Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Wanted: The Devil to Whom I Will Sell My Soul in Exchange for Guitar Ability

I've been taking guitar lessons, and let me tell you, it's a daunting, overwhelming experience. Even when my teacher tries to teach me a supposedly easy song, like Brown Eyed Girl (I didn't pick the song, I swear) it's fricking hard?! Why'd Van have to go with D7 chords and the like? I don't even like practicing at home, because I feel bad for my roommates, who must think I'm slowly sticking bamboo shoots into the virtual finger nails of my cheap ass guitar, and making it howl in agony. I overheard my one roommate, who is like a violin prodigy, say, "He's just not seeing the chords." No, asshole, I suppose I'm not, and it's God damned frustrating! I'm really impatient, and I just want to play like Slash and have girls throwing their underwear on stage, like tomorrow would be a good time for that to start happening.

You know those luffa sponge things with the stick on it? I really like the ones without the stick, for bathing purposes because you can get a firmer grip, and scrub better. In reality, there is only about a 3 square inch spot on your back that the stick helps you hit, and I'll sacrifice the tiny, unscrubbed section of my back for more overall torque* any day. However, what the stick variety of luffa lacks in showering practicality it makes up for it in spades by opening the door to shower-time, air guitar sessions! When I take a shower every morning, I air guitar the shit out of my luffa on a stick, and behind that curtain, I AM the guy getting panties thrown at him. By the truck load. My actual guitar skills clearly suck, so far, but my air guitar abilities have never come into question. I am up and down the fret of that luffa stick with all the deft, finger-flying antics of a rock God. I'll even hit up some whammy bars at opportune moments, let loose with some finger tapping a-la Eddie Van Halen, and even bang out some Pete Townsendesque windmills. I'm yet to get on my knees, set my luffa on fire, and beckon the flames to rise with my finger tips, like Hendrix. That might be a bit much. Even for me.

I've been finding it's really tough to go from the naked, guitar prodigy rocking the crowd with all the energy of a rabid hyena to the dorky, dim witted 30-year-old guy sitting with his uncooperative, real guitar, saying to himself, "Okay, now leave that finger there, pick up all the other ones, and strum that flipping D7 chord. Now how's the strum pattern go? Down, down, down, up, up, down, up . . ." Shower Rock God never has to concentrate like that. It just comes innate to him, like breathing.

How about you, seven readers, do you air-guitar, air-microphone, air-viola (that sounds like areola)?

*Leverage might be the better choice for a word here, but I've never used the word torque in a blog, and I wanted to get it in before my 100th post.

26 comments:

Casey said...

I thought Brown Eyed Girl was down-updown-down-down-up-down? Either way, the D7 is a retarded chord.

Keep trying, someday when you get through all four chords it takes to get laid, someone will sleep with you and then leave you for a drummer.

Kadonkadonk said...

You, my friend, are in some serious need of Guitar Hero, the best video game EVER. It'll fill all your in between naked, shower, rock God, and real life total lo-HO-ser needs. Trust me.

5 of 9er said...

The photo of Jimi Hendrix... my friend's dad took the photo. No b.s.

classyandfancy said...

I worry you may injure yourself in the shower, especially if some Yngwie Malmsteen comes on the radio. Yeah, it could happen.

Anonymous said...

I TOLD you you should have practiced your piano!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Fool, D7 is one of the easiest chords in the book. You need to give up guitar and take up the skin flute.

ReckenRoll said...

I'm with Classy. I worry there is a shower air guitar related injury in the future. Just make sure you keep a robe within arms reach for when the paramedics/firemen show up...

The [Cherry] Ride said...

You said torque. Hee hee.

What about "Smoke on the Water"? You could get chicks with that.

Mr. Shife said...

It is important to get torque in before you hit 100. At least that is what they say. And by they I mean the army of midgets that secretly control the number of daily torque references. And I am big fan of Paul Rudd so using the name of his nut makes me so happy.

Eve said...

I've heard the bass is pretty easy. Or there's always the kazoo...

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Casey: I can only hope!

Donk: I would like to give that game a shot. I might not get much else done if I had that game.

9er: Awesome! His dad is cooler than your's and mine.

Classy: I almost mentioned Yngwie in this post, and if I had I would have talked about the fact that he's Swedish, like The Gancer, and the rumor about him having the webbing between his fingers removed so he could shred faster.

Anon: My mom finally commented!!! Yay!!

Mighty: Now that's an instrument I DO have down.

Reck: Yeah. I could get injured playing the instrument Mighty mentioned too. The same embarrassment would ensue.

Cherry: Yeah, that one seems to be the one everyone learns. I want to play Gloria and Lola too.

Shife: I just made it! Phew!!

Eve: I may get demoted to bass. Then again, that's what happened to Roger Waters, and it worked out okay for him.

Steph said...

I volunteer to scrub your back for you. Just send me the airfare and I'll be straight over.

Drunken Chud said...

heh, the comment about guitar hero made me laugh. last night at the bar "take me out" by franz ferdinand came on, and somebody started air guitaring it, and i couldn't hold back, i just said to the air guitarist, "green yellow red red green green". and he and about ten of his friends busted up laughing. i'm not sure if that's the actual sequence on guitar hero, but i got the gist across well enough and then a half hour discussion on guitar hero, and people who have waaaay too much time on their hands with guitar hero. buy the game. lose... hours. joel zumaya, the fastest pitcher in the history of universe EVER! was injured last year during the playoffs because of repetitive stress not from throwing a total of 128 pitches over 100mph, but from guitar hero.

Fever Dog said...

Jeez, I'd hate to tell you what I do in the shower. And have you considered entering into Air Guitar Championships? You might find you can have panties thrown at you without ever playing a note.

Man, that Van Morrison was a rock legend ;)

Fever Dog said...

Don't listen to Eve, bass isn't an easy way out -- you might not be wailing, but if you struggle with chords now, wait til you try stretching those piggies across a bass.

RevRee said...

I've tried to learn to play the Guitar, but my fingers are small and I'm left handed.

I only do one thing with my right hand...but I won't get in to that right now...

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Steph: If you scrub my FRONT too, then we got a deal.

Chud: Is that true? I would get injured playing that game too, because I would get lost in the moment, forget that I can't do the splits, and tear every muscle in my pelvic region.

Dogg: Air guitar competitions may be my calling, but I can't of like to keep those little rock concerts in my own head. Yeah, bass is no walk in the park either, if you want to play well. Damn it, I should have stuck with the piano lessons, like my mom said.

Rev: My fingers aren't the problem. I have big hands, and they don't get tired, much to my teacher's surprise. I just need to practice the damn thing a little more. I'm going to need you to elaborate about what it is you do well with that right hand of your's. I expect a blog posted within the week. No less than 100 words, and no less than 5 pictures.

zen wizard said...

Well, I use "air quotes."

I'm not proud of it, but until someone establishes a support group...

I would recommend that you switch to piano. It is way more forgiving--if your finger presses middle C; your finger presses middle C.

If you use "guitar like" methodology in studying piano, i.e., focus on chords and not reading music, it's my understanding that the learning curve is way faster.

Plus, piano players pick up a lot of chicks--look at Liberace, Elton John, Little Richard, and...wait, stick with guitar...

Grad School Reject said...

You should ask Mystergirl! for some lessons/tips. She plays well - sings too. I on the other hand can only tutor the clarinet.

Anonymous said...

Have you tried the skin flute?

Of course you have...

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Zen: You're like a Zen commenter! Funny stuff.

Grad: That would be a great idea, and I'd be open to it, if she'd ever comment on my page. : (

Anon: Come on, who are you talking to here? I'm like the Ian Anderson of the skin flute, only I can't play Aqualung standing on one foot with it.

K.I.D. said...

Oh jeez. This is why I don't ACTUALLY try to play. I prefer to fantasy play and be awesome.

Reality is a bitch.

mysterygirl! said...

Aww, I totally read this post, but I didn't have anything clever to comment.

I still don't. I'll keep working on it...

Diesel said...

I can't imagine trying to learn an instrument with roommates around. I got a guitar for my birthday like 3 years ago. Still haven't even picked it up. :(

Loaf said...

Ok, one word of advice; if you're kneeling naked in front of your burning loofa, don't get too close, or those flames could be going a lot higher than you want! Trim first.

NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

k.i.d.: You're so right. I should have stayed in the fantasy world.

MG: Just save your awesome comment for my next post, which will be done in 30 minutes.

Diesel: Don't play it! It will make you hate music and resent all musicians, even C.C. from Poison.

Loaf: An important safety tip from across the Atlantic . . .