Old Crushes, Facebook, and How Roger Aged into His Face

I remember when I was in the 8th grade and in Washington D.C. for a class trip, I was obsessed with a girl from my class.  She had long, flowing hair and blah, blah, blah, but what I really remember best about her was her perfect ripe ass that I would follow around during walking tours like a dumb greyhound chasing the fake rabbit.  You can ask just about any guy, even when he is 79-years-old, and he can tell you the first girl to develop big breasts.  I remember her too, for sure, but the girl with the first grown-ass woman ass is what stands out for me.

She ended up going to a different high school than me, so I never really saw her since the 8th grade.  Well, I just saw her on Facebook, and let's just say I should have left her as a memory on that class trip.  She has had a couple of kids, and I know a lot of women who have families and still look good.  It's not her body that is the problem, it's as if her facial features are too big for her face and vying for position, like a young Roger Waters of Pink Floyd, who is now a good looking older guy, somehow.  Looking at this woman, I actually said out loud, "This is the chick I wanted to bone at all costs?"

Yikes.  That's rough!

He really aged into that face nicely.

Let's see that phrase again in bigger font and centered because it really is funny to see and say out loud, maybe even a good title for an album or skin flick:

Bone at all Costs

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Anyone else have a disappointing encounterr with an old crush that they would like to share in the comments?

Big Suze

I have been watching a hilarious show from England called Peep Show, you can watch it on Hulu, and lately I'm finding myself madly in love with Big Suze. I'm not sure if they ever say why she's called that because she's quite fit. Isn't she lovely in this shot?

Here she is in a pretty yellow dress. I like how she's brushing her hair back. You know, it kind of looks like maybe she's not so sure of herself. Maybe she's that rare find of a woman who's hotter than all get out, but still has a crap self concept . . .

And here she is doing some stage acting. With terrific boobs. I love terrific boobs. You know, I really think, at the risk of getting a restraining order against me, that we were meant to be together. Sure, she's all the way across the Atlantic, far too good looking for me, and would likely have zero interest in me, but still . . .

Son of a bitch! Who is this asshole! Oh come on! He's got that half his undershirt hanging out look that makes me want to puke. Wait, where's her other hand. Is she touching his narrow ass?! Oh . . . Oh, do I ever hate this limey.

She's married to this doucher? Bloody hell!! Turns out he's a prince. That must be Prince Doucher's castle. Castle Douche Skull. What's this guy have that I don't? Sure, he's a prince and everything and has loads more money than me and probably charmed her in person, going a few steps further than merely ogling her on Hulu and cursing her funny looking husband, but other than all that . . . Come on!

What do you think, Seven Readers? What does Dr. Ken need to do to make Big Suze his new special ladyfriend?

I Have a Crush . . .

. . . on Christina Hendricks, the buxom redhead from TV's Mad Men. It's no secret that I like tall, confident, successful, ample bosomed beautiful women, and you need look no further than Gancey Girlfriend for evidence of this.

However, I haven't had a crush like this since we started dating, and I'm so, so thankful that my latest crush is on a woman on television and not someone in real life. However, sometimes it feels like a crush in grade school. I'll explain . . .

When she has a scene in the show, I get a little nervous, tweak my hair, sit up straight, and I get a little excited and nervous. What the hell is that all about? She's on the television, Dr. Ken! It's just a good thing she doesn't work in my office, that's all I"m saying, or I'd be a bumbling idiot. I'm just not nearly as smooth as Don Draper. She'd ask me if I wanted some coffee, and I'd mutter something about her big boobs and her milky white skin. Not smooth.

I Heard "I'll Be There For You" By Bon Jovi This Morning . . .

. . . and I immediately thought about slow dancing with a 12-year-old girl dressed like a hooker. Hold on! Before you check my ip address and arrest me, please let me explain.

When I was in the fifth grade, a girl, we'll call her Trixie, moved to our district midway through the school year, and I remember the day she came because her mom walked her in, she looked nervous, and Trixie was dressed like a hooker.* Not your standard hooker, mind you, but like a gypsy hooker - as if Stevie Nix was turning tricks instead of rocking arenas to pay for her coke habit. I'm not saying these clothes were just too slutty for her age because girls today do that a lot with stores like Forever 21. This was far, far worse because they were really cheap looking garbs - the exact types of things hookers wear.

I remember sitting at lunch one day, and the 6th graders at the next table were asking her what her going rate was, the name of her pimp, things like that, and she went to the principal and named names - luckily I wasn't on that list. I wouldn't be surprised if I found myself joining in on teasing like that because I was a bit of a follower in those days, but truth be told, I had a bit of a secret crush on her.

I had a friend at the time who was that boy who all the girls liked. I remember being over at his house playing Nintendo, and the phone would be ringing off the hook with girls, and he would say to me, "Here, talk to this chick. They call all the time. It's so annoying!" Anyway, when this friend admitted that he had a secret crush on Trixie, we all razzed him so bad about it that he never mentioned it again let alone ask her out. I, of course, kept my crush private, but to my credit, I think I was the only one to come to his defense about liking her.

She was pretty, and she had a beauty mark just like Madonna when Madonna was still very young and hot - this was long before Cindy Crawford. Despite being very pretty, between the way too "advanced" clothing and maturing faster physically than the rest of us, she just seemed much older. This is why when I was slow dancing with her to Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There For You," she just felt 3 grades older than me. I remember having good feelings about it, but I had no thoughts of maybe she could be my girlfriend, or maybe she likes me (she liked the kid I mentioned in the last paragraph) - it just felt good.

What do you think about all of this, Seven Readers? Have you ever had a secret crush when you were young? ______________________________________________________________

*I wish I could remember what mom looked like because that might explain her wardrobe choices, but I just can't recall . . .