Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Reverend/Dr. Kenneth's Speech


DISCLAIMER: If you are reading this and are a guest at the wedding where I'm the reverend on Saturday, stop reading at once.  Don't be that guy.  Come on! 

So, keep in mind that this is a wedding with zero religious implications and it's at a bar, so it's a little unconventional.  Anyway, here is what I got.  Please respond with any thoughts, comments, or criticisms:

"Yeah!  You all ready for a wedding or what!?  Let’s do this!

(now in a very calm voice) Yeah, in case you didn’t know, we’re gathered here today to join Nic Van Horn and Sarah Fergusen in the holiest of holy matrimony.  I’m Dr. Ken, for those that don’t know me.  These two lovely people asked me to be their reverend, and I was truly honored, and If anyone doubts my reverendship, I’ll have you know that I labored on the internet clicking and clacking away for over five minutes to get a professional-ish looking certificate with my name on it to make it official.  And I bought this tie (motions to bolo tie with the cross broach) - So I’m the guy. 

I met Nic on Craig’s list.  The reverend has met a lot of interesting people on Craig’s List.  People into all kinds of interesting things, but Nic was a prospective roommate at the now legendary 5 bedroom Chicago house of our extended, latent fratboy period, the place known simply as: 1522.  When he walked in the door for his interview, we all knew he was the guy.  Laid back, funny, likes sports, and likes to have a beer or two.  In fact, over drinks is how he got his nickname.  Not Nicky-Bear.  Only one person calls him that (motions toward bride), well, maybe 70 or 80 people will call him that now that I’ve let that cat out of the bag, but Ryan dubbed him “Nicky Woo-Woo.”  Why?  Well every now and then when Nic is partying, he will let out a (holds mic over to Nic, who lets out a WOO in the vain of Ric Flair)


And it was at a party, a redneck party, at 1522 where he courted a young Sarah.  He in a pair of very revealing cut off jean shorts, and she in . . . just regular clothes.   Going redneck comes more naturally to Michiganders than it does to those from Mass, it seems.  In any event, I recall Nic settling in at the back porch table, and Sarah arrived shortly thereafter.  The two hit it off instantly, and gradually they weren’t talking to . . . anyone else . . . but each other.  It got to a point where the good reverend thought it best to excuse himself, and it looked as if others thought the same.  Soon it was just the two of them on that back porch and they were conversing at a closer-and-closer distance which could only mean one thing . . . they were gonna’ smooch!  And smooch they did!

And they really haven’t stopped.  Only a matter of weeks ago, my lady and I were out with them at the Liars Club - you’ll all be going there later tonight, by the way.  It’s the best bar in Chicago, and the reverend will be having his ashes spread on that dance floor when it’s his time to join Baby Jesus in Heaven- So we’re at the Liars Club, and Nic and Sarah appear to be trying to swallow one another’s faces off.  We smiled at them and said something to the effect of, “Holy mackerel!,” to which the irreverent Nic Van Horn responded, “What?  Come on!  Have you seen her?”  I love this guy.  Honest to God I do. 

And Sarah is awesome too.  Whenever I come out, she smiles all night like she’s so happy to see me, and I feel really good about myself.  If she makes me feel like that, I can’t even imagine how happy she makes Nic. 

These two are very much in love, and that is plain to see.  You just have to love these two, and the two of them together are even better.  They send out nothing but good vibes and all smiles, and they just seem so natural and happy with one another.  Take it from a guy in love: There really is no better thing in the world than being in love, and these two are a perfect example of that.; the kind of love certainly worth celebrating. 

So, let’s get to the part where they profess their undying love to one another for all of us to hear with their own words, reading their own vows, which I think is just a baller-ass move at a wedding.  None of that scripted crap – just from the heart, what’s in here (motions to heart).  

Sarah, you’re up first. 

(Brief organic on Sarah’s speech)

And now, Nic, it is your turn. 

(Brief organic on Nic’s speech)

Okay, we did the vows, so now let’s go to the part where I say this: Nic, do you swear to be the world’s best husband known to man to Sarah for the rest of your days.  

Sarah, do you swear to love this guy with all you got all day, every day until the end of time?

Then, by the power vested in me from Reverend.com, or whatever, I now pronounce you man and wife.  You may now smooch the bride!"

9 comments:

Heff said...

Oh. THAT kind of Reverend. (phew!).

There for a minute I thought I needed to APOLOGIZE FOR EVERY COMMENT I'VE EVER LEFT HERE, Lol.

Sista said...

Looks good: I may get rid of "baller-ass" and "smooch" the bride. There is something nice about the original, "You may now kiss the bride." Not a big deal - just a thought.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Heff: Not the religious type. Not at all.

Sista: I'm going to make those 2 changes. You're right on both accounts. I had swearing rights, but that doesn't mean I need to.

Cocaine Princess said...

Awesome. I especially loved this line the best: "There really is no better thing in the world than being in love"

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Cocaine: Thanks so much. And I do believe that too. : )

james douglas morrison said...

nice, just add that blackhawks part and maybe a fire extinquisher at the end.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

JDM: Both great additions. Haha. Can't believe that night actually happened and I barely remember. JDM is always about safety first . . .

sybil law said...

Soooo cool! When I marry Mr. Grohl, you're totally the Reverend.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Sybil: I got you!! The reverend is free that night.