Remembering Tiamat

I was tired at work the other day and said to myself "Man, I am draggin' like Tiamat." Tiamat is the only dragon I could think of at the time, although Smaug is one more people would know given the popularity of "Lord of the Rings."  Still, I like to let my inner nerd shine by referencing the Dungeons & Dragons mythical beast and one of the stars of the 1980's Saturday morning cartoon series.

Also, Tiamat represents a dark day in my past when I was around 8-years-old and snuck down to the Christmas tree before my parents woke up to find that I had the toy Tiamat, the five-headed dragon!  I yelled "Tiamat!" and my sister, my partner in crime that morning, told me to keep my voice down.  All that hard work my parents went through assembling those toys and laying them out, and they didn't get to see my genuine reaction.  When we got back out of bed to open gifts as a family, I had to fake the surprise of seeing Ms. Tiamat under the tree and scream her name a second time and fain the same level of enthusiasm.  All five heads appeared to be shaking their heads in their disapproval of my treachery and disappointment in my lackluster acting performance to conceal it.

I damn near just ordered this shirt. 

I played fricking Dungeons & Dragons as a kid.  I'll admit it.  It's cool to like knights and dragons again, I suppose, with the popularity of Game of Thrones now, but all you have to do there is flip on the television and talk about it at work on Monday.  D & D was a big commitment.  But I didn't mind rolling dice, reading all the rules, getting out the graph paper, and creating a character with all his/her attributes.  I'll admit it.  And I still remember all five heads that Tiamat had, the color of dragons, their breath weapons, and the order of how strong they were from strongest to weakest.  Observe:

1. Red: Fire.
2. Blue: Lightning.
3. Green: Poison Gas.
4. Black: Acid.
5. White: Ice Blast.

Shit.  I think I mixed up a few.  My nerd powers are waning over the years.

I always wonder what the stomachs were like for those green and black dragons to be able to belch up acid and poison gas.  What must their farts smell like?  Actually, in the case of Tiamat, all five heads shared the same body, as well as the same dragon butthole.  Do you think she could turn around and blast out all five breath weapons at once out of her butt?  How many hit points of damage would that do?

(Notice he tucks in his legs to avoid injury?  This isn't his first rocket blast fart joy ride.)

And this free association random-ass blog post has led us to . . . dragon farts.  Why not?

Nerd Rape?

There is a scene in "Revenge of the Nerds" in which Lewis disguises himself with the bad guy jock's Darth Vadar-like costume to trick his girlfriend into thinking he's the jock as she goes into the carnival room, where she brings him into the moon sections and says, "You want to do it on the moon?" Now, it seems to me that Lewis did this for the sole purpose of tricking the pretty girl of his dreams into having sex with him because she'd never knowingly have sex with a nerd, which might be morally wrong, but . . .

The beauty of this scene is that, after refusing to take his mask off, which should have aroused some suspicion, as well as the fact that he's built like a nerd and not a jock, which also should have tipped her off, he gets her off with some oral so good, that when she sees it's not her boyfriend but in fact the nerd - the very nerd who installed cameras in her house to spy on her naked as well as see her naked live in the process as pictured - she doesn't care and wants to be his girlfriend.

Let me just say right now that Lewis is a hero. He didn't compromise his nerdy persona to get his dream girl, and he must flip that nerd tongue like a dyke to have pulled off such a change in world view in that young lady. After all, it was Lewis who said he was good at sex acts because all jocks do is think about sports while all nerds do is think about sex. I think he has a point here because I didn't get laid until I was around 21-years-old, so now every time I'm doing it, there's still a drastically undersexed teenager inside me going, "Yes! We're doing it!" So, I think I bring more enthusiasm to the table, or bed as it were, than the guy who's gotten laid every day since he was 15.

However, is this rape? What's worse, is it nerd rape? And is that worse than regular rape? You be the judge, seven readers. Let's talk . . .