Saturday, July 26, 2014

B-4 and After the Lesbian Proposition

I went to a Cubs game the other night with my buddy, Dangerous, and he and I went to a great little cozy bar called the Burwood Tap for a few night caps.  It was Bingo night, which sounds stupid and an activity meant for folks 40 years our senior, but in reality it was great fun.  For some reason Dangerous knew all the corny jokes to yell out.  For instance, if B-4 is called, you just have to say "and after!" And when it's time for B-9, you gotta say "or malignant!"  So stupid, but funny as hell when you're as drunk as we were.
Me thinks their sign needs a comma, but I love them nonetheless. 
But here's where things get interesting.

After Bingo, an attractive woman I hadn't said one word to walks right up to me, hands me a piece of paper with her name and her number written on it and says "I can't talk to you right now because I'm kind of on a date, but call me."  Then she walks away back to her table, and her date comes out of the bathroom.  And her date is another woman.  I watched the two of them leave shortly after that, and through the window I saw them across the street both stretching their hamstrings.  What sort of insane lesbian sex acts did they have in store for the night that required stretching out their leg muscles?  And did one of them want me to be a part of said acts?
"That's it!  Breathe on my back!  And don't ever talk to a Bingo dork again!"
I'm in a committed relationship with the greatest gal I've ever known, so I discarded her number.  Actually, that's not entirely true.  I tried to get it out of my pocket as proof to some guys at the bar that it actually happened (or prove to myself that I hadn't imagined it), but I had already lost it.  I'm the least organized person I know.

When I woke up the next day with a clear head, I had decided that it couldn't be that she was totally taken with my rugged good looks and my command of the Bingo stamper.  What was going on was one of these three scenarios:

A) She was on a date with a woman who exposed all women to be what she was growing tired of, and she decided right then and there that she needed to mix things up with a fella.  And I was nothing special but the nearest halfway decent looking man with a functional wang.

B) Her date was her girlfriend and she wanted to start a fight with her by coming on to someone that would piss her off the most: a man.  Had I taken that bait, I would be in store for an epic cat fight with me in the middle and being crushed to death between their super-strong stretched out thighs.

C) She wanted me to be part of a an epic three-way sex romp that would go all night and I would have to ice my genitals all the next day.

I have actually ruled out choice C.

Then Dangerous is taking pictures of some people he happened to know in the bar, and he says "hold on, that great big tall girl was right in the way of that shot."  And the girl got all sad about it.  Then he spent the better part of an hour consoling tall girl and trying to convince her that she is pretty.  She went on-and-on about how she has a low self concept.  I had no idea what they were talking about, so I walked over there and said "Wow, you're tall!  Do you play volleyball?  Stand up for a second and put your arms up.  You would be terrific at the middle-block position!"  I think that set Dangerous back an extra twenty minutes on his quest to make her less self conscious about her height.

We're going to need a bigger lens to make this shot work.  That or shorter trees.
So that's it.  Anyone have any thoughts about the lesbian proposition or the poor tall gal with low self-esteem?  


Jimmy Fungus said...

Wow, I guess you will never know what the lesbian girl had in store for you, but I do applaud you for your loyalty to your gf. If something like this happened to me, I would just assume she was a secret agent for the North Korean government who wanted to kidnap me for my body organs, but in your case... I dono, maybe ask around to see if anyone knows her, and can shed some light on it for you. Or maybe just forget it, since you are in a committed relationship, it might lead you into the kind of trouble where you end up on the Jerry Springer Show.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Fungus: The Korean angle is not something I would have explored without your input, and I thank you for that. I do appreciate you coming by and leaving a long thoughtful and funny comment. : )

Gorilla Bananas said...

It's possible she selected you to be the father of her child. I've heard of lesbians getting strange men they liked the look of to impregnate them. Maybe you've got athletic thighs or something. I think you should have found out what she wanted and passed her on to some other deserving goober. Opportunities like that shouldn't be allowed to go to waste.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Bananas: This is why you're one of my favorite blog buddies. I think you're barking up the wrong tree here. I'm tall, okay-looking, no visible deformities . . . I guess she just wanted my sperm to give birth to a professional athlete of some kind. Genius.

Fredulous said...

Tall women are where it's at. 5'10+ are the master race.

DWei said...

I'm kind of jealous that you got approached like this. I got something similar once, but the girl lost interest quickly when she discovered that I was an Undergraduate student.

JerseySjov said...

I give off such a vigorously heterosexual female vibe that I've never been approached by a lesbian, so I can't help you with that one.
As for the big ol' tall gal, in my humble 5'7 opinion, she needs to get over it. Which should be easy given that she probably has very long legs. I will say that it's rude to comment on someone's physical appearance (ie he could have said "that girl" instead of "that honking massive amazon"), but I'm assuming he didn't mean to offend and she had just had enough beers to get sad-sad about it. Plus, what kind of wierdo talks to a stranger at a bar about how self-conscious they are about their height? What did she think she would accomplish?

billy pilgrim said...

i'm guessing the 2 ladies had a small wager on how you'd react. lesbians are always on the prowl for lab rats.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Fred: I agree. Sometimes it's nice to have a lot of real estate out there. Lots of green on the fare way to explore.

DW: I thought undergraduate would heighten the interest. Some are looking for legit boy-toys.

Jov: Dangerous probably said it even more bluntly than I put it. He will do that. Offend someone at first and then they end up arm in arm and best of friends. It's his way.

Billy: I think you're right. I felt like a bit of a lab rat.