I know it's been a while since I posted, but Mrs. Noisewater and I had a baby boy on September 8th. Erik is his name, and he is one hell of a cute son of a gun. The day he was born was an unbelievable day, and it's a tale I'd love to tell all of you. However, it's a long story that I don't have enough time blocked out for right now to relay to my beloved blog buddies at this moment. This little guy has been keeping us so busy that I saw this block of a couple of hours at midnight as my only chance to bang out a blog. Since it would have to be a short one, I figured I'd go for a laugh and tell you some funny stuff that's happened so far.

Let's just come right out and say it: Circumcision is a dated and crazy practice. The lady who performed the mutilation of my son's penis came by first to tell us that any benefits to the surgery (cleanliness or risk of STD's) are such a small percentage in either case that it's hardly even worth doing. I decided to go through with it for very stupid reasons such as: That's how mine is, I've heard women say that they have been freaked out when they have seen on the other way, and some of the ones I have seen look like those worms in "Dune."

Here's another thing, a nurse said that the tip-snipper lady would first have to come by to assess if my boy's ding-dong was big enough to do the surgery. This was one of the first times I found myself stepping in to stand up for my son. "Hey, it's plenty big enough," I said in his defense. "You just tell her to grab her best scalpel and come down here to surgically remove this young man's turtleneck!"

Hope no one is offended by my assessment because it's only an opinion. Plus I'm an idiot.

For those of you who don't know, seeing your son's freshly circumcised penis for the first time will scare the living daylights out of you. It's bright fire engine, red like when a dog has an erection and shows everyone his red rocket. There is some upkeep involved too. Every time you change his diaper for a week (which is many, many times int the first week), you have to put some ointment on a gauze pad and stick it to his sore ding-a-ling. If you don't, the poor little guy's sore penis will stick to the diaper. Ouch! I was telling a friend that it's a lot of pressure because I didn't want to screw up my boy's dick. That's a big deal. "That's a huge deal," my friend said emphatically in agreement.

No transition here other than funny baby genital stories, but I was assisting with weighing Erik at the doctor's office the other day. For some reason they plopped him down on a cold metal scale. He doesn't like being on his back much to begin with, but this ice cold hard surface upset him even more. He instantly screamed, and he put up such a fight that he didn't sit still even for even a split second to get an accurate reading. He then let loose with the only play he had. Erik sprayed a stream of pee in the upwards of three majestic feet that sprayed all over a nearby leather chair. I heard a loud splat as it  hit the back of the chair. He had some power behind this shot. I was cleaning it up as fast as I could and apologizing, but what I was really thinking was, "That's my boy!"

When the doctor came by to ask us some questions, one of them was if he is peeing enough. I said to her, "Did you see him out there by the scale? He damn near took the upholstery off one of your chairs with his power washing. He's plenty well hydrated. As a matter of fact, you should have a plaque in your waiting room commemorating that performance for longest distance in his age division. Next question." Just kidding. I didn't say of this, but I will say I was beaming with pride for the rest of the appointment. It won't be long before he is ready to pee in the trough at Wrigley Field. This is a very daunting task for any young man, but I think by 4 years of age he will be able to take a step back, put some arc on it, and deliver a perfect stream with laser point precision and not a drop hitting the floor.

I told you it's scary to saddle up there for a pee as a kid. This youngster is apparently intent on waiting for everyone else to leave before giving it a go.

Okay, I know these were baby genital stories and it's a little strange. But I do plan on delivering the heart-warming and more earnest tale of when Erik Noisewater first came into the world and changed my life forever. For now I just had time for these quick goofy stories while he is sleeping, but isn't this post more fitting for what this blog has been all about over the years? Thanks for reading, friends.