Thursday, June 12, 2008

Summer in Chicago: Thanks for the Swass, I Mean the Memories

It's like a million degrees in Chicago today. It's the kind of weather where you're just saturated in sweat, and you can't shake it. So, I must love my seven readers to sit my swassy* ass down and blog, when all I really want to do is dump Popsicles into my shorts and rub Fla-Vor-Ices (TM)** on my nips.

Irish Kids: My summer job means a new crop of Irish kids working with us. Those kids are a lot of fun. Too much fun. Whenever I'm a train wreck the next day, all I have to say to someone is, "Freeking Irish kids." My plan this summer is to not get to know any of them. In fact, I won't even look any of them in the eye or speak to any of them directly unless I absolutely have to. Stay away from me with your demon rum, you pasty devils . . .

Dog Person?: The lady wanted to get one more drink after we had already had a couple of bottles of wine at dinner. I didn't think it was too good of an idea, but then I drove by the biggest shit hole bar you ever saw. I'm a sucker for a dump bar, and this one was right up my alley. We walk in the place, it's quiet, and there's literally no customers. We got talking to Boyd, the charming bartender with a Southern accent who looked to be around 60-years-old, and out of nowhere, Gancer's Lady says to Boyd, "You look like a dog person." To which he says, "Well, I don't have a dog. I don't like them all that much, but I guess if I'm a dog or a cat person, then I guess I'm a dog person." I nearly fell off my stool when she asked him that, and then it was even funnier when he responded that way. Guess you had to be there . . .

The Chicago Cubs Have not won a World Series since 1908. Right Now, in 2008, the Cubs Are the Best Team in Baseball: Yes, if you do the math, if we don't win it all this year, it will officially be over 100 years since we did. I went to the game last night, and we really look like a major league ball club. Today we*** got a home run to tie it in the bottom of the ninth, and then got hit by a pitch for the win. These guys are finding ways to win every day and everyone is contributing, which is what you see from teams that . . . Let's just move on before I fuck it up.

Consider That Azz Backed Up: As I crank up the old iPod in my car the other day, I was really excited to get out of work; So excited that it didn't dawn on me that Back That Azz Up by Juvenile would not be a good song to play when you're parked by a school with a bunch of kindergarten through eighth graders walking home with their book bags. God willing, they didn't hear any of these lines, or what's worse, hear that I knew the words:

You got a stupid ass yeah, make me laugh yeah
Make a nigga wanna grab that, autograph that
I'm sweatin in the drawers yeah, hard and long yeah
Wanna walk it like a dog yeah, break you off yeah

That's quite a stanza, but how about this?:

Them titties sittin nice yeah, I wanna bite yeah
I could fuck you right yeah, all night yeah
Wanna bring it to my house yeah, on the couch yeah
Knock the pussy out yeah, get them out yeah
I wanna see these hoes yeah, bend it low yeah
Let me run it in the hole yeah, and let me know yeah

I felt like an idiot thinking that some kids might have caught my white ass playing that, but I was laughing when he said that "run it in the hole" line. Shit, I'm laughing now.


* The definition we're looking for is NOT the one credited to Sir Mix-A-Lot

** You might call them Otter Pops (TM) if you grew up in certain areas, but either way, they're nice on the nips on a day like today.

*** I know that we didn't do anything, but that's just the way that we talk about our beloved Cubbies out here, so deal with it.


Coconut said...

Gotta love some swass!

And my fat, white, tennis coach in high school used to pull up blaring Nelly. Love a guy in a tennis polo who thinks he's a gangsta'.

logorrheic. said...

a couple of things for you, good doc:::

1) i am now craving a flo-vor-ice. the blue one to be exact. minus your nips. not that your nips aren't wonderful. just not in a nip mood. and

2) i accidentally pulled into my schools parking lot incredibly self absorbed with nine inch nails i want to fuck you like an animal blaring at 8 in the morning. i'm sure i looked just as ridiculous --- little asian girl blaring nine inch nails.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Waitasecond. Are you fucking Irish kids this summer? I confused....

Jake Titus said...

There have been many mornings where I woken up with a bad case of the irish flu. . . fucking irish kids! Hey wait a minute, I'm irish!

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

I didn't need to be there to know that bar convo was hilarious... I LOLed reading it!

Oh, and Juve... is a Lyrical Wordsmith!

TOPolk said...

I'm all for your Cubbies doing good, but how about you don't do so against my Braves. Urgh. It was awesome to see the throwback unis and presentation though.
(looking for a silver lining)

And part of me gets a little upset at the fact that Juvenile is way richer than I will ever be. No talent, none at all. But damn if I didn't eat it up hook-line-and-sinker back in high school.

Drunken Chud said...

dude, your asterisking is out of synch. you have two (2) items credited to one (1) asterisk. i got lost for a while. then i realized that i was retarded and not to worry. you know, cuz pf the rabbits.

Steph said...

Popsicles down your shorts huh? Bet that does wonders for your sex drive.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Nut: That guy sounds cool . . .

1. A green one would hit the spot.
2. Wow. That might make some kids think you're freaky.

Cherry: All summer long, Cherry!

Jakel: Irish Flu! I'm stealing that . . .

360: Glad you liked it, and yes he is.

Polk: Sorry about your braves, and I can't tell you if he has talent or not, but that song is fun!

Chud: My asterisks were 200% f'd up. Thanks.

Steph: You'd think, but it just makes things sticky and gross.

Drunken Chud said...

dude, that was my king of drunken comments. i'm not entirely sure what the hell i meant. i'm trying to figure out the last line. OH! i think it might be an "of mice and men" refernce, because of the retard comment in the previous sentence. or it could be an "alice in wonderland" reference cuz i was faded last night. or it could be that i was 17.827 sheets to the wind. who knows.

radioactive girl said...

It was hot yesterday! I went to the pool with my kids and got sunburned. I posted a picture of it on my flickr on the side on my blog and then a bunch of people emailed to tell me I need to eat something because I am too bony. People suck.

Sorry where were we? The music thing isn't so bad but that comes from me and I played the special secret song from the chili peppers in front of my kids and sang along before I realized what I was singing. I believe that makes me worse than you...not that it's a contest I want to win or anything.

JerseySjov said...

at least you don't have to deal with swamp tits, the condition in which sweat gathers under and between your boobs, oftentimes soaking through the bra and shirt and ruining your night.

also i made my mom buy me popsicles the other day using the tried and true method of getting a box, putting it in the grocery cart and asking 'pleeease??'
i mean, i could have just coughed up the $5 and gotten them for myself, but then they wouldn't taste as good

Sabina said...

Dr. Noisewater, no offense to you, but I have an irrational hatred of the Cubs which nothing and no one will destroy.

Logorrheic, don't eat all the blue ones!

Jerseysjov, I laughed out loud at that popsicle maneuver. I do the same thing when visiting my parents. Mature, aren't we?

Zen Wizard said...

Today's Haiku:

White man bump Juv'nile/
Slaughter of innocents/
Satan kicks Fido.

classyandfancy said...

You should have taped some Dippin' Dots on your business.

The Charming Hedonist said...

How can you hate Irish kids?! I mean come on, red hair, green eyes, what's not to love?!

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chud: Hahahahha. I welcome all drunk comments, and if I ever have rabbits, you can "tend" them.

Radio: I don't know that one, but now I have to look it up.

Jov: Would it be wrong if I said I like sweat right there, I mean, if the girl is hot?

Sab: Hate the cubs? I have an irrational hatred for Matt Damon.

Zen: Thanks for dropping a haiku! Did you count out the syllables?

Classy: That would take like 50 of them. Okay 18. Okay 3.

Charm: I love them, but that's the problem. They're bad drinking buddies for me.

5 of 9er said...

And the last time the Cubs lost in the world series who beat them? That's right - the White Sox. :)

Drunken Chud said...

Doc... here's what i need you to do. this is important. make sure your cubs sweep those white socked bastards in both upcoming series'. my tigers could use a leg up right about now. so... if you could guarantee that for me, i'd appreciate it. kthxbai.

pistols at dawn said...

A girlfriend of mine once parked her car at a gas station, when a black gentleman told her to back that thing up.

"My car?" She responded. "Am I in your way or something?"

If she'd take my calls, I'd still call her just to make fun of her for that.

josh williams said...

My neighbor was cleaning his car's interior a few weeks back and his car stereo was blaring, I swear to beer...The theme to Welcome back Kotter . I had to turn on a fan to drown out the noise pollution, I was deeply disturbed that anyone would listen to this by choice. Perhaps he has it out for me and he is was using terrorist techniques to harass me, if so it worked.
So at least you did not have a 1970's sitcom theme song blaring on your radio, now that would have been embarrassing.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Niner: I'm actually stressing out about this Cubs VS Sox series this weekend.

Chud: WE'LL see what WE can do. ; )

Pistols: "No, ma'm. Your ass." Hahahhaaha.

Josh: I'd say that's bad, but if you'll notice, I have both The Jeffersons and Good Times on the player on my blog.