Friday, July 01, 2016

So I'm married with our first baby on the way, but did you guys know that I was married once before? It's true. I was actually married for a whopping 8 months before my wife at the time decided that she should start sleeping with a Chicago Cop. At the time I was totally devastated, but now I would like to thank that man. Not only does he risk his life every day, but he got me out of a horrible marriage. She and I couldn't be more wrong for each other, so he did us both a favor. He did my wife, and he did me a favor.  It's weird because at the time I was so messed up about it that I hated all cops as a result, but now I would shake his hand and thank him from the bottom of my heart. 

But back when that whole thing was going down with the ex, I was an absolute mess. I was losing weight and couldn't sleep. One friend saw me and said I looked like death. Thanks! He was right. I almost laughed, but I couldn't. I'm a man who loves comedy, but nothing could make me laugh at the time. "Da Ali G Show" was new on HBO during that time, and he was the only guy who could get me laughing. This was a major revelation. If I could start laughing again, I could be myself again. Ali G, Bruno, and Borat became my therapists.

The second part of the puzzle was meeting other women, and I couldn't even think about that. I was fixated on my failed marriage and my depression. I moved out of our apartment downtown and back with my parents in the suburbs. My parents are wonderful people, but I was losing my mind and had to get the hell out of there. I would work and sleep all week in the burbs and then pack up a backpack to stay back in Chicago all weekend with friends. I would try to talk to women, but I was not in a good place. They don't want to talk to the sullen brooding guy. When you get dumped and you're young and stupid, you don't think you'll ever meet anyone again. Then one night an amazingly hot Asian Indian chick struck up a conversation with me, and I got her number. I don't think anything tangible came of that, but it gave me the confidence I needed. I remember when I packed up my car with my handful of belongings to move back into the city, I thought to myself that I would meet plenty of women and would be just fine. I remember gazing at the skyline on my drive in, and it was the first time I was really optimistic. My thinking at the time was: This will be a new chapter in your life, Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. 

I went out to the burbs yesterday to visit my dad because my mom is out of town for the week, and driving back to the city on the very same highway that I did so many years ago, I saw the skyline and was reminded how I felt that day. Moments like that are why this is my favorite city in the world and why Chicago's skyline has been at the top of this blog for so long. Thanks for listening, friends. Ali G and Associates were relieved of their duties of their duties as therapists in 2005. That role has been filled by you, seven readers. Thanks for listening, and have yourself a super-duper weekend. 


ammar said...

Gorilla Bananas said...

As a long-time reader of this blog, I did know you had a previous unhappy marriage, Dr Ken. I'm glad you can now contemplate that episode of your life without anguish. Did you see Ali G's interview of Marlin Fitzwater? His last question about Hillary Clinton remains topical!

Jimmy Fungus said...

Though it may be painful sometimes we have to get the toxic people out of our lives. Anyhoo, I replied to your e-mail so check the spam folder if you don't see it, being I put some links in the e-mail.

Mr. Shife said...

It's crazy how things work out, isn't it? And I am really glad they did for you, Dr. Ken. I also got your email and will send some info your way probably later than sooner, but it will be heading your way. Take care and enjoy your holiday weekend.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Gorilla: Thanks for that, and thanks for that clip! Hahaha! Eat from the "bushy bowl!!" hahahaha!

Jimmy: Very true. Very, very true. Thanks for responding with the email, partner!

Mr. Shife: Thanks, Mr. Shife. No hurry on that.

Exile on Pain Street said...

With distance comes clarity. Happens all the time but you don't see it when you're in the heart of the muck.

I beg to differ; striking up a conversation with an amazingly hot Asian Indian chick *IS* something tangible. It would be in my world, anyway.

My brother was married for exactly one year. For their first anniversary they gave each other an uncontested divorce. What a thoughtful gift!

Sorry for the delay but I've been away for the holiday. Here are some folks worth looking into. I don't know if they qualify as all that hilarious but they rarely post a dud. I predict your blogging time will be dramatically reduced very soon.

Kenneth Noisewater said...

Exile: Very true. It's funny to look back on how goofy I was not too long ago. I'll for sure look into those recommendations, and thanks so much for that! I think you're saying that I won't blog as much when the baby comes, and I'm pretty sure you're right. But I'm going to do my best to get my thoughts out through writing because I'm happier and healthier when I take the time to do that. I'll just wash all the poop off my hands before typing away . . .

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