This morning I agreed to run up and down a bunch of hills at the Arboretum, a place where people walk around and look at trees, I guess. I thought it would be a good idea to run some hills to get ready for the Oakland Marathon, of all places. Maybe some bullet dodging training should be in order as well. I have lots of bad ideas.
A couple miles in and I was regretting this decision. The good news was that slowly the hangover was fading. The bad news is that as that dissipated, I started to freeze my dick off. That isn't meant simply as an uncouth figure of speech. No, I was quite literally freezing my dick off. I have got in a lot of trouble spending nights trying to get that part of me into some warm (sometimes wet) places over the years, but this was a far more dire situation.
When that part of your body gets really, really cold, it's hard to
concentrate on much of anything else but getting your privates warmed up, but I did think of this: The last time I was shopping for jogging clothes, I didn't buy the running tights to keep my bottom half warm because they were all overpriced, which is strange because the tops in the same material are like a third of the price. However, when you find yourself in an Arboretum in bitter cold temperatures and in danger of contracting hypothermia of the penis, money is no object. I will now pay anything they want to protect my little man from the elements. I swear (looks down to his wang) I will never put you in a spot like that ever again.
We survived, me and him. Thanks for reading over the years, everyone. I know there are a few too many dick jokes and the like around here, but I really do value those of you who have come by over the years to share in my idiotic journey. Happy holidays, everyone.