It's like a million degrees in Chicago today. It's the kind of weather where you're just saturated in sweat, and you can't shake it. So, I must love my seven readers to sit my swassy* ass down and blog, when all I really want to do is dump Popsicles into my shorts and rub Fla-Vor-Ices (TM)** on my nips.
Irish Kids: My summer job means a new crop of Irish kids working with us. Those kids are a lot of fun. Too much fun. Whenever I'm a train wreck the next day, all I have to say to someone is, "Freeking Irish kids." My plan this summer is to not get to know any of them. In fact, I won't even look any of them in the eye or speak to any of them directly unless I absolutely have to. Stay away from me with your demon rum, you pasty devils . . .
Dog Person?: The lady wanted to get one more drink after we had already had a couple of bottles of wine at dinner. I didn't think it was too good of an idea, but then I drove by the biggest shit hole bar you ever saw. I'm a sucker for a dump bar, and this one was right up my alley. We walk in the place, it's quiet, and there's literally no customers. We got talking to Boyd, the charming bartender with a Southern accent who looked to be around 60-years-old, and out of nowhere, Gancer's Lady says to Boyd, "You look like a dog person." To which he says, "Well, I don't have a dog. I don't like them all that much, but I guess if I'm a dog or a cat person, then I guess I'm a dog person." I nearly fell off my stool when she asked him that, and then it was even funnier when he responded that way. Guess you had to be there . . .
The Chicago Cubs Have not won a World Series since 1908. Right Now, in 2008, the Cubs Are the Best Team in Baseball: Yes, if you do the math, if we don't win it all this year, it will officially be over 100 years since we did. I went to the game last night, and we really look like a major league ball club. Today we*** got a home run to tie it in the bottom of the ninth, and then got hit by a pitch for the win. These guys are finding ways to win every day and everyone is contributing, which is what you see from teams that . . . Let's just move on before I fuck it up.
Consider That Azz Backed Up: As I crank up the old iPod in my car the other day, I was really excited to get out of work; So excited that it didn't dawn on me that Back That Azz Up by Juvenile would not be a good song to play when you're parked by a school with a bunch of kindergarten through eighth graders walking home with their book bags. God willing, they didn't hear any of these lines, or what's worse, hear that I knew the words:
You got a stupid ass yeah, make me laugh yeah
Make a nigga wanna grab that, autograph that
I'm sweatin in the drawers yeah, hard and long yeah
Wanna walk it like a dog yeah, break you off yeah
That's quite a stanza, but how about this?:
Them titties sittin nice yeah, I wanna bite yeah
I could fuck you right yeah, all night yeah
Wanna bring it to my house yeah, on the couch yeah
Knock the pussy out yeah, get them out yeah
I wanna see these hoes yeah, bend it low yeah
Let me run it in the hole yeah, and let me know yeah
I felt like an idiot thinking that some kids might have caught my white ass playing that, but I was laughing when he said that "run it in the hole" line. Shit, I'm laughing now.
* The definition we're looking for is NOT the one credited to Sir Mix-A-Lot
** You might call them Otter Pops (TM) if you grew up in certain areas, but either way, they're nice on the nips on a day like today.
*** I know that we didn't do anything, but that's just the way that we talk about our beloved Cubbies out here, so deal with it.