I’m going to make a confession: I dabble in online dating. Hey, there are millions of people doing it. Allow me to paraphrase what every loser writes on their page to justify being blatantly lonely enough to try this endeavor: “I just wasn’t meeting the quality of people I’m looking for in the bar scene.” How about, “I’m just so busy during the week, that I don’t have time to meet people.” Better yet, “I was holding out for a long time, but my friend has been begging me to sign up, and here I am.” Please accept any one of those horrible excuses, and we’ll simply move onto uncovering the embarrassing world that is online dating.
I’ve only been on 5 or 6 dates, and I’ve been signed up for over a year. I’m sure you’re thinking I’m being overly picky, but if you saw some of the women that email me, you’d understand. Sometimes I’d like to email back one of these unfortunate looking, young ladies and say, “I didn’t know Trolls really existed! Isn’t there a bridge you should be under right now, or do you get a wireless signal under your bridge.” Okay, so I don’t get the random emails from attractive ones, but I do find lots of pretty ones when I sort through the profiles. Pretty ones with anything INTERESTING to say in their profile, now that’s a different story. Allow me to list some boring elements that I guarantee a profile picked at random will have at least one of:
“I really like to travel” – I do too, but I can’t fucking afford it. I can love it all I want, but let’s face it; my salary only allows me to do so much. Well, hope she likes the Wisconsin Dells! I know a guy that can get us the best bench at Paul Bunyan’s, so we can share a romantic flapjack meal.
“My family and friends are very important to me” - I want the one that says she’s alienated and estranged from her family, and the split has to do with a horrific incident that she’s only able to talk about through hypnosis. It would be scary, but at least be interesting . . .
“I want a man that’s confident but not cocky” – You rarely come across the gal saying she’s looking for an arrogant prick of a man that picks a bunch of fights with strangers.
“I enjoy going out, but I also like staying in” - Doesn’t everyone love those two things? If you did just one or the other you’d either be a raging alcoholic or a hermit. I think we all strike that balance, honey.
I think the reason for the boring female profiles is that men are under the gun to be funny and witty all the time, and online dating is no exception. When I get an email or a wink (how nerdy is that) from someone, they are usually interested in the picture or something they found funny on the profile. I’m almost always interested solely in the picture, then I frantically skim through the profile for something mildly interesting to comment on, and if I don’t find it interesting, I fake it, like this, “Wow! I like to travel too, usually with my family, who is so very important to me. I love going out almost as much as I love to stay in, but if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s cocky men. Damn those cocky bastards . . .” Am I lying when I say these things? Of course I am. The whole world of online dating is based on lying, which I think will be the topic of my next blog. Stay tuned . . .
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