Sunday, December 23, 2012

Baby, It's Cold in Those Undies

This morning I agreed to run up and down a bunch of hills at the Arboretum, a place where people walk around and look at trees, I guess.  I thought it would be a good idea to run some hills to get ready for the Oakland Marathon, of all places.  Maybe some bullet dodging training should be in order as well.  I have lots of bad ideas.

A couple miles in and I was regretting this decision.  The good news was that slowly the hangover was fading.  The bad news is that as that dissipated, I started to freeze my dick off.  That isn't meant simply as an uncouth figure of speech.  No, I was quite literally freezing my dick off.  I have got in a lot of trouble spending nights trying to get that part of me into some warm (sometimes wet) places over the years, but this was a far more dire situation. 

When that part of your body gets really, really cold, it's hard to concentrate on much of anything else but getting your privates warmed up, but I did think of this: The last time I was shopping for jogging clothes, I didn't buy the running tights to keep my bottom half warm because they were all overpriced, which is strange because the tops in the same material are like a third of the price.  However, when you find yourself in an Arboretum in bitter cold temperatures and in danger of contracting hypothermia of the penis, money is no object.  I will now pay anything they want to protect my little man from the elements.  I swear (looks down to his wang) I will never put you in a spot like that ever again. 

We survived, me and him.  Thanks for reading over the years, everyone.  I know there are a few too many dick jokes and the like around here, but I really do value those of you who have come by over the years to share in my idiotic journey.  Happy holidays, everyone. 

7 comments:

Cocaine Princess said...

Have a great holiday and a fantastic 2013!!

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Coke Princess: You do the same. : )

Gorilla Bananas said...

I googled "male merkin" to see if there was a product to keep your winkie warm but didn't find anything. Maybe I should have googled "long johnson" instead. Hope you had a merry one, Dr Ken, best wishes for the new year.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorilla: Same to you and yours, Gorilla. "Long Johnson" is a fine idea. I was also thinking of the "Nut Hut."

Michael5000 said...

Mrs.5000 grew up a few blocks from the Arboretum. She used to hang out there after school when she was a little girl. So this post gives me a better-rounded idea of the place and the diverse experiences that people have there.


Happy New Year and best of luck to you and your dick in 2013!

Mr. Shife said...

I have enjoyed your journey since the first day I visited, and I can't wait to integrate hypothermia of the penis into a conversation with someone today. Thanks for that. Have a great weekend, Happy New Year, and I hope your dick stays warm all year long. The last part of the sentence does make me sound a little gay but hey man I want you have to have a toasty and cozy wang.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

5000: Thanks! You too, old buddy! Brunch in the Arboretum is pretty nice and fancy with a great view.

Shife: Toasty and cozy wang! What more can a man ask for?