Friday, March 07, 2008

Campy, Borderline Shitty, Soft Rock Cures Road Rage. Who Knew?

I exited Lake Shore Drive today, got behind the slowest, dumbest cab driver ever, and I was stuck behind the nimrod for way longer than I wanted to be. I think I ordinarily would have gotten ticked off and cursed his unborn children, but today I had "Maneater" by Hall and Oats on, so instead of yelling, "Come on, fuck face," I softly sang, in my best Daryl Hall, white-boy, soul voice "You're the worst driver" to the tune of the phrase "She's a man eater." I made myself chuckle, so then I couldn't be mad. Try it some time.


If the song is equal parts goofy and soft rock, then there's no way you can stay mad. The next time a motorist makes you want to get your nine or your deuce-deuce out of the glove box, before you pull out your strap and lay that buster down like Nate Dogg, just throw on Eric Carmen's 1975 hit, "All By Myself," and instead sing:

"You can't drive for shi-it.
I swear to God
You can't drive for shit."*

If you can't fit the thing that angers you into the lyrics of a not at all agro song, since an angry song might just make you angrier, simply substitute the words penis and/or vagina, because that's invariably funny, if you share my middle-school sense of humor.

Just trying to make the world a happier place, teach the world to sing, and buy the world a coke . . .

Gancer

*A couple things about Eric Carmen. One, I never noticed this before, but does the vocal melody of the versus and some of the chord progressions of the piano rip off David Bowie's "Life On Mars?" Secondly, has there ever been a guy to pop the collar of his chest-exposing, Electric Horseman shirt, sport a terrific, white-man's afro, and just sing all serious, like he has no idea how ridiculous he looks, quite like Eric Carmen?

19 comments:

Laughing through my chardonnay said...

I hope I am not the only one who thinks of "Clueless" when I hear "All By Myself". Well, "Clueless" and wanting to slit my wrists.

So@24 said...

Whoa-oh here he drives.

Watch out boy, he'll cut you off!

Whoa-oh here he drives.

He's a bad drivaaaaaaaah!

Sassy Blondie said...

Why do I love that Bowie song so much?? Some chick did a great cover back in the late nineties too...


And yes, your song will now be stuck in my head!! I can point and sing it out! :)

sequined said...

I will passionately and unreservedly say that I love Hall and Oates.

I literally ended a friendship once due to a fight that started with that statement.

Not that he disliked H&O, precisely, but it led to a discussion of how can one judge music and how can you judge other things and oh by the way he's a douchebag.

I rock out every time "Maneater" and "Rich Girl" come on.

So@24 said...

re: Sequins...

What about "Kiss Is On My List"?

I knew I loved you for a reason.

Ron, apparently said...

I would take your advice to heart and sing at the retarded fuckers who populate the roads hereabouts, but I find bustin' a cap in their punk-can't-drive-worth-a-shit-ass equally if not more therapeutic.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Chardsy: Is that song in there? I always think of Bridget Jones Diaries, not that I've seen it . . .

24: Exactly! See, you get the idea.

Sassy: "It's a God awful small affair . . ."

Seq: Hall and Oats are a good time, and I don't care how dorky they looked. How can you not be happy when you hear You Make My Dreams Come True?

Ron: I say tomato, you say pop a cap in dat ass.

Jake Titus said...

Dr. K,
First of all let me say that the first five words of this post brought back some great memories of Chicago. I love your town and wish I could visit it more often. Anyway, back to the meat of the post, "alternative road rage therapy." I drive like an old woman going to a bridge tournament. Usually other drivers don't bother me. But lately I'm finding that my patients for assholes on the road are wearing thin. Great suggestions you have. Now if I could just find that damn "Best of the 80's" cd!
Jake

josh williams said...

Any Olivia Newton John would work and you would not have to change the lyrics. Try it "lets get physical physical" I think if it would work best if you really try your best to sound like her, just an idea I stole from you. Thanks

pistols at dawn said...

I was watching Extras with a girl the other night, and she asked me who David Bowie was.

He's really hard to sum up in one sentence, which is the sum of her attention span. So I distracted her with something shiny.

thisdayandage said...

yes, all by myself reminds me of "clueless" as well.

your lyrics are impeccable. and I respect that.

The Charming Hedonist said...

I do the "Whoa-oh here she comes. Get outta her way or she'll fuck you uh-up"

Just me?

zen wizard said...

It would seem to be hard to have road rage while singing "Muskrat Love" or for that matter, anything by the New Christy Minstrels, but I can't think of any road rage lyrics to superimpose upon them.

Atlanta has the most head-up-the-ass drivers per capita of anywhere I have ever lived.

Every once in a while, in LA, you encounter a real tailgater psycho, but it is rare.

The Sacramento/Reno area, by contrast, seems to have the best drivers anywhere. Maybe I have just been lucky everytime I am there.

mentalTHREESIXTY said...

OMG! I needed this genius advice about now. I've been having some SERIOUS road rage lately... I mean why on deity's green earth would you drive 45mph on the highway fastlane when the speed limit is 65?!?! Drives me nuts!!! Anywho... about to listen to something to calm me down... maybe some NWA or Wu-Tang or something... that should work

Jenni said...

During rush hour I need to remain calm and not play anything that might send me over the edge...Unless I'm having a really bad day, then I play "Blue Monday" by Orgy, crank up the volume and scream at the top of my lungs.

It's very therapeutic...You should try it sometime.

logorrheic. said...

i unfortunately have self conversations in the car. such as...look that bastard just cut in front of you. maybe you should tailgate his ass. no, that'd be silly. that's not worth it. hm, which reminds me, i need to make an appointment to get an oil change....

people have caught me talking to myself and i pretend to be on the phone.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Jake: I love this city too, but not in the winter. We're all cold and miserable right now.

Josh: It wouldn't hurt to aerobicsise too.

Pistols: Jeez, she must have been a young bird. Shiny object may have been the way to go.

Thisday: I try.

Charm: A welcomed addition to the ditty!

Zen: The city of Chicago itself has great drives, it's the suburb people that mess it all up for everyone.

360: NWA calms you down??????

Jenni: Interesting choice. The cover version . . .

Logo: As long as you don't assign a name to that little voice; I think you're okay.

Ari said...

Ooo, that is a CAPITAL idea! I'm gonna try it!

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