Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Top Secret Coaches For the Flying Fire-Breathing Shark Riding Knights

The fantasy football league that I'm in is 10% so that I can get excited about meaningless plays by random players in insignificant games and 90% to stay in touch with high school friends who all have kids and live in the suburbs.  I rarely hear from some of them, if at all, outside of the emails and message board from the league.  So that's why I do it.

Sometimes people get mad when I won't join their leagues, and I have to explain to them that I hate running the one team, so why on earth would I want to run another?  If this were a bunch of guys from the office and not my good buddies from high school, I would have bowed out a long time ago.

But today I had a stroke of genius: I will make my nephews run my team this season!  This makes perfect sense because . . .

A) During football season it's all I hear these two guys talk about, so they obviously enjoy it more than me.

B) It's a good way to text my nephews and stay in touch with them because sometimes two months or more will go by without me hearing from them.  If we win the whole thing, I'll split the money with them.  And win or lose I'll take them out to some cool arcade place out by where they live that they have been asking me to take them to.  

C) I'm 100% sure they will do a better job at it than me.

(It's finally the year for the Flying Fire-Breathing Shark Riding Knights!)
I told the two of them that they have to switch off weeks managing the team, so when Monday comes around the new manager steps in, and the previous manager can't say anything about any moves being made while he is out - he just has to wait to the following week to see what kind of team he has left after trades and add/drops have been made.  I decided this would be better than a simultaneous managing deal because that would undoubtably lead to the two of them calling each other idiots, getting each other in headlocks, and holding each other down and farting on one another.  And if I'm causing more headaches for my sister who is already working full time as a lawyer, raising three boys, and dealing with a shit-heal ex-husband, then the whole project will be a disaster in my eyes.

Another rule is they can't read the message boards with my friends in the league saying disgusting things.  Okay, so they will end up reading once I've told them not to because they will know some profane stuff will be on there, but they can't under any circumstances tell their mother about any of the jokes they've read.

Keeping it a secret is another trick all together.  There is only one person I can think of who might still check in on this blog on occasion who might come in contact with people in the league, so James Douglas Morrison (JDM), if you're reading this, please keep my Boy Genius plot top secret.

I contacted the two boys this afternoon via text, and the 16-year-old said yes right away.  The seventh grader sent a text back saying, "Sure.  Sounds fun."  Then another text moments later saying "Wait, who is this?"  It's all the more encouraging that he likes this fantasy crap so much that he agreed to do it without even knowing who it is!

This is going to be a fantastic season.  While I'm drinking a cold one on a Sunday game day, I'll be able to text the boys about our players that are kicking butt - and never sending negative stuff because as the prudent team owner, I know that would be bad for my coaches' morale.

Also, for no good tricking reason, here's a picture of Alien playing Predator in a friendly game of pool.
(Pretty sure Alien is drunk because he is drooling.  And the drool is probably acid.  Which will burn its way into the apartment below the bar.)


Jimmy Fungus said...

Ahh yeah, the "College of Coaches".. I believe the Cubs tried the rotating managers once, and one can tell it must have worked splendidly based on all the championships they have won... Uhhh, well, I am sure it will work better for you and your nephews.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Fungus: My dad has told me about the ill fated College of Coaches a bunch of times. I almost referenced that when I wrote this but thought nobody would get it. I have underestimated the baseball history knowledge of some of my readers . . .

Gorilla Bananas said...

Fantasy football league is also popular in countries where football is a game played with the feet. I never knew it could make you money. One day, I might find out what it is.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

I got a friend who plays in a fantasy league for the foot game, premier league. We like to make fun of him for that, as if imaginary coaching for an American game is inherently cooler.

Mr. Shife said...

Sounds like an excellent plan, Dr. Ken. Good luck with that and enjoy your vacation with Mrs. Noisewater. Also, love the name of your fantasy team.

Fredulous said...

I'm presently somewhat nervous about the prospects of becoming an uncle. The realisation that I can outsource responsibilities to my offspring is comforting.

Fredulous said...

I meant my brother's offspring. Freudian slip. Maybe I actually want children but don't know it yet.