Tuesday, April 18, 2006

The Suburbs Will Suck Your Soul

I hate losing contact with my friends from the suburbs. It's not that I like them any less than my city dwelling friends, it just happens. It reaches a point where it's a standoff: They hate coming out here and I hate going out there. It's like, I have this terrific city all around me, and they have . . . Naperville. Sure the suburbs can be fun, if by fun you mean going to the same two bars every weekend to watch the cool kids from high school become bigger and bigger losers over the years, and then hop in your car, only to be followed by a DUI-ticket-writing-hungry, suburban cop who has no real crimes to fight. I came up with percentages for the reasons I think the suburban friends have for not coming out, and my good friend Roxana helped me with a pie chart. Thanks, Roxy. However, I can't figure out how to get the pie chart on my blog, so you'll just have to form a little pie chart in your head, which is a pretty fun way to pass the time. Enjoy.

70%: There is nowhere to park in that fucking city. Why don't they have any God damned parking lots? After driving around looking for an hour, I just want to go home, drink a sixer, and go to sleep.

20%: $6.50 for one Heineken? I can get a twelve pack of Busch light for that in the burbs.

7% $5 cover charge? That's bullshit. I've been to Joanie's Dry Dock dozens of time, and not ONCE has Joanie asked me for a cover charge.

2% I'd like to come out to Chicago, but I have to get a fresh start on my lawn early tomorrow morning, or the neighbors will start talking about me.

1% Just come out by me! Hootie and the Blowfish are playing Ribfest in Naperville!

10 comments:

Steph said...

Just move back to the burbs. It's enevitable. It sucks you in like a vortex. ;)

ocg said...

I hope I don't get sucked into that suburbian nightmare.

It is all too easy to get stuck in our own "bubbles" (what my roomie and I call them) and not want to leave them for anyone else’s...

Lizzie said...

I like your pie chart but I tend to think it's just 100% laziness.

I've never understood why young(ish) people would want to live in the suburbs. I feel like moving there is basically saying "I give up" and just riding out your time til retirement.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I will NEVER get sucked in, Steph and OC.

Lizzie: It is giving up. Just like Seinfeld said wearing sweat pants in public is giving up.

Anonymous said...

You'll never get sucked in? We'll see about that.

Ace Cowboy said...

Where are the updates to this here blog, ya slacker...

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I KNOW! I suck. I met a new lady-friend and my work is monitoring all our internet activities. The two have led to downright crappy blog updating. I will get back in the game real soon.

HAKKIN£N!!!!!!!!!!!!! said...

My guess, people head to the burb for one thing, and one thing only:

BUTTFUCKIN'!

Anonymous said...

Although I dont know any of you - I agree. Suburbs suck! I live in Ottawa, Canada, a city of 1 million plus people with the most ridiculous urban sprawl developments happening all around...cookie cutter homes, big box stores everywhere, huge malls, congestion every day as everyone seems to have the same schedule: groceries on tuesday, little johnny plays soccer on wednesdays and cindy has ballet on thursdays. Anyways, the city rules!!!!!!!!
Have a good one.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Hakkin: Hahahhahaha!! All they can handle.

Anon: Thanks for coming by, and sorry about the suburban situation.