Saturday, July 15, 2006

Girls' Night Out and Man Boobies

I went to this horrible bar last night because my roomy wanted to get with this one girl. This is always the start to a bad night, and this is no exception. We get to the bar to discover that we are intruding on a “Girls’ Night Out.” Translation: “A bunch of us are going to get dolled up the best we can possibly look, with our hair done, our newest outfit with our tits on display, but what we DON’T want is any guys talking to us. Our goal is to draw massive amounts of attention to ourselves, but fight off the advances of the hordes of men who try to hit on us. The best way for us to catch up with old friends is to dance seductively with one another. Talking? No way. My old friends and I can pick up right where we left off in college when she grinds herself on my crotch or when I slowly sink down to the floor and put my face in her crotch.”

Would you believe that one of these girls actually asked me to tell a guy to leave who sat down at the table with them? Hey, I barely know you girls. I’m not about to get my ass kicked because you decided to get dressed up and draw attention to yourself at a bar that brings in every stripe-shirted hardass in Chicago.

The guy that was the biggest hit was my engaged friend. These girls were ALL over him. Hey, he’s engaged, so the threat of him coming on to you is lowered, especially when his bride-to-be is in the room, but has it occurred to these women that chicks all on his jammy might make him have thoughts about the whole one woman for the rest of his life thing? Hey, never mind that. This is Girls Night Out! So, he’s dancing with his bride-to-be’s sister, and she gets behind him, reaches around him, and fondles his man-boobies. Shortly there after, he gets behind her, reaches around, and feels her woman-boobies. This led to bride to be hollering at him and storming out. Now, I don’t happen to have man-boobies, but if I did, I’m pretty sure I’d be self-conscious of them. I certainly wouldn’t want a chick trying to tune-in-Tokyo (movie reference?) in front of everyone, including a bunch of good-looking girls.* BECAUSE, I believe I’d be sensitive about something like this, I can’t say I’d blame a guy for thinking, “Fuck you. You’re grabbing my boobies, I’m grabbing yours.” I guess when it’s your bride-to-be’s sister, one has to keep those automatic thoughts and gut reactions in check. I remember him saying, over and over, "I think I'm in trouble." Gee, you think? I will say it made for some fun people watching and good blog fodder. Okay, I have to do some push-ups so that, God willing, I never have to discover how I’d react in that situation . . .

*Just as I was typing this, man-booby guy called me! It’s really strange because we don’t know each other that well, so it’s not that likely that he’d call me right as I type about his rather embarrassing affliction. I feel really bad now, and I have to be sure he never gets my blog address.

16 comments:

Jenni said...

"Girls Night" is not a front. It's an event. And YES we get all dolled up, but it's not for you guys. It's to look better than your friends, and every other girl in the bar.

We're just a bunch of catty bitches. All of us.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I didn't touch on the catty aspect, but it's not something I hadn't considered. I think it has more to do with the fact that I was in a hurry to get to man breast-ts-ss portion of the tale.

Loudlush said...

Maybe if man-boobs were more perky they wouldn't be so bad. Just a thought. And if I was so bold (ok, drunk) to grab some laddy's man-boobs, I would fully expect, expect, for mine to be grabbed back. Tit for tat, I say.

Steph said...

Hahahah that's funny. So what happened? Is the wedding still on? How would you live something like that down? Oh the horror.

And i agree with Jenni, we don't dress for YOU, pfft, silly man. We dress for ourselves and each other. It's a chick thing. You wouldn't understand.

Anonymous said...

oh yes, sure women dress up to tickle the dirty thoughts of men, in hope of the one true hottie will be one of those that get caught and we girls can reel him in. Unfortunately, in the process of it all, the ugly disgusting ones get tangled up and not quite so easily removable... ...

Anonymous said...

Movie reference is Girls Just Want to Have Fun.

Girls Night Out is a front if you are behaving the way these are. Girls that really want to catch up with their friends go to places where they can have a seat and chat. I for one always want to look hot, so I try to look nice every time I go out. But when I want to talk to my girlfriends, you won't find me at a button-down mafia bar grinding with them on the dance floor.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Lush- I am glad we are in agreement!

Steph- The couple got over the booby incident that night, and the next time I saw them SHE was apologizing to everyone for HER behavior. He has some kind of mind control over her . . .

Anon1: "ugly, disgusting" guys need love too! There are ways to shake them off though. I find talk of horoscopes gets me to lose interest and look for an exit or a putty knife to stab myself with.

Anon2:Good call on the movie quote. I'm glad you're with me on the grinding not being the best way to "catch up" with old friends. It's a good way to meet new ones though . . .

Why do I have all these anonymous readers? Is it so shameful to read The Good Doctor's page?

Jen said...

At least you did not have to see a man boobs and mangina combo. Manginas alone are wrong enough, and the two in concert, now that would have been scary. Almost as scary as a German version of Aqua's "Barbie Girl".

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Mangina?? Is that when a guy has that fat pooch under his gut?

I'm downloading the German version of Barbie Girl right now . . .

Anonymous said...

A mangina occurs when a dude willingly chooses to wear bike shorts recreationally without another pair of shorts on top to hide the goods, or in a mangina's case, the lack thereof said goods, thereby creating an awful sight for all to behold.

jen said...

that anon Comment is mine. not because i an ashamed, but because posting via cell phone is not without it's challenges.

Heather B. said...

Look! It's Bob! In all his man-boob glory!

I'm still trying to figure out why on earth that girl would touch her future brother in law's man boobs. I don't get it.

Mo said...

Jonathan Ames (random memoir author) has a completely different definition for a Mangina. He has a story about a friend who created a device that turns a man’s naughty bits (to used Jenny’s term) into what looks like a woman’s naughty bits. Apparently this friend of his dons his Mangina and performs readings on stage in NYC somewhere. I somehow don’t think I’ll be attending one of those performances any time soon.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Heather, I don't understand why in the hell she felt up her future brother-in-law either, but I saw it with my own two eyes. It was a little unsettling to be honest.

Jen and Mo- Thanks for the mangina education. Mo, you can count me out of that show too. Puppetry of the Penis sounds equally gross. Come to think of it, any show centered around the male genitals does not sound like my cup of tea.

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