side, and he takes deep breaths." Damn it. He's got me. I tried to explain that Darth's sounds of deep breaths are the machines keeping him alive due to his injuries in the molten hot lava and not at all a coping skill to avoid angry outbursts, but I was tired in the morning, he had me, so I just said "Yeah. You got me there. Let's go to school,"

Set Your Blasters To . . . Fun!

I was in a cab on my way to meet some friends at a bar and chatting with my cab driver.  He was lamenting about there being no laser tag in Chicago.  Yes, a grown-ass man who is dying for some laser tag.  They have them in the suburbs because there are more kids out there, but I was telling him that if they had one in Chicago proper, it would need two things.

The sport of laser tag is perfectly integrated.  

1. Booze.  The thing about Chicagoans is that most any activity when coupled with alcohol suddenly becomes doable.  They have a place not far from me where you can learn how to paint, and it's always packed.  You know why?  Because you can bring your own wine, set it next to your easel, and paint happy, drunk trees.

2. It would need a fun gimmick of some kind, and I'm thinking "Star Wars."  Who wouldn't want to play Rebels against The Empire and dress as a bunch of storm troopers and Vader against Han, Luke, and Leia?  And Chewbacca!  Who among you would not put on a hairy wookie outfit, strap on a crossbow, and run around the halls of the Death Star, howling and shooting storm troopers in the face and balls?  And the bar in there could be the Mos Eisley Spaceport Bar!  A guy could drink blue stuff and cut off arms all night long in a place like that.

I swear to God, Greedo.  I will shoot you right in the green penis.

 The cab driver said that was a great idea and asked if I was in marketing.  "No."  I replied.  "I'm just a drunk who knows how to have a good time."

Darth VS Jody On a Bookshelf Far, Far Away . . .

I have some weird habits.  The kind where if I don't do them then my whole world might spiral into ruin.  One such habit is every so often, when my life is looking not-so-good, slightly adjusting the Jody Davis and Darth Vader figurines on my book shelf could alter my destiny.  These two have been in an epic duel for around 10 years, Darth with his light saber and Jody with his catchers mitt.  Hardly seems fair, right?  The saber could slice through bone like butter without even swinging very hard, while the mitt could stop a fastball but your hand will still probably sting a little.  What's more, Darth is an intergalactic tyrant with the galaxy at his fingertips, and meanwhile Jody Davis is a lifetime .245 catcher for a team that loses most of their games, the Chicago Cubs.  

I couldn't rotate this picture, but to hell with it.  I like it better like this because with Darth on top, Jody is getting dominated even more.  He is the power bottom (of the division).

If you'll notice in the first picture, Darth has his light saber ready to slice off Mr. Davis' head.  This is when life has me by the balls and it looks like there is no hope.  

"The Cubs join the Empire?  Never!!!!"

But not so fast!  Jody has slipped his glove to the inside, blocking Darth!  This ever so slight of an adjustment can be made on any given day and everything can turn around for me.  And I actually believe this can help matters.

Anyone else do stuff like this or am I just completely nuts?

The Coruscant Heat

It seems like everyone in America is tuning into the NBA finals hoping for the Heat lose, but I wonder what a galaxy far, far away might make of this match up?  This got me thinking which star wars baddies would best represent a team that is such a "wretched hive of scum and villainy."

Darth Vader.  "That's game, bitches!"

LeBron James

             Equals . . . 








Explanation: I like this choice because no one hated LeBron when he was with Cleveland (The Rebellion) but then nobody could stand him when he sold out and signed with the Heat (The Empire).

                                         

Dywayne Wade

 Equals . . . 

Grand Moff Tarkin

                              
  









Explanation: Wade just seems like the kind of guy who would blow up your whole planet just to test out his new Death Star, just to show you what's up.  

Pat Riley.  "Kiss the rings, bitches!"

The Emperor

 Equals . . .










Explanation: Pat and the Emperor are both evil old duded running things from behind the scenes.  I bet you didn't know that under that robe, the Emperor's hair is slicked back.

"Sniff these ringless fingers!"

Selacious Crumb

Equals . . .








Explanation: Erik Spoelstra is that little weasel that no one listens to.  When you see him trying to draw up a play for his guys while they just talk amongst themselves, you just can't help but think he might as well be Selacious Crumb outlining a pick and roll.

Chris "The Ostrich" Bosh

Jar Jar Binks

      
                  Equals . . .

Explanation: There is nothing deeper here than 'dude just looks like Jar Jar Binks.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
And there you have it, people.  What do you think?  Anyone I missed or anything you would change?  Leave me a comment.                                                                                                                    

Crom and Cliff are coming over in a little while for a Podcast where we'll be watching the Star Wars Christmas special from 1978. George Lucas wasn't too happy with how it came out, saying, "If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it."

Well, you didn't find my copy, George, and I'm going to make fun of it tonight while sipping some cheap, shitty wine with my buddies.

Expect this thing to be posted in a week or so, Seven Readers.

Gnomes and Legos

At last, here is the story about the wedding I went to a couple of weeks ago.

At our table were:
Dr. Kenneth Noisewater: Yours Truly
Law School Dropout (LSD): Dr. K's main squeeze
Gung Ho: Friend of Dr. K.
Gelfling: Gung Ho's ladyfriend
Monique: Another friend of Dr. K.

The wedding went fine, but it was the events afterwards where things got nutty. We went back to Gung Ho's hotel room and stumbled right into a Lego convention. There were rooms upon rooms of Lord of the Rings and Star Wars battle scenes with literally hundreds of soldiers on each side. There was even a life sized Harry Potter, as pictured below along with The Good Doctor. I thought he'd be taller in person - maybe with his witch hat, or whatever.

I got one of the best calls of my life when Gung Ho rang me to tell me that he found a whole room full of Star Wars stuff. At the time, LSD and I were getting a private tour by a nice hunchbacked fellow. I made sure he knew his stuff by asking him the name of Boba Fett's ship, and he responded by saying that it was, of course, Slave One, but he also knew the class and distributor, something he would have had to have read in super-nerdy books. His credentials checked out. When telling us about things in the industry, I learned that guys who make their own big Lego projects call themselves "builders," which sounds way better than grown men who play with Legos.

The night only got weirder when a nice guy working for the hotel shuttled us to a dive bar down the street. As you can see in the pictures, the place looked like the basement in "That 70's Show," there was that picture of a naked woman, and there was a big gnome that we had a little too much fun playing with. The pic above is my favorite because Gelfling is acting loving towards him, but Gung Ho is giving him a stern talking-to. Differing gnome parenting styles perhaps . . .

I got another wedding coming up this weekend in Cali with LSD, as well as checking out San Francisco for the first time, and going to Sonoma to sip wine. Anyone else been to a good wedding lately or have gnome or Lego stories?

Tall, Dark, and Useful?

I’m dating this girl who makes me feel useful. She is a beautiful, intelligent woman who was born in Hong Kong and moved here in 1997. For starters, she missed the 1980’s! I have so much to teach her about tight-rolled jeans, jelly shoes, The Superbowl Shuffle, Bananarama, and Kajagoogoo. The following are some slightly more important things I’ve helped her with, taught her, or plan on teaching her:

1. Because she doesn’t have a car, nor does she know how to drive, I convinced her to buy a bike. I know a lot about them, so I was able to accompany her to the bike shop, which helped her, but annoyed the salesperson, who I foiled in her attempt to push everything in the store on her. “How about a light? A bell? A bolt to keep your seat on? A $60 lock? How about surface to air missles?”

2. I plan on teaching her to drive. I think I’d be good at this job, since I’m so patient. For the time being, I feel useful in that I can drive her places, since I have a car and know how to drive it.

3. Today I helped her pick out a handbag. She was all set to buy a $700 one, when I suggested we go to Bucktown and look in a shop that just sells bags, a shop I got the name of from a friend, since I knew they would be of good quality, potentially less expensive, and more unique. She liked a couple, but I could tell she wasn’t nuts about either of them, so I suggested we go down the street to a store called Stitch, which specializes in leather products. Sure enough, she fell in love with a bag, and I like it too. It’s somehow sexy, because it almost looks like a leather skirt. It’s interesting, but not gaudy. Maybe she can return the favor by decreasing my talk of handbags, and increasing my talk about sports, thus making me far less flaming. Until the Cubs give me something to talk about that doesn’t make my blood boil, I will continue to talk of fierce (with a lisp) handbags.

4. I plan on teaching her how to play volleyball. She will be worthy of being my double’s partner by the end of the summer. I’ll whip balls in her face, see previous post, if that’s what it takes.

5. Perhaps most importantly, I am making her watch all the original Star Wars films. We just finished Empire, and she had NO idea Darth Vader was Luke’s father. I must give her props, since after watching Darth use the dark side of the force to choke the 2nd or 3rd general, she wondered why anyone would want to be promoted, thus having to work more closely with the boss who gets frustrated and kills muthafuckas. A valid point, and an interesting notion I had not previously entertained. I know the picture is of him choking a GOOD guy by HAND, but I couldn't find any of him using the force to do it, and let's face it, pictures of him simply pointing his fingers aren't as menacing. Very nerdy of me to clarify that, but If you want to see some REAL Star Wars nerds, check these guys out: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=672422470842718521

I would be remiss if I did not add that she is a rad chick in ways other than I can teach her things. In fact, there are a lot of things she has taught me in the short time I’ve known her. Okay, I’m going to get some sleep so I can be “usefull” at work tomorrow.