Thursday, November 22, 2007

I Bring You . . .

. . . Some of the funniest, most random things I've heard in the past week or so:

The Biggest Undies Surplus I've Ever Heard of: Last night a female friend of mine, who has always seemed normal enough, told me two of the strangest things I've ever heard.

1. Don't ask me how this came up, but she disclosed to me that she owns 250 pairs of underwear, many of which still have the tags on them, and they take up like three drawers. Who in the hell hoards undies like that? I told her she should make a quilt out of them, like Gayle Zappa did with all of the bloomers that Frank got from his fans. That idea made her right eyebrow go up, which is when I know I've peaked her interest.
2. She still clings to a security "blankie" she has had since she was two-years-old. When her and I were trying to decide whether or not her boyfriend was a good catch, she did say that he would run into a burning building to save her "blankie." That made our minds up on two matters. He's alright, and she's totally fuck-nuts, in a good way.

Bangin': Today I was telling my mom how my opinion of someone, unless he/she is on of my readers, of course, immediately drops when I hear that he/she tunes in every week for a shit-ass episode of Grey's Anatomy. She pointed out what I've always thought, and what most anyone else should be able to deduce, that one would not want to be treated in a hospital where the entire staff is "bangin'" each other. I'm not sure if any of you will think that's funny, but I just got a bang, pun intended, out of my mom saying "bangin'."

Rotten Ass: I was out with K.I.D., Niner, and some other folks, and K.I.D. relayed a story to us where a random guy said her ass is "ripe." This is along the same lines as the fellow-patron at Home Depot calling Bottle "thick." In both cases, although I wasn't there, I'm sure it was meant as a complement, but in neither case did the woman in question take it as such. To comfort K.I.D., Niner posed the question of would she rather the guy had said she had a "rotten ass?" I nearly fell out of my chair.

32 comments:

Sassy Blondie said...

Happy Thanksgiving!
And the stories were funny...I concur on the mom story, in particular. My dad has certainly busted out with some funny stuff in the past.

Michael5000 said...

I can only think of two reasons why anybody could conceivably need 250 pairs of underwear.

a) They work in one of those hospitals where everybody is constantly bangin' on each other, or

b) They have an especially ripe ass.

Otherwise, it's definitely time to cut back.

phishez_rule said...

Maybe she does a Cristina Yang. Ha! See what I did there. I used a reference that you'll never ever get to make me look smart!

tip: she wears them once and then throws them away.

The Charming Hedonist said...

I completely understand the surplus underwear. I once had a "thing" (read, 3 days of nonstop sex) with a guy and when I told him I didn't think it would work and kicked him out of my house (read, nicelhy told him to leave while I was in the shower), he stole all of my underwear. Who the hell steals EVERY PIECE OF YOUR UNDERWEAR?

A hidden undies surplus would have been nice that week....

So@24 said...

A ripe ass! I never heard that one, but you can be damn sure it'll come out when I'm 8 Rusty Nails deep at the next dive bar.

Brilliant!

BottleBlonde said...

I've never watched an episode of that fucking Grey's Anatomy. Not once. Wanna bang me now? Your mom can watch.

I can't believe you remembered how that guy called me thick! HAhahahaaaaaaa! Thank you for the shout out, honey bunny!

Betty said...

I am truly envious of your friend who has 3 drawer full of underpants.
I would LOVE to have that many undies. I'm inspired to go out and buy some more tomorrow. Sounds like comfort, if you ask me.

Great post!!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I have seven pairs of underoos, one for each day of the week. After week 1, I turn them inside out and wear them for another week.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Sassy: Glad you an my moms are in agreement.

Audi 5000: Yeah, ripe asses rip right through those drawers.

Phishez: I'll have to look that one up. You have, indeed, stumped me.

Charming: Any time you want to have three days of non-stop sex, email me. If after that point you don't think it will "work out," that's just fine, because it will have worked out fine for me.

24: That one is all your's, buddy. Go forth and find some ripe ass.

Bottle: Hey, my mom reads this blog sometimes! She has no interest in watching some things, but that doesn't mean we can't bang, does it? That's not a requirement for you, is it?

Betty: Let me know when you go over 250. Only problem is, by the time you amass that many, she will have gone up to like 300. You'll never catch her, nor wil anyone.

Mighty: Underoos! I had Icredible Hulk ones . . .

Drunken Chud said...

yeah, i watched a couple eps of greys when it first aired, then all went to shit. i can't watch it, yet my brother and father do. AND they tivo it. riiiight.

as for the undies, i have 2 pair. in case i have to go to the doctors 2 days in a row.

you should post pictures of said "ripe ass" let us judge whether tis ripe or rotten.

Airam said...

A ripe ass!? I say that replaces "junk in the trunk" from now on.

Steph said...

I'm over Grey's too. It's too soapie like for me.

The Charming Hedonist said...

Okay, but are you going to steal my underwear too? I just need to know if I should stockpile a skivies-surplus myself.

Scary Monster said...

On the other side of the moon, Me has worn the same pair ofunderwear fer the past 250 days. It be difficult from keepin them from walkin away on their own...

STOMP.

sequined said...

An underwear quilt would be fun. But then I'd probably need to buy more pairs. Which would also be fun!
You are a genius!

And I think I would be flattered if someone said I have a ripe ass. But not thick. That sounds like code for fat.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chudly: I don't think think she be pleased with me posting pictures of her can. Rotten ass. It's still funny to me . . .

Airam: I hope so! Way cooler of an expression, I think.

Steph: Glad you're over it. I'd sooner watch Quincy.

Charming: Not all of them. Just one or two.

Scary: That's quite a streak that you have going! The brown/green streak must be something else too.

Seq: Ripe does sound nicer than thick, I suppose. I don't think I'd say either one to a chick. I'm not cool enough.

zen wizard said...

I am probably coming close to her in the underweear department--

The issue in my case is not, "underwear fixation," but "laundry avoidance."

Drunken Chud said...

you never know until you try.

M said...

god I hate that McDreamy.

Kadonkadonk said...

Grey's can suck it! And there is nothing wrong with a ripe ass. I mean, who doesn't like the real fresh and juicy?

Rock Hammer said...

I have at least 250 pairs of underwear. But I only own 18.

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

Don't know what to say about Panty lady.

Grey's Anatomy is indeed a litmus test of intelligence. Although I think Katherine Heigl is beautiful no matter what piece of crap she's in. And it's awesome that your mom said bangin' and it was funny. When my mom mentions anything about sex, it's usually nothing I want to hear.

I too get the "love" from the local workmen and Home Depot employees. In fact, there's a crossing guard who stops me when I'm running to ask the time and crap, and today he told me that I am "damn fine". Also today I flipped off a truck of construction workers while running because they were such pigs. The men of my neighborhood are going to be disappointed when it's too cold to go running.

5 of 9er said...

I've have seen the ladies with the rotten asses... no so funny. :)

ReckenRoll said...

I watch Grey's Anatomy. I am one of your readers.

I have no shame on either account.
Go figure.

classyandfancy said...

Your next goal: get your dad to say boinked.

GT said...

Maybe the reason she has so many is that she hates washing and along the line of what Phishez said, throws them out.

What I will prob do in the future

Eve said...

My neighbor in college was also an underwear collector. She had unopened boxes in her drawers, and also had different underwear for different occasions. She had "lounging" underwear. One of the guys on our floor complained because he was uncomfortable with her nudity. Weird.

And funny about your mom. I hate all of those dumb shows (meaning the ones I don't watch.)

Mr. Shife said...

My ass has been called ripe numerous times but I know for sure it was not meant as a compliment. Maybe your friend is trying to have a pair of underwear for every day of the year.

RevRee said...

Once my Grandfather offered to Cage fight my Boss for me...

How does an 83 year old man know about these things?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Zen: I've considering buying new ones to avoid laundry, but in those cases I usually just go Free Ballin' like Tom Petty.

Chud: The unannounced ass posting . . .

M: Thanks for coming by, and don't like, you liked him in Can't Buy Me Love when he did the African Anteater Dance.

'Donk: Yes! Down with Grey's and Hooray for Ripe Asses. The masses have spoken.

Rock: Wait, why did your name change from Casey to rock hammer? That must be a geologist thing. I didn't know geologists had so many undies. Why would I? . . .

Law: You're quite the hit in your neighborhood! You should jog to the sounds of "these are the perverts in my neighborhood," like Sesame Street.

Niner: You did coin the phrase too, so you're the expert!

Reck: Best comment I've had in a long time.

Classy: It's easy to get my dad to say perverted things, but he would rhyme it with something.

gt: You sound like you're defending her. Are you too an undies-horder?

Eve: Yeah, the gal I was talking about still has the tags on a bunch of her bloomers.

Shife: If I tell her that days of the year thing, she's sure to buy 114 more undies.

Rev: My grandpa never challenged anyone to a steel cage match, but he did once beat Grandpa Dykerson's ass in Thunderdome.

radioactive girl said...

I love slutty underwear, but seriously? 250 pairs? I think that is just too many!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

You can never have enough!!!