Big Business

I saw a friend last night who is the funniest guy I've ever known. He is a heavyset fellow with a thick Chicago accent, and anyone who meets him is laughing his/her ass off and waiting to hear what he will say next. I met him my freshman year of high school, and ever since he has been the most consistently funny person I have known, and I'm a pretty tough critic, being a fairly funny guy myself.

Here are some of his crowning achievements:

1. In the Earth Science class, we were handed out a worksheet with a heading of, "The Big Bang and the Day After." He whispered to me, "Hey, Ken. The big bang and the morning after." The teacher heard him and threw him out of the room.

2. When he got thrown out of class, he would make a giant blowfish face on the glass for everyone but the teacher to see.

3. We used to drive around together in his giant Buick listening to gangster rap, throwing McDonalds Playland balls at other moving cars, and tipping over portable toilets. This doesn't sound fun, unless you're Beavis or Butthead, but with this guy, it's a riot.

4. His nickname given to him by his work buddies is Big Business because he handles his damn business. When he hooks up with women of a heavy variety, he says they are "Business Class." He did so last night with one who was thick as a brick. God love him. Believe it or not, even if he is a heavy guy, the man is outstanding with the ladies. I had the post a couple blogs ago about needing a wingman in my newly single state, and this guy may be the guy. He works the room, fishes with a big net, and even if we don't have any success, we will always have fun together.

5. We had another teacher who Big Business used to drive nuts with his class clown antics, and one day when she asked where my book was, Business said, "He burned it." Without asking me if it was true, she called my dad to inform him that I had burned my Reading book. I get home, and my dad says, "So, you're burning books, huh?!"

6. During a bachelor party on a trolley, he pulled his pants down and pressed his butt cheeks up against the glass for a girl to see waiting at the bus stop. We all watched her as her glance slowly went towards that direction, and bam! She was horrified and looked away immediately. Hahahha! His brand of comedy sounds low brow, and sometimes it is, but he's actually highly intelligent and witty too.

7. His brother has struggled with drug addiction his whole life, and Business is basically raising his brother's two daughters, since his brother disappears for months at a time and steals stuff when he does come around. Those girls mean everything to Business. Okay, that wasn't an example of him being funny; just awesome.

There are a lot of qualities to a good friend, but one who can always keep you laughing is so important to me. Also, he's a guy who is there for you when you need him at the drop of a hat. Here's to you, Big Business. You're one of finest humans I'll ever know. I hoist a glass of your favorite drink, Vanilla Stoli and Diet Coke, in your general direction.