"I'm EXPRESSING with my full capabilities"

I recently noticed that I use a lot of expressions that I've gathered up over the years. I've been told I talk like an old man sometimes, which to me is a compliment. I like to think I'm an old soul.

So, without further delay, here are my top ten favorite expressions:

1. The next time someone is eating the shit out of something in mass quantities say "You're eating like you have 16 assholes!" - The implication is that to poo out that much food one would need numerous out holes.

2. "That chick is crazier than a shit-house rat!" - A guy in Stand By Me says that about the Corey Feldman character's dad. If any of you watched The Surreal Life you
will know that Corey himself is bat shit crazy. <---- That's another good one.

3. When you see someone shivering like crazy in the cold say, "you are shaking like a dog shitting peach pits." This one I got from my mom, of all people. Picturing a German Shepherd working out a peach pit cracks my shit up.

4. "I swear that guy is dumber than a bag of hammers." Love that one. It's just so wonderfully random.

5. If you find yourself at a house party and someone hands you a warm, crappy beer, tell them, "this beer tastes like a tub of warm piss that somebody farted in!"

6. When someone is being indecisive or when someone is screwing around say, "Would you quit fuck-assin' around!" I got that from a fiend of mine from Indiana, and with his accent it's really damn funny.

7. If you are lucky enough to see a young lady with big hooters in your new future, say "The last time I saw jugs like that a couple of hill-billies were blowin' in 'um."

8. "It's colder than a well digger's ass in here!" I've also heard hotter than a well digger's ass, so the temperature is undetermined, but we know it's extreme in which ever direction it may be.

9. "I'm outy like a fat girl in dodge ball." That one is kind of mean, but you gotta believe 9 out of 10 chubby, female students are likely to be sitting on the side within a few seconds of that first whistle.

10. The next time you let out a particularly loud and retched burp, say "Pardon me. I meant to puke."

I feel I should include one of my least favorite expressions: "I want to fuck the shit out of her!" That is a really sleazy phrase and really disgusting when you think about it literally. For some reason I just always picture going to town on some girl and doody squirting out of everywhere, even her ears.

Alright, seven readers, let's hear some of your favorite/least favorite expressions!