Sunday, September 25, 2011

Stop Complaining About Getting Laid Like Crazy, Rivers.

When I was running tonight, Rivers Cuomo from Weezer was singing to me about how tired he is of having sex. Now, I know the point of the song is that he was having meaningless sex with random women and wanted to be in love, but all I could hear is a guy whining about too much sex - and here I am without sex for a month.

My girfriend is in California, and when she was living in Chicago with me, we were hitting it all the time. Now I'm missing her so badly, and I don't think I've missed more than 2 or 3 days of wanking since she left. Seriously, I'm so tired of internet women. I hate these two dimensional, giant breasted women saying filthy things to me while they pretend to like baby batter sprayed in their stupid faces. It's weird, but I really do hate these random internet chicks. I just envision them being loaded up on cocaine and VD, doing it in front of a room full of dudes holding microphones and stuff. What's wrong with those phillies?

I just miss my girlfriend, and not just the sex. I miss her. Yeah, we video chat, but it's just so hard because she's right there . . . but she's not. No, we're not doing any cyber sex. If it happens, it happens, but right now it's just good to see her face every few nights, especially the funny expressions she makes with that face when she tells a goofy story or reacts to something gross and/or off putting that I say.

So, anyway, Rivers, don't talk about how sick of boning you are because I'm hornier than a jack rabbit over here. I'll see her when I fly out to Cali on Friday, and I can't wait! No wanking until Friday. Yeah, I had 3 today, but none for the next five days . . .
PS: If you're my mom or my sister and you're reading this post, I'm sorry.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Haha! How about use a wanking euphemism like "wrestling with the bald-headed champ"? That might spare your mum a few blushes.

sybil law said...

A month?!! Jesus, dude! I'd be more worried if you WEREN'T jerking off all the time! How people go for years without sex, I'll never know.
I think you should jerk off up 'til Wednesday.

sista said...

Ummm, the p.s. should have been at the top of this post.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorilla: Bald Headed Champ? He is kind of like a champion boxer, training all year, fighting once a month.

Sybil: Got through Monday and most of Tuesday so far!

Sista: Sorry, should have done the disclaimer up top. Let's just pretend you never read that.

b.burjan said...

it's called phone sex, or i'm sure video sex would work as well, if not better....not as good as the real thing, but better than the spank bank or porn.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Burjan: Yeah, we vid chant and haven't quite got to the point of dirty stuff, but I'm sure it's bound to happen.