Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Tall, Dark, and Useful?

I’m dating this girl who makes me feel useful. She is a beautiful, intelligent woman who was born in Hong Kong and moved here in 1997. For starters, she missed the 1980’s! I have so much to teach her about tight-rolled jeans, jelly shoes, The Superbowl Shuffle, Bananarama, and Kajagoogoo. The following are some slightly more important things I’ve helped her with, taught her, or plan on teaching her:

1. Because she doesn’t have a car, nor does she know how to drive, I convinced her to buy a bike. I know a lot about them, so I was able to accompany her to the bike shop, which helped her, but annoyed the salesperson, who I foiled in her attempt to push everything in the store on her. “How about a light? A bell? A bolt to keep your seat on? A $60 lock? How about surface to air missles?”

2. I plan on teaching her to drive. I think I’d be good at this job, since I’m so patient. For the time being, I feel useful in that I can drive her places, since I have a car and know how to drive it.

3. Today I helped her pick out a handbag. She was all set to buy a $700 one, when I suggested we go to Bucktown and look in a shop that just sells bags, a shop I got the name of from a friend, since I knew they would be of good quality, potentially less expensive, and more unique. She liked a couple, but I could tell she wasn’t nuts about either of them, so I suggested we go down the street to a store called Stitch, which specializes in leather products. Sure enough, she fell in love with a bag, and I like it too. It’s somehow sexy, because it almost looks like a leather skirt. It’s interesting, but not gaudy. Maybe she can return the favor by decreasing my talk of handbags, and increasing my talk about sports, thus making me far less flaming. Until the Cubs give me something to talk about that doesn’t make my blood boil, I will continue to talk of fierce (with a lisp) handbags.

4. I plan on teaching her how to play volleyball. She will be worthy of being my double’s partner by the end of the summer. I’ll whip balls in her face, see previous post, if that’s what it takes.

5. Perhaps most importantly, I am making her watch all the original Star Wars films. We just finished Empire, and she had NO idea Darth Vader was Luke’s father. I must give her props, since after watching Darth use the dark side of the force to choke the 2nd or 3rd general, she wondered why anyone would want to be promoted, thus having to work more closely with the boss who gets frustrated and kills muthafuckas. A valid point, and an interesting notion I had not previously entertained. I know the picture is of him choking a GOOD guy by HAND, but I couldn't find any of him using the force to do it, and let's face it, pictures of him simply pointing his fingers aren't as menacing. Very nerdy of me to clarify that, but If you want to see some REAL Star Wars nerds, check these guys out: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=672422470842718521

I would be remiss if I did not add that she is a rad chick in ways other than I can teach her things. In fact, there are a lot of things she has taught me in the short time I’ve known her. Okay, I’m going to get some sleep so I can be “usefull” at work tomorrow.

10 comments:

Cibbuano said...

I'm dating a girl from China, too, and I made her watch all 6 Star Wars movies... she liked them ok, but it was R2 D2 she fell in love with...

mysterygirl! said...

Excellent! It's fun to get to teach people new things-- I have a friend who just moved to town, and while she's only moved from Boston and not Hong Kong, it's still cool to be able to show her around town.

Jenny said...

It is quite endearing that you were completely stoked about the whole purse buying process. Do not question your manliness as long as you didn't buy a manbag! I would add these other not so important, but awesome nonetheless 80s teachings to your list: Herbie Hancock's "Rockit", acid wash jeans, Aha, Space Balls, Goonies, swatches (especially the ones you can hang on the wall), and of course Big Country (just a little Liar's Club reference)!

sharat said...

Good luck whipping balls at her face.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Cibb, she better not leave you for a droid.

Mystery, I do feel good about knowing my city. I like being the guy that knows stuff, so I never want to move for that reason.

Jenny, what about Pop Swatches? "I've never seen you look this good w/out a reason . . . " Hey, last time I was in The Liar's Club they were playing Puppet Porn. It got REALLY weird when it became mixed w/ puppets and real people. Only at the LC.

Sharat, wish me luck teaching her volleyball too. Hayyy-ooooooh! I just watched your movie again on PBS on my parents' awesome TV. Sharat's movie, American Made, was just on PBS on an independent film show hosted by Carmela Sopranono. I loved it even more this time around. I finished your next script treatment too. All I got is a half-assed blog page . . .

Steph said...

Awww boys are so cute when they're "in Lurve".

Jenny said...

Pop Swatches are only worn when I am popping and locking & watching Crushed Groove. They must play that Puppet Porn often at the LC. Last time Mo & I were there they were playing it and the bartender warned me about it getting, erm . . . interesting later on with human on felt contact.

Tara's World said...

awww thats so sweet.

Tara's World said...

Hey Ken - e-mail me your e-mail addy at tara1665@yahoo or tara1665@gmail.. I have something to show you.

Dirk the Feeble said...

It amazes me how many people have not seen the original Star Wars films. Are they from a third-world country or what? Amish people have seen those movies!