Signs, Signs, Everywhere Perverted Signs

Mrs. Noisewater and I were driving home after having dinner with my parents in my home town when I saw a sign by a local church that read this:

Of course I got out of the car to get a picture of this for Facebook and the blog!

Now, I know this church has tried to be funny in the past.  For instance, I remember when "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" came out they had a sign that "Satan Is the Real Phatom Menace."  How ominous!  But this one about Easter and cumming seems like a bit much.  Is it possible they meant how often we "come" to church?  Even then, wouldn't someone, think about the other, more dirty, use of the word?  I mean, I know some church folks can be a little naive, but come on, people!

This reminds me of the time my mom left work for the night, leaving an intern on his last day of work in charge of changing the sign out front.  Then she had to field one hundred calls the next morning about why the library wanted everyone to "Honk If You're Horny."

Do I speak for all of us when I say "Beep! Beep!?"

Stop Complaining About Getting Laid Like Crazy, Rivers.

When I was running tonight, Rivers Cuomo from Weezer was singing to me about how tired he is of having sex. Now, I know the point of the song is that he was having meaningless sex with random women and wanted to be in love, but all I could hear is a guy whining about too much sex - and here I am without sex for a month.

My girfriend is in California, and when she was living in Chicago with me, we were hitting it all the time. Now I'm missing her so badly, and I don't think I've missed more than 2 or 3 days of wanking since she left. Seriously, I'm so tired of internet women. I hate these two dimensional, giant breasted women saying filthy things to me while they pretend to like baby batter sprayed in their stupid faces. It's weird, but I really do hate these random internet chicks. I just envision them being loaded up on cocaine and VD, doing it in front of a room full of dudes holding microphones and stuff. What's wrong with those phillies?

I just miss my girlfriend, and not just the sex. I miss her. Yeah, we video chat, but it's just so hard because she's right there . . . but she's not. No, we're not doing any cyber sex. If it happens, it happens, but right now it's just good to see her face every few nights, especially the funny expressions she makes with that face when she tells a goofy story or reacts to something gross and/or off putting that I say.

So, anyway, Rivers, don't talk about how sick of boning you are because I'm hornier than a jack rabbit over here. I'll see her when I fly out to Cali on Friday, and I can't wait! No wanking until Friday. Yeah, I had 3 today, but none for the next five days . . .
----------------
PS: If you're my mom or my sister and you're reading this post, I'm sorry.

The Frisky Cabbie

Something about me leads people to believe that they can tell me very random and revealing things about themselves, and I wish I knew what it is I was doing to illicit this because I would cease it instantly.

The other day my cab driver (I couldn't place his accent, but he was Caucasian in appearance)and I were exchanging a pleasant conversation, and then it took a turn for the . . . odd.

Dr. Ken: Are you married, Cabbie?

Cabbie: Yeah, 20 years now. Good woman. Good pussy, too.

D.K.: Oh. Congrats.

Cabbie: Yes, I'm 49 and she's 50. I think women get hornier as they get older.

D.K.: That's entirely possible. I haven't dabbled in women quite that long in the tooth. Yet.

Cabbie: Yeah, she's always wanting to have sex. I have to take Viagra to keep up. Have you tried Viagra?

D.K.: Not quite yet. How's it working for you?

Cabbie: It's great! I take one right near the end of my shift, and then I take another right when I get home. Then I'm ready to go, and the next morning, we can do it again!

D.K.: That's fabulous, Cabbie. You ever get one of those woodies that lasts for over four hours?

Cabbie: No.

D.K.: That's good. I don't imagine that's very . . . comfortable. This is my stop.

Cabbie: Okay, buddy. Try that Viagra!

D.K.: I just might. Give my best to The Mrs. You going to pop some pills and rock her world tonight?

Cabbie: You know it!

----------------------------------------

Have you ever had a situation like that? How do people get a sense that I'm not easily offended, and in fact, welcome perverted conversations? How about you, Seven Readers? Do you ever run into people telling you goofy stuff like this?