Since I Haven't Blogged In Like 5 Weeks, Here Are 5 Updates.

1. I scrolled through some old posts to check, but I don't think that I've told all of you that we are due for our second kiddo in September. It's actually the same due date as Erik Noisewater, so there is a possibility they could have the same birthday. I suppose that would be the most important update for me, creating more human life and all, but let's move onto the random stupid items because if any of you have been reading a while, you know that is what I'm better at reporting on.



2. I've been doing the intermittent fasting about 4 to 6 days a week. I'll stop eating around 630pm and not eat again until 10:30AM the next day. I have to say I feel a lot better when I stick to it, and when I do I'm regular as a the sun, since you asked. It is also a good fit for me because I can get in bad patterns, such as knocking out entire rows of Girl Scout cookies. Mrs. Noisewater was all excited about a cookie after work only to find that after a few too many IPA's one Saturday evening I had ingested my standard entire row amount to polish off a box. Now it is a battle of wills. I bought another couple boxes to make it up to her and to prove to myself that I can control my inner fat kid impulses. So now when I need that little jolt of chocolate I'll open up the fridge and squirt a small amount of Hershey's syrup directly into my mouth like an uncivilized pile of crap human. Essentially it is like going to the methadone clinic for the heroin addict. Nowhere near as good as eating a row of cookies/mainlining smack, but it gets you through.



3. My good friend HLP (Heterosexual Life Partner) and I have been hitting a concert every month or every other month as our music tastes have aligned to a lot of the same doom/stoner/desert/fuzz bands. One thing we do is switching off who buys the tickets, and the other system is kind of a genius strategy that I am now sharing with you, my friends. What we do is look up the setlists of the one or two, sometimes three bands that we like on the bill on setlist.fm. You'll find that most bands these days don't stray from the exact same songs night after night, so we will take all those songs and make them into one giant (especially if it's three bands) mixed up Spotify playlist that we can share with one another. And we alternate who does that task too. And viola! Now we can listen to that playlist over the course of a few weeks and will be totally familiar with all of the songs the bands will play without wasting any time at all with songs that won't be in the set list. Feel free to steal this system for yourself because, while I do admit it's pretty darn ingenious, I see no possible way to monetize it.



4. And speaking of the rock and roll music, the wife and kid joined me for one of my favorite days of the year, Record Store Day, and we had one heck of a good time (at least I did). What I did is look up which stores were giving out free donuts and coffee and such and made a nice route to hit around four stores. Erik Noisewater had his heart set on a pink donut with sprinkles, and by god I found one for him and four records for under twenty bucks for the old man. While at one tiny store I noticed that there was a good deal of sections for hip hop, trance, drums and bass . . . . But where in the hell was the damn rock music? Then I saw around thirty or fifty vinyls filed under "Dad Rock." That is where they file their very limited actual rock music with guitars. And sure enough the dad with the kid running around the store asking for donuts picked himself up some very, very dad-like rock, a Jerry Rafferty album.



5. Do you all feel like you get smarter or dumber as the years roll on? Recently I started getting the notion that my wits were going in the wrong direction. There was a time where I walked into a room and fancied myself one of the sharpest blokes in the room, and sadly I just don't feel that way quite as much anymore. This is something I feel like I have to turn around, so I started some new habits like reading the newspaper cover-to-cover, doing crossword puzzles, and limiting my social media time. And hopefully writing more. I gotta write more, guys. I'm sorry I have slowed up so much with my output, but that is just another step I have to take to avoid gradually growing duller like the rest of America.

Okay, friends. You got any input on any of these five items listed above? If not, then just tell me something else that will make me laugh because laughing is good for the soul and the gall bladder. Mostly the soul.  

I'm Tired of Wicked-Fat People

I'm sorry if I'm alienating readers, but when I'm averaging like 1.2 comments a post, what do I really have to lose at this point?

When I watch the "Biggest Loser" and see these enormously fat people, I think what all of you think, "How in the hell did you let yourself get so mammoth?"  Now, I'm not talking about people 20 or 30 pounds overweight because that happens.  I'm talking about the big ass 300 + pounders.

There are a ton of excuses that wicked-fat people have been using for decades now, and none of them are valid, as you can see:

"It's genetic."  Could be.  Or maybe your parents eat like shit so you didn't know any better.  Now you're an adult so stop eating like crap.

"I'm big boned."  Yes, sometimes people have bigger frames, so there are those people who will never be a size 2 or have that 30 inch waist through healthy and safe means, but when you're 350, the bones have nothing to do with it.

"I eat because I'm depressed."  Maybe so, but try eating right and exercising for just one week and tell me if you're feeling nearly as bad as when you were killing that entire bag of hot chips when you promised yourself you'd only have a few.

"I just don't have time to work out."  I don't care what your job is or what your family obligations may be, you cannot tell me you can't find an hour somewhere in your day 5 days a week for the sake of your own health and lifespan.  Get up an hour early and work out in the morning or go for a run on your lunch hour, but do something.  Sometimes fat people feel embarrassed when they work out, but you know what I say when I see a fat person jogging by the lake?  "Way to go, buddy!  Keep that shit up!" 

"My significant other likes me the way I am."  I guarantee that when she said she likes a man with a little meat on his bones, she did not have three hundy' in mind.

People, we only get one life, and we only get one body.  Do you really want to spend your one life looking like the Michelin Man?  You don't need to go on the "Biggest Loser" and lose 150 pounds in 6 months because that's just not healthy.  You don't need to have unnecessary surgery in the form of stapling your stomach so small that it can only handle so much - it's called just not putting so much damn food into it (try some self-control!)  



Start small.

How about just switching to diet soda?  You don't like the taste?  No?  How do you like your dickie-do?

How about cutting out fast food.  Do you really need that processed crud?  You want grade D meat simply because you don't want to leave the comfort of your own car to feed yourself?

How about cutting out fried foods?  My doctor told me one of my cholesterol levels was slightly high, and that was all I had to hear.  Any time I can get something besides fries, I do it.  Yeah a side salad is not nearly as awesome as some seasoned fries from Bennigans, but my arteries don't get clogged from vinaigrette, and I don't feet like I need an immediate carb nap the way I do after a big-ass plate of fries. 

It's a simple formula: Just don't take in twice as many calories as you burn.  You can manage that.  Yes, you can start small, but it's important that you start today.  Throw out all your bad foods, go for a run, make some promises to yourself, and keep those promises.  Or live your life as the Michelin Man, but I doubt that's what you really want.