Monday, May 01, 2017

The other day I went for a swim at a gym location and time that was strange to me, and it turns out that is the time when all of the older (perhaps retired) people use the pool. Few were swimming. Most were walking laps up and down. When I stopped on my end to take a break, I looked up to see a heavyset woman barreling her way towards me. Usually you ask someone before sharing a lane, but I'm not one to ever say no. Also, I found it odd that I recognized her as someone who was already in a lane. So, why make the jump into my lane? It turns out she wanted to talk to me while she did her pool-walking-laps.

Her: Am I the only one bothered by this? 
(She motioned towards of the other swimmers)

Me: What?

Her: The rules say for everyone to wear 'proper swim attire. We all have bathing suits. Why can't she put one on.
(Now it was clear to me that she was talking about another woman walking laps with foamy weights wearing garbs in accordance with her religious practice. Looks like I was in the midst of an aquatic holy war)

Me: I don't know.
(At this point I was pulling my goggles back on and trying my best to stay out of it.)

Her: I told the woman that she needs to wear proper swim attire, and she swore at me. She said "great googily-moogily. 
(she didn't actually say this gibberish. She stated some swear words in another language that I didn't recognize. I found it odd that the racist woman cared enough to research the curse words of a culture she hates.)

Me: Yeah, okay . . . 

Her: You know, you can't say anything to anyone anymore without getting arrested, or something. I already told the management about her, and they didn't do anything. 

Me: Okay, I'm going to finish swimming now.
(At this point I looked over at the woman with the religious garbs to see her pumping her foam weights emphatically and muttering angrily to herself. There really was a holy war erupting between these gals. Or perhaps just a Holy Cold War. Either way, I wasn't sticking around to find out if it was going to come to blows with bloody noses gushing all over the joint)

I don't think reporting someone to management is appropriate. The gym can't throw someone out of the gym for wearing what this woman was wearing. First Amendment rights still apply at the gym, right? And how could what someone else swims in possibly bother anyone else? If anything, I could have complained about the lady hopping into my lane without asking and unloading her hate speech at me. And why was she coming at me like I was going to agree with any of it? Just because I was a white male?

The second I hopped out of the pool and opened the locker room door, I found a couple of guys who should have been reported to management. Despite the fact that there is already music playing, they were blasting their own loud rap music with a little stereo while trying to yell over that and a couple of hair dryers to have a conversation the whole locker room had to listen to. Also, the rap music was that auto-tune robot vocals crap that all these rappers use these days. And I hate that shit. So when I come out of the shower to use one of the hair dryers, right when I turn the corner to where they are, I am hit with the awful stench of steamed body odor. These two morons were evidently drying off the stinky clothes they just worked out in with the only two hair dryers! If you ask me, leaving the sweaty clothes on would be far less offensive than heating them up, especially the socks because I think that is the smell that was really permeating all through the immediate area. 

After I got changed, I went back by the hair dryers to see if they were available to see that they were, but the stinky clothes were still on the sink and the stereo was still playing. One of the guys was rapping every word coming from the stereo 30 feet away loudly from his shower. A guy from the front desk came by to ask if it was my radio, and I said, "No. But I bet you can guess whose it is." 

Hand weights Muslim lady is welcome at my gym any time. Steamed sweat socks duo? You two need to learn some gym etiquette. And basic hygiene. And science. And music taste. And just how not to be idiots. And, just maybe work out from home with your robot vocals songs and never expose anyone to your steamed body odor. 


peppylady (Dora) said...

Hello from Idaho and found your blog though the pond. I have no ideal about having an gym or let lone a swimming pool.
If you fine time stop in for a cup of coffee

Gorilla Bananas said...

Now I'm confused. Aren't you supposed to wash dirty clothes before drying them? It's a pity you didn't remember those Arabic cuss words, they might have been good ones!

E. Rosewater said...

where's walter sobchak when you need him?

mistress maddie said...

And here I thought the lady approaching who just wanted a close up view of you in your speedo. Those guys need to go asap! The gym should be productive and a joy.

Exile on Pain Street said...

Private gyms are the bomb. You don't need to bother with the rude hoi polloi. But they're so expensive! That's the problem.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Peppy: Thanks for taking a dip in the Gancer pool. I'll be by your site in a second too.

Gorilla: I'm wondering if she learned those curses. Fox News?

Rosewater: "Anti-semite!" Hahaha. Perfect. He would have thrown a bowling ball into her baby maker for sure.

Mistress: I don't swim in Speedos. And my body is not awesome or anything, but I was WAY and away the most fit during the early bird retired people swim.

Exile: I did go to a private one for a few weeks using some free passes. They eventually said, "So . . . are you going to join or no?" Nope. Too much money. But I did love that cucumber water. So refreshing.

LL Cool Joe said...

You know I was sure I was already following you, but it seems I wasn't. Another blogger glitch!

Btw Just to say I am British so I'm not sure we get Saturday Night Live here!

And yeah what has happened to rap in the US today? Thank God for Kendrick Lamar. I can understand why so many American rap fans are now getting into UK Grime like Skepta and Stormzy. Rap music as it should be.

Jimmy Fungus said...

Not to start World War III with fans of any music genre, but if it is not bad enough rappers do not sing or play instruments, now they need autotune to even rap? Though I suppose the fact they make their living in the music industry without being able to do anything that would be considered musical is an accomplishment in and of itself. so in that sense they deserve every penny they make.

Mr. Shife said...

A men's locker room at the gym is a scary place. I have had a few memorable experiences in there myself and none I would consider a good memory. Better luck next time at the gym, Dr. Ken.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

L.L.: I would tell you to watch all the great old SNL stuff from the late 80's and early to mid 90's, but it's so hard to find that stuff online. I haven't been really excited about a rap song in over 15 years. Maybe I'll like these U.K. guys you mentioned . . .

Jimmy: You're not out of line at all here, Jimmy. Great points.

Shife: I think there's a blog post in this for you, Shifey! And why do the Cubs suck so far?

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