Thursday, July 17, 2014

Remembering Tiamat

I was tired at work the other day and said to myself "Man, I am draggin' like Tiamat." Tiamat is the only dragon I could think of at the time, although Smaug is one more people would know given the popularity of "Lord of the Rings."  Still, I like to let my inner nerd shine by referencing the Dungeons & Dragons mythical beast and one of the stars of the 1980's Saturday morning cartoon series.

Also, Tiamat represents a dark day in my past when I was around 8-years-old and snuck down to the Christmas tree before my parents woke up to find that I had the toy Tiamat, the five-headed dragon!  I yelled "Tiamat!" and my sister, my partner in crime that morning, told me to keep my voice down.  All that hard work my parents went through assembling those toys and laying them out, and they didn't get to see my genuine reaction.  When we got back out of bed to open gifts as a family, I had to fake the surprise of seeing Ms. Tiamat under the tree and scream her name a second time and fain the same level of enthusiasm.  All five heads appeared to be shaking their heads in their disapproval of my treachery and disappointment in my lackluster acting performance to conceal it.

I damn near just ordered this shirt. 
I played fricking Dungeons & Dragons as a kid.  I'll admit it.  It's cool to like knights and dragons again, I suppose, with the popularity of Game of Thrones now, but all you have to do there is flip on the television and talk about it at work on Monday.  D & D was a big commitment.  But I didn't mind rolling dice, reading all the rules, getting out the graph paper, and creating a character with all his/her attributes.  I'll admit it.  And I still remember all five heads that Tiamat had, the color of dragons, their breath weapons, and the order of how strong they were from strongest to weakest.  Observe:

1. Red: Fire.
2. Blue: Lightning.
3. Green: Poison Gas.
4. Black: Acid.
5. White: Ice Blast.

Shit.  I think I mixed up a few.  My nerd powers are waning over the years.

I always wonder what the stomachs were like for those green and black dragons to be able to belch up acid and poison gas.  What must their farts smell like?  Actually, in the case of Tiamat, all five heads shared the same body, as well as the same dragon butthole.  Do you think she could turn around and blast out all five breath weapons at once out of her butt?  How many hit points of damage would that do?

(Notice he tucks in his legs to avoid injury?  This isn't his first rocket blast fart joy ride.)
And this free association random-ass blog post has led us to . . . dragon farts.  Why not?


Gorilla Bananas said...

I'll tell you who the funniest dragon is. His name is Chrysophylax Dives and he appears in a short story called Farmer Giles of Ham, also by Tolkien.

I would be very disappointed if a dragon didn't fart fire. I'd feel obliged to ignite its flatus with a match. You can find a video of college boys doing that to themselves on You Tube.

JerseySjov said...

i guarantee there's a clutch of bro dragons somewhere lighting each other's dragon farts with their dragon breath.
"dude, seriously, just blow some fire near my ass, no dragon-homo"

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorilla: I will have to check that out! I've always wanted to read some non-Lord of the Rings Tolkien stuff.

Jov: No dragon homo! Haha. Likely they would light each other's faces on fire on the first few attempts.

Mr. Shife said...

However, you totally redeemed yourself with the nice segue into dragon farts.
Never played D & D but I can appreciate the dragon farts. I think you should apply for a government grant to do some research. This is shit people need to know.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

You're right. If I didn't bring it back to farts or something goofy, this would have been the all time nerdiest post. I would have understood a prompt removal from your blogroll.

Fredulous said...

D&D is something I feel like I'm wasting my life by not playing.

Mr. Shife said...

What is up Dr. Ken?

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Fredulous: Get after it! I might have to get back into it.

Shife: Sorry for the long delay between posts. I'm back in action.