Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I just did some yoga with HLP's wife, and instead of going to the gym next door as planned, she talked me into getting pizza and going back to HLP's place, where we found Steven Seagal's Marked for Death to be on the plasma.

Let me tell you a few awesome/terrible things about this film . . .

1. The bad guy in the film is a Jamaican drug lord named Screwface with scary eyes, and Steven goes after this guy, breaking like 20 Jamaican arms in the process.

2. Seagal is so chubby, moves so slow, walks around like he has a stick up his ass, and he somehow can beat up a room full of people in his movies.

3. The soundtrack is actually really good with some great reggae songs by Jimmy Cliff and Peter Tosh, along with some random old school rap songs by Young MC and Tone Loc.

4. So, after chopping the head off of the bad guy, Seagal and his cronies bring the head to show a bunch of other baddies, only to have Jamaican Drug Lord Guy show up with his head still attached, somehow. He has a twin brother! So, Seagal has a sword fight with him, cutting his forehead pretty good, pops his thumbs through his eyes, gives him a Wrestlemania back breaker, and throws him through a wall, down an elevator shaft, to be skewered on a pole like so much Jamaican jerk chicken. His one liner? "I hope they're not triplets," or something like that. Terrible!

5. One infamous mistake in the film involves a car chase through Chicago where there are palm trees along the street. Huh? I've lived here all my life, and rarely do I see those.

The bottom line is this: If I could kick as much butt as Seagal, I'd opt for pizza over the gym just about every night, and I'd rock my gut and pony tail whilst busting arms.


Heff said...

I think the guy's pretty funny my damn self !

Andrew said...

That's an average Tuesday night for me. In fact, I slayed a Jamaican drug lord mere hours before I read this.

But seriously, I effing love ridiculous movies like that. I'm always posting clips of them on my Facey B for everyone, but mainly for my own enjoyment.

And yes, I did just call it Facey B.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Segal has a reality show on A&E called Law Man or some shit. He's a real cop on the streets with a camera crew.

The previews for it show some hopped up homeless guy looking at him saying, "you Steven Segal?" and Segal looks into the camera all bad-ass and says, "Who else did you expect."

HeatherLynn said...

I once went on a really bad blind date....and it was going so horribly before we even got to the movie theater, I told my date I wanted to watch the STeven Segal movie that was playing because I just LOOOOOVEd Steven Segal....I did so in an effort to get the guy NOT to like me...cuz even guys don't like his movies!

that's pretty bad isn't it?


Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Heff: Yeah, his films are always good for a laugh or two.

Andrew: I think a clip of Commando needs to go on your wall very soon.

Candy: You had better BELIEVE I'm watching that show. I hope he breaks an arm for no reason, like a guy who ran a red light.

Lynn: Did it work in getting him to not like you? That wouldn't have worked on me. I would have been PUMPED if some chick wanted to see a Seagal flick over a shit-ass romantic comedy.

Andrew said...

Just posted the trailer for "Commando." I wonder if I'll get any comments...

Spiky Zora Jones said...

I saw him at a high school football game in Santa Maria california. Grandpa used ato take me to friday night HS games. he was there as a spectator...I guess he lived in the area...maybe by Michael Jackson. :0)

BTW...years back, Chuck Norris said he could kick Steven Seagal's ass.

Just saying. hehehe. I'd like to see the fight. Oh and I like the music here.

later dude...

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Andrew: Atta boy. You can't go wrong with Commando, dude. I like when the guy gets hit with a bomb of some kind and you can see the little board that comes out of the ground to throw him.

Zora: Thanks for coming by! Hmmm. I say we organize a fight between the two now that they are middle aged. Chuck seems to be in better shape, but I bet Steve-O fights dirtier, and if he gets a hold of Chuck's chest hair like Bruce did, it's game over.