Thursday, June 05, 2008

Ninja Rap and Useless Crap


1. The chorus of Humpin' Around by Bobby Brown sounds exactly like the guitar riff from Dancing Days by Led Zeppelin. I'm not sure if I would have noticed it, but there was a Zep. tribute album out at around the time with a version of Dancing Days by Stone Temple Pilots. I think Bobby should have given the the Zeps full credit, got Jimmy Page to play the guitar, and just called the thing Humpin' Days.


Speaking of Bobby Brown, and I often do, I just saw the video of On Our Own, his contribution to the Ghostbusters 2 soundtrack. It's a pretty bumping song, but why the rap in the middle with awful lyrics about the awful movie? "Grabbed their proton backs on their backs, and they split?" Another bad movie rap around that time came when Vanilla Ice lent a hand to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze soundtrack with Ninja Rap*, complete with an oh-so-stupid chorus of "Go, ninja! Go!" The shit literally "oozed" off that record. MC Hammer cut an equally moronic record called Addams Family Groove, which was anything but "proper."**


You know some rich white guy came up with the idea to make these songs, thinking the kids would think it was cool, but no kid over the age of 8 should have thought any of those songs were cool. Furthermore, none of these artists should have performed them if they had any notion of self-respect. You'd never see NWA doing a Little Mermaid Rap. "Go, Mermaid. Go, Mermaid. Go, Mermaid. Go! Go land yourself a prince without the benefit of your voice, beeyotch! Hans Christian Anderson up in this muthafucka!"

2. I was talking to an African American fifth grader who, in private, informed me that there is a staff member (not this one) who "always be pushin' up on the ladies." That's my new favorite phrase, and I plan on saying it 13 times this weekend alone.

3. When I feel miserable, everything I write about seems so pointless. Even more so than usual.

_____________________________________________________________

*I left the Youtube of Ninja Rap going during a mellow track by Travis, and it was real interesting. I smell a collaboration! Mellow, mellow, RAP!

**That was for my main-liar Cherry.

22 comments:

Chardsy said...

"Go, Mermaid. Go, Mermaid. Go, Mermaid. Go! Go land yourself a prince without the benefit of your voice, beeyotch! Hans Christian Anderson up in this muthafucka!"

I want to hear that in the worst way possible.

"They do what they wanna do, say what they wanna say, act how they wanna dance, kick and they slap a friend, Addams too legit"

Go F yourself for getting that horrible song stuck in my head.

Jake Titus said...

Self respect in music? There seems to be less and less of that these days. For fucks sake I heard Motorheads Ace of Spades on an ATnT wireless commercial the other day. FYI Zepplin can't sell out, they already did. They've contributed guitar tracks to P-shitty.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Your encyclopedic knowledge of pop music continues to impress me. Well done.

Also, I too will be using "always be pushin' up on the ladies" but somehow think my use will be much less frequent than yours. (I need something to replace my other big phrase that I got from you - "dominate the taint" - which for reasons I don't quite understand I was neve really able to use.)

JerseySjov said...

i have -actually make that HAD- a friend who knew all the words to the ninja rap.
congratulations on your new phrase, i hope it works well for you.

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

Oh Snap! I saw Secret of the Ooze at the movies as a kid! That Vanilla Ice number brought back lots-o-memories! As a young dumb lad, I was soo pleasantly surprised and stoked when I saw the Ice man do that scene in the movie! They just don't make 'em like that anymore... thx for the memories man!

Casey said...

I really, really want my hair to look like Vanilla Ice's. I don't know what product I have to use or laws of physics I have to break, I want that hair and white parachute pants. Damn growing up off the grid in the 90s! I missed so much.

Oh well.

The Charming Hedonist said...

Really, we had to bring up MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice? Now I have Ice Ice Baby stuck in my head. And I blame you, Gancy.

You'll have to make this up to me.

tnobes said...

If you want to cut out the middle man check out some Nice and Smooth. Smooth of the aforementioned duo wrote most of Bobby Browns rhymes and is the real genius behind his tasty lyrics.

pistols at dawn said...

Ha ha, I wrote a post once about how the Addams Family raps were the lamest things ever - including Tag Team's "Whoomp (There It Is)" hastily remade to include Addams family member shout outs.

But there is nothing in the least bit lame about "Too hot to handle, too cold to hold/they call the Ghostbusters and they're in control/had 'em throwin' a party for a bunch of children/while all of the while, the slime was under the buildin'/so they packed up their kit, got a grip, came equipped/got their proton packs off their backs, then they split/ba ba ba Vigo, the master of evil/trying to rat on my boys? That's not legal."

That, along with the Partners in Kryme rap from the first TMNT rap, may have been my party trick for a number of years.

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Drunken Chud said...

"Yeah, she was all alone
With no friends, and no phone
Now this was beyond her worst dreams"

seriously, Partners N Crime had the FAR superior TMNT rap. i'm just sayin.

btw... ". When I feel miserable, everything I write about seems so pointless. Even more so than usual."

dude... are you gonna start posting atreyu and from autumn to ashes lyrics? cuz that was the most emo sentence i've ever read from you. so, if you're gonna bait us like that, please indulge us a little.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chard: You are too legit to quit, and I mean that with all my heart.

Jake: You're right. There is no self-respect anymore. Damn this generation. You know who kind of kicked ass in the era of moderate self-respect, in spite of themselves? Sha Na Na.

Cherry: I SORT of remember the dominate the taint conversation, but you're going to have to fill in the gaps next time I see you. By gap I don't mean the space between . . . You know.

Jov: That friend of yours can be my friend, because he knows all those useless words. Why didn't you sleep with him for that alone?

360: You might be the secret of the ooze. You just. might. be.

Casey: You can start by shaving your eyebrow. You'll be so bitchin' . . .

Charm: YES!! Mission accomplished. Now you'll be singing those at the bank and you'll have me to thak for it.

Nobes: Why in the sam shit do you know that? Because you're T-Noble, that's why.

Pistols: I'm sure you have an array of party tricks, some ninja related.

Sum: Don't advertise on my site, because it won't get you anywhere. I have seven readers. Seven.

Chudly: You're the only guy to follow up on that, and that's why you're the guy on my blogroll the longest of these commenters. Big ups to you. Let's just say: Relationshit problems.

Drunken Chud said...

tell brother chud your problems. let's see if we can't get you back on the happy train. or, if telling your problems outright doesn't work, you should try thinly veiled simile and metaphor. i like puzzles.

Sabina said...

Wait, why are you miserable?

JerseySjov said...

i didn't sleep with my friend who knew all the words because i'm not into girls.
you can have her, though, seems like you're into that kind of thing

Jake Titus said...

Yes, Sha na na was keepin it real for a lot of years. But dont forget to lay down props to the HeeHaw crew!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chud: Thanks, big fella. I'm getting back on that "happy train" as we speak (type).

Sabina: Like I told Chudly, I'm back in action. Thanks for you concern.

Jov: Really? That's sweet of you to offer your former friend to me.

Jake: Sha-Na-Na just looked like they were having a lot of fun.

Helen Mansfield said...

This post was only made funnier by the fact your tune player was playing that awful "I saw you {and him} walking in the rain" song.

Gratuitous rap is funny. I counter with "Little Mermaid II: Electric Boogaloo."

Similiar musically horrors happened in the 80s with country music, Sly Stalone in "Rhinestone" anyone?

Jermaine Jackson even attempted to throw some New Wave into his music by having Devo sing background on "Let Me Tickle Your Fancy."

In the 90s, Pat Boone sang metal fer christsake.

And, Pia Zadora desperately tried to sing anything that people might be interested in.

TOPolk said...

"Ninja Rap" was horrible all around. "On Our Own" wasn't bad, but it was nowhere near the level of greatness of Ray Parker Jr.'s hit from the first film.

"Addams Family Groove," now THAT's a special level of bad. But damn if I don't know all the words to it. I'm a little ashamed of myself for that.

radioactive girl said...

You are cracking me up like crazy. I so love this post.

5 of 9er said...

So true about the Bobby rap on the Ghostbusters 2 song... soooooooooo terrible. Some white person probably made him do it.

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