Updates, Some Written On the Wall

I saw this picture inside a Port-O-Potty the other day. Hey, what do you call Port-O-Johns in your neck of the woods? I know a guy from St. Louis who informed me that everyone out there calls them Johnny On the Spots.

Back in the day you had to call for a good time. Now you just text. I don't think "Jenny (867-5309)" would have been a hit had Tommy Tutone been advising people to text Jenny for a good time. Come to think of it, why in the heck was that a hit to begin with?



Mrs. Noisewater is still pregnant with our first kiddo, and we're around 6 months along. I think this kid is hyperactive like me because he/she is kicking the bejesus out of her - right in the colon! I feel bad if I passed my AD/HD onto this poor little person. Or maybe he's just anxious to come out, and he's trying to kick his way out? Early would be fine, actually, because the poor girl is going to be pregnant as hell through the heart of a hot, muggy, Chicago summer. Come on out early, Star Scream! (That's a running joke between Mr. Shife and I)

I've been running around 10 miles every weekend. I did a little over 11 today, and I feel great. It's good to get back into running because it really does clear my head. There was a race going on, and I was trying to high five people when they were running in the opposite direction of me. Hardly anyone wanted any part of it. Strange. They all looked too worried about their times to get a high five. But I love a high five on race day. Different strokes, I suppose. Different strokes for boring folks.

I was at work the other day and asked a little kid what the crummiest thing to happen to him was all school year. He thought for a minute and decided it would be the day he got hit in the penis six times with a soccer ball. This is awesome for a number of reasons.

1. I love that he knew the exact number of instances.
2. Most kids would say they were hit in the balls, but he opted for penis.
3. I like that he didn't swear. He went with the biological term.
4. He had a slight lisp, so he said "penith."

See you later, Seven Readers. And may soccer balls be nowhere near your private parts.

Baby Wipes

In parts of Europe, Latin America , East Asia, and the Middle East, people use the bidet to freshen up their anus and genital areas after using the toilet. For those of you who don't know, this is the little sink thing that you squat over, and it sprays water down there - and some have a built in dryer! Here in the United States of America, which is supposed to be among the most advanced and powerful nations in the world, we primarily just use the toilet paper, leaving our butts less than fresh all day long until we can get in the shower for a proper cleaning. It's hard to take us seriously at the United Nations when we have the dirtiest asses in the room.

Because Dr. Ken* lives in the states, and he likes his rear end to be nice and fresh all day long to avoid discomfort and a feeling of general grossness, he uses baby wipes every time he poops at home. What's weird is that they say not to flush them, but there's no way I'm dropping those in the trash cans.** Gross! I guess I could buy one of those diaper genies you get for babies, but that's just weird. I suppose I could just keep it, and when I have kids, Ken Jr. and I could just share wipes and diaper genies . . .

On the package of my current wipes (I buy whatever is on sale because I'm frugal like that), it says "great for babies!" Now, I think that us Adult Baby Wipers need to come forward and admit to using them. So, I think, and let me know if I'm alone here, that it should read, "Great for babies, but they also come in handy for adult swamp ass***!"

Okay, seven readers, do you use the baby wipes, the bidet, just straight up toilet tissue, or do you have some cool trick of your own you would like to share to help all my readers maintain a cleaner tuchus?

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*No, this is not Dr. Ken in the picture. It's just some funny guy I found when looking for the bidet on google images. Whoever he is, he should feel proud that his mug pops up as the third picture when someone searches for the bidet on there.
**I realize that I switched from third person to first here, but I'm just not a third person guy. I started to feel like Dennis Rodman.
***or swass if you prefer. See definition two if you follow the link.
****And the winner of last post's caption contest is Beck Eye. She is one of the best bloggers I know, which why she is first on my blogroll. Actually, it's alphabetical, but she is really good. She posts a very in depth analysis of American Idol just after it airs, and she has caption contests of her own, only on a bigger scale because she has more readership than the doctor - think Dr. Ken around three years ago. Anyway, check her out if you haven't already because she's super-duper!